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NIUiceprincess · Aug 6th, 2009, 12:51 PM

I think it's buying the ring, for most part. Because if you just say "Yeah we're engaged" people would ask, where's your ring, can I see?"...but also it has to do with finishing school, getting settled in a job, if the couple plans to move, and all that.

DH and I didn't get engaged until almost 3 years after I graduated, I dind't make a lot money starting out (but have gotten good raises since then) so it didn't seem good to rush into engagement and planning a wedding right away. Afterwards, we had a 2 year engagement where we spent time saving money for the wedding, a condo and furniture for our home. Some people gave me a hard time and been all judgmental about "what are you guys waiting for? WHy don't you just get married next year" and all that just because I had a ring. First of all we wanted to pay for the wedding in cash, instead of having to borrow some money and then *hoping* that we got enough money as wedding presents to "pay it all back". Um no, we dont expect cash for our wedding and whatever we got we are grateful, and went straight to the bank. I'm glad we did it that way because when I think back to our wedding I only remember happy memories instead of "cripes I still have to pay off that credit card we used for the flowers"! And after our honeymoon (also paid with cash), we got settled into our condo and feel more financially stable.

I think there's nothing wrong with "planning to get engaged"...at least you know you and your guy are planning to be in it for the long haul.

HauteMama · Aug 6th, 2009, 12:53 PM

I agree with the OP. I certainly don't think people need to rush to be engaged or married, but why even bother telling anyone you plan to plan to get married? It doesn't make sense to me. Tell people when you ARE engaged, not that you are planning on getting engaged! Presumably your family and friends know you are dating or are exclusive anyway. Great. Why does anyone need to know you are planning on getting engaged? The engagement gives people the time to plan the wedding, so no one really needs to know before that, IMO.

bagnshoofetish · Aug 6th, 2009, 12:56 PM

I've always wondered this myself. I wonder if people think that becoming "formally" engaged means theres no turning back? Because you can still change your mind and back out of an engagement. Sheesh you can even back out of a marriage so I don't get it either. Maybe if they are also planning an engagement party to go with it? In that case, they should say "we are planning our engagement party next year....?"

bagaholic85 · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:02 PM

IMO talking about it and agreeing that this is where you see your life going doesnt mean that your engaged without the ring, it just means that you are good at communication. to me engagement = plan out your wedding. my bf and i have been dating for 8 years, are moving in together within a month or so, and are *planning* on getting engaged not long after. by planning i mean that we both know that we are each others' one, but we're not ready to plan a wedding right now. announcing an engagement is a big deal (at least in our culture) thats followed up with "so whens the date, where are you having it, whos in the bridal party, etc"

ahertz · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:03 PM

My husband and I had a plan to get engaged. Not a certain month or even a year but while he was in grad school we decided we wanted to get married the year after he finished and so we "planned" to get engaged. It's not that we didn't want to commit, it's that we were in no hurry but were excited about spending our lives together.

MissLianne · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by NIUiceprincess

I think it's buying the ring, for most part. Because if you just say "Yeah we're engaged" people would ask, where's your ring, can I see?"...but also it has to do with finishing school, getting settled in a job, if the couple plans to move, and all that.

DH and I didn't get engaged until almost 3 years after I graduated, I dind't make a lot money starting out (but have gotten good raises since then) so it didn't seem good to rush into engagement and planning a wedding right away. Afterwards, we had a 2 year engagement where we spent time saving money for the wedding, a condo and furniture for our home. Some people gave me a hard time and been all judgmental about "what are you guys waiting for? WHy don't you just get married next year" and all that just because I had a ring. First of all we wanted to pay for the wedding in cash, instead of having to borrow some money and then *hoping* that we got enough money as wedding presents to "pay it all back". Um no, we dont expect cash for our wedding and whatever we got we are grateful, and went straight to the bank. I'm glad we did it that way because when I think back to our wedding I only remember happy memories instead of "cripes I still have to pay off that credit card we used for the flowers"! And after our honeymoon (also paid with cash), we got settled into our condo and feel more financially stable.

I think there's nothing wrong with "planning to get engaged"...at least you know you and your guy are planning to be in it for the long haul.

ITA!
Your situation is what I hope for

Good for you guys!

bagnshoofetish · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:31 PM

Originally Posted by bagaholic85

....by planning i mean that we both know that we are each others' one, but we're not ready to plan a wedding right now. announcing an engagement is a big deal (at least in our culture) thats followed up with "so whens the date, where are you having it, whos in the bridal party, etc"

oh. that makes more sense.

gina2328 · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:47 PM

I think it makes more sense to say "plan to get married someday" than "plan to get engaged". Something about the wording is off. I suppose you can say you "plan to get married someday" and not be ready to plan a wedding or have a ring yet.

Jeneen · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by bagaholic85

IMO talking about it and agreeing that this is where you see your life going doesnt mean that your engaged without the ring, it just means that you are good at communication. to me engagement = plan out your wedding. my bf and i have been dating for 8 years, are moving in together within a month or so, and are *planning* on getting engaged not long after. by planning i mean that we both know that we are each others' one, but we're not ready to plan a wedding right now. announcing an engagement is a big deal (at least in our culture) thats followed up with "so whens the date, where are you having it, whos in the bridal party, etc"

I agree - why not lay things on the table?

Jeneen · Aug 6th, 2009, 01:57 PM

Originally Posted by HauteMama

I agree with the OP. I certainly don't think people need to rush to be engaged or married, but why even bother telling anyone you plan to plan to get married? It doesn't make sense to me. Tell people when you ARE engaged, not that you are planning on getting engaged! Presumably your family and friends know you are dating or are exclusive anyway. Great. Why does anyone need to know you are planning on getting engaged? The engagement gives people the time to plan the wedding, so no one really needs to know before that, IMO.

I understand what you are saying,
but, I think people ask, and then you tell them to let them know you are serious about one another... I know I'm more committed to my boyfriend in an emotional sense than some people I know are committed to their fiancees or spouses.
Also, your close friends and parents ask because they want to see if you are "wasting time" with this person, or if you do in fact see a solid future together.

cupcake · Aug 6th, 2009, 02:24 PM

Actually, I don't think this is a new concept at all. I am divorced now, but when I got married ten years ago I had a promise ring before I got my engagement ring. And, I think that promise rings have been around for quite some time. I wore my ring on my left hand and it signified my promise to him that I would marry him someday.

nooch · Aug 6th, 2009, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by gina2328

Hmmm. Interesting, I have seen a few posts with that written. I don't see how anyone can be engaged without a ring, that makes it official. Also, anything can happen, even after the ring, engagements and weddings can be called off. Nothing is ever written in stone.

I completely disagree with this.

Anyway, OP, it never made sense to me either. But the people I know who have said it are saying it in a whole lot less mature and realistic way than the people in this thread. I've only previously heard it in a very childish trying-to-validate-the-relationship way.

drdreawisc · Aug 6th, 2009, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by HauteMama

I agree with the OP. I certainly don't think people need to rush to be engaged or married, but why even bother telling anyone you plan to plan to get married? It doesn't make sense to me. Tell people when you ARE engaged, not that you are planning on getting engaged! Presumably your family and friends know you are dating or are exclusive anyway. Great. Why does anyone need to know you are planning on getting engaged? The engagement gives people the time to plan the wedding, so no one really needs to know before that, IMO.

Good point! I have a "plan" to get engaged but no one knows about it except BF (and everyone on this forum

). So I understand planning to get engaged but I don't undestand sharing that timeline with others.

claireZk · Aug 6th, 2009, 03:56 PM

I don't think "planning to be engaged" means engaged to be engaged. I think that planning to be engaged is the same thing as planning on marrying someone. An engagement is just the planning phase before the wedding and it's the next official step between dating and marriage. I think people say they're planning the engagement, because they want to let people know that they know that's where the relationship is headed, but they're not ready to start wedding plans yet. If you're planning on getting engaged in a year and you want to be engaged for a year before the wedding, "planning to get engaged in a year," IMO basically means the same thing as planning to get married in 2 years. Kwim?

queenvictoria2 · Aug 6th, 2009, 07:20 PM

ya know what I have never understood also? Is when a couple plans to get engaged and even has the ring but the girl is "waiting for him to propose" .... I belong to a jewelry forum where posters will seriously stress out because they just do not know "when" ??? I don't get that? How big of a surprise can it be? You KNOW the ring is already bought and in some cases even picked it out yourself

Sorry, maybe a little off topic but I thought it kind of fit here and this just always baffled me.

Aug 6th, 2009, 12:51 PM	#16
NIUiceprincess Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 224	I think it's buying the ring, for most part. Because if you just say "Yeah we're engaged" people would ask, where's your ring, can I see?"...but also it has to do with finishing school, getting settled in a job, if the couple plans to move, and all that. DH and I didn't get engaged until almost 3 years after I graduated, I dind't make a lot money starting out (but have gotten good raises since then) so it didn't seem good to rush into engagement and planning a wedding right away. Afterwards, we had a 2 year engagement where we spent time saving money for the wedding, a condo and furniture for our home. Some people gave me a hard time and been all judgmental about "what are you guys waiting for? WHy don't you just get married next year" and all that just because I had a ring. First of all we wanted to pay for the wedding in cash, instead of having to borrow some money and then hoping that we got enough money as wedding presents to "pay it all back". Um no, we dont expect cash for our wedding and whatever we got we are grateful, and went straight to the bank. I'm glad we did it that way because when I think back to our wedding I only remember happy memories instead of "cripes I still have to pay off that credit card we used for the flowers"! And after our honeymoon (also paid with cash), we got settled into our condo and feel more financially stable. I think there's nothing wrong with "planning to get engaged"...at least you know you and your guy are planning to be in it for the long haul.
NIUiceprincess Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 224

Aug 6th, 2009, 12:53 PM	#17
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,839	I agree with the OP. I certainly don't think people need to rush to be engaged or married, but why even bother telling anyone you plan to plan to get married? It doesn't make sense to me. Tell people when you ARE engaged, not that you are planning on getting engaged! Presumably your family and friends know you are dating or are exclusive anyway. Great. Why does anyone need to know you are planning on getting engaged? The engagement gives people the time to plan the wedding, so no one really needs to know before that, IMO.
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,839

Aug 6th, 2009, 12:56 PM	#18
bagnshoofetish keep smiling.... Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 20,377	I've always wondered this myself. I wonder if people think that becoming "formally" engaged means theres no turning back? Because you can still change your mind and back out of an engagement. Sheesh you can even back out of a marriage so I don't get it either. Maybe if they are also planning an engagement party to go with it? In that case, they should say "we are planning our engagement party next year....?"
	__________________

Aug 6th, 2009, 01:03 PM	#20
ahertz Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 4,256	My husband and I had a plan to get engaged. Not a certain month or even a year but while he was in grad school we decided we wanted to get married the year after he finished and so we "planned" to get engaged. It's not that we didn't want to commit, it's that we were in no hurry but were excited about spending our lives together.
	__________________

Aug 6th, 2009, 01:47 PM	#23
gina2328 Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 625	I think it makes more sense to say "plan to get married someday" than "plan to get engaged". Something about the wording is off. I suppose you can say you "plan to get married someday" and not be ready to plan a wedding or have a ring yet.
	__________________ Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman -- Coco Chanel

Aug 6th, 2009, 01:02 PM	#19
bagaholic85 Member Joined: Sep 2007 Location: i <3 ny Posts: 5,087	IMO talking about it and agreeing that this is where you see your life going doesnt mean that your engaged without the ring, it just means that you are good at communication. to me engagement = plan out your wedding. my bf and i have been dating for 8 years, are moving in together within a month or so, and are planning on getting engaged not long after. by planning i mean that we both know that we are each others' one, but we're not ready to plan a wedding right now. announcing an engagement is a big deal (at least in our culture) thats followed up with "so whens the date, where are you having it, whos in the bridal party, etc"

Aug 6th, 2009, 02:24 PM	#26
cupcake ♥ is loving life ♥ Joined: May 2006 Posts: 3,365	Actually, I don't think this is a new concept at all. I am divorced now, but when I got married ten years ago I had a promise ring before I got my engagement ring. And, I think that promise rings have been around for quite some time. I wore my ring on my left hand and it signified my promise to him that I would marry him someday.
cupcake ♥ is loving life ♥ Joined: May 2006 Posts: 3,365

Aug 6th, 2009, 03:56 PM	#29
claireZk Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 11,699	I don't think "planning to be engaged" means engaged to be engaged. I think that planning to be engaged is the same thing as planning on marrying someone. An engagement is just the planning phase before the wedding and it's the next official step between dating and marriage. I think people say they're planning the engagement, because they want to let people know that they know that's where the relationship is headed, but they're not ready to start wedding plans yet. If you're planning on getting engaged in a year and you want to be engaged for a year before the wedding, "planning to get engaged in a year," IMO basically means the same thing as planning to get married in 2 years. Kwim?
claireZk Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 11,699	__________________ http://loveshimmer.blogspot.com/ When life gives you lemons, just say f@#$ the lemons and bail...

Aug 6th, 2009, 07:20 PM	#30
queenvictoria2 psalm 25:4 Joined: Sep 2006 Location: In a Shoe .... Posts: 4,299	ya know what I have never understood also? Is when a couple plans to get engaged and even has the ring but the girl is "waiting for him to propose" .... I belong to a jewelry forum where posters will seriously stress out because they just do not know "when" ??? I don't get that? How big of a surprise can it be? You KNOW the ring is already bought and in some cases even picked it out yourself Sorry, maybe a little off topic but I thought it kind of fit here and this just always baffled me.
	__________________ Wishlist: A Cure for Cancer

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