What would you want to know about men?

[cutiepie21]

Originally Posted by Charles

So basically, money isn't a big deal, as long as he has an "acceptable" career? I mean, you'd be OK with a school teacher...yes? I'll assume that's a yes. So, you say you only meet loser guys. OK, where are you going to meet these guys? Are you physically attracted to them? Do they approach you or vice versa? Do you find out these guys are losers right off the bat or does it take a few dates?

I've met these guys in college and graduate school. I am typically not physically attracted to them to begin with, but overtime, gradually begin to. They have typically approached me. I don't find out they are losers immediately, but start to get the feeling after 5-6 months.

[LinaFelina]

Originally Posted by HappyGrl2008

Well, thank you both LinaFelina and Charles for your explanation. :) So it's not a bad sign when guys don't show interest in me as a person then? And when I would be talking sports with a guy it means that we're actually bonding? It's just that I feel so messed up when it comes to this. I feel like there're two types of men that I meet: the over-confident "i just wanna sleep with you" type and the one that is not interested (even when I have a nice conversation with him)... I don't know what to do...I'm confused...it always seems so easy for others "boy meets girl" and boom a relationship is born. I think I'm doing something wrong. Maybe they think I'm not interested...but that can't be possible...I always smile, sometimes suggest to meet up again, etc...but I always get rejected. Maybe it's my radiant personality and beauty that throws them off (JUST KIDDING!!!!) At the end of the day it does make me sad though.

It is a bad sign, but not because of you, just the wrong guy for you. Hmm, not necessarily sports, but something that he's interested in. He ought to pay attention to something that you're interested in also. I bond with women much differently than I bond wih guys, for me, there's no magic bonding formula. I find people really interestng for different reasons.

Do you meet those two types of guys at the same places? Maybe a change of venue? There's not much to do about the "i just wanna sleep with you" type, but how do you know the "not interested" ones aren't interested? Some of us get a little shy around beautiful girls with radiant personalities...you might actually be on to something!

[stylelaw]

Great Thread! I have a question! My ex (of 3 months) told me he had started dating other people and he needs time and space and cant predict what would happen with us in the future. But just doesnt want to think about the relationship right now because the breakup has caused both of us too much pain. And the only way it would work would be if we took break and tried to get ourselves back to normal first. How is he dating other people then?!?! I should also add that during the 3 months we had been talking still. Now I am giving him is space and not contacting him. I told him he could contact me if he wanted to try things again.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by HappyGrl2008

Well, thank you both LinaFelina and Charles for your explanation. :) So it's not a bad sign when guys don't show interest in me as a person then? And when I would be talking sports with a guy it means that we're actually bonding?

I think you might be looking at it differently. Guys show interest differently from girls sometimes. If a guy's talking to you and sharing his thoughts on his interests, then more than likely he's attracted to you on some level. Just like you share personal tidbits with him if you are attracted. Both of you are attracted to each other, you're just sharing different parts of yourself with each other. It's a give an take...ya know? Have you thought about shifting the convo where you want it to go? Maybe instead of waiting for him to share certain things, you could lead him down the path?

Now, down the road, if he can't get comfortable to share his inner feelings and give you what you need, then that's an issue, but I think in the beginning it's not a huge deal.

Originally Posted by stylelaw

Great Thread! I have a question! My ex (of 3 months) told me he had started dating other people and he needs time and space and cant predict what would happen with us in the future. But just doesnt want to think about the relationship right now because the breakup has caused both of us too much pain. And the only way it would work would be if we took break and tried to get ourselves back to normal first. How is he dating other people then?!?! I should also add that during the 3 months we had been talking still. Now I am giving him is space and not contacting him. I told him he could contact me if he wanted to try things again.

He can date other girls cause they're not you. It sounds like you guys have gone through some issues and are taking some time apart. When you take time apart, it's to evaluate things and determine if you really want to be with that specific person. Often, dating other girls can help you figure that out. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I'd give him his space and you go out and live your life. Hang with friends, meet people, have fun, etc, etc. When he looks at you, you want him to see a happy, fun loving girl, not some depressed stick in the mud.

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

I've met these guys in college and graduate school. I am typically not physically attracted to them to begin with, but overtime, gradually begin to. They have typically approached me. I don't find out they are losers immediately, but start to get the feeling after 5-6 months.

Maybe instead of meeting them while they're in school, you need to attend the Alumni meetings.
Still though, it takes you 5-6 months to realize they're losers? What takes you so long? Typically losers are pretty apparent. Maybe you're missing the warning signs and you need to be more attune to them. What are they're goals? How do they plan to achieve those goals? How do they do in class? Do they score well on the tests? Are they talking a full load or just a class or two? I think if you pay attention to the small details, then take a step back and put them all together, you'd be able to see a pretty clear picture of a guy's persona.

[cutiepie21]

Originally Posted by Charles

Maybe instead of meeting them while they're in school, you need to attend the Alumni meetings. Still though, it takes you 5-6 months to realize they're losers? What takes you so long? Typically losers are pretty apparent. Maybe you're missing the warning signs and you need to be more attune to them. What are they're goals? How do they plan to achieve those goals? How do they do in class? Do they score well on the tests? Are they talking a full load or just a class or two? I think if you pay attention to the small details, then take a step back and put them all together, you'd be able to see a pretty clear picture of a guy's persona.

Let me give you an example of one guy I met. He had already graduated from college, was working in the field he wanted to get into, albeit an entry level position with no advancement (but everyone has to start somewhere, right?) When I met him, he was talking about graduate school and had already signed up to take the GRE. I really thought that this guy was motivated, knew what he wanted, and was excited about it. 4 months later, he takes his exam, and scored so low that no graduate program would accept him. Turns out, he never studied for the exam, so of course he did poorly! He got discouraged by that and decided to go a different route. Again, did not put in the time to study for the entrance exam and did poorly. At the time he was studying for his 2nd exam, he told me that his college GPA is just below 3.0, and he knew that the only way to get into the programs is with stellar exam scores. So I know he's not living in a dream world where everything's peaches and cream. And now he's decided to give up altogether.

I, on the other hand, have a masters degree and would like to get my doctorate. I work full time and also do work on the side to make me competitive for doctoral programs, which adds up to about 55-60 hrs of work a week. It is tough, but I know it's transitory, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. When I suggest to him that he could study before/after work or on weekends, his response is, "So you expect me to work 60 hrs a week?" I also want to add that he complains a lot about me working too much. When I asked him about his ideal job, I get the sense that he wants a job that pays well, doesn't require him to learn any new skills, and only requires a 40 hour work week.

Please tell me what the warning signs are for losers. lol Maybe I should stop meeting boys who are in transition phases and only date the ones who have already entered their careers....?? I'm just sad about this guy because he is a really great guy in every other aspect, but his lack of motivation and ambition turns me off.

[mellecyn]

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

Let me give you an example of one guy I met. He had already graduated from college, was working in the field he wanted to get into, albeit an entry level position with no advancement (but everyone has to start somewhere, right?) When I met him, he was talking about graduate school and had already signed up to take the GRE. I really thought that this guy was motivated, knew what he wanted, and was excited about it. 4 months later, he takes his exam, and scored so low that no graduate program would accept him. Turns out, he never studied for the exam, so of course he did poorly! He got discouraged by that and decided to go a different route. Again, did not put in the time to study for the entrance exam and did poorly. At the time he was studying for his 2nd exam, he told me that his college GPA is just below 3.0, and he knew that the only way to get into the programs is with stellar exam scores. So I know he's not living in a dream world where everything's peaches and cream. And now he's decided to give up altogether. I, on the other hand, have a masters degree and would like to get my doctorate. I work full time and also do work on the side to make me competitive for doctoral programs, which adds up to about 55-60 hrs of work a week. It is tough, but I know it's transitory, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. When I suggest to him that he could study before/after work or on weekends, his response is, "So you expect me to work 60 hrs a week?" I also want to add that he complains a lot about me working too much. When I asked him about his ideal job, I get the sense that he wants a job that pays well, doesn't require him to learn any new skills, and only requires a 40 hour work week. Please tell me what the warning signs are for losers. lol Maybe I should stop meeting boys who are in transition phases and only date the ones who have already entered their careers....?? I'm just sad about this guy because he is a really great guy in every other aspect, but his lack of motivation and ambition turns me off.

Isn´t it what a lot of people want ??? sounds like you´re treating the average guy of loser.
But if you want to date someone with very high ambitions,then look for him, normally by the end of college you´d be able to tell with how much motivation they´re putting towards their studies, they´re more thinking career...Also I know a lot of guys who weren´t that academic, not into school, but excelled at their jobs and worked hard later.

[cutiepie21]

Originally Posted by mellecyn

Isn´t it what a lot of people want ??? sounds like you´re treating the average guy of loser. But if you want to date someone with very high ambitions,then look for him, normally by the end of college you´d be able to tell with how much motivation they´re putting towards their studies, they´re more thinking career...Also I know a lot of guys who weren´t that academic, not into school, but excelled at their jobs and worked hard later.

It might be what everyone wants, but it's unrealistic. There are very few jobs that don't require additional learning after college. Neither of my parents have graduate degrees, but they are licensed professionals. It required learning, studying, and hard work after school was completed. Many professional jobs require continuing education units in order to keep licensure. I also don't know anybody who works only 40 hrs a week. My mother's been working her field for over 30 years and still puts in an average of 50 hrs/ week. It's not ideal, but if you have to go to work early or stay late, then that's what you have to do. But 40 hrs max. a week shouldn't be a prerequisite before entering into any career.

ETA: if he is what the average man is, then I don't want an average man....

[stylelaw]

He can date other girls cause they're not you. It sounds like you guys have gone through some issues and are taking some time apart. When you take time apart, it's to evaluate things and determine if you really want to be with that specific person. Often, dating other girls can help you figure that out. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I'd give him his space and you go out and live your life. Hang with friends, meet people, have fun, etc, etc. When he looks at you, you want him to see a happy, fun loving girl, not some depressed stick in the mud.



Do they ever come back? I had read somewhere that if you stop contact and they decide to come back it would be by the two month mark.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by stylelaw

Do they ever come back? I had read somewhere that if you stop contact and they decide to come back it would be by the two month mark.

I can't predict that, sorry. It really depends on what he decides.

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

ETA: if he is what the average man is, then I don't want an average man....

This comment says a lot and is probably why you're having problems finding men. Not that you should change what you want, but if you don't want an "average" guy, then it's going to take a while to find the cream of the crop.

Still, I think you might be complicating things here. You're putting a lot of emphasis on employment. Why do you want a guy who's main goal is to get ahead in the workforce? You realize that most men like that will be working most of the time, right? I think there are a lot of "average" guys when it comes to career choices, who are amazing romantic partners. Being in love with someone isn't about how dedicated to their career advancement they are. It's about how dedicated to you they are.

[SevenFive]

Originally Posted by Charles

Well, he told you what he wanted, and it seems as though he's doing what he told you. I'd give him some space and maybe in a week or so, shoot him a text asking him if he's doing ok. "Just checking in on you. Hope things are well with you". Just one text, and keep it short and concerned about his well being...nothing to do with hanging out or emotions or anything like that. Play it from there.

Thanks C!
<3

[Zophie]

as far as the men who play women, why do they do it? I'm not talking just sleeping with a bunch of girls and admitting you're a "player," but trying to convince one that she's the only one and not letting her go and going to great lengths to play the game.

[HappyGrl2008]

Zophie, some men are just weird sickos who want everything they can have, big cars and houses and all the beautiful ladies...never enough for them, constantly boosting their egos. They'll leave their pregnant wife if that's what it takes and then cheat on the woman they left their wife for...

Many hugs!!

[Zophie]

Originally Posted by HappyGrl2008

Zophie, some men are just weird sickos who want everything they can have, big cars and houses and all the beautiful ladies...never enough for them, constantly boosting their egos. They'll leave their pregnant wife if that's what it takes and then cheat on the woman they left their wife for... Many hugs!!

yeah, exactly! My friend looked at a picture of him and said, "What the hell is wrong with him? He SCORED when he got you! Why is he even trying to find someone else? He should consider himself lucky." Freakin' male ego, I don't get it.

[macska]

Originally Posted by Zophie

yeah, exactly! My friend looked at a picture of him and said, "What the hell is wrong with him? He SCORED when he got you! Why is he even trying to find someone else? He should consider himself lucky." Freakin' male ego, I don't get it.

Neither do I ... I once was "persued" by a guy for whom everything was a game - one he usually "won" (by his own admission), so he was rather upset that I said "No" to him, which only made him chase me more ... I was intriguing to him because I didn't "cave" like all the others. All the other girls didn't get it that he'd lose interest the minute they showed interest in him ... some guys are BF material, others are just "fun" (if you catch my drift )

[cutiepie21]

Originally Posted by Charles

This comment says a lot and is probably why you're having problems finding men. Not that you should change what you want, but if you don't want an "average" guy, then it's going to take a while to find the cream of the crop. Still, I think you might be complicating things here. You're putting a lot of emphasis on employment. Why do you want a guy who's main goal is to get ahead in the workforce? You realize that most men like that will be working most of the time, right? I think there are a lot of "average" guys when it comes to career choices, who are amazing romantic partners. Being in love with someone isn't about how dedicated to their career advancement they are. It's about how dedicated to you they are.

It's not necessarily employment as it is laziness that bothers me. Employment keeps popping up because we are both in our mid-twenties and employment is the central concentration during this phase of life because we are young adults entering the work force. He hates his job, yet is unwilling to change. He would rather play video games than figure out what he wants to do with his life. That screams lack of ambition. I consider myself to be ambitious, and appreciate that character trait in my partner.