Why so much drama?

[ami kio]

Reading through threads, it seems like a lot of people swear off having friends -- mainly female -- b/c of the backstabbing/drama involved. Sadly, I recognize this case since one of my long-time female friendships is being tinged by drama, but I prefer to think of her as the exception rather than the rule.

I have a couple of close friends from HS/college with whom I keep in touch, but no really close female friends in my local area. At this point, it's a matter of not clicking with someone rather than drama on the other person's part. I realize that there is a somewhat self-selecting process going on here, but one would think from reading this forum that there are verrrrry few people that you can trust.

My question is: why?? Why is there so much drama? Is it just incompatibility of personalities, or are there really that many horrible people out there? I would hope that most of us are reasonable people, so why can't we find other reasonable people IRL?

My theory: we're not meeting other reasonable people IRL b/c we're all online at home.

[natalie78]

I think women in general (no offense to any of my girls) just tend to be more prone to causing and enjoying drama. I have a coworker who revels in it and consequently, we are not friends and do not speak to each other outside of work. I try to avoid drama, but sometimes it is hard to not get sucked in.

[Beenie]

This is kind of embarrassing, but I guess I am "safe" here. Last night I was talking on the phone to one of my best friends and we were talking about a girl at work we REALLY don't like (numerous reasons and no one at work likes her since she is MEAN) and my DH came out of the bathroom and said "busted!" and he asked if all girls do this...the talking of other girls and I realized that yeah, no matter if I am with any of my girl friends there is always a little drama...not necissarily within our group, but we are talking about SOMEONE. And I realize this: women have enough issues and instead of us all helping one another out we tend to bash and make others feel bad. I think since I was a little girl it has been like that. Like everyone needs to feel better about themselves and I think it is sad and a complete disservice to women that we hurt eachother when we could all HELP instead.

I am not saying ALL women do this, but I know many that do, in my circle of friends and out of it as well.

[nooch]

When I had friends my relationships were really not like that. But I don't get off on it and don't associate with people who do.

[schadenfreude]

Yeah... it's the endless, tiresome drama. Who needs it? It may be a function of immaturity, but women do seem prone to it for an indefinite amount of time. Why? There's such competition between women -- a weird contradictory need to be accepted and the need to be the best. It just doesn't go well together. And it seems that women know no boundaries. Whatever it takes to make them feel better, they do it, whether it's gossiping, talking shit, all the way to flat out lying and manipulation. Who needs it? No thanks!

[twinkle.tink]

I ask myself that all the time. I disassociate myself from fake drama (which 95% of it is), gossip and complaining all the time. I made a very conscious decision to this about 2 years ago, and am so much happier. Once in awhile I get sucked in...but usually within a few minutes, I realize it and disengage.

[natalie78]

When DH starts asking me about women's motivation for dressing up, wearing make-up, or whatever, I just point out that they are really doing it to impress each other, not to impress men. The competition between some women is simply exhausting.

[plain jane doe]

I think my view on this is not shared my many, if any, here. All of the following IMO -- I think a friendship should only be maintained insofar as both people are gaining something from it, and friendships are voluntary and don't carry any obligations. I would never confront a friend about something I don't like or accept a friend confronting me. My friendships have no drama, even though some of my friends have drama with other friends. I've never had my feelings hurt by a friend, though of course I've been offended, irritated, etc. It's just not as personal as a relationship with a family member or significant other, and when the friendship is close, it has gotten that way because of mutual respect and affection = no drama.

I have been in a lot of the situations posted about here, but they don't bother me. For example, if I hear that someone has been talking bad about me, I don't really care that much. I am not perfect, friends grate on each other at times, and everybody talks smack about everybody, so what? To me, that reflects more poorly on the person who didn't have any discretion or wanted to start shit and conveyed someone's venting back to me.

Another example, if a friend doesn't take the initiative to contact me. Well, I guess they are busy, they have their own lives, I am not the person they want to talk to right now, whatever it is. It's not even my business because it is not actually about me. I don't see the need to cut them out and decide I will never speak to them again because eventually we will get back to a place where we have things in common and will want to hang out again.

Of course everyone is different but this makes sense to me.

[Vegas Long Legs]

JMO - to avoid women all together as friends is really cheating yourself out of alot of self awareness & connection.
Will agree, there are some its better just to stay away from. You just need to be pickier about who to be friends with. Pick those you connect with emotionally not the outside fluff. Pick the soul not the earth suit.

[plain jane doe]

Btw, the most dramatic person I know is a guy. He has dumped every real friend he ever had, and posted passive-aggressively about each one on his blog.

[nooch]

Originally Posted by Vegas Long Legs

JMO - to avoid women all together as friends is really cheating yourself out of alot of self awareness & connection. Will agree, there are some its better just to stay away from. You just need to be pickier about who to be friends with. Pick those you connect with emotionally not the outside fluff. Pick the soul not the earth suit.

ITA about a million times over and I cannot stress enough how much I love how succinctly you put this.

[shanam]

Originally Posted by Vegas Long Legs

JMO - to avoid women all together as friends is really cheating yourself out of alot of self awareness & connection. Will agree, there are some its better just to stay away from. You just need to be pickier about who to be friends with. Pick those you connect with emotionally not the outside fluff. Pick the soul not the earth suit.

So right Vegas - and I think that the older we get the more important that female connection is and we get better at knowing who we can relate to and who are just
on our periphery.

[KristyDarling]

My guess is there are probably more positive female friendships out there than negative, we just *hear* more often about the negative ones here. People post because they need advice or a supportive community...they tend not to post when things are going smoothly with their friendships.

Like someone else said, the older you get, the more self-selecting your circle of friends. I remember there being a lot more drama in my circle of friends when we were in high school and college. When you get older and busier, your time becomes more precious and you only hang out with friends that you enjoy and truly care for. It's a good thing.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by Vegas Long Legs

JMO - to avoid women all together as friends is really cheating yourself out of alot of self awareness & connection. Will agree, there are some its better just to stay away from. You just need to be pickier about who to be friends with. Pick those you connect with emotionally not the outside fluff. Pick the soul not the earth suit.

I agree!

[natalie78]

Originally Posted by Vegas Long Legs

JMO - to avoid women all together as friends is really cheating yourself out of alot of self awareness & connection. Will agree, there are some its better just to stay away from. You just need to be pickier about who to be friends with. Pick those you connect with emotionally not the outside fluff. Pick the soul not the earth suit.

I agree and sometimes I do feel left out of something good. But overall, I have a hard time connecting with other females. I always have. I have a lond history of making a really good friend, getting sisterly close, then having something dramatic happen to end it. I just threw in the towel and gave up.