Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People?

MyLuckyCharm · Feb 14th, 2008, 11:10 PM

I find it so frustrating how withdrawn people can be. And usually, they hide their insecurity by being really cliquey with a select few number of people, whom they consider a part of their comfort zone. Little do they know that they are shutting out the rest of the world and the people around them who would like to get close to them.

I often find myself holding back when I meet an acquaintence, because I'm really outgoing by nature, and I'm so afraid of coming on too strongly and scaring them off, or making them think that I'm weird or too approachable. Weird philosophy I know, right? But that's the way that I've learned to interpret it over the years...

So come off it already, why is it so hard to get close to people? For example, if you were out jogging with your best friend, you could joke around and hassle them for running too slow and they won't take it personally; but if you are around someone else whom you aren't as close to and try to joke around about it with them, they'll take it the wrong way and think that you're weird. [This didn't happen to me; my friend told me this story that happened to her at soccer tryouts, actually. I just had this topic in my mind all day.]

It's extremely frustrating! For that reason, I often try to tone down my friendliness and keep more to myself like other people do, but sometimes others misread that as snobbiness. How come I can't reach a happy medium? I also find myself holding back from initiating hanging out with people who I've just become friends with, because I'm afraid of rejection or them thinking that I'm too forward. For example, I've known one girl since way back in middleschool, but we never got to know each other until the end of highschool. I've always admired/looked up to her and tried to center the way that i carry myself around her and the way that she does, and I'd love to be closer friends, but she's part of a cliquey group, and if you approach her alone, she'll take initiative and talk to you, but when she's with her familiar group, she'll still be friendly but more distant. I hate that!

It hurts. What's wrong with me?

And why is it so hard to get close to people by nature?

MyLuckyCharm · Feb 14th, 2008, 11:14 PM

I'm so sorry guys; I didn't mean to post this in the general discussion. This was definitely meant to be in the relationships forum. I must have forgotten that I was browsing the gen. discussion forum first. Again, I'm sorry for any inconvenience.

carol86cruz · Feb 14th, 2008, 11:32 PM

I use to be an outgoing person...then i went through the hard "teenage years" and realized how evil people could be, so now I build a fence around me,,,,I'm quiet and usually keep to myself. Sometimes people say i'm shy, stuck-up or whatever, but it's just my way of protecting myself. I'm such a caring person but people take advantage of that so I try not to let myself get hurt.

Zophie · Feb 15th, 2008, 01:17 AM

I've always had trouble getting close to people. I think maybe I'm actually a little social phobic. I've just never been really outgoing and though I'm better than I used to be, I sometimes freak out in crowds.

*Lo · Feb 15th, 2008, 01:30 AM

I think its because the older people get the more they have gone thru and get hurt by others which makes them less willing to want to get close to people bc loosing loved ones or getting hurt by those closest to you really really sucks. So they are less inclined to let people be that close to them. I know jaded view but thats how i am, i cant help it, I have been really working on it, but i am a very distant person due to issues i had in the past.

Batel · Feb 15th, 2008, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Lo

I think its because the older people get the more they have gone thru and get hurt by others which makes them less willing to want to get close to people bc loosing loved ones or getting hurt by those closest to you really really sucks. So they are less inclined to let people be that close to them. I know jaded view but thats how i am, i cant help it, I have been really working on it, but i am a very distant person due to issues i had in the past.

ITA Lo, our experiences mold the way we treat others and unfortunately people get hurt. We become more closed off from others to keep from getting hurt. It's a sad cycle.

Speedy · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:05 AM

Got me. Except for the fact that when I do make friends, it isn't long before I find out they really want something from me and that totally blows my desire to remain friends with someone. It seems nowadays, friends come with pricetags or are really just emotional blood suckers.

miss_ritz · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:15 AM

haha I kind of relate to you MyLuckyCharm. I am really outgoing as well and have to put in an effort to tone myself down around people I don't know very well, or I might just weird them out! lol. But those who know me, know how much fun I can be.

I wish some people were more honest and upfront about things, so we could be good friends easier, but I realize that not everybody is the same. I also hate it when people are quick to label you a snob if you are not chatting away a gazillion words per minute. I have my off-days too, and can't always chat with everyone!

vaclav · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:20 AM

Perhaps because the, people are away ?

shay86 · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zophie

I've always had trouble getting close to people. I think maybe I'm actually a little social phobic. I've just never been really outgoing and though I'm better than I used to be, I sometimes freak out in crowds.

same here.

devoted · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:23 AM

I can't get close to people too....it has nothing to do with me being scared of getting hurt. I automatically know which people are horrible just by talking to them for a minute, I have fun coming up with personality profiles of random people.

And the people who I don't automatically dislike, I generally just get along with...but it's never a close relationship. So most people I meet I am indifferent towards, only a few I detest and only a few I care for.

balihai88 · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:41 AM

I'm naturally outgoing and curious, and enjoy meeting new people. The problem is, I wish I could relate to more people. Some differences are good (eg, personal style), but others create a chasm that can't be bridged (eg, values).

doreenjoy · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:46 AM

I just find it hard to make the "small talk" that most people chatter about on first meeting. My interests are completely different from most people's and I think it's shallow to chat about the weather. I'd rather talk about how people feel/think, stuff that isn't appropriate when you first meet someone. So I come off as aloof or stuck up, until someone knows me better and we have things to discuss.

regina_garbe · Feb 15th, 2008, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

I just find it hard to make the "small talk" that most people chatter about on first meeting. My interests are completely different from most people's and I think it's shallow to chat about the weather. I'd rather talk about how people feel/think, stuff that isn't appropriate when you first meet someone. So I come off as aloof or stuck up, until someone knows me better and we have things to discuss.

ITA!!! Same with me... I hate superficial conversation. I can do it if I must but I hate it... I am the classic aloof type and people who have low self esteem find me arrogant (mostly women, though).
Regina

LOREBUNDE · Feb 15th, 2008, 11:18 AM

I think like some said you learn from the past how people can be so you keep your guard up. I'm more on the shy side so yes, some people interpret that as being snobby. My husband will talk with anybody, he knows someone wherever we go. It seems though the people he comes close to always end up wanting something from him and the friendship ends. My advice to him is to stop opening up to so many people which is not in his nature.

Feb 14th, 2008, 11:10 PM	#1
MyLuckyCharm Daydreamer	Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I find it so frustrating how withdrawn people can be. And usually, they hide their insecurity by being really cliquey with a select few number of people, whom they consider a part of their comfort zone. Little do they know that they are shutting out the rest of the world and the people around them who would like to get close to them. I often find myself holding back when I meet an acquaintence, because I'm really outgoing by nature, and I'm so afraid of coming on too strongly and scaring them off, or making them think that I'm weird or too approachable. Weird philosophy I know, right? But that's the way that I've learned to interpret it over the years... So come off it already, why is it so hard to get close to people? For example, if you were out jogging with your best friend, you could joke around and hassle them for running too slow and they won't take it personally; but if you are around someone else whom you aren't as close to and try to joke around about it with them, they'll take it the wrong way and think that you're weird. [This didn't happen to me; my friend told me this story that happened to her at soccer tryouts, actually. I just had this topic in my mind all day.] It's extremely frustrating! For that reason, I often try to tone down my friendliness and keep more to myself like other people do, but sometimes others misread that as snobbiness. How come I can't reach a happy medium? I also find myself holding back from initiating hanging out with people who I've just become friends with, because I'm afraid of rejection or them thinking that I'm too forward. For example, I've known one girl since way back in middleschool, but we never got to know each other until the end of highschool. I've always admired/looked up to her and tried to center the way that i carry myself around her and the way that she does, and I'd love to be closer friends, but she's part of a cliquey group, and if you approach her alone, she'll take initiative and talk to you, but when she's with her familiar group, she'll still be friendly but more distant. I hate that! It hurts. What's wrong with me? And why is it so hard to get close to people by nature?

Feb 14th, 2008, 11:14 PM	#2
MyLuckyCharm Daydreamer	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I'm so sorry guys; I didn't mean to post this in the general discussion. This was definitely meant to be in the relationships forum. I must have forgotten that I was browsing the gen. discussion forum first. Again, I'm sorry for any inconvenience.

Feb 14th, 2008, 11:32 PM	#3
carol86cruz Member	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I use to be an outgoing person...then i went through the hard "teenage years" and realized how evil people could be, so now I build a fence around me,,,,I'm quiet and usually keep to myself. Sometimes people say i'm shy, stuck-up or whatever, but it's just my way of protecting myself. I'm such a caring person but people take advantage of that so I try not to let myself get hurt. __________________

Feb 15th, 2008, 01:17 AM	#4
Zophie I <3 my Maltese! Location: New Orleans, LA	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I've always had trouble getting close to people. I think maybe I'm actually a little social phobic. I've just never been really outgoing and though I'm better than I used to be, I sometimes freak out in crowds. __________________

Feb 15th, 2008, 01:30 AM	#5
*Lo Member Location: New Jersey	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I think its because the older people get the more they have gone thru and get hurt by others which makes them less willing to want to get close to people bc loosing loved ones or getting hurt by those closest to you really really sucks. So they are less inclined to let people be that close to them. I know jaded view but thats how i am, i cant help it, I have been really working on it, but i am a very distant person due to issues i had in the past.

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:05 AM	#7
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? Got me. Except for the fact that when I do make friends, it isn't long before I find out they really want something from me and that totally blows my desire to remain friends with someone. It seems nowadays, friends come with pricetags or are really just emotional blood suckers.

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:15 AM	#8
miss_ritz Member	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? haha I kind of relate to you MyLuckyCharm. I am really outgoing as well and have to put in an effort to tone myself down around people I don't know very well, or I might just weird them out! lol. But those who know me, know how much fun I can be. I wish some people were more honest and upfront about things, so we could be good friends easier, but I realize that not everybody is the same. I also hate it when people are quick to label you a snob if you are not chatting away a gazillion words per minute. I have my off-days too, and can't always chat with everyone!

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:20 AM	#9
vaclav Member	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? Perhaps because the, people are away ?

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:23 AM	#11
devoted Member	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I can't get close to people too....it has nothing to do with me being scared of getting hurt. I automatically know which people are horrible just by talking to them for a minute, I have fun coming up with personality profiles of random people. And the people who I don't automatically dislike, I generally just get along with...but it's never a close relationship. So most people I meet I am indifferent towards, only a few I detest and only a few I care for.

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:41 AM	#12
balihai88 26.2 Location: At the beach!	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I'm naturally outgoing and curious, and enjoy meeting new people. The problem is, I wish I could relate to more people. Some differences are good (eg, personal style), but others create a chasm that can't be bridged (eg, values). __________________

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:46 AM	#13
doreenjoy I should be writing. Location: The Left Coast	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I just find it hard to make the "small talk" that most people chatter about on first meeting. My interests are completely different from most people's and I think it's shallow to chat about the weather. I'd rather talk about how people feel/think, stuff that isn't appropriate when you first meet someone. So I come off as aloof or stuck up, until someone knows me better and we have things to discuss.

Feb 15th, 2008, 11:18 AM	#15
LOREBUNDE Member Location: Rhode Island	Re: Why Is It So Hard To Get Close To People? I think like some said you learn from the past how people can be so you keep your guard up. I'm more on the shy side so yes, some people interpret that as being snobby. My husband will talk with anybody, he knows someone wherever we go. It seems though the people he comes close to always end up wanting something from him and the friendship ends. My advice to him is to stop opening up to so many people which is not in his nature.