What should i do?

Superbaby · Feb 24th, 2008, 04:39 AM

Hi all,

I have a moral dillema and would like everyone's advice.

My dad just passed away in singapore (another country outside US) and my family asked me if i can come back to see him for the last time.

my dilema is; i already has a huge debt that i have to pay, and i am living pay check to pay check to pay off debts. Basically i cannot afford to incurr more debt for air tickets and hotels costs. My passport has expired and it would take me a couple of days to get it renewed. By the time i get to Singapore, i would have missed the burial and i would only be able to stay for 6 days before having to fly back here to get back to work.

secondly, i am never close to my family. I dreaded the thought of having to see my siblings. They never believe in me and always say nasty/sarcastic things to me in front of my face. I am not really close to my mum but we do talk once a year. I had not seen her for 8 years either.

What would you do? Would you incurr more debts just to fly back home? I know that flying back home is the right thing to do... but my heart feels heavy knowing the debt that i will be accumulating when i am back.

Sternchen · Feb 24th, 2008, 04:59 AM

Leaving your debts on the side, would you want to see your father and pay your respects to him one last time? My father lives in the United States and I live in Germany, so if anything would ever happen to him I would also have to fly back...I can't even imagine thinking about my debts then, it's my dad and I would do anything to be able to see him one last time...but we have a pretty good relationship.

Did you have a good relationship with your dad?? Or are you just not wanting to see your siblings? Honestly, if you don't want to see your siblings, then don't. I'd just be polite and explain that you are there for your father, not for them.

Call your credit card company and explain the situation to them. My family had to do something similar once (last minute flight, no money) and American Express was able to work out a deal for them so that they wouldn't have to pay interest for a certain amount of time (I believe 1 year????) for the flight.

Superbaby · Feb 24th, 2008, 05:04 AM

I am not close to my dad at all either. But i know i have to pay him my last respect nonetheless.
I just dreaded meeting my siblings.

thanks for the advice.

Speedy · Feb 24th, 2008, 05:10 AM

This is a tough one, but instead of thinking how much debt it would put you further into, think about how not showing up would affect the family. Your siblings are already nasty to you, so if you don't showyou can count on them to be true to charcater, they will bad-mouth you.

So then your concern would be your mother. How do you think she would feel if you didn't fly there? Will she get pushed out of shape?

WHatever you decide, don't allow your family make you feel guilty. Since you already aren't very close, this shouldn't be hard.

My condolances on your loss as well as your dilemna. Hope you have better things happen in the future.

dallas · Feb 24th, 2008, 05:44 AM

I think given the circumstances, debt aside, you would be better off staying home. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father.

queenvictoria2 · Feb 24th, 2008, 10:14 AM

They asked if you can come back to see him one last time but he will already be buried right???

I think you should do whatever YOU feel in your heart YOU want to do and not what others think is "RIGHT", don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't really want to do.

Good Luck in whatever you decide, and my sympathy on your loss.

elizat · Feb 24th, 2008, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dallas

I think given the circumstances, debt aside, you would be better off staying home. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by queenvictoria2

They asked if you can come back to see him one last time but he will already be buried right???

I think you should do whatever YOU feel in your heart YOU want to do and not what others think is "RIGHT", don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't really want to do.

Good Luck in whatever you decide, and my sympathy on your loss.

I agree with both of these ladies. On one hand, I feel you are likely better staying home and paying your respects in your own way, or at another time. On the other hand, you need to do what is right for you. My sympathies to you for the loss of your father.

Vegas Long Legs · Feb 24th, 2008, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superbaby

Hi all,

My passport has expired and it would take me a couple of days to get it renewed. By the time i get to Singapore, i would have missed the burial

secondly, i am never close to my family. I dreaded the thought of having to see my siblings. They never believe in me and always say nasty/sarcastic things to me in front of my face. I am not really close to my mum but we do talk once a year. I had not seen her for 8 years either.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Forget the debt you might incur.
Can you really get your passport renewed that quickly? You will have missed the burial & its your dad that you want to give your last respects to. You don't need to physically be where his body is to give your respects. His passing is between you & him.
Your relationship with your siblings is something I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from. Your not close to you mum, haven't seen her in 8 years. You can express sympathy to her other ways. She might be aware of how your siblings treat you. And maybe she doesn't care.
I don't think I'd be going into this hornets nest. They will talk about you whether you're there or not. I have distant cousins like this. I wouldn't let them do it to my face anymore. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself, no matter the circumstances. I hope you have some friends that are a wonderful support system.

abbygirl · Feb 24th, 2008, 11:52 AM

... but my heart feels heavy knowing the debt that i will be accumulating when i am back.[/quote]

I have to be honest and say that the above sentence kinda tells it all. You heart is heavy over debt, not because of your dad's death.

Your dad has been laid to rest, so once you are able to settle your finances and can start saving, is when you should start making arrangements to visit his grave. You wouldn't have to tell your family you are coming at that point, so need to deal with their
nasty remarks.

I am so sorry for the loss of you dad......

gillianna · Feb 24th, 2008, 12:06 PM

Maybe in the future you can plan a vacation to go back home and pay your respects and NOT have to see your family. You can also do something in your own way at home. Yes he is your father but there are many obstacles for you to get to Singapore and carrying a huge debt will add to stress in your life.
If your family wants you there so much tell them you can't afford to go and see if they offer to pay for you. If you are not close to your family I don't think any visit will make it better and it may cause more problems.
I am sorry for your loss and I hope you decide what to do is best for you and not what others "expect".
HUGS.

chodessa · Feb 24th, 2008, 12:50 PM

Yikes....
It's obvious you don't want to go....more so because you are terrified of seeing your siblings.
Realize that if you don't, the wall that stands between you and them will only grow taller and be that much harder to break down. Do you really want to isolate yourself further from them? If the answer is truly yes, then don't go....but if you are looking to get closer to them, this may be the perfect time.
Either way, I am sorry for your loss..

mm16 · Feb 24th, 2008, 04:15 PM

^ITA. I think you should go to see your dad/say goodbye. Be the bigger person in your family and do not let their harassment bother you. Just go and do what you need to do and leave it at that.

Also, I am sorry for your loss. Good luck with your decision.

rothjess · Feb 24th, 2008, 11:02 PM

If your father were still alive, I'd be encouraging you to go see him ASAP. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I agree with so many of the other ladies here and I think abbygirl put it best. If you're more distraught about the debt you'd be in than your father's passing, that should give you the answer from your heart. Once you are in a better financial situation, or perhaps sooner, you may feel the need to visit him in his final resting place. You may want to consider starting a small savings (I know it's hard when you're in debt, but even $5/week) so should you need to go see him, you can.

I am truly sorry for the loss of your father. Good luck with your decision and I hope you are at peace with whatever your decide.

boring member · Feb 25th, 2008, 03:01 AM

I am very sorry for your loss. Since you'd have to miss the burial anyway, maybe you could go for the one year anniversary of his death, his birthday, or some other date like that to pay your respects?

anez · Feb 25th, 2008, 05:07 AM

As other posters have already said, I don't think you should allow anyone to pressure you. As your father has already passed, going home will not benefit him in any way, and as you are already going to miss the burial regardless of what you do, it's not a matter of it looking disrespectful if you are not there. You said you are not close to your family, so this trip would be stressful both financially and emotionally, and I don't think it will serve any purpose other than to put you in debt and possibly upset you more.

I'm really sorry that you have to try to deal with all this at a time when you are already experiencing grief (even if you were not close to your father, I'm sure this is still very difficult for you). My condolences on your loss and I hope whatever you choose to do that you're able to come to a decision that feels right for you and not just for your family.

Feb 24th, 2008, 04:39 AM	#1
Superbaby Member Location: Baby Land	What should i do? Hi all, I have a moral dillema and would like everyone's advice. My dad just passed away in singapore (another country outside US) and my family asked me if i can come back to see him for the last time. my dilema is; i already has a huge debt that i have to pay, and i am living pay check to pay check to pay off debts. Basically i cannot afford to incurr more debt for air tickets and hotels costs. My passport has expired and it would take me a couple of days to get it renewed. By the time i get to Singapore, i would have missed the burial and i would only be able to stay for 6 days before having to fly back here to get back to work. secondly, i am never close to my family. I dreaded the thought of having to see my siblings. They never believe in me and always say nasty/sarcastic things to me in front of my face. I am not really close to my mum but we do talk once a year. I had not seen her for 8 years either. What would you do? Would you incurr more debts just to fly back home? I know that flying back home is the right thing to do... but my heart feels heavy knowing the debt that i will be accumulating when i am back. __________________ ~ I My BK very much ~

Feb 24th, 2008, 04:59 AM	#2
Sternchen We're having a boy!! Location: Beauty RAOK	Re: What should i do? Leaving your debts on the side, would you want to see your father and pay your respects to him one last time? My father lives in the United States and I live in Germany, so if anything would ever happen to him I would also have to fly back...I can't even imagine thinking about my debts then, it's my dad and I would do anything to be able to see him one last time...but we have a pretty good relationship. Did you have a good relationship with your dad?? Or are you just not wanting to see your siblings? Honestly, if you don't want to see your siblings, then don't. I'd just be polite and explain that you are there for your father, not for them. Call your credit card company and explain the situation to them. My family had to do something similar once (last minute flight, no money) and American Express was able to work out a deal for them so that they wouldn't have to pay interest for a certain amount of time (I believe 1 year????) for the flight. __________________ My 2 wonderful girls, Nicole (5) and Julia (1) will be big sisters soon! My pregnancy blog

Feb 24th, 2008, 05:04 AM	#3
Superbaby Member Location: Baby Land	Re: What should i do? I am not close to my dad at all either. But i know i have to pay him my last respect nonetheless. I just dreaded meeting my siblings. thanks for the advice. __________________ ~ I My BK very much ~

Feb 24th, 2008, 05:10 AM	#4
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: What should i do? This is a tough one, but instead of thinking how much debt it would put you further into, think about how not showing up would affect the family. Your siblings are already nasty to you, so if you don't showyou can count on them to be true to charcater, they will bad-mouth you. So then your concern would be your mother. How do you think she would feel if you didn't fly there? Will she get pushed out of shape? WHatever you decide, don't allow your family make you feel guilty. Since you already aren't very close, this shouldn't be hard. My condolances on your loss as well as your dilemna. Hope you have better things happen in the future.

Feb 24th, 2008, 05:44 AM	#5
dallas Ya anno	Re: What should i do? I think given the circumstances, debt aside, you would be better off staying home. Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father. __________________ Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

Feb 24th, 2008, 10:14 AM	#6
queenvictoria2 psalm 25:4 Location: In a Shoe ....	Re: What should i do? They asked if you can come back to see him one last time but he will already be buried right??? I think you should do whatever YOU feel in your heart YOU want to do and not what others think is "RIGHT", don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't really want to do. Good Luck in whatever you decide, and my sympathy on your loss. __________________ Wishlist: A Cure for Cancer

Feb 24th, 2008, 11:52 AM	#9
abbygirl Member	Re: What should i do? ... but my heart feels heavy knowing the debt that i will be accumulating when i am back.[/quote] I have to be honest and say that the above sentence kinda tells it all. You heart is heavy over debt, not because of your dad's death. Your dad has been laid to rest, so once you are able to settle your finances and can start saving, is when you should start making arrangements to visit his grave. You wouldn't have to tell your family you are coming at that point, so need to deal with their nasty remarks. I am so sorry for the loss of you dad...... __________________ I love my tpf friends

Feb 24th, 2008, 12:06 PM	#10
gillianna Member	Re: What should i do? Maybe in the future you can plan a vacation to go back home and pay your respects and NOT have to see your family. You can also do something in your own way at home. Yes he is your father but there are many obstacles for you to get to Singapore and carrying a huge debt will add to stress in your life. If your family wants you there so much tell them you can't afford to go and see if they offer to pay for you. If you are not close to your family I don't think any visit will make it better and it may cause more problems. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you decide what to do is best for you and not what others "expect". HUGS.

Feb 24th, 2008, 12:50 PM	#11
chodessa Hot Smot and Humble	Re: What should i do? Yikes.... It's obvious you don't want to go....more so because you are terrified of seeing your siblings. Realize that if you don't, the wall that stands between you and them will only grow taller and be that much harder to break down. Do you really want to isolate yourself further from them? If the answer is truly yes, then don't go....but if you are looking to get closer to them, this may be the perfect time. Either way, I am sorry for your loss..

Feb 24th, 2008, 04:15 PM	#12
mm16 #1 Pug Lover~! Location: Avon Lake, Ohio	Re: What should i do? ^ITA. I think you should go to see your dad/say goodbye. Be the bigger person in your family and do not let their harassment bother you. Just go and do what you need to do and leave it at that. Also, I am sorry for your loss. Good luck with your decision.

Feb 24th, 2008, 11:02 PM	#13
rothjess ... Location: DC Metro Area	Re: What should i do? If your father were still alive, I'd be encouraging you to go see him ASAP. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I agree with so many of the other ladies here and I think abbygirl put it best. If you're more distraught about the debt you'd be in than your father's passing, that should give you the answer from your heart. Once you are in a better financial situation, or perhaps sooner, you may feel the need to visit him in his final resting place. You may want to consider starting a small savings (I know it's hard when you're in debt, but even $5/week) so should you need to go see him, you can. I am truly sorry for the loss of your father. Good luck with your decision and I hope you are at peace with whatever your decide.

Feb 25th, 2008, 03:01 AM	#14
boring member Member	Re: What should i do? I am very sorry for your loss. Since you'd have to miss the burial anyway, maybe you could go for the one year anniversary of his death, his birthday, or some other date like that to pay your respects?

Feb 25th, 2008, 05:07 AM	#15
anez H addict on a ban! Location: Dublin, Ireland	Re: What should i do? As other posters have already said, I don't think you should allow anyone to pressure you. As your father has already passed, going home will not benefit him in any way, and as you are already going to miss the burial regardless of what you do, it's not a matter of it looking disrespectful if you are not there. You said you are not close to your family, so this trip would be stressful both financially and emotionally, and I don't think it will serve any purpose other than to put you in debt and possibly upset you more. I'm really sorry that you have to try to deal with all this at a time when you are already experiencing grief (even if you were not close to your father, I'm sure this is still very difficult for you). My condolences on your loss and I hope whatever you choose to do that you're able to come to a decision that feels right for you and not just for your family. __________________ Current Wishlist: [Hermes Birkin 30 Rouge Garrance Swift w/PHW] [Hermes Birkin 30 Blue Jean Togo w/PHW] [MORE SHAWLS!]