[Veelyn]

Good luck mm!

You seem like you have a very good head on your shoulders, so I'm sure you know what you'll have to do!

[illinirdhd]

Whatever you decide, don't settle. He may very well be a really great guy who made a bad decision. It happens to the best of us. But if you see this as a big waving red flag, then move on. You deserve a great guy!

[illinirdhd]

Originally Posted by stellamaried

We cross posted -- it's kind of funny that you think the deal breaker is that he told her and I think it's that he didn't tell her (at the time).

I think the person he slept with while they were unexclusive is important.

I see what you're saying - I feel the way I do because of the reason I think he told her. When a person's sole (or main) reason for a confession is to clear his/her own conscience, I think it's selfish. Is there anything to be gained by telling the OP this? Probably not. So why hurt her? In my opinion, he should stew in his own guilt, learn his lesson, never do it again, keep his mouth shut, and be the best man he can possibly be from this day forward.

On the other hand, sometimes a secret like this really does need to be told. For example, if he was concerned that he may have brought an STD to his new relationship, or if his ex turned up pregnant, then I think he has an obligation to tell the OP. She would likely find out anyway, and in the case of an STD, her health could be at risk.

Other than that, no. The only thing that can be gained is hurting his current girlfriend and unburdening his own guilt. Selfish, in my book.

[stellamaried]

Nm

[lovinalotofbags]

Hmm, could not stay away from his ex even if you were not exclusive. All advice given on what he could be up to. I wonder how his ex feels, perhaps she thinks there is a relationship between the two of them. He could be all of those things or he could be genuinely sincere. Who knows. Just go with your gut feeling.

[mm16]

^Apparently she apologized because she knew that he had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I just freaking laughed out loud when he said that because I'm entirely *sure* that she was sorry...

[BagLadie]

Omg guys....give the guy a break! He was HONEST!!! He probably didn't want to get further into your relationship with this hanging over him. I give him a LOT of credit!!! Maybe he felt like you might find out about it one day so it was best to tell you. He didn't tell you through text....just was setting the stage. The poor guy was probably a nervous wreck and somewhat wanted to prepare you. Question.....and i know this is personal...but were YOU sleeping with him at that time? That would bother me. BUT....give the guy a chance if you are falling in love with him. Not every guy is a creep. He was upfront and honest with you and in this day and age, a guy that has those qualities is a rarity. I really think it was big of him to tell you. I hope you give him a chance. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

[valval]

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I don't know - I really wonder about people who "confess" something like this. Chances are, you never would have found out if he hadn't opened his big mouth.

I was thinking, was it a honesty gesture that he was trying to confess?

I personally value honesty as my top priority, regardless if it's a 'good' confession or a bad one.. It gives me chances to value him as a person...

[mm16]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Omg guys....give the guy a break! He was HONEST!!! He probably didn't want to get further into your relationship with this hanging over him. I give him a LOT of credit!!! Maybe he felt like you might find out about it one day so it was best to tell you. He didn't tell you through text....just was setting the stage. The poor guy was probably a nervous wreck and somewhat wanted to prepare you. Question.....and i know this is personal...but were YOU sleeping with him at that time? That would bother me. BUT....give the guy a chance if you are falling in love with him. Not every guy is a creep. He was upfront and honest with you and in this day and age, a guy that has those qualities is a rarity. I really think it was big of him to tell you. I hope you give him a chance. We are all human and we all make mistakes.

ITA with what you said. I am so glad that he was honest with me. It would have been horrible if he would have told me what he did over a text message, but since we live over an hour away I think he was telling me so that I would know that he wanted to meet up and talk later that night. It was probably eating at him now that his feelings for me have also developed.

About the sleeping together part, yes we were sleeping together, which is very out of character for me. I usually wait about 6 months to see where its going until I sleep with someone and even then I usually don't...I've only been in 2 major relationships (one lasted for 4 years and the other for 3)..anyway, so yes we slept together and had been. That's the only part that hurts me. Like I feel dirty because we have slept together since then and I had no idea, in the same bed that he slept with her in. It just makes me sick. Also, the idea that she could have some unknown std which I could contract through him...that just pisses me off that he would put me in that situation.

I could never do that to anyone, no matter how serious or unserious the relationship was at that point, but hey maybe we're not all like that...

I'm going to give him a second chance. I truly don't believe that he is a scum bag. I think he made a big mistake and he's sorry for doing it. I'm sure he and I will talk about it more tonight. One thing is for sure, I won't be sleeping with him for a long LONG time.

[BagLadie]

You have to go with your gut. He is a human being and no one is perfect. It isn't like he slept with some random person. It was his ex girlfriend. Not that it makes it ok...but you know what I mean.

I really think it was quite noble of him to confess this to you. It says a lot about his character. Better to find out from him. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. I have found that out the hard way. I would definitely take things slow but make it clear to him that you appreciate him telling you.

Again, much luck to you and him. Go with your instincts - something tells me he is a good guy.

[Tracy]

Originally Posted by claireZk

Dump him.

agreed! so many fish in the sea. oh, i sound really old!
seriously, he didn't have to tell you and it sounds like he has no willpower and is not over the EX!
i would move on.

[lovinalotofbags]

Ask him if he, at least, had worn a condom. They are not 100% but at least it is something.

[PetiteChaton]

One thing i will add is, he has been so scared to tell you about this...and the reason why hes been scared is because DEEP DOWN he knows he messed up big.. and if you just forgive him..just like that..he'll question the relationship..I mean.. wouldnt you if you did something really bad and your beau forgave you..just like that?... It would give you confidence..to go ahead and mess up again... take time off the relationship..act fast... you can always take him back later..after hes suffered.

[jellybebe]

Oh this is a tough one, for sure. Only you know what you are comfortable with, but as an objective person on the outside, I think that you probably need some more time to sort through the unhealthy issues with your ex, and that Alan also has some ex issues to examine. Maybe things will work out when you're both ready? I hope that I don't sound mean - I have your best interests at heart, but I know what it's like to jump from one relationship to another, and old issues always rear their ugly heads when they're not dealt with properly. Especially ex issues.

[PetiteChaton]

Originally Posted by mm16

ITA with what you said. I am so glad that he was honest with me. It would have been horrible if he would have told me what he did over a text message, but since we live over an hour away I think he was telling me so that I would know that he wanted to meet up and talk later that night. It was probably eating at him now that his feelings for me have also developed.

About the sleeping together part, yes we were sleeping together, which is very out of character for me. I usually wait about 6 months to see where its going until I sleep with someone and even then I usually don't...I've only been in 2 major relationships (one lasted for 4 years and the other for 3)..anyway, so yes we slept together and had been. That's the only part that hurts me. Like I feel dirty because we have slept together since then and I had no idea, in the same bed that he slept with her in. It just makes me sick. Also, the idea that she could have some unknown std which I could contract through him...that just pisses me off that he would put me in that situation.

I could never do that to anyone, no matter how serious or unserious the relationship was at that point, but hey maybe we're not all like that...

I'm going to give him a second chance. I truly don't believe that he is a scum bag. I think he made a big mistake and he's sorry for doing it. I'm sure he and I will talk about it more tonight. One thing is for sure, I won't be sleeping with him for a long LONG time.

How were you not serious if you slept together? Personally, I think at this point you are ready to make excuses for him.. because you care for him and thats fair enough..but you have to remember that we set the patterns in our relationships from the start..if you're so quickly ready to forgive him... this will tell him something about you..and your self worth.. Somewhere above you said he did it because he was "horny" and just "used her".. but he was sleeping with you at the same time..he could have just gone to you if he was just horny? People date for years..not months..and then they find out that they dont really know the person they're with..due to shocking actions... I think at this stage you need to protect yourself.. telling yourself you wont be sleeping with him for a long time..but "forgiving him" is a lie..because as soon as you start seeing him again.. couple of dates, you'll be right back into that bed and you know it. What you need to do is completely back off the relationship and make him work for it a lil.. we always appriciate the things we work really hard for more.. then the things that come with ease.. Think of the first designer bag you purchased