[VPT]

Is a compulsive gambler?

[ladyjane76]

[IntlSet]

Well, here are my alarm bells:

1. You just got out of a 3 year unhealthy relationship and "immediately" met Alan
2. Alan is a guy who sounds a little melodramatic and doesn't seem like he'd make the most mentally and emotionally fit boyfriend

I'm not sure what else there is to wonder about. I just never contact him again and move on to a guy without issues.

[~Fabulousity~]

I'd be pissed if this happened to me, how can he leave you hanging like that?

[Purses]

[mm16]

OKkkkkkkkkkk!

I'm back with an update. You ladies (and gentlemen) are so funny and very supportive.. Thanks for the well wishes.

Anyway, a month ago he slept with his ex girlfriend. I really don't know what to say. I mean our relationship wasn't established at that point, etc. Of course I'm upset and things won't be normal for a while, if ever......

Anyway, I don't really know if I have the right to make this a deal breaker because we weren't serious..yes we were seeing eachother but I don't know that it was very serious/exclusive.

But even if I have the right or not,I'm still upset and hurt. I really don't know how I will visit him and sleep in the same bed that that happened in.

He has apologized and apologized and answered all of my questions. I think its just a matter of time now to see if we can continue our relationship past this.

Can't wait to hear your input...I'll add more when I get to work.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by mm16

OKkkkkkkkkkk!

I'm back with an update. You ladies (and gentlemen) are so funny and very supportive.. Thanks for the well wishes.

Anyway, a month ago he slept with his ex girlfriend. I really don't know what to say. I mean our relationship wasn't established at that point, etc. Of course I'm upset and things won't be normal for a while, if ever......

Anyway, I don't really know if I have the right to make this a deal breaker because we weren't serious..yes we were seeing eachother but I don't know that it was very serious/exclusive.

But even if I have the right or not,I'm still upset and hurt. I really don't know how I will visit him and sleep in the same bed that that happened in.

He has apologized and apologized and answered all of my questions. I think its just a matter of time now to see if we can continue our relationship past this.

Can't wait to hear your input...I'll add more when I get to work.

If he is already seeing you & still sleeping with ex, even at that point you both are not exclusive... forgiving him may be a license to "cheat" whenever he felt he is "not sure" of you.

If I were you, I would close this chapter on the guy and find a next better beau who would find ME to be the ONLY ONE no matter if all his ex(s) were to offer him a once in a life time orgy.

To commit to a guy without "willpower"... how long will his "will" of love last for you?

But that's just me.

[Purses]

Originally Posted by lolitakali

If he is already seeing you & still sleeping with ex, even at that point you both are not exclusive... forgiving him may be a license to "cheat" whenever he felt he is "not sure" of you.

If I were you, I would close this chapter on the guy and find a next better beau who would find ME to be the ONLY ONE no matter if all his ex(s) were to offer him a once in a life time orgy.

To commit to a guy without "willpower"... how long will his "will" of love last for you?

But that's just me.

I guess he was feeling horney and used her, but he did it when he was dating other women....to me, that is telling me that he has not let go of the past yet and is not ready for a committed relationship. He may be looking for a friend with benefits only.

[illinirdhd]

Originally Posted by Purses

I guess he was feeling horney and used her, but he did it when he was dating other women....to me, that is telling me that he has not let go of the past yet and is not ready for a committed relationship. He may be looking for a friend with benefits only.

I tend to agree with you. Sounds like you need to let yourself off the hook with this guy, so he can tie up loose ends with and get over his ex. There are guys out there who don't have this kind of baggage.

IMO, if you hadn't had the "it's just us, we're not dating/sleeping with other people" talk, then he didn't really cheat on you. Yeah, it's slimy to most of us to sleep with more than one person at a time, but others think it's perfectly acceptable if you're not exclusive. When I was dating, if I slept with a guy, then I was exclusive, even if we hadn't had the talk. But I didn't assume that the guy was exclusive until he had told me so.

I don't know - I really wonder about people who "confess" something like this. Chances are, you never would have found out if he hadn't opened his big mouth. I'm not saying it's ok to lie or hide things like this, but if you weren't exclusive, then I don't think he should have ever told you about this - he should have taken it with him to his grave. The only reason people tell things like this is to a) clear their own guilty conscience or b) hurt you. Either way, I think it was selfish of him to tell you about it.

The fact that he told you (not the fact that he had sex with someone else when you weren't exclusive) would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a manipulator.

[claireZk]

Dump him.

[nooch]

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

The fact that he told you (not the fact that he had sex with someone else when you weren't exclusive) would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a manipulator.

I agree 100%, especially HOW he told you.

[stellamaried]

First of all, he did not handle this well at all. I don't know that it's a deal breaker, but it was pretty immature and totally thoughtless.

Second, it is obviously up to you as to whether you want to continue to see him; you just need to decide how you feel about this and whether you will be able to move on. I suppose that lots of people do go back to their exes for sex after a breakup (it's not for me, but neither is it uncommon). Maybe it was totally meaningless. But it wasn't someone he didn't have a history with, like some random girl at a bar. Anyway, the real problem for me would be that he deliberately withheld this information from you and you had no idea. He knew that it would be upsetting to you. Maybe I have trust issues, but in all honesty, this would not be something that I personally could look past. I think this incident raises real concerns about his character and trustworthiness, and, while I know that you really do like him and this hurts a lot, I also think it's early enough in the relationship that you can get out relatively unscathed.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he's a great guy, maybe this was one stupid meaningless incident with the ex that he mishandled and not something that he would repeat, and maybe he wouldn't handle something that would upset you this much the same way again. I personally just wouldn't be willing to take that risk given the way he's acted. Hugs to you.

[stellamaried]

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

The fact that he told you (not the fact that he had sex with someone else when you weren't exclusive) would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a manipulator.

We cross posted -- it's kind of funny that you think the deal breaker is that he told her and I think it's that he didn't tell her (at the time).

I think the person he slept with while they were unexclusive is important.

[Veelyn]

Originally Posted by illinirdhd

I don't know - I really wonder about people who "confess" something like this. Chances are, you never would have found out if he hadn't opened his big mouth. I'm not saying it's ok to lie or hide things like this, but if you weren't exclusive, then I don't think he should have ever told you about this - he should have taken it with him to his grave. The only reason people tell things like this is to a) clear their own guilty conscience or b) hurt you. Either way, I think it was selfish of him to tell you about it.

The fact that he told you (not the fact that he had sex with someone else when you weren't exclusive) would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a manipulator.

ITA. Why did he feel he had to tell you this?

I'd say.. keep your distance.. for sure..

[mm16]

I'm not sure why he had to tell me because I don't know whether or not we were exclusive. That remains a mystery. yes there were feelings present at the time when he did this (1 month ago) but since then our feeling for each other have only become stronger. Maybe he felt the need to tell me because he does feel stronger (falling in love/in love with me/loves me) and he didn't want to have this hanging on him.

Either way I'm glad he felt the need to tell me. I'm positive that he told me because he felt guilty and because he wants to continue a relationship on an honest start..or at least try to start over again.

Tonight we are going to see eachother (we're going to a bar with some friends) and if its awkward and I don't feel comfortable or if it's all I'm thinking about then I think I'll know what I need to do, for me..