Why do people plan to get engaged?

[sarasmith3269]

I have found myself questioning why I have been seeing so many posts with people saying, "We plan to get engaged in insert time here". Isnt the idea of getting engaged the committment and plan to get married?

To me saying, we are going to get engaged in 1 year is like saying, we are going to commit to committing to get married in 1 year. If you are going to get "engaged" in one year, why arent you now? Are you waiting for the ring? Are you waiting to get done with school? why do you not want to call yourself engaged now, but will want to in a certain period of time?

It just seems to me, if you are committed to commiting to an engagement in one year, shouldnt you be committed to it now? Am i making any sense or am I crazy? Please help me understand.

[shanam]

I think it has to do with what the word engagement means in an old fashioned traditional way. When someone tells me they (actually their daughter/son at this point for me) it means, that plans are being made for a definite wedding date, shower, celebration or whatever. i think there is just some unspoken rule that the engagement and the marriage occur with a 12 month period. long engagements sort of take the fun/excitement out of it, if you know what i mean?

[Blondee178]

^^I was thinking the same thing. Some people feel like being engaged means having to plan a wedding soon after. I've been engaged for 2 years and still haven't started to plan. This is something that was agreed upon since he proposed. We are okay with it but I can't tell you the amount of times people come up to me wanting to know when we are gonna get married? why are we waiting so long? Etc...

[drdreawisc]

^^i think part of it does have to do with the time period for the engagement and the meaning of the word engagement. you can plan to spend the rest of your life with someone and have a loose timeline for marriage without being formally engaged, assuming a formal engagement means you are actually planning the wedding. but there are also life things that prevent a formal engagement. you mentioned a big one: school. a lot of people want to wait until they are done with school to get engaged. some people want to wait until they are a certain age or have a certain amount of money. again, this all assumes that being engaged means you are actively planning the wedding.

my boyfriend and i live 1,000 miles apart. we plan to get engaged in the next few years. we're not engaged now because our careers prevent us from being in the same city. planning a wedding from and being married in different cities is not ideal.

i don't understand arbitrarily planning to get engaged, but i think most people who say they are planning to get engaged have a specific reason to have chosen a specific time frame.

[MissLianne]

I'm actually one of those "planning on getting engaged at xxx"

I think engagements-weddings and marriages are just different these days as opposed to generations past. It's not just the love and commitment factor you need to have in the equation, but financially stability is almost as important.

Dbf just got out of school and has JUST started working (he worked while he was in school but p/t and f/t during his summer's off). I am finishing up my last year of school come September (and I too worked p/t and am currently working f/t for the summer). At least by next summer I'll have a B.Comm and will be looking for perm. full time work. We both want financial stability before we get married... we want a place to live! Nothing extravagant: we prefer a condo or townhome. We've yet to decide which area as our city is so large. But in the mean time we've made a commitment to start making and effort to put aside money.

I've seen friends get married and stuggle- and constantly fight about it. I don't want that. I know there will ALWAYS be tough times, but I think about planning ahead maybe can aleviate those issues (somewhat).

And I agree with the poster above- you have about 1 yr to plan and hold the wedding. I want some more time to save before being pressured to have to go out and buy something I can't afford.

Dbf and I have been dating since I was 18 and he was 19... we're not going anywhere! We're as committed to eachother as it gets.

[Jeneen]

The long term plan is for my bf and I to wed... we like to take things slooooww. I'm a bit commitment phobic, and it takes me awhile to get used to things... on his end, it is financial; he wants to be able to afford a ring, a shared with me down payment on a home and he is also deciding what he wants to do with his career, like which grad school track he should take.
We don't however have a time set to get engaged... we are moving in together and he knows how I feel about cohabiting without commitment, so I am thinking we will be engaged withing the next six months or so, especially since he asked me what kind of ring I want and has been privately discussing things with my sister, and his mom keeps bringing wedding venue packets around. (for religious and commitment purposes, I would not live with him until we were married, however the economy is horrible, I would like a trial run, and I am getting too old for roommates, and most importantly I LOVE him and am ready to move forward with him).

Long answer...

[sarasmith3269]

interesting...ive never given much thought to the timeframe between getting engaged and getting married. ive only looked at it from a commitment frame of mind.

I always thought it was strange for people to say that they plan to commit, but in a certain amount of time, when it would be more convenient for them. also, I think that (for me) would take the fun out of it. I mean the whole surprise of getting engaged...you already know he's gonna do it, and now you have a certain time frame, i guess im a little whimsical and old fashioned. Id much prefer not to know and have that shocking moment of holy crap, he's totally serious and down on one knee and pouring his heart out and telling me he wants to spend forever and ever with me. The whole idea of planning the engagement (for me) seems too much like a business transaction.

This certainly gives me a new way to look at that idea and I can certainly see that point of view.

[Jeneen]

^ That's why I like a wider time frame on the supposed engagement, I want to be thrilled and surprised also... I would like a 2 year engagement... I'm a snail :)

[gina2328]

Hmmm. Interesting, I have seen a few posts with that written. I don't see how anyone can be engaged without a ring, that makes it official. Also, anything can happen, even after the ring, engagements and weddings can be called off. Nothing is ever written in stone.

[Jeneen]

^ Yup, you can plan and plan but there are no guarantees in life!

[lolitakali]

thats weird...

I always thought the day he/she proposed is "already" the day you've gotten engaged.

After the day my DH proposed, he already told everyone he met we will be married and is already engaged... dunno I guess it varies with culture?

P.S. We are married roughly 1/2 year after he proposed; if that helps with the engagement period questions.

[sarasmith3269]

Id like to add, that I can certainly see people "waiting to get married", i guess what has always thrown me is the "planning to get engaged". I also think its totally normal to talk about the future and getting married and buying a house and all that...I guess I have just had a different view about what the word engaged meant. In my opinion the word engaged meant, commitment to get married, and the phrase "planning to get engaged" kinda sounded like it was a plan to become committed to the idea of marriage. I cant see in my mind, but am completely open to reasons, why anyone needs to be done with school, financially stable or anything other than in love to become engaged; to get married, yes.

[L4F4]

I'm with you OP. I find that strange. I also find it strange how some couples get engaged to be married years from now. Either get married now (within a few months of the engagement) or don't get engage yet if you're not willing to get married in a few months.

[Jeneen]

Once engaged, a part of me would marry my boyfriend the next day, but then a bigger part says, go to a church, have your family and friends around you... and that part takes major planning!

[sarasmith3269]

Originally Posted by lolitakali

thats weird... I always thought the day he/she proposed is "already" the day you've gotten engaged. After the day my DH proposed, he already told everyone he met we will be married and is already engaged... dunno I guess it varies with culture? P.S. We are married roughly 1/2 year after he proposed; if that helps with the engagement period questions.

Thats kinda what i was saying...like if youve talked about it, and both agreed to it, then, arent you kinda engaged...even without the ring?