What should I do? Help..

JaneGucci · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:36 PM

I been member since April 2007 but I don't really post. I just read and lurk around this forum.

I need your advise I been feeling depress and sad lately.

Three months ago, my husband of 5 years (been together total of 7 years) confessed that he had oral sex with a woman that he just met. He made his confession after two weeks of the incident. Before confessing, he was really depress and I didn’t know why until he made his confessions.

This is what happen he said that he met the woman and she had car problem so he tried to help her. Her car wouldn’t start. When her car wouldn’t start and he’s finally leaving, the woman stopped him and asks to give her a ride at her place. My husband said that he was being nice so he gave her a ride. The woman took his cell phone and put her number there. He said he erased the number afterwards. When my husband was about to drop of the woman the woman then ask if he wants to come in. He said no and told her he has to go back to work. Then, the woman started to fondle him and eventually open his zipper. He said that at the time he froze and just let it happen. He sad that after about a minute or more, he told her to stop. In short, he was trying to tell me that the BJ was not that long and he didn’t come. He told her that he was married and this is not the right thing to do. The woman just told him “whatever!” and got out of the car.

He said that he could have hid this because it’s just a one time thing but he said that he wants to come clean. He said that he stop what was happening as soon as he realized it. He said that the woman was very attractive but it was a wrong thing to do. He said that he is more attracted to me more than anything. He also realized that he loves me and how regretful he was that he let that happen. Of course, I did not believe him told him that I’m divorcing him.

I was going to leave him. He cried and begged for me. He said that he ruined the one thing that was important in his life. I guess I was a sucker; I gave him a chance and decided to just take him back because he didn’t hide this from me and he was man enough to admit it. I told him that I’m still scared and I don’t trust him. I ask if he had an affair, he said he did not and that was the first time he ever met that woman. I ask him to have an STD testing, he did and it came out negative.

Sorry, if this post is long. I just want your opinion. Did I make the right decision taking him back? I still feel depress and sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. He is always there for me to cheer me up. He’s always been a great husband. He is never a womanizer type and he does not even know if the woman is attractive to him. We both make the same amount of money. We have a nice 4 bedroom house. After that incident, he realized that life is short and he wanted to start a family. We were delaying on having a baby and he did not want to have a baby up until now.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving him but I already told him I’m going to stay. I love him but I’m scared to get hurt again. There are times that I’m so happy with him and I’m ready to have a family. But there are also times like right now when I’m fearful because I’m not sure if things are going work out between us. It’s been 3 months now. Things are great but I still feel depress. He really feels awful and regretful of what happened. He worries a lot and fearful that I’m going to leave him. He said that if he could take back the time, he would. I’m happy, sad, and cold to him sometimes. I’m even mean to him sometimes but he takes it. I always see the sad look in his eyes. I’m thinking of going to psychiatrist for my depression. Any advise??

devoted · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:43 PM

He wants to start a family now because he thinks it will salvage your marriage....don't become pregnant anytime soon, please.
I won't tell you to leave him or to just forgive and forget...just know it will take time to forgive your husband. It's only been 3 months and you have every right to still be angry, maybe after a year or two you'll start trusting him again. When you do, then you can start a family. Don't do it now because you'll regret it.

JAN! · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:49 PM

I don't think you should lose sleep over that one incident anymore. I think he did everything he possibly could in that situation. He was honest and he told you the truth. He expresses guilt and he apologized. From what I have read, he sounds pretty sincere about it too. I don't think you should overreact and dwell on this one particular situation anymore. You are just burdening yourself and not doing yourself any favours. It's better to forgive and let go of it. If he messes up again, then you can re-think your relationship with him. But right now, it really isn't that bad in my opinion. I think you did the right thing by giving him a second chance. The only way you can gain trust back is through communication. Keep the flow of communication going with your husband and in time you will truly forgive him and both of you will be happier again.

JaneGucci · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by devoted

He wants to start a family now because he thinks it will salvage your marriage....don't become pregnant anytime soon, please.
I won't tell you to leave him or to just forgive and forget...just know it will take time to forgive your husband. It's only been 3 months and you have every right to still be angry, maybe after a year or two you'll start trusting him again. When you do, then you can start a family. Don't do it now because you'll regret it.

Thanks for your advise devoted! I know that some women would have left their husband right then and there. But I feel that since he confessed, I ought to give him a chance. It's hard sometimes I feel like just running away and leaving him.

razorbackbelle0 · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:51 PM

^^ITA about the starting a family to save your marriage. That sounds like what his mentality is. I would strongly advise not getting pregnant until your differences are sorted out, and I'd also strongly recommend seeing a marriage counselor.

JaneGucci · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAN!

I don't think you should lose sleep over that one incident anymore. I think he did everything he possibly could in that situation. He was honest and he told you the truth. He expresses guilt and he apologized. From what I have read, he sounds pretty sincere about it too. I don't think you should overreact and dwell on this one particular situation anymore. You are just burdening yourself and not doing yourself any favours. It's better to forgive and let go of it. If he messes up again, then you can re-think your relationship with him. But right now, it really isn't that bad in my opinion. I think you did the right thing by giving him a second chance. The only way you can gain trust back is through communication. Keep the flow of communication going with your husband and in time you will truly forgive him and both of you will be happier again.

Thanks! I keep telling myself this to forgive and let go. There are days when I thought I did. But the anger comes back and takes over me.

JAN! · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneGucci

Thanks! I keep telling myself this to forgive and let go. There are days when I thought I did. But the anger comes back and takes over me.

Time will heal you but just try to distract yourself. The worst thing that can happen is letting it get the best of you.

wordpast · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:34 PM

Whether he admitted it or not, 3 months isn't a long enough time to get over something like that. If you want to make it work, see a marriage counselor and try to give it some more time. If after a while you are still feeling depressed and unhappy, then there is no point in living that way forever.

heartnaspade · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:44 PM

I'm sorry, I just don't really believe his story - it almost seems laughable. He found a woman by the side of the road, gave her a ride home, she put her number in his phone, and then just randomly started to give him oral sex? He's still not telling you the whole truth, and I wouldn't trust him until he does.

JaneGucci · Dec 27th, 2007, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartnaspade

I'm sorry, I just don't really believe his story - it almost seems laughable. He found a woman by the side of the road, gave her a ride home, she put her number in his phone, and then just randomly started to give him oral sex? He's still not telling you the whole truth, and I wouldn't trust him until he does.

I didn't believe him either. I kept asking him for the truth but he said that was the truth. He said he didn't know what was the woman's purpose was. I told him that a woman don't just trust a man like that. So I don't know.. I took him back and gave him the benefit of the doubt because he made a confession to me. I didn't just find out that he cheated on me he actually told me.

fiatflux · Dec 27th, 2007, 07:57 PM

I also really question his story. Definitely go to marriage counseling...and also give it at least a year or two before you consider having kids. What if this is just the start of a continuing pattern...once his guilt wears off, maybe he'll do it again?

bb10lue · Dec 27th, 2007, 08:17 PM

How about going to a marriage counselling?Be honest with him about how you feel right now, and that you need time to heal. And I agree with others, don't rush into starting a family when you are unsure.

dallas · Dec 27th, 2007, 08:20 PM

I would not, under any circumstances, start a family with this man whilst you feel the way you do. He is hoping a baby will fix everything and take the focus off his indiscretion. I don't know if he is telling the truth or not but what really matters is the way you feel. I think it would be beneficial for you to see a marriage counselor. I hope things work out for you.

risingsun · Dec 27th, 2007, 08:37 PM

I'm finding it difficult to believe him. As soon as she touched his zipper, he must have had some idea of what was going on. I agree that you need time and marriage counseling to work this out. Starting a family would not be a good idea, considering your situation.

Leah411 · Dec 27th, 2007, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAN!

I don't think you should lose sleep over that one incident anymore. I think he did everything he possibly could in that situation. He was honest and he told you the truth. He expresses guilt and he apologized. From what I have read, he sounds pretty sincere about it too. I don't think you should overreact and dwell on this one particular situation anymore. You are just burdening yourself and not doing yourself any favours. It's better to forgive and let go of it. If he messes up again, then you can re-think your relationship with him. But right now, it really isn't that bad in my opinion. I think you did the right thing by giving him a second chance. The only way you can gain trust back is through communication. Keep the flow of communication going with your husband and in time you will truly forgive him and both of you will be happier again.

If he had done "everything he possibly could in that situation", he would have stopped the woman the second she made a move for his zipper and made it crystal clear that he was not interested and that he was a married man!

The bottom line is he allowed another woman to perform oral sex on him. He allowed it. He didn't stop her before it started. She couldn't have given him a BJ without his cooperation.

He was not "honest". His actions were very dishonest. And his story sounds very sketchy. It doesn't have the ring of truth to it.

But even if it were true...being upset and still thinking about it three months later is not "overreacting". Being betrayed is not an easy thing to forget. It's not like he accidentally broke her favorite dish or something.

And the other girls are right...having a baby at this time would not be a good idea at all.

Dec 27th, 2007, 05:36 PM	#1
JaneGucci Member	What should I do? Help.. I been member since April 2007 but I don't really post. I just read and lurk around this forum. I need your advise I been feeling depress and sad lately. Three months ago, my husband of 5 years (been together total of 7 years) confessed that he had oral sex with a woman that he just met. He made his confession after two weeks of the incident. Before confessing, he was really depress and I didn’t know why until he made his confessions. This is what happen he said that he met the woman and she had car problem so he tried to help her. Her car wouldn’t start. When her car wouldn’t start and he’s finally leaving, the woman stopped him and asks to give her a ride at her place. My husband said that he was being nice so he gave her a ride. The woman took his cell phone and put her number there. He said he erased the number afterwards. When my husband was about to drop of the woman the woman then ask if he wants to come in. He said no and told her he has to go back to work. Then, the woman started to fondle him and eventually open his zipper. He said that at the time he froze and just let it happen. He sad that after about a minute or more, he told her to stop. In short, he was trying to tell me that the BJ was not that long and he didn’t come. He told her that he was married and this is not the right thing to do. The woman just told him “whatever!” and got out of the car. He said that he could have hid this because it’s just a one time thing but he said that he wants to come clean. He said that he stop what was happening as soon as he realized it. He said that the woman was very attractive but it was a wrong thing to do. He said that he is more attracted to me more than anything. He also realized that he loves me and how regretful he was that he let that happen. Of course, I did not believe him told him that I’m divorcing him. I was going to leave him. He cried and begged for me. He said that he ruined the one thing that was important in his life. I guess I was a sucker; I gave him a chance and decided to just take him back because he didn’t hide this from me and he was man enough to admit it. I told him that I’m still scared and I don’t trust him. I ask if he had an affair, he said he did not and that was the first time he ever met that woman. I ask him to have an STD testing, he did and it came out negative. Sorry, if this post is long. I just want your opinion. Did I make the right decision taking him back? I still feel depress and sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. He is always there for me to cheer me up. He’s always been a great husband. He is never a womanizer type and he does not even know if the woman is attractive to him. We both make the same amount of money. We have a nice 4 bedroom house. After that incident, he realized that life is short and he wanted to start a family. We were delaying on having a baby and he did not want to have a baby up until now. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I just feel like leaving him but I already told him I’m going to stay. I love him but I’m scared to get hurt again. There are times that I’m so happy with him and I’m ready to have a family. But there are also times like right now when I’m fearful because I’m not sure if things are going work out between us. It’s been 3 months now. Things are great but I still feel depress. He really feels awful and regretful of what happened. He worries a lot and fearful that I’m going to leave him. He said that if he could take back the time, he would. I’m happy, sad, and cold to him sometimes. I’m even mean to him sometimes but he takes it. I always see the sad look in his eyes. I’m thinking of going to psychiatrist for my depression. Any advise??

Dec 27th, 2007, 05:43 PM	#2
devoted Member	Re: What should I do? Help.. He wants to start a family now because he thinks it will salvage your marriage....don't become pregnant anytime soon, please. I won't tell you to leave him or to just forgive and forget...just know it will take time to forgive your husband. It's only been 3 months and you have every right to still be angry, maybe after a year or two you'll start trusting him again. When you do, then you can start a family. Don't do it now because you'll regret it.

Dec 27th, 2007, 05:49 PM	#3
JAN! <3 Location: Toronto	Re: What should I do? Help.. I don't think you should lose sleep over that one incident anymore. I think he did everything he possibly could in that situation. He was honest and he told you the truth. He expresses guilt and he apologized. From what I have read, he sounds pretty sincere about it too. I don't think you should overreact and dwell on this one particular situation anymore. You are just burdening yourself and not doing yourself any favours. It's better to forgive and let go of it. If he messes up again, then you can re-think your relationship with him. But right now, it really isn't that bad in my opinion. I think you did the right thing by giving him a second chance. The only way you can gain trust back is through communication. Keep the flow of communication going with your husband and in time you will truly forgive him and both of you will be happier again. __________________ If you don't like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Dec 27th, 2007, 05:51 PM	#5
razorbackbelle0 Sofa King Banned Location: Raiding PBC's closet... shh!	Re: What should I do? Help.. ^^ITA about the starting a family to save your marriage. That sounds like what his mentality is. I would strongly advise not getting pregnant until your differences are sorted out, and I'd also strongly recommend seeing a marriage counselor.

Dec 27th, 2007, 06:34 PM	#8
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: What should I do? Help.. Whether he admitted it or not, 3 months isn't a long enough time to get over something like that. If you want to make it work, see a marriage counselor and try to give it some more time. If after a while you are still feeling depressed and unhappy, then there is no point in living that way forever. __________________

Dec 27th, 2007, 06:44 PM	#9
heartnaspade Ali Location: back in NYC	Re: What should I do? Help.. I'm sorry, I just don't really believe his story - it almost seems laughable. He found a woman by the side of the road, gave her a ride home, she put her number in his phone, and then just randomly started to give him oral sex? He's still not telling you the whole truth, and I wouldn't trust him until he does.

Dec 27th, 2007, 07:57 PM	#11
fiatflux Member	Re: What should I do? Help.. I also really question his story. Definitely go to marriage counseling...and also give it at least a year or two before you consider having kids. What if this is just the start of a continuing pattern...once his guilt wears off, maybe he'll do it again?

Dec 27th, 2007, 08:17 PM	#12
bb10lue カルティエ*LӨVE Location: Austraila	Re: What should I do? Help.. How about going to a marriage counselling?Be honest with him about how you feel right now, and that you need time to heal. And I agree with others, don't rush into starting a family when you are unsure. __________________ Hermès HG 35cm Black Togo/Clemence Birkin (one day...)

Dec 27th, 2007, 08:20 PM	#13
dallas Ya anno	Re: What should I do? Help.. I would not, under any circumstances, start a family with this man whilst you feel the way you do. He is hoping a baby will fix everything and take the focus off his indiscretion. I don't know if he is telling the truth or not but what really matters is the way you feel. I think it would be beneficial for you to see a marriage counselor. I hope things work out for you. __________________

Dec 27th, 2007, 08:37 PM	#14
risingsun Member Location: Virginia	Re: What should I do? Help.. I'm finding it difficult to believe him. As soon as she touched his zipper, he must have had some idea of what was going on. I agree that you need time and marriage counseling to work this out. Starting a family would not be a good idea, considering your situation.