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molole · Oct 12th, 2009, 12:23 PM

To tell a love struck 16 year old that her handsome and cool boyfriend is actually a lousy choice is like telling a 3 year old that sweet candy can be bad for her. It just ain't gonna get through.

OP, you sound like a sweet girl. You will gain more life expirence and one day be mature enough to see the bigger picture. Until then, all these heartbreaks are just part of growing pains.

The good thing is: Like all of us, you WILL grow and become more resilient.

The bad thing is: You will never reach perfection. None of us will. We will just keep learning and there will always be heartbreaks or situations we find hard to handle in life.

In the meantime, enjoy living and being young.

Hugs to you.

ilovetoshop2 · Oct 12th, 2009, 03:19 PM

I guess I just have such a hard time letting go bcuz i know he loves me too. He tells me that he trusts me but doesnt trust other guys, which is why he doesnt let me do a lot of things. Our relationship isnt a healthy one but I hope one day we'll get there.

Thanks everyone.

Amaryllix · Oct 12th, 2009, 04:54 PM

Originally Posted by ilovetoshop2

I guess I just have such a hard time letting go bcuz i know he loves me too. He tells me that he trusts me but doesnt trust other guys, which is why he doesnt let me do a lot of things. Our relationship isnt a healthy one but I hope one day we'll get there.

Thanks everyone.

^ This right here. Honey, I've been in your spot. I thought my guy loved me to death, that he was just protecting me, yada yada. You know what was really happening?

He was insecure. He needed something to control. He may have needed someone to be just as miserable as he was. Me? I was very vulnerable during this time. I was young. And let's face it, I was stupid. He made me believe I needed him... that no one else would ever love me like he did. I couldn't go out with friends, I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that, because I wasn't paying him enough attention, I didn't love him enough, God knows what else. And finally, I got out of that. A huge! weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I'm finally FREE! to do what I want, when I want, and with who I want! I stopped thinking "Oh God I better not do this because I don't want him to get angry or get in an argument!"

My advice to you, like so many others have given you: Don't let anyone control you like that. You are your own person, not an extension of your boyfriend. Learn to love yourself. Do what's right for you, what'll make you happy, not because it'll make someone else happy. You are so young and (prepare for cliche!) you have so much to live for. ENJOY yourself, and LIVE life!

amanda · Oct 12th, 2009, 08:51 PM

Originally Posted by ilovetoshop2

I guess I just have such a hard time letting go bcuz i know he loves me too. He tells me that he trusts me but doesnt trust other guys, which is why he doesnt let me do a lot of things. Our relationship isnt a healthy one but I hope one day we'll get there.

Thanks everyone.

That is such a LINE. This is what crappy, mean, insecure, abusive men say to women to justify controlling them and acting out their own negativity on others. DO NOT let him treat you that way. If he treats you like that, he's not showing you the love that you deserve, no matter what he SAYS he's doing. He may not trust other guys, but what in the world is going to happen without your consent? Does he think that you male friends are going to rape you? If he thinks that you might just "slip" and accidentally have sex with one of them, he doesn't trust you. Period.

Please ask yourself - why is it ok for him to control you? Why do you allow it? "Because I love him" or "because he loves me," are NOT suitable answers to those questions. You're doing yourself a disservice.

vuittonamour · Oct 12th, 2009, 08:51 PM

OP you are so young. but as much as everyone tries to give you their great advice here, i fear you will not learn until you learn on your own. we all go through that.

ilovetoshop2 · Oct 12th, 2009, 09:31 PM

Idk why i let him control me so much, but I do the same with him. If he doesnt let me do something, i wont let him either. But, IDK if he always listens since I cant be checking up on him, nor should i feel like I have to.

My BF is the type of guy that thinks all women should listen to men. I know its not good but I deal with it. In my head I know i should leave him, but in heart i just cant.

vuittonamour · Oct 12th, 2009, 09:58 PM

^^^ "all women should listen to men" -- how chauvanistic.

Charles · Oct 13th, 2009, 02:52 PM

OP, do you think if you did break things off with him, you'd be OK with being alone? Do you truly love him and how he treats you or do you love the idea of having someone who "loves" you?

pinkinthecity · Oct 13th, 2009, 04:14 PM

OP, your boyfriend is a jerk. He manipulates you and puts you in the wrong when it is really his insecurities that is the main issue. There are so many fishes in the sea -- find one who truly loves you and trusts you.

ilovetoshop2 · Oct 13th, 2009, 04:27 PM

I do think ill be OK being alone but I been with him for more than a year, the thought of having to start all over again and find another guy is kinda scary.
Besides the fact that he does control me a lot, my BF really does treat me wonderfully, he's very caring and a sweet guy.
I'm definitely in love with him, but i guess im also in love with the idea of being with someone like him. Like I said, he is very good looking, independent, has a car, money, job. Where I live, its hard to find a guy like this. So, I dont want to just let him go.
Right now Im just taking a day at a time and see where it leads.

Charles · Oct 13th, 2009, 04:47 PM

Ok...here's the deal. In a healthy relationship, you shouldn't have to control your partner. So, if that's the only problem and if most of the time you're happy with him, then I'd focus on the control issues. Him not trusting other guys is BS. Not only is it a cop out for him not trusting you, but it also makes you seems as some silly girl who can't control herself. You're an intelligent person and he should give you the respect of allowing you to make your own decisions about who you hang with. That's what this boils down to. So address that and tell him that you love him and you'll never cheat on him, so he needs to back off or you're going to leave.

ilovetoshop2 · Oct 13th, 2009, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

Ok...here's the deal. In a healthy relationship, you shouldn't have to control your partner. So, if that's the only problem and if most of the time you're happy with him, then I'd focus on the control issues. Him not trusting other guys is BS. Not only is it a cop out for him not trusting you, but it also makes you seems as some silly girl who can't control herself. You're an intelligent person and he should give you the respect of allowing you to make your own decisions about who you hang with. That's what this boils down to. So address that and tell him that you love him and you'll never cheat on him, so he needs to back off or you're going to leave.

We already talked about cheating before and he said tht he knows i would never cheat on him. So i was so confused as to why he got so mad about friday night. He knows i wouldnt cheat on him but yet he still doesnt trust me as much now cuz i went out, its so confusing.

juneping · Oct 13th, 2009, 07:20 PM

^^bc he has his own insecurities and he's a control freak.

Bella · Oct 13th, 2009, 08:13 PM

Great feedback here. OP, I hope you'll consider what's being said and take it to heart. You need to focus on you so you can achieve and attain the things that are attracting you to this young man. Once you do that, accepting any human being trying to control you and what you do with your life and time won't be an option. You have so much life ahead of you, you're 16! for goodness sake. Leave yourself open to someone who will love and respect you. Not manipulate and control you. That's not love. The relationship you describe is not a healthy loving one.

Charles · Oct 14th, 2009, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by juneping

^^bc he has his own insecurities and he's a control freak.

Exactly, and that's what needs to be focused on.

I wouldn't tell him directly that he's the problem, but do you think he'd go to counseling with you?

Talk with him and suggest compromises. Tell him you're not going to argue about it anymore. If he wants to date you, he's going to have to trust you as well as show that he trusts you and that means not telling you what you can and can't do or getting mad cause you're within 20 feet of someone he doesn't like. Maybe tell him that when you go out, you'll text him at midnight, then when you get home, to let him know you're OK, but that means he can't call and tell you where you can and can't be. Then, the next day, tell him you're thankful that he trusted you and that it meant a lot to you. Take baby steps and use some operant conditioning here. Reinforce his good behavior with praise. Maybe he needs to be trained like a dog.

Oct 12th, 2009, 12:23 PM	#46
molole Member Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 36	To tell a love struck 16 year old that her handsome and cool boyfriend is actually a lousy choice is like telling a 3 year old that sweet candy can be bad for her. It just ain't gonna get through. OP, you sound like a sweet girl. You will gain more life expirence and one day be mature enough to see the bigger picture. Until then, all these heartbreaks are just part of growing pains. The good thing is: Like all of us, you WILL grow and become more resilient. The bad thing is: You will never reach perfection. None of us will. We will just keep learning and there will always be heartbreaks or situations we find hard to handle in life. In the meantime, enjoy living and being young. Hugs to you.
molole Member Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 36

Oct 12th, 2009, 08:51 PM	#50
vuittonamour ooh let me see! Joined: Dec 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 4,940	OP you are so young. but as much as everyone tries to give you their great advice here, i fear you will not learn until you learn on your own. we all go through that.
	__________________ please help me find my UHG CLs! black satin feticha strass - 36.5

Oct 12th, 2009, 09:58 PM	#52
vuittonamour ooh let me see! Joined: Dec 2006 Location: new jersey Posts: 4,940	^^^ "all women should listen to men" -- how chauvanistic.
	__________________ please help me find my UHG CLs! black satin feticha strass - 36.5

Oct 13th, 2009, 02:52 PM	#53
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	OP, do you think if you did break things off with him, you'd be OK with being alone? Do you truly love him and how he treats you or do you love the idea of having someone who "loves" you?
	__________________

Oct 13th, 2009, 04:14 PM	#54
pinkinthecity All That Glitters ♥ Joined: Dec 2007 Location: New York City Posts: 794	OP, your boyfriend is a jerk. He manipulates you and puts you in the wrong when it is really his insecurities that is the main issue. There are so many fishes in the sea -- find one who truly loves you and trusts you.
	__________________ "It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays." --Clare in The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Oct 12th, 2009, 03:19 PM	#47
ilovetoshop2 OP Member Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Brazil Posts: 37	I guess I just have such a hard time letting go bcuz i know he loves me too. He tells me that he trusts me but doesnt trust other guys, which is why he doesnt let me do a lot of things. Our relationship isnt a healthy one but I hope one day we'll get there. Thanks everyone.

Oct 12th, 2009, 09:31 PM	#51
ilovetoshop2 OP Member Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Brazil Posts: 37	Idk why i let him control me so much, but I do the same with him. If he doesnt let me do something, i wont let him either. But, IDK if he always listens since I cant be checking up on him, nor should i feel like I have to. My BF is the type of guy that thinks all women should listen to men. I know its not good but I deal with it. In my head I know i should leave him, but in heart i just cant.

Oct 13th, 2009, 04:27 PM	#55
ilovetoshop2 OP Member Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Brazil Posts: 37	I do think ill be OK being alone but I been with him for more than a year, the thought of having to start all over again and find another guy is kinda scary. Besides the fact that he does control me a lot, my BF really does treat me wonderfully, he's very caring and a sweet guy. I'm definitely in love with him, but i guess im also in love with the idea of being with someone like him. Like I said, he is very good looking, independent, has a car, money, job. Where I live, its hard to find a guy like this. So, I dont want to just let him go. Right now Im just taking a day at a time and see where it leads.

Oct 13th, 2009, 04:47 PM	#56
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	Ok...here's the deal. In a healthy relationship, you shouldn't have to control your partner. So, if that's the only problem and if most of the time you're happy with him, then I'd focus on the control issues. Him not trusting other guys is BS. Not only is it a cop out for him not trusting you, but it also makes you seems as some silly girl who can't control herself. You're an intelligent person and he should give you the respect of allowing you to make your own decisions about who you hang with. That's what this boils down to. So address that and tell him that you love him and you'll never cheat on him, so he needs to back off or you're going to leave.
	__________________

Oct 13th, 2009, 07:20 PM	#58
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	^^bc he has his own insecurities and he's a control freak.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 13th, 2009, 08:13 PM	#59
Bella Earth to Bella Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 4,347	Great feedback here. OP, I hope you'll consider what's being said and take it to heart. You need to focus on you so you can achieve and attain the things that are attracting you to this young man. Once you do that, accepting any human being trying to control you and what you do with your life and time won't be an option. You have so much life ahead of you, you're 16! for goodness sake. Leave yourself open to someone who will love and respect you. Not manipulate and control you. That's not love. The relationship you describe is not a healthy loving one.
Bella Earth to Bella Joined: Mar 2006 Posts: 4,347	__________________ Last edited by Bella; Oct 13th, 2009 at 08:16 PM.

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