why are men such jerks?

[birkinbag]

Why are men such jerks? So I just started dating this guy, not for very long though, and he drops a bomb on me today. He told me he only wanted a casual relationship after we finally had sex for the first time. I never have sex with someone I don't love and I don't love him. I think he knew enough about me from all our talks that he would know that I don't want a casual relationship, but he always gave me mixed signals so how in the world was I supposed to tell. And then he goes and tells me all these signs like I should've known but no, I shouldn't have known. He held my hand on our second date and afterwards didn't anymore but it's not like we went out that many times after for me to figure out. And he also told me that he really likes me. And except for one time, he's always the one who initiates the date and wants to hang out. He's always pretty affectionate in bed and spends the night. He just went on a road trip with his guy friends and said I should've known from that when he didn't invite me and I"m like no, how would I know because it's way too early to be taking trips together. And he said if he wanted a serious relationship, he would've probably cancelled his plans and made time for me this weekend when I asked him to hang out. And I told him that we each have our own lives. I wouldn't cancel my plans to hang out with him. After dating my first boyfriend, I realize how important it is to have our own separate lives and maintain some sort of independence. Please someone tell me how I'm supposed to know from this? He actually likes me and wants to hang out and still date but he doesn't want to be exclusive and I just can't date someone who isn't going to be exclusive. It's just not me. I seriously don't know what to do. I told him that I don't want to see him again after tomorrow because it would hurt me too much to be still hanging out with him. Do you think I should just give this whole casual relationship thing a chance? I like hanging out with him but it would really bother me if he started dating someone else while with me. I mean the only reason he's doing it is because the last girl he dated, he was really into, but she only wanted a casual relationship and that's why it didn't work. He was always in a serious relationship before her and he said now, he just wants to date around and would only consider a serious relationship right away if he was blown away by the person after a few dates and he said he's experienced that twice but didn't feel that way about me. I've never been blown away by anyone after a few dates. It's always taken me time to get to know the person. The timing is just really off on this. I don't feel like it has to be like a serious relationship right away, i just want it to be monogamous but at the same time, I have a lot of fun with him so I think I will miss that. What do I do?

[ZippyWho]

Are you okay with him wanting sex to be in this "casual" relationship? He wants that friends with benefits type of relationship.

[birkinbag]

I'm so confused with the difference between a casual relationship and friends with benefits because it seems like we're more than just friends with benefits. I thought friends with benefits just have casual sex and it's all about just getting together to do that but we're not just that. We actually hang out together and get to know one another. He just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship right now because it isn't the right time. It's not like it won't develop further but it's just not the right time for him. He's older than me but it's like he's developed a lot later than I have, kind of like aging backwards if you know what I mean. I was afraid of that when we first started dating but would've never though he would want to have a casual relationship considering all of his other relationships that he told me about were serious.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by birkinbag

He told me he only wanted a casual relationship after we finally had sex for the first time. I never have sex with someone I don't love and I don't love him.

1. Then why did you have sex with him if you dont love him and you only have sex with guys you love?

2. Everything you wrote about this guy screams to me that he is drinking douchebagorade every morning. If you feel having fun with him will make up for knowing that any time he can be flirting/sleeping with another woman, go ahead. Otherwise cut him off asap.

[domlee]

1) Not all men are jerks.
2) Casual relationship/friends w/ benefits. Either way, he is getting what he wants. But is that what you want? Doesn't sound like it to me.

You want the truth? He initiates dates w/ you because he gets what he wants in the end. He held your hand once to get your affections, and then stopped because now you're lured in. He flat out told you that he only wanted a serious relationship w/ someone that blows him away, and apparently didn't feel that way about you. *Mental mindf*ck - he showed a bit of interest in you, and then told you that he isn't blown away by you. Now he has the power role, and you're jumping through hula hoops in an effort to have "master" look at you.

He is playing a game w/ you. He is playing hardball and you're not. So you've basically got one choice, and that is to cut him off. Period. You stand to lose him, but by doing so, you are not giving him what he wants and there is a chance that he'll be pursuing you.

The next time he calls, tell him you can't and that you've got a date and maybe some other time. If he wants to meet up, keep it as a coffee date (but don't go back to your place or his. No sex for him.).

If he stops calling, it is his loss. You deserve to be w/ someone who is on the same wavelength as you.

For the record, I'm not the type of person that plays these games. I understand it, but it isn't me and isn't for me.

[Kansashalo]

Originally Posted by birkinbag

I'm so confused with the difference between a casual relationship and friends with benefits because it seems like we're more than just friends with benefits. I thought friends with benefits just have casual sex and it's all about just getting together to do that but we're not just that. We actually hang out together and get to know one another. He just doesn't want to be in a committed relationship right now because it isn't the right time. It's not like it won't develop further but it's just not the right time for him. He's older than me but it's like he's developed a lot later than I have, kind of like aging backwards if you know what I mean. I was afraid of that when we first started dating but would've never though he would want to have a casual relationship considering all of his other relationships that he told me about were serious.

That sounds like friends with benefits to me - sorry. I don't think there is a difference between fwb and a casual relationship. You are friends, you hang out, you have sex.

Life is too short to not have what you want. If you are looking for something serious, and he isn't, there isn't anything you can do to change that. Don't settle for something casual if that isn't want you want.

Move on and let him find a different friend to have benefits with.

[BagLadie]

Not all men are jerks. But sometimes it takes us a long time to realize that - because there are so many that are.

I would run away from this guy. Sounds like he just wants sex. Get out before you fall in love with him.

[Coco Belle]

ita with nataliam

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

1. Then why did you have sex with him if you dont love him and you only have sex with guys you love? 2. Everything you wrote about this guy screams to me that he is drinking douchebagorade every morning. If you feel having fun with him will make up for knowing that any time he can be flirting/sleeping with another woman, go ahead. Otherwise cut him off asap.

He'll be a lot less fun to be around the more you realize how little you matter to him...

[misschbby]

he played you sorry but it is true you need to accept that and try and spot the signs next time . i am guessing ( and please feel free to correct me ) your were feeling vunerable and wanted to believe him take it as a lesson learned and please be more cautious next time . and yes he was a jerk not all men are . take care of yourself

[Charles]

I don't see the guy as a jerk, nor a player. He's simply a guy who doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He never said he did, so I'm not sure why you'd jump to conclusions.

Move on to a guy who does want to commit to you.

[bagaholic85]

i dont understand why you are forcing a relationship on him. if ur both having fun, get out of your head and just roll with it!

[birkinbag]

I'm not forcing a relationship with him. I had a feeling it would take a long time for him to commit and that he was holding something back. I love being independent and single. I just never wanted for it to not be monogamous because I'm not like that. I would never consider a serious relationship so early on. I didn't think we were ever gf/bf, I just wanted it to be exclusive because that's what I expect from everyone I date so it was shocking to me. He does actually like me and feels affection for me so it's not like it's just sex that he wants. And yeah, I did allow him to date/sleep with other people while I remain monogamous and as soon as I date someone else, I would end it with him because I just don't believe in dating multiple people, at least not for myself but I don't care if he does it as long as I don't know about it. I guess I remained in it because I just want to have fun while I'm here and get the benefit of hanging out with someone and the physical stuff. I'm getting so bored of this place and will move soon once I finish school and find a job.

[Nikkeipursefan]

1. I think plenty of women can be jerks, and that implying that half the world population is jerky is totally unfair.
2. I don't think that anyone should be called a jerk for wanting something different to you. You say you weren't in love and that you had sex with him anyway. In my view you're always responsible for your own actions ultimately no matter how seductive he was.
3. There are plenty more proverbial fish in the sea. If his attitude is a deal-breaker, make it one and move on. If you're willing to live with it in exchange for the fun you have with him, continue to spend time with him.

[DiorDeVille]

Most guys' main motivation for anything to do with girls is their desire for sex. Nothing wrong with that, but if you want a guy who ALSO wants a relationship and love along with the sex, you'll have to keep an eye out for that early on.

This guy doesn't want love and/or relationship and it sounds like he's been pretty honest about it with you. Take him at his word - guys are pretty up front about things. The tormented guy who takes months to find his true feelings about you is a product of the movies, not real life. If he's making you miserable, move on. There are 6 billion guys out there - you'll find another one.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by birkinbag

......he doesn't want to be exclusive and I just can't date someone who isn't going to be exclusive. ...... it would hurt me too much to be still hanging out with him.

Honestly, I would cut my losses here. If you stick around with this guy and expect him to change just for you, you two are going to just butt heads and end up splitting anyway. every time you are with him this will be hanging over your head and he will see it and tire of it. why be with someone who is just going to disappoint you over and over again? IMO, absence will make the heart grow fonder OR out of sight, out of mind. You will find out how much he really likes you (and he may discover how much he really likes you) if you just stick to your guns and step back from this relationship. He's either gonna miss you so much he will change his mind, or you will see how serious he is about wanting to be unattached by not calling you. In that case, you will have saved yourself a lot of heartache and have left the door open for someone who will want the same things you do.