What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down?

wordbox · Feb 18th, 2008, 10:13 PM

I'm not sure if I'm seeking advice or just venting.

My boyfriend and I have been together a long time (over 5 years), and consider it to be a very serious relationship. We live together, have combined finances, two dogs, etc. We discuss our future together, marriage, and I consider us to have a healthy and loving relationship.

He started his career back in August, and we're still adjusting to it. He's on the road a lot (well, maybe not for some, but it feels like a lot for us) and is sometimes just stressed out in general over his job. It's a really good job with benefits, and most of the time he seems to like it. Sometimes, however, it makes him really crabby.

I am in my final semester of college, and somehow it is managing to be my most difficult. I have been really stressed as well, and have long days full of class and work and then have a lot of homework at night. I have a much heavier load than I would normally have, and my classes have been fairly demanding in the amount of work and reading.

Needless to say, we're not the most charming and happy couple right now! We've been trying to spend time quality time together on the weekends (hanging out with friends, going out to dinner, having drinks, etc) and that definitely helps. But other times I feel like we're tiptoeing around each other, and we sometimes take things out on each other.

He just came home after a very long day (had to drive for a total of about six hours, plus did his job, and came home to do more work - please note that this is not an every day thing, but is occasionally expected). He came in the door and was instantly cranky. I understand he's tired and is putting in a 15 hour day today, but it's getting hard to deal with. We're both stressed, feeling down, sick of winter, worried about our future plans, etc.

Any tips on how to cope? Or even just some encouraging words? I would really appreciate it. We never go to bed mad, tell each other we love each other several times a day, and are definitely still solidly in love. It's just that the stress of life is starting to take its toll (

), and I just hope that things settle down in a few months.

ImASadGiraffe · Feb 18th, 2008, 10:53 PM

I have been there with my DH. Sometimes the pressures of life along with other factors (weather, health, etc) can really bring you down.

My DH and I have had some real blow out fights when stressed so we made some ground rules:

- When leaving work, leave it at the door. Don't discuss it in the evening.
- Eat dinner together, not in front of the TV.
- Weekends are for relaxing - we sleep in, make breakfast, walk the dog, play games, etc. No work!
- We try to make the indoors as fun as possible when it's gross and snowy outside - have indoor picnics, board games, movies, relaxing by the fireplace, playing sexy games (wink wink).

It's hard but you have to physically make yourself unstressed by doing something that calms you down. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue around DH and I know he has to do the same for me. Really, I find that both of us not letting work seep into our home life is key.

Good luck to you! It will get better, I promise!

wordbox · Feb 18th, 2008, 11:33 PM

^ Thank you! I will try some of your ideas.

One of the problems is that his office is at home, so it can be really hard to separate the two. We are definitely working on that (or at least know that we need to), and I think I might bring this up later this week (that we need to work on separating his work life from our home life).

I think it will be better once I'm done with school, or at least I hope! But having all that homework and everything over my head all the time doesn't help. On the weekends I'm still thinking about all the school stuff that I should be doing (same with our weeknights, if I'm not actually doing homework then I'm thinking about how I should be).

Florasun · Feb 18th, 2008, 11:40 PM

I just avoid my DH when we get like that, just say 'hi' and go do my own thing - I get on the purse forum or read a book. I know it's hard not to fire back if he starts venting, but try to let it wash over you. Tell him you're sorry he had a bad day. If he seeks you out and picks a fight, that's another thing - that doesn't usually happen with me, so I wouldn't know how to deal with that. It's not fair that there's nobody there for you when you're stressed, and you have to be the one to take the high road, but that's the way life is sometimes.

wordbox · Feb 18th, 2008, 11:48 PM

^ Well, he's there for me, too, and I try to be there for him. But I feel like our stresses have been so constant lately that it's a lot on our shoulders and we're not getting much of a break.

But you're right, sometimes it's best to just do my own thing and let him be.

The good news is that we're getting out of town for a few days during my spring break, so I think that will be really helpful for us. Maybe we'll have to adopt a "no work or school talk" policy for that time!

SunnyFreckles · Feb 18th, 2008, 11:53 PM

You know what...there are some nights when DH and I come home and it's like literally fighting for air time to talk about our day! And what is even worse is when we both have a bad day and come home in hopes for a little bit of sympathy/compassion/understanding/an ear (whatever!) and he is hoping for the same thing.

What works for me?

Letting the stress of my day go and letting him tell me all about his. That is the part of sacraficing that you can choose to do. He will never ever know what you did for him (he may later, if he happens to ask you a few days down the road how you are doing) but it makes you such a better partner for him!

Your time will come when it can be all about you, but there are just somedays when it's not, and that's ok! If you had that bad of a day, too, just listen, then hop in the bathtub, run a hot bath and cry it all away. When it's real bad I do that on occasion and once I get it all out, I feel SO much better!

wordbox · Feb 19th, 2008, 12:15 AM

^ Thank you. Sometimes it really is okay to just lean on ourselves.

IntlSet · Feb 19th, 2008, 12:17 AM

wordbox, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I know how difficult it can be. My SO has a stressful job, often works very long hours, and is mostly a stoic about it. Honestly, I think you should just avoid your SO when he comes in -- he obviously needs to decompress for a little bit.

Wishing you two the best! Hope things slow down and smooth out soon.

illinirdhd · Feb 19th, 2008, 12:29 AM

wordbox... sneak a card in his suitcase or on the seat of his car before he goes on a trip or out for a long day. Just something short and sweet - a little thinking of you or missing you or I love you. My fiance is gone a lot - 3 to 5 days most weeks - and I usually do this. He looks forward to seeing what I put in there, and totally notices when I forget! In fact, over the weekend, he actually mentioned that he missed my notes on the last 2 trips. What can I say? I have been neglecting him. I usually just pick up something cute in the Hallmark aisle. I also joined bluemountain.com ($3.00/month I think) so I can print a cute card in a pinch. I have also tried little gifts. He's been remodeling the house, so one time I found a little keychain online that was a screw with nuts and washers on it. It was in a little box that says "I'm nuts about you." He immediately put it on his keys and hasn't left the house without it since. For less than $10, he knew I was thinking about him. The time I put Milk Duds in his suitcase was less successful - we still can't go to a movie without him saying "remember that time you put Milk Duds in my suitcase and they melted into one GIANT dud?"

Sunny is right - you can be you own best friend sometimes (or vent to us here) when you have a bad day, so that you can be there for him. That will help.

But put a little something in the car or his bag before he leaves and he'll be thinking about you when he's gone and he won't be able to wait to get home to you!

wordbox · Feb 19th, 2008, 01:12 AM

Thanks again everyone! You're all really helping to make me feel better.

illinirdhd, that's a good idea. I try to do stuff like that once in awhile, but I think it would really help right now to be more aware of those little sweet things to let him know I'm thinking of him. He has another long day tomorrow, so I'll get up early with him and make him a breakfast smoothie (they're his favorite!).

helium · Feb 19th, 2008, 01:33 AM

Oh wordbox I know how you feel... my boyfriend and I are both at uni, and we're both stressed during exams and the two weeks leading up to it. The thing is, trying to make a relationship work while you're stressed only adds to stress! Our solution? Don't think about it.

For those three weeks we kind of just leave each other alone, literally. I don't cook dinner (I don't have time), I don't care about the cleanliness of the house anymore... you know you just don't care about anything. During those three weeks we're completely seperate people, if need be one of us even moves out to avoid stressing the other out. It's only for three weeks, after that it's all happy 'oh we're reunited!' type thing again.

Of course, to live like that you really have to have your partner understand and see that you ignoring him isn't out of the fact that you hate him. And he has to be willing to ignore you too. I don't think everyone can do this... it requires planning and talking beforehand.

moi et mes sacs · Feb 19th, 2008, 07:08 PM

Aww, sorry you are having a bad time. But it sounds as though you both loave each other. Can you book a holiday? ( Vacation ) he hee. You could mark the days left on the calendar. And that will be time just for you to unwind alone together. Then you have a chance to remember all the loveliness that attracted you in the first place and relight the flame...

merde111 · Feb 19th, 2008, 08:07 PM

Sending (((hugs))) and support your way! You've already gotten such great advice in this thread, so I'll just pop in to say what my bf and I do on days like that.

1. I love to take a nap when I get home, for an hour or two. It helps me detach from the work day/stress, and I'm in a great mood when I wake up. Usually, while I nap, the bf helps my son with his homework. If that works for your or your bf, it might be a good idea.

2. We usually plan out some fun things we want to do during the weekend as our 'getaway time'--we very rarely plan to do housework or that kind of thing unless it's necessary. Weekends are for sleeping in, shopping, having fun and enjoying each other. With that in sight, it makes the work week easier to deal with.

3. If he's had a bad day, after my nap I'll baby him--massage his back or feet, make him a special treat to eat or some hot chocolate, talk to him about it and then try to cheer him up. He seems to feel better just knowing that someone hears him, sympathizes and cares (I know I do!).

claireZk · Feb 19th, 2008, 08:08 PM

Just try to be patient and supportive, and when you're feeling stressed, try not to snap and take it out on him. Set aside entire date days if you can-- plan a day when you have eachother's undivided attention (no other plans, no other people, no phones) and spend the whole day doing the things you love to do. It doesn't even have to be romantic, it just has to be fun. I also agree with doing little considerate things to let him know you care-- it makes a huge difference.

kaye · Feb 19th, 2008, 08:31 PM

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw

Feb 18th, 2008, 10:13 PM	#1
wordbox spay, neuter, adopt! Location: The North Pole	What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? I'm not sure if I'm seeking advice or just venting. My boyfriend and I have been together a long time (over 5 years), and consider it to be a very serious relationship. We live together, have combined finances, two dogs, etc. We discuss our future together, marriage, and I consider us to have a healthy and loving relationship. He started his career back in August, and we're still adjusting to it. He's on the road a lot (well, maybe not for some, but it feels like a lot for us) and is sometimes just stressed out in general over his job. It's a really good job with benefits, and most of the time he seems to like it. Sometimes, however, it makes him really crabby. I am in my final semester of college, and somehow it is managing to be my most difficult. I have been really stressed as well, and have long days full of class and work and then have a lot of homework at night. I have a much heavier load than I would normally have, and my classes have been fairly demanding in the amount of work and reading. Needless to say, we're not the most charming and happy couple right now! We've been trying to spend time quality time together on the weekends (hanging out with friends, going out to dinner, having drinks, etc) and that definitely helps. But other times I feel like we're tiptoeing around each other, and we sometimes take things out on each other. He just came home after a very long day (had to drive for a total of about six hours, plus did his job, and came home to do more work - please note that this is not an every day thing, but is occasionally expected). He came in the door and was instantly cranky. I understand he's tired and is putting in a 15 hour day today, but it's getting hard to deal with. We're both stressed, feeling down, sick of winter, worried about our future plans, etc. Any tips on how to cope? Or even just some encouraging words? I would really appreciate it. We never go to bed mad, tell each other we love each other several times a day, and are definitely still solidly in love. It's just that the stress of life is starting to take its toll (), and I just hope that things settle down in a few months. __________________ Last edited by wordbox; Feb 18th, 2008 at 10:18 PM.

Feb 18th, 2008, 10:53 PM	#2
ImASadGiraffe Relax... Location: IL	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? I have been there with my DH. Sometimes the pressures of life along with other factors (weather, health, etc) can really bring you down. My DH and I have had some real blow out fights when stressed so we made some ground rules: - When leaving work, leave it at the door. Don't discuss it in the evening. - Eat dinner together, not in front of the TV. - Weekends are for relaxing - we sleep in, make breakfast, walk the dog, play games, etc. No work! - We try to make the indoors as fun as possible when it's gross and snowy outside - have indoor picnics, board games, movies, relaxing by the fireplace, playing sexy games (wink wink). It's hard but you have to physically make yourself unstressed by doing something that calms you down. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue around DH and I know he has to do the same for me. Really, I find that both of us not letting work seep into our home life is key. Good luck to you! It will get better, I promise! __________________ 11/21/08

Feb 18th, 2008, 11:33 PM	#3
wordbox spay, neuter, adopt! Location: The North Pole	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? ^ Thank you! I will try some of your ideas. One of the problems is that his office is at home, so it can be really hard to separate the two. We are definitely working on that (or at least know that we need to), and I think I might bring this up later this week (that we need to work on separating his work life from our home life). I think it will be better once I'm done with school, or at least I hope! But having all that homework and everything over my head all the time doesn't help. On the weekends I'm still thinking about all the school stuff that I should be doing (same with our weeknights, if I'm not actually doing homework then I'm thinking about how I should be). __________________

Feb 18th, 2008, 11:40 PM	#4
Florasun Member	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? I just avoid my DH when we get like that, just say 'hi' and go do my own thing - I get on the purse forum or read a book. I know it's hard not to fire back if he starts venting, but try to let it wash over you. Tell him you're sorry he had a bad day. If he seeks you out and picks a fight, that's another thing - that doesn't usually happen with me, so I wouldn't know how to deal with that. It's not fair that there's nobody there for you when you're stressed, and you have to be the one to take the high road, but that's the way life is sometimes. __________________ The most important things in life aren't things at all!

Feb 18th, 2008, 11:48 PM	#5
wordbox spay, neuter, adopt! Location: The North Pole	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? ^ Well, he's there for me, too, and I try to be there for him. But I feel like our stresses have been so constant lately that it's a lot on our shoulders and we're not getting much of a break. But you're right, sometimes it's best to just do my own thing and let him be. The good news is that we're getting out of town for a few days during my spring break, so I think that will be really helpful for us. Maybe we'll have to adopt a "no work or school talk" policy for that time! __________________

Feb 18th, 2008, 11:53 PM	#6
SunnyFreckles ~Cute 'n Proud~ Location: Near corn fields...	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? You know what...there are some nights when DH and I come home and it's like literally fighting for air time to talk about our day! And what is even worse is when we both have a bad day and come home in hopes for a little bit of sympathy/compassion/understanding/an ear (whatever!) and he is hoping for the same thing. What works for me? Letting the stress of my day go and letting him tell me all about his. That is the part of sacraficing that you can choose to do. He will never ever know what you did for him (he may later, if he happens to ask you a few days down the road how you are doing) but it makes you such a better partner for him! Your time will come when it can be all about you, but there are just somedays when it's not, and that's ok! If you had that bad of a day, too, just listen, then hop in the bathtub, run a hot bath and cry it all away. When it's real bad I do that on occasion and once I get it all out, I feel SO much better! __________________ <>< *Sunny's Collection*

Feb 19th, 2008, 12:15 AM	#7
wordbox spay, neuter, adopt! Location: The North Pole	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? ^ Thank you. Sometimes it really is okay to just lean on ourselves. __________________

Feb 19th, 2008, 12:17 AM	#8
IntlSet Bonjour! Location: Chicago	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? wordbox, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I know how difficult it can be. My SO has a stressful job, often works very long hours, and is mostly a stoic about it. Honestly, I think you should just avoid your SO when he comes in -- he obviously needs to decompress for a little bit. Wishing you two the best! Hope things slow down and smooth out soon. __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/ Last edited by IntlSet; Feb 19th, 2008 at 12:32 AM.

Feb 19th, 2008, 12:29 AM	#9
illinirdhd Sofa King Hooked Location: Las Vegas, NV	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? wordbox... sneak a card in his suitcase or on the seat of his car before he goes on a trip or out for a long day. Just something short and sweet - a little thinking of you or missing you or I love you. My fiance is gone a lot - 3 to 5 days most weeks - and I usually do this. He looks forward to seeing what I put in there, and totally notices when I forget! In fact, over the weekend, he actually mentioned that he missed my notes on the last 2 trips. What can I say? I have been neglecting him. I usually just pick up something cute in the Hallmark aisle. I also joined bluemountain.com ($3.00/month I think) so I can print a cute card in a pinch. I have also tried little gifts. He's been remodeling the house, so one time I found a little keychain online that was a screw with nuts and washers on it. It was in a little box that says "I'm nuts about you." He immediately put it on his keys and hasn't left the house without it since. For less than $10, he knew I was thinking about him. The time I put Milk Duds in his suitcase was less successful - we still can't go to a movie without him saying "remember that time you put Milk Duds in my suitcase and they melted into one GIANT dud?" Sunny is right - you can be you own best friend sometimes (or vent to us here) when you have a bad day, so that you can be there for him. That will help. But put a little something in the car or his bag before he leaves and he'll be thinking about you when he's gone and he won't be able to wait to get home to you! __________________

Feb 19th, 2008, 01:12 AM	#10
wordbox spay, neuter, adopt! Location: The North Pole	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? Thanks again everyone! You're all really helping to make me feel better. illinirdhd, that's a good idea. I try to do stuff like that once in awhile, but I think it would really help right now to be more aware of those little sweet things to let him know I'm thinking of him. He has another long day tomorrow, so I'll get up early with him and make him a breakfast smoothie (they're his favorite!). __________________

Feb 19th, 2008, 01:33 AM	#11
helium Member	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? Oh wordbox I know how you feel... my boyfriend and I are both at uni, and we're both stressed during exams and the two weeks leading up to it. The thing is, trying to make a relationship work while you're stressed only adds to stress! Our solution? Don't think about it. For those three weeks we kind of just leave each other alone, literally. I don't cook dinner (I don't have time), I don't care about the cleanliness of the house anymore... you know you just don't care about anything. During those three weeks we're completely seperate people, if need be one of us even moves out to avoid stressing the other out. It's only for three weeks, after that it's all happy 'oh we're reunited!' type thing again. Of course, to live like that you really have to have your partner understand and see that you ignoring him isn't out of the fact that you hate him. And he has to be willing to ignore you too. I don't think everyone can do this... it requires planning and talking beforehand.

Feb 19th, 2008, 07:08 PM	#12
moi et mes sacs Science Geek!	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? Aww, sorry you are having a bad time. But it sounds as though you both loave each other. Can you book a holiday? ( Vacation ) he hee. You could mark the days left on the calendar. And that will be time just for you to unwind alone together. Then you have a chance to remember all the loveliness that attracted you in the first place and relight the flame...

Feb 19th, 2008, 08:07 PM	#13
merde111 Member Location: Forth Worth, TX	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? Sending (((hugs))) and support your way! You've already gotten such great advice in this thread, so I'll just pop in to say what my bf and I do on days like that. 1. I love to take a nap when I get home, for an hour or two. It helps me detach from the work day/stress, and I'm in a great mood when I wake up. Usually, while I nap, the bf helps my son with his homework. If that works for your or your bf, it might be a good idea. 2. We usually plan out some fun things we want to do during the weekend as our 'getaway time'--we very rarely plan to do housework or that kind of thing unless it's necessary. Weekends are for sleeping in, shopping, having fun and enjoying each other. With that in sight, it makes the work week easier to deal with. 3. If he's had a bad day, after my nap I'll baby him--massage his back or feet, make him a special treat to eat or some hot chocolate, talk to him about it and then try to cheer him up. He seems to feel better just knowing that someone hears him, sympathizes and cares (I know I do!).

Feb 19th, 2008, 08:08 PM	#14
claireZk Member	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? Just try to be patient and supportive, and when you're feeling stressed, try not to snap and take it out on him. Set aside entire date days if you can-- plan a day when you have eachother's undivided attention (no other plans, no other people, no phones) and spend the whole day doing the things you love to do. It doesn't even have to be romantic, it just has to be fun. I also agree with doing little considerate things to let him know you care-- it makes a huge difference.

Feb 19th, 2008, 08:31 PM	#15
kaye Fashion Connoisseur Location: Toronto, Canada	Re: What to do when you're BOTH stressed and feeling down? http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw