[maddog]

With Maryanne's post, it got me thinking. Why do some of us bottle emotions up?

Many times, I can be mad about something and not even know. I would know something is wrong, but can't pinpoint what it is until about two days later, which causes problems because my anger builds up over that time. Plus, it causes my bf a lot of grief cuz I keep saying "I don't know" when he asks what's wrong. He thinks I'm just not telling him but in reality, I really don't know. And after I know the problem, it takes at least another day to verbalize; at times it's too late to bring up the issue.I've improved a lot lately, and he's more aware of this now so it's not a current problem, but there is always room for improvement.

For those of you who have these issues, please share stories and how you are coping/coped with this? Why do you think this came to be?

For me, I think it has a lot to do with my childhood and over-discipline. I'm aware of this but being aware is only one step. I'm stumped as to how to actually improve?

For those of you that don't have this problem, what are your suggestions on how to improve on being more emotionally aware and healthy?

[guancia]

I have no idea. I think I did this more in the past, but it was the opposite. I let everything out. One thing could have been bothering me, but I was unsure what it was, then I would yell at my DF for everything! Now when I'm in a pissy mood, I tell him straight up that "I'm in a bad mood, and please don't do ____ (whatever he's doing at the moment that's getting me a bit aggrivated)". I eventually get over the inital moodiness, and talk to him if he was doing anything, or apologize if I was just in a mood.

I feel so bad for my DF.

[Liz_x3]

I know that when I bottle things up it's only hurting me and not the people around me. Sometimes I can be a little too much considerate of everyone else and not of me (and then there are those times when I'm a straight up bitch but that's a different story). I may not show it the majority of the time but I care a great deal about the people around me and their feelings and issues. I try not to pile my crap on them.

[Jill]

I WISH i had the ability to bottle it up...LOL

Im kinda known for speaking my mind .....hehe....I never hesitate....sigh!

In all honesty,Im the youngest of 7 kids.I think I HAD to speak my mind growing up..cuz I had sooo many people around me growing up!

[Irishgal]

Generally people learn to deal with their emotions via their family of origin. Parents give feedback, verbal or non verbal, as to what is acceptable. Also, in families like Jill's, kids learn what they have to do to be "heard" so they figure out what that is a stick with it, often through adulthood.

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by Jill

I WISH i had the ability to bottle it up...LOL

Im kinda known for speaking my mind .....hehe....I never hesitate....sigh!

In all honesty,Im the youngest of 7 kids.I think I HAD to speak my mind growing up..cuz I had sooo many people around me growing up!

I'm kind of like this too. I don't want to bottle up my feelings, but maybe I should once in a while! :) I kind of wear my emotions on my sleeve, which if I'm not careful, can be draining to those around me. I've always said what I think. Even when I can't say what I think to be polite, it can be obvious by my behavior that something is bothering me.

[Jahpson]

when i bottle up emotions its usually because I don't want to share them with anybody.

But im a pretty vocal person about my feelings, I also like to speak my mind even if some folks don't like to hear it.

[redredshoes]

Originally Posted by maddog

With Maryanne's post, it got me thinking. Why do some of us bottle emotions up?

Many times, I can be mad about something and not even know. I would know something is wrong, but can't pinpoint what it is until about two days later, which causes problems because my anger builds up over that time. Plus, it causes my bf a lot of grief cuz I keep saying "I don't know" when he asks what's wrong. He thinks I'm just not telling him but in reality, I really don't know. And after I know the problem, it takes at least another day to verbalize; at times it's too late to bring up the issue.I've improved a lot lately, and he's more aware of this now so it's not a current problem, but there is always room for improvement.

For those of you who have these issues, please share stories and how you are coping/coped with this? Why do you think this came to be?

For me, I think it has a lot to do with my childhood and over-discipline. I'm aware of this but being aware is only one step. I'm stumped as to how to actually improve?

For those of you that don't have this problem, what are your suggestions on how to improve on being more emotionally aware and healthy?

I am a large glass bottle! Quick tempers run in my family, so at some point when I was fairly young I resolved to think long and hard before ever saying anything, which came back to bite me in the ass. On the upside, I never say things I wish I could take back, but on the down, there are countless things I wish I had said.

I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive and understanding. You may have seen elsewhere that I'm not that position now, but I have been at some points, so I'll speak from that experience. It really, really frustrated my boyfriend to have me say I didn't know what I was feeling or not be able to express it, or to bring it up days later. But when he was understanding of it, it helped me to think of how hard he was trying on his end, which motivated me to try harder on mine to not hurt him by making him feel shut out.

As far as just not knowing for a couple of days, I don't have too many suggestions there. But I will say as far as outward behavior, I think going about business as usual as long as you don't even know what's wrong is better than becoming preemptively moody. But if something is wrong enough that you already feel that way, don't say everything is fine, just try to be honest.

Usually I can also learn something by looking back at what happened once I have figured it out. Sometimes I get angry about small things, and I repress it because I don't want to be the idiot who gets all worked up about nothing. But it's really counterproductive because if I am that idiot, I am that idiot, and that anger doesn't just go away by itself, so then I try to imagine it's about something bigger and more "worthwhile" when it's totally unnecessary. So if you are like me and have any preconceptions about what is okay and what is too stupid to feel, it could help to be aware of those ideas and to try to set them aside.

[Maryanne007]

Originally Posted by redredshoes

I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive and understanding. You may have seen elsewhere that I'm not that position now, but I have been at some points, so I'll speak from that experience. It really, really frustrated my boyfriend to have me say I didn't know what I was feeling or not be able to express it, or to bring it up days later. But when he was understanding of it, it helped me to think of how hard he was trying on his end, which motivated me to try harder on mine to not hurt him by making him feel shut out.

This is exactly me~ which I guess makes sense since I prompted this post. Lol. I tried to not cause any confrontations, which just led me to be resentful on the inside, exploding later on. In fights with my SO, I sometimes bring up things I was mad about months beforehand, which I know is absolutely awful. Its hard to change, especially when I've never really acted in any other way, but I see how destructive it can be.

On another note, I realized that it too has a lot to do with my family. My parents and siblings are all very EXPLOSIVE people who yell a lot and just say mean things when they're mad. I've always tried not to do that, and control my emotions, but I guess you can go too far the other way too. Must find a balance...

[maddog]

I appreciate the feedback! Redredshoes and Maryanne, I am just like that too. I don't argue about something that happened months ago now, but it still takes about a day to sort things out. My friend and I had this discussion before and I just think it's really interesting how some of us women have these issues. Part of the reason for the discussion is to help us overcome this because we all know how destructive it can be.

It's interesting to me because it seems that this mainly happens to girls who have childhoods with explosive tempers in the family, so we learn to keep things in, to the point where we as adults don't even recognize the reason for the emotion. OTOH boys have been taught through the ages to keep their emotions in check, but they don't have these issues. What gives?

I also have a dad who had a hot temper. Got punished for things that were out of control, got punished for crying when I'm sad/being punished for something out of my control, etc. I realize it had a huge impact on my childhood (e.g. never told my parents things that people did to me when I should have, because I thought I would just get punished more rather than being defended by them), but only recently did I realize its impact on my adult life.

Now it's the matter of taking that awareness and finding a way to convert the behaviour enough so it's not destructive.

[Kelly_Birkin]

maddog, Good thread.

For me, there's just some people you can't talk to. For whatever reason and circumstance. Sometimes, I feel that people have enough
problems, that they don't need to hear me whine. My one close friend
is slowly pulling away, because she graduated and hasn't had time
for me (she even forgot my birthday, which is the same day as hers!
I mailed her a card about getting together), and she hasn't returned
any of my messages to her and my other close friend,
we're trying to reconnect after years apart, she has her own problems,
and I don't want to be a burden. My father and I (we also share the
same birthday) are strained at best, and teachers at school, whom
I respect, I know they have their own things to go through, why
would I add to their stress? My sister is mildly mentally retarded,
so I can't share with her in a normal way, and my mother has
passed on.
I'm currently single, so I don't have an SO to share life with.
And my online pals like here on the purse forum...I come here to
escape and I don't want to be a bother or a sad sack.

Sometimes, there is just no one you can talk to.

Despite my post, I try to see the glass half-full
on most days. :)

[MissV]

I bottle it up cause i dont want to hurt his feelings or be a "nagging b*tch".....but at the end of the day it ends up eating me a way until i just blow up out of no where...