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nataliam1976 · Aug 4th, 2009, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

I've done all of that and never considered those signs as signs of being in a serious relationship.
Holding hands??
Initiating dates...well duh, I'm the guy.
Now, if this guy was saying "I really think you're the one for me" and "You're exactly what I'm looking for" that would be leading her on. Holding hands...not so much.

OP is still at school, the guy is older. Maybe I am projecting, but when I was her age and an older guy would have behaved like that, yes, I would have thought its more than just casual holding hands and dating and having sex. Thats why I think he was leading her on.

Honestly, you want to get laid without getting involved, get a one night stand. Dont go around making puppy eyes and buttering up for weeks.

Charles · Aug 4th, 2009, 10:55 PM

Ultimately, I think it's simply a difference in relationship expectations and definitions.

For most men, holding hands and calling for more dates does not mean we're committed to you. Just to clear that up.

Like I said, if you want to be committed prior to having sex, be sure he's on the same page first.

lolitakali · Aug 5th, 2009, 01:22 AM

Why waste more of your time with him?

#1) he is not worth the time
#2) you'll only ever be "booty call" when he does not have nobody
#3) time is precious, obviously more precious than him
#4) since time is precious especially for a woman...

You are better off pampering time on yourself, keep that valuable time till someone more worthy comes along to share that precious time with.

In summary, any good investor would know how to cut their losses and move on.

olialm1 · Aug 5th, 2009, 02:16 AM

This is kinda blunt but he sounds like a tool. While you might 'like' him right now, in the long run I think you will just end up getting very hurt by him because he wants a fling and it seems like you want something more. Not all guys are jerks, but there are a large number of losers out there and it seems like you found one. You say that you normally don't have sex with guys unless you're together/love them...... and IMO you shouldn't lower your standards or make exceptions.

juneping · Aug 5th, 2009, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by lolitakali

why waste more of your time with him?

#1) he is not worth the time
#2) you'll only ever be "booty call" when he does not have nobody
#3) time is precious, obviously more precious than him
#4) since time is precious especially for a woman...

You are better off pampering time on yourself, keep that valuable time till someone more worthy comes along to share that precious time with.

In summary, any good investor would know how to cut their losses and move on.

ita!!

Allisonfaye · Aug 5th, 2009, 08:47 AM

He's just not that into you. I would move on. I wouldn't expect anything to change. I am not sure how long you knew him before sleeping with him, but I might wait a bit longer if you can't just sleep with someone casually. I was the same way. If I really liked someone, I tended to wait longer because I didn't want to get hurt.

Allisonfaye · Aug 5th, 2009, 08:51 AM

I see now that you told him to get lost. I think you did the right thing. I am glad you feel better.

ehc2010 · Aug 5th, 2009, 10:20 AM

You're being completely reasonable in wanting an exclusive relationship. This guy was a total jerk in leading you on (and dont believe for a second he wasn't). It's still early on in your relationship to cut your losses IMO. Once you get in deeper with this player it may just get more and more painful. I know from personal experience!

amber11 · Aug 5th, 2009, 11:54 AM

good job breaking it off with the guy! im sorry you went through this he definitely sounded like a jerk who was leading you on.. better luck next time!

Allisonfaye · Aug 5th, 2009, 05:10 PM

The one thing I want to add is this: Just because a guy doesn't want a committed relationship with someone, doesn't make him a jerk. I agree that it was jerky for him to tell you that you didn't blow him out of the water. But I also think some women send mixed signals to a guy about what type of relationship they want. I don't know if the OP was clear with this guy about the type of relationship that she was looking for from the start. I am just saying sometimes women think they are going to change the guy and they are elusive about what THEY want and they pretend to be all nonchalant about it. I think a great example of this is sleeping with them very early on. That sends a signal that you are ok with casual relationships.

jackie100 · Aug 5th, 2009, 09:09 PM

I don't think the guy was a jerk at all for saying that you didn't blow his mind. He couldn't have been more honest. lol He is just saying the truth; if you don't blow his mind then you just don't. It can't get any more clearer than that.

INSOMNIAC 1 · Aug 5th, 2009, 10:08 PM

I do not think he is a jerk. He told you what his intentions are and he told you early enough so that you can make a solid decision as to which direction to take. The argument could be made as to why he did not tell you on the 1st or 2nd date. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with a FWB or CS get up as long all parties agree, are honest about it and it is mutually satisfying. It does not sound like the case with you and him.

I think that you are hurt and disappointed, and you have every right to be. It is wise to get out of this relationship ASAP and find one that will meet your needs. JMHO

sonya · Aug 6th, 2009, 08:11 AM

Don't see him anymore. He is playing with your head. When a guy says he only wants a casual relationship, he has closed off the possibility of it becoming anything serious. Of course there are exceptions, but don't bet on exceptions!

Let it go. There is also a possibility after you leave, he will reconsider what he said. But, again, for most guys, if they really want to be with a girl, they would act differently than how he acted towards you.

Good luck.

birkinbag · Aug 8th, 2009, 12:08 PM

well, i've decided to be friends with benefits with him. i'm not sure i can do the benefits part but i guess i miss all the physical stuff so why not? i'm going to go in with no expectations though. i'm not sure that he is really the douchebag most people here thinks he is. i mean, i think he is a douchebag for leading me on and hurting me. but he told me we just met at the wrong time. he's still dealing with issues from the last girl he dated probably less than a month before we started dating and she hurt him really badly. she dated and slept around with other guys while she was with him and she didn't tell him until later. otherwise, he's never dated casually before and probably wouldn't if it wasn't for her. i just can't understand why he would want to hurt other girls like she hurt him. he does seem to actually like and care about me though. it's not like with the last guy i dated who was never there for me and would only want to come over to you know. this guy actually spent time getting to know me better and he always answers the phone when i call and if he doesn't, then he'll explain why. i know, i know, you're going to say that he's just treating me well because he wants something from me but i think he is really genuine about it. the last guy i dated was so nice and sweet but i always felt like he was using me. it's always the timing that is off. if he hadn't dated that girl, i think things would be different between us. maybe i'm just really dumb for doing all this.

Allisonfaye · Aug 8th, 2009, 05:29 PM

I dont' think you are dumb but if you have feelings for the guy, you are setting yourself up to be hurt more. I dated a guy like this when I was young. Same story. Previous ex had cheated on him so he wasn't getting serious. I liked to believe it didn't hurt but I was madly in love with him and he ripped out my heart.

Aug 4th, 2009, 10:55 PM	#32
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,194	Ultimately, I think it's simply a difference in relationship expectations and definitions. For most men, holding hands and calling for more dates does not mean we're committed to you. Just to clear that up. Like I said, if you want to be committed prior to having sex, be sure he's on the same page first.
	__________________

Aug 5th, 2009, 01:22 AM	#33
lolitakali Mira Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Maryland Posts: 2,492	Why waste more of your time with him? #1) he is not worth the time #2) you'll only ever be "booty call" when he does not have nobody #3) time is precious, obviously more precious than him #4) since time is precious especially for a woman... You are better off pampering time on yourself, keep that valuable time till someone more worthy comes along to share that precious time with. In summary, any good investor would know how to cut their losses and move on.
	__________________ *Best way to diet is to eat what you hate, not eat what you love.* *$$$$$ / GOLD = "my precious".* -ME to be a dragon hoarding gold-

Aug 5th, 2009, 02:16 AM	#34
olialm1 windy city Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,553	This is kinda blunt but he sounds like a tool. While you might 'like' him right now, in the long run I think you will just end up getting very hurt by him because he wants a fling and it seems like you want something more. Not all guys are jerks, but there are a large number of losers out there and it seems like you found one. You say that you normally don't have sex with guys unless you're together/love them...... and IMO you shouldn't lower your standards or make exceptions.
	__________________ make a difference! free rice

Aug 5th, 2009, 08:47 AM	#36
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	He's just not that into you. I would move on. I wouldn't expect anything to change. I am not sure how long you knew him before sleeping with him, but I might wait a bit longer if you can't just sleep with someone casually. I was the same way. If I really liked someone, I tended to wait longer because I didn't want to get hurt.
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	__________________ If you can afford it, for God's sake, BUY SOMETHING!

Aug 5th, 2009, 08:51 AM	#37
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	I see now that you told him to get lost. I think you did the right thing. I am glad you feel better.
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	__________________ If you can afford it, for God's sake, BUY SOMETHING!

Aug 5th, 2009, 10:20 AM	#38
ehc2010 Member Joined: Sep 2008 Location: Cleveland, OH Posts: 1,360	You're being completely reasonable in wanting an exclusive relationship. This guy was a total jerk in leading you on (and dont believe for a second he wasn't). It's still early on in your relationship to cut your losses IMO. Once you get in deeper with this player it may just get more and more painful. I know from personal experience!
	__________________ Spring 2010: Balenciaga Rose Gold Giant Hardware City in Olive

Aug 5th, 2009, 11:54 AM	#39
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 711	good job breaking it off with the guy! im sorry you went through this he definitely sounded like a jerk who was leading you on.. better luck next time!
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 711

Aug 5th, 2009, 05:10 PM	#40
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	The one thing I want to add is this: Just because a guy doesn't want a committed relationship with someone, doesn't make him a jerk. I agree that it was jerky for him to tell you that you didn't blow him out of the water. But I also think some women send mixed signals to a guy about what type of relationship they want. I don't know if the OP was clear with this guy about the type of relationship that she was looking for from the start. I am just saying sometimes women think they are going to change the guy and they are elusive about what THEY want and they pretend to be all nonchalant about it. I think a great example of this is sleeping with them very early on. That sends a signal that you are ok with casual relationships.
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	__________________ If you can afford it, for God's sake, BUY SOMETHING!

Aug 5th, 2009, 09:09 PM	#41
jackie100 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 754	I don't think the guy was a jerk at all for saying that you didn't blow his mind. He couldn't have been more honest. lol He is just saying the truth; if you don't blow his mind then you just don't. It can't get any more clearer than that.
jackie100 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 754

Aug 5th, 2009, 10:08 PM	#42
INSOMNIAC 1 Riding life's waves. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: New Yorker Posts: 110	I do not think he is a jerk. He told you what his intentions are and he told you early enough so that you can make a solid decision as to which direction to take. The argument could be made as to why he did not tell you on the 1st or 2nd date. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with a FWB or CS get up as long all parties agree, are honest about it and it is mutually satisfying. It does not sound like the case with you and him. I think that you are hurt and disappointed, and you have every right to be. It is wise to get out of this relationship ASAP and find one that will meet your needs. JMHO

Aug 6th, 2009, 08:11 AM	#43
sonya Member Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,105	Don't see him anymore. He is playing with your head. When a guy says he only wants a casual relationship, he has closed off the possibility of it becoming anything serious. Of course there are exceptions, but don't bet on exceptions! Let it go. There is also a possibility after you leave, he will reconsider what he said. But, again, for most guys, if they really want to be with a girl, they would act differently than how he acted towards you. Good luck.
sonya Member Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 5,105

Aug 8th, 2009, 12:08 PM	#44
birkinbag OP Member Joined: Feb 2009 Posts: 191	well, i've decided to be friends with benefits with him. i'm not sure i can do the benefits part but i guess i miss all the physical stuff so why not? i'm going to go in with no expectations though. i'm not sure that he is really the douchebag most people here thinks he is. i mean, i think he is a douchebag for leading me on and hurting me. but he told me we just met at the wrong time. he's still dealing with issues from the last girl he dated probably less than a month before we started dating and she hurt him really badly. she dated and slept around with other guys while she was with him and she didn't tell him until later. otherwise, he's never dated casually before and probably wouldn't if it wasn't for her. i just can't understand why he would want to hurt other girls like she hurt him. he does seem to actually like and care about me though. it's not like with the last guy i dated who was never there for me and would only want to come over to you know. this guy actually spent time getting to know me better and he always answers the phone when i call and if he doesn't, then he'll explain why. i know, i know, you're going to say that he's just treating me well because he wants something from me but i think he is really genuine about it. the last guy i dated was so nice and sweet but i always felt like he was using me. it's always the timing that is off. if he hadn't dated that girl, i think things would be different between us. maybe i'm just really dumb for doing all this.
birkinbag OP Member Joined: Feb 2009 Posts: 191

Aug 8th, 2009, 05:29 PM	#45
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	I dont' think you are dumb but if you have feelings for the guy, you are setting yourself up to be hurt more. I dated a guy like this when I was young. Same story. Previous ex had cheated on him so he wasn't getting serious. I liked to believe it didn't hurt but I was madly in love with him and he ripped out my heart.
Allisonfaye Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 5,629	__________________ If you can afford it, for God's sake, BUY SOMETHING!

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