Why do people plan to get engaged?

[vuittonamour]

more often i say "we HOPE to be engaged by..." whenever. meaning it informs people we want to be engaged, but aren't because of certain circumstances. but PLANNING to get engaged could really just mean that it's in the future and what both boy and girl want, but they are just preparing their lives for where they believe they should be when they are engaged.

honestly, i think it's very simple.

[digby723]

I think most people end up with someone that they really love and both of them see marriage in their future but the timing isn't right, hence why they plan on getting engaged. Also, some people like to have plans and don't like to be surprised, which is another reason why people might like to plan on being engaged. Making sure both people are financially able to afford a ring and marriage also helps, so planning a time frame for an engagement helps make them meet a deadline, so to speak.

For me and my boyfriend it is a combination of things. We are both 23 but I have 2 years of school left. We have talked about marriage and engagements for a very long time, but neither one of us is ready, financially or otherwise. We are not in the right place in our lives yet to start thinging of weddings and rings. He knows I want a long engagement, at least a year and a half to 2 years. Why? because we are from completely different cultures, so I know his family will need time to adjust and get used to the idea of him marrying outside of his culture. Also, so that in our engagement period we can save up as much cash as humanly possible to pay for our wedding. Nothing fancy, just something small, as neither one of us has a large family or a ton of friends. Plus, planning on getting engaged helps us make sure that we are on the same page. He has given me a promise ring, which is kind of like an engagement to get engaged, and for us it is a promise to each other that we are each others futures when we can afford it and when I am done with school and both of us have steady stable jobs.

[RedSoleAddict]

I guess I will explain my views too...

Engagements these days have become a big part of the process towards marriage and most use it to make it official that they want/plan to get married, many celebrating it in a style that's almost like a mini-wedding (cake, makeup, photoshoots etc). As engagement comes before marriage, I guess one says that you plan on getting engaged of course married afterwards. Yes, you could say you plan on getting married, but weddings require planning, therefore you plan on getting engaged first and then once that takes place you (some slowly, some quickly) consider the marriage and wedding.

Now onto my situation: I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and marriage and life together is the plan down the track otherwise why would I be wasting so many years of both of our lives if I did not see that in our futures. We are both working towards getting our degrees (almost done!). He works and I don't. Although I am an only child, I don't want to have to rush and get married knowing that I will definitely have to rely on my parents for financial support. They have already provided me with everything throughout my life and weddings are not cheap. In a perfect little world of mine I would like it if we were able to pay for most if not all that WE want for OUR wedding ourselves (of course if the parents from both sides want to chip in here and there that's fine). Besides the wedding, there are many other costs that come with marriage, not as simple as getting a house and paying the mortgage. I guess I want to have some kind of "stability", whether that may be a job that I know will be long-term, a house, a car or enough savings.

Many people ask us when we will get married as we have been together for a long time, but I tell them "so we get married now and where do we go from there?". We both live with our parents, both still studying, he has a job and a car in his name. Wow that'll get us far, meaning that in our current situation we would 100% require assistance from our parents for just about everything. To me marriage (or moving out for some) is about becoming "indepedent" and in my books that does not mean asking the family to pay for things CONTINUOUSLY.

I understand this is not a perfect world and who knows IF and WHEN I will get married to my boyfriend and whether I will be as financially ready and stable (as I'd like to now) once we do decide but that is the plan at the moment. What the future will bring, I don't know.

(Sorry for the essay and I hope it makes some sense. This is just MY view on things, as I said life is different for everyone and you never know so of course different people may have a different view on this)

[Green Zebra]

does this mean anything??

With my SO for 10 years...I've been engaged for 8 years....and just recently got married...

Any comments??

[kimalee]

Originally Posted by RedSoleAddict

I guess I will explain my views too... Engagements these days have become a big part of the process towards marriage and most use it to make it official that they want/plan to get married, many celebrating it in a style that's almost like a mini-wedding (cake, makeup, photoshoots etc). As engagement comes before marriage, I guess one says that you plan on getting engaged of course married afterwards. Yes, you could say you plan on getting married, but weddings require planning, therefore you plan on getting engaged first and then once that takes place you (some slowly, some quickly) consider the marriage and wedding. Now onto my situation: I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and marriage and life together is the plan down the track otherwise why would I be wasting so many years of both of our lives if I did not see that in our futures. We are both working towards getting our degrees (almost done!). He works and I don't. Although I am an only child, I don't want to have to rush and get married knowing that I will definitely have to rely on my parents for financial support. They have already provided me with everything throughout my life and weddings are not cheap. In a perfect little world of mine I would like it if we were able to pay for most if not all that WE want for OUR wedding ourselves (of course if the parents from both sides want to chip in here and there that's fine). Besides the wedding, there are many other costs that come with marriage, not as simple as getting a house and paying the mortgage. I guess I want to have some kind of "stability", whether that may be a job that I know will be long-term, a house, a car or enough savings. Many people ask us when we will get married as we have been together for a long time, but I tell them "so we get married now and where do we go from there?". We both live with our parents, both still studying, he has a job and a car in his name. Wow that'll get us far, meaning that in our current situation we would 100% require assistance from our parents for just about everything. To me marriage (or moving out for some) is about becoming "indepedent" and in my books that does not mean asking the family to pay for things CONTINUOUSLY. I understand this is not a perfect world and who knows IF and WHEN I will get married to my boyfriend and whether I will be as financially ready and stable (as I'd like to now) once we do decide but that is the plan at the moment. What the future will bring, I don't know. (Sorry for the essay and I hope it makes some sense. This is just MY view on things, as I said life is different for everyone and you never know so of course different people may have a different view on this)

I'm in a similar situation...bf and I have been together 5 years and are both finishing our graduate degrees. We're both only children, still financially dependent on our parents, live at home, don't have jobs, etc. So marriage just is not a possibility for us right now. An engagement isn't, either - even if we could afford a ring, we couldn't afford a wedding. And then even if we scrounged up enough for a wedding, we couldn't afford a house. So on and so forth.
Hopefully things will be clearer in the future, when we have jobs and some financial stability/independence. But I'm not in a rush to be engaged or married any time soon (I'm only 21), and I have zero interest in planning a wedding right now. Although I plan on one day being engaged, I'm not at a point where I'm going to go around telling people that we're planning an engagement in the near future. Maybe it will be a year from now or ten years from now. It just isn't really important to me. My father asks me all the time why I'm not engaged yet; I tell him because I need to save up money so I'm not living in his guest room with my husband lol. I'm perfectly fine with things as they are. It's difficult to not know exactly how things will turn out or if they'll end up exactly the way you want them to, but that's life and it's all part of the adventure.

Sorry for my ramblings. It's late and I'm tired. My point basically is that I still think of myself and my bf as kids, even though we're both in grad school and will soon be employed (cross your fingers, everyone). It's nice to be kids together right now without thinking about adult things like engagements and weddings and bills and jobs, you know?

[kimalee]

Originally Posted by Green Zebra

does this mean anything?? With my SO for 10 years...I've been engaged for 8 years....and just recently got married... Any comments??

Whatever works, right? Congrats BTW!

[RedSoleAddict]

Originally Posted by kimalee

I'm in a similar situation...bf and I have been together 5 years and are both finishing our graduate degrees. We're both .....

ITA, you and I seem to have the same views (except my dad is rather strict)

Originally Posted by kimalee

Whatever works, right? Congrats BTW!

Ditto!

[Sass]

Originally Posted by sarasmith3269

interesting...ive never given much thought to the timeframe between getting engaged and getting married. ive only looked at it from a commitment frame of mind. I always thought it was strange for people to say that they plan to commit, but in a certain amount of time, when it would be more convenient for them. also, I think that (for me) would take the fun out of it. I mean the whole surprise of getting engaged...you already know he's gonna do it, and now you have a certain time frame, i guess im a little whimsical and old fashioned. Id much prefer not to know and have that shocking moment of holy crap, he's totally serious and down on one knee and pouring his heart out and telling me he wants to spend forever and ever with me. The whole idea of planning the engagement (for me) seems too much like a business transaction. This certainly gives me a new way to look at that idea and I can certainly see that point of view.

I use to think like this also, I wanted to be completely surprised have no idea he was proposing etc like a rom-com movie lol.


The reality for me was that once you get to a certain stage of the relationship (and that timeframe varies from person to person) you will inevitably start planning for the future ... and here comes my personal epiphany after a close friend got engaged around the same time.

For example this friend who was suprised by her proposal, she had two years of her degree left, was still in her late teens and didn't want to be married for approximately 4-5 years. Also he proposed with a yellow gold ring (she would have prefered platinum or white gold which she had told him).

I personally would have HATED it I my now FI had not discussed marrige with me before he proposed, discussed timelines, discussed budget for rings and other important considerations like schooling and budgeting for a wedding.


So what I'm saying is that yes it may not be like the movies but I personally would much prefer to plan for our life together etc together. Also I firmly believe that a proposal of marrige (while traditional a male role) should not just be a decison made soley by the male, after all marriage is all about working together as a team.

Or maybe I am just a bit feminist when it comes to these types of matters

[bagaholic85]

Originally Posted by Green Zebra

does this mean anything?? With my SO for 10 years...I've been engaged for 8 years....and just recently got married... Any comments??

just one. congratulations on ur wedding!

[sarasmith3269]

Originally Posted by Green Zebra

does this mean anything?? With my SO for 10 years...I've been engaged for 8 years....and just recently got married... Any comments??

This is how i suppose id do it. get engaged, and then take my time planning the wedding. IMO, it makes more sense to wait for the engagement and then start planning the wedding. But to each their own.

[rainrowan]

Originally Posted by Jeneen

^ That's why I like a wider time frame on the supposed engagement, I want to be thrilled and surprised also... I would like a 2 year engagement... I'm a snail :)

We were engaged only after 3 months of knowing each other. We had a 2-year engagement... and then we eloped

I would have gone nuts from the anxiety if I had to set my engagement or wedding to a certain time frame.

Spur of the moment is good

[Jeneen]

Originally Posted by rainrowan

We were engaged only after 3 months of knowing each other. We had a 2-year engagement... and then we eloped I would have gone nuts from the anxiety if I had to set my engagement or wedding to a certain time frame. Spur of the moment is good

I would LOVE to have a romantic whirlwind passionate relationship - I'm definitely excited for other people who do, but for my own life, I'm just far too cynical... I think some people know right away -
Congrats rainrowan you are living the dream

[rainrowan]

^I'm not sure if I'm living the dream Sure, the whirlwind was very exciting at the beginning and it was a good thing we'd had previous relationships before meeting each other. We knew from the beginning each of us was a good person and wouldn't hurt the other down the road and we were friends from the get-go.

Must say, after 18 years together and 16 years of those married with children, we're still nice to each other despite our ups and downs. Long marriages aren't easy in this day and age, it takes a lot of patience and understanding. Wouldn't that be interesting if there was a time frame for marriage itself!

[alliemia]

i think it's an age thing. i see a lot of really young people talking about promise rings, planning to get engaged, pre-engagement, etc. i really don't see people over say 25 talking like that.

for me, we dated a year, got engaged, then got married a year later. i really had no interest in prolonging the whole thing with planning. the year between engagement and marriage was plenty to plan our dream wedding. we live in the tri-state NY area, and weddings are huge here.

[yen800]

I got engage after a month, and we are planning to get married in 2 years or so, which in the mean time, we are both saving $ for the future. I would say 2 years of planning will definitely make a good memory on the big day.