When to discuss finances in a relationship?

[cupcake]

At what point in a relationship should a couple have *the talk* about finances? Should it happen in the early/beginning stages of the relationship or should the big talk happen when a couple decides they want to get married?

My boyfriend and I have been dating a year. We've never had a conversation specifically about money and neither of us know each others' salary, how much money we have saved or how much debt each other has. We have a very general knowledge of each others financial situation. But, we also haven't made any joint purchases and we don't live together so there's really been no need to have an in-depth conversation about it. And, by now, we both know and have become accustomed to each others' spending habits and styles.

What are your thoughts? I know that communication about money is key in a relationship, as it can cause huge problems. I am not asking the question because I want or need to have the conversation with him right now, I am just curious to find out when/how the topic normally comes up in relationships.

[sarasmith3269]

sounds about the same as us one year in. Once we moved in, we put what we each made out on the table, and what our monthly bills were so that we can budget. I still have no idea his total debt or how much he actually has in the bank.

I try to esti/guesstimate by asking questions to help myself like,

"i think i need to do a better job at saving money, how much money do you think would be a good amount to keep in the bank at all times?"
or
"I just got a bonus, what do you think i should do with it? splurge, pay off debt, put it in the bank?"

I think that you can find out alot by the answers, it might exactly spell out what he has, but it gives you an opprotunity to kinda feel out his views on finances without really getting TOO personal.

[Aslan]

I don't know, that's a good question. It makes sense to me that the conversation should happen before you guys move in together and/or get married. However, if you are going to be dating for an extended period of time, and certain financial matters are a dealbreaker for you, you may want to know before you invest years into a relationship.

I'm nosy and don't like surprises, so I've always subtly (or not so subtly) sized up my SO's financial situation.

I discussed finances with my DH after we had been dating for six months (known each other for 7 months), just after he proposed.

[Elizabethd1012]

I would say it really depends on your relationship with him. When I was bf/gf with my husband after 6 months we were so close that we both knew our financial situation and so forth. I def think this should be discussed before marriage though! You don't want any crazy surprises.

[Sternchen]

It really depends on the relationship. IMO: if you're not making any major purchases together and you aren't living together - then there is no true reason to discuss the details like debt. If you are considering moving in together or buying a home then there is a need to at least discuss things like who pays what.

[ahertz]

You can't become engaged to someone without having this conversation first. Once you marry someone, all of their financial mistakes become your burden. I think a good time for this talk is the point where you move in together OR the point where marriage begins to be a serious discussion.

My DH and I first had a financial discussion when we moved in together. We were still quite young at the time (24), so we had a very peripheral discussion and had separate finances for the first two years. Following our engagement but before our wedding we moved to another city for his job. At that point we sat down and had a very serious conversation about money and opened a joint account to which we both contribute.

Finances are THE number one problem in relationships, so knowing the full picture before you commit yourself too far is critical.

[NLVOEWITHLV]

I've been married nearly 5 years and I still don't know exactly how much money my DH makes, nor him me... he never asks questions about my checks, they go to my savings account and some to our joint savings account. I know my DH and I have no major debt (we have our mortgage, we each have a financed car, also small credit card debt), I know how much his salary is, but he never shares how much is bonuses and such are. I don't mind it, my mother (who has been married nearly 46 years) says that a man and woman who are married or moving towards marriage should have joint accounts ie checking and savings, but you should always have a little nest egg that's just yours...

[amymaria]

It's tough to give any real answer because it will depend on your dynamic of relationship. If you aren't moving in together and are comfortable where you are then there is probably no need to bring it up just yet. I don't know how much $ my bf makes but he does know how much I make. Because he's older than I am I had some questions regarding promotion etc., so I told him how much - it made it easier and plus, I am not ashamed of it...what does it matter?

If our relationship heads into the direction of moving in or sharing finances at some point, of course that would need to be discussed. Right now we are entirely separate people.

[plain jane doe]

Huh, I guess I am in the minority here. I never considered finances something particularly "personal," with friends and family yes but not with SO. We didn't necessarily have discussions centered around finance but things came up, e.g., amount in savings in relation to plans and goals, salaries as part of considering job offers, loans as part of buying a car, asking advice on investments. This was before we moved in together.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

Huh, I guess I am in the minority here. I never considered finances something particularly "personal," with friends and family yes but not with SO. We didn't necessarily have discussions centered around finance but things came up, e.g., amount in savings in relation to plans and goals, salaries as part of considering job offers, loans as part of buying a car, asking advice on investments. This was before we moved in together.

Same here, we never had a discussion per se, it just came up in different contexts and we know almost everything about each others finances, apart from our personal accounts, and even there we will occasionally tell each other if we are overdrawn or have saved up or what we use it for, just not how much we spend on each other.

[NLVOEWITHLV]

This might sound funny, but when DH and I closed on our house he went to the bank and got a certified check for our 3.5% and I didn't even know he had that much money in another account. No money was missing from our joint savings or checking, and the only thing I paid for from my personal checking account was our $500 good faith payment (I had checks with me at the time and he didnt). I asked him how much was in his account he drew the funds from he raised his eyebrows like this -----> and told me not to worry about it...

[cupcake]

We do tell each other about financial things as they come up and we have both thrown some questions and statements out there about finances to see what the other says. I know that he receives child support from his exwife and that he has a mortgage and home equity loan (that, unfortunately, are more than the house is worth) and based on things he has said, I am certain he doesn't have any substantial credit card debt. He has two vehicles, both of which are paid for. As for me, he knows that I have no credit card debt, a newer vehicle that I paid cash for a few months ago, and that I rent an apartment. Also, I came into some cash last month that I told him I was putting into a separate "nest egg" account just for us. I didn't tell him how much cash it was and he didn't ask, either.

At this point in the relationship, I don't see why we need to know anything else. Or, should we know everything? Even though we have discussed marriage, I wouldn't say it's a done deal at this point. And, we will never live together before we get married (because of his younger kids) so I don't see any major joint purchases either.

[plain jane doe]

Originally Posted by cupcake

At this point in the relationship, I don't see why we need to know anything else. Or, should we know everything? Even though we have discussed marriage, I wouldn't say it's a done deal at this point. And, we will never live together before we get married (because of his younger kids) so I don't see any major joint purchases either.

I don't think you "need" to, and if you have no concerns then I think you have no problems. For me, there are no plans for joint purchases or ball and chain, but it's just more comfortable being open. I like being able to get SO's advice and opinion if I am making financial decisions or have financial concerns and I think vice versa.

[cupcake]

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

I don't think you "need" to, and if you have no concerns then I think you have no problems. For me, there are no plans for joint purchases or ball and chain, but it's just more comfortable being open. I like being able to get SO's advice and opinion if I am making financial decisions or have financial concerns and I think vice versa.

Personally, I don't have any concerns about his finances and I am happy with what he has told me thus far. There is something that I need to disclose to him but until we have more serious discussions about marriage, I don't feel overly obligated to bring it up now. We are at a point, though, where I ask his advice with some financial decisions. Just last week the transmission went out in my car, which ended up costing over $3k to repair. I could have had it rebuilt for half that but without the warranty that comes with the new transmission. I asked for his advice on that, as to whether he thought it would be better to fork out the cash for new or risk mine being rebuilt and he was very helpful. He brought up some things I hadn't considered and he helped with making the decision.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by cupcake

Personally, I don't have any concerns about his finances and I am happy with what he has told me thus far.

If you feel that way now, that's an indication that you don't need to discuss things further at this point. Since you are already thinking about this issue, when your relationship progresses, you'll know when the time is right for a deeper discussion.