why are men such jerks?

[Quarks]

Originally Posted by birkinbag

well, i've decided to be friends with benefits with him. i'm not sure i can do the benefits part but i guess i miss all the physical stuff so why not? i'm going to go in with no expectations though. i'm not sure that he is really the douchebag most people here thinks he is. i mean, i think he is a douchebag for leading me on and hurting me. but he told me we just met at the wrong time. he's still dealing with issues from the last girl he dated probably less than a month before we started dating and she hurt him really badly. she dated and slept around with other guys while she was with him and she didn't tell him until later. otherwise, he's never dated casually before and probably wouldn't if it wasn't for her. i just can't understand why he would want to hurt other girls like she hurt him. he does seem to actually like and care about me though. it's not like with the last guy i dated who was never there for me and would only want to come over to you know. this guy actually spent time getting to know me better and he always answers the phone when i call and if he doesn't, then he'll explain why. i know, i know, you're going to say that he's just treating me well because he wants something from me but i think he is really genuine about it. the last guy i dated was so nice and sweet but i always felt like he was using me. it's always the timing that is off. if he hadn't dated that girl, i think things would be different between us. maybe i'm just really dumb for doing all this.

birkinbag, do watch yourself as you pave your way on this thin slate of ice. But from what I gather, you do like this guy. Feelings WILL inevitably become stronger as both of you spend more time together, whether it is just 'friends' or 'lovers', 'friends of benefits', etc.
And when the time comes for both of you to seperate, it will get 'ugly' and 'complicated'. But then, why would it be 'ugly' and 'complicated' when both of you were not officially together in the 1st place? There is no line drawn. In time, when that happens, you will know that the rules of a committed relationship does not fit into yours. It will be hard to deal with.

I was in your shoes before. From your standpoint of view at this moment, it is difficult to forsee what might happen. 'Live the moment, and decide the future when it comes'. This will cause you greater distress in the future. Seriously consider what you are doing.
Be clear what you want in a relationship.
What you have now, will affect your future relationship, just like how his recent relationship is affecting him (and you) at this moment.

I wish you all the best is to prioritise what you want from a relationship. You seemed to be upset about what he wanted from your relationship with him and now you seem to accept his terms and conditions. Because at this moment, you fancy his presence, his attention, and the way he treats you (which is better than your past relationship) VS no having him around/ being lonely.
Be careful. This is the dangerous part. 'What's coming next' is hard to predict when you are smittened by the rush of being in a new relationship.

Life is tricky as such. When you are in a situation, it is always hard to step out of the box and see the big picture. Try and see the big picture.

What do YOU want from a relationship?
Using him as a bridge till you find someone else never works.
Feelings will get hurt, no matter what.
Better to break off early, than late.
My advice.
To you.

All the best!

[birkinbag]

You're right, I do still have feelings for him (just like, not love thank goodness) and I am still really hurt by what he did to me. It's just I'm so miserable now anyway. I have periods where I'm so happy and then I just come crashing down. Sometimes it's due to what happened with him and other times, it's due to how I'm just so miserable with where I'm at in my life and a culmination of things. I guess being with him helped me to escape that and maybe that's why I'm going back. Wrong reason I know but it's either try to have fun with it or be miserable. And part of me just wants to help and save him, like be there for him. Gosh, I've no clue what I'm doing.

[Charles]

Have you spoken with a therapist? It sounds like you could benefit from conversing with a professional.

[PrettyInPink]

He doesn't want to be exclusive, this doesn't make him a jerk. If you don't have sex with people you don't love, why would you have sex with him?

End all contact with him now before you really fall for him. I know he hurt you, but you need to step away from him and realize that he will never give you exactly what you want.

Forcing a relationship on this man is asking for trouble!