What am I going to do

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:08 PM

This is very personal... but also it is sort of 'easy' to post here.

My family is over from Holland... My mom & grandmom.. I love them dearly and want them to be the wonderful grandmother(s) for my kids...

BUT... when I was young... my dad died when I was 5... my mom remarried... and he was MEAN.. capital. he hit me... he abused me.. he sexually how do you call it.. came to me... it never came to something... I run off when I was 12... I didn't see my stephdad and my mom for years... now that I have kids I want to have a family I know my mom is sweet.... so I said after I was 5 monts pregnant.. please come in my life NOT your husband, but it sort of breaks me apart... why WHY did she stay with this man?

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:11 PM

Should I confront her? It is hard thing for me to do?

Sweetpea83 · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:21 PM

I say you should sit her down and tell her...I'm sure as a mother she will come to terms what that awful man did..and maybe seperate from him. Keep us updated.

candace117 · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:25 PM

HH!!! <3 thank you for sharing that...what a monster of a man. It's hard to understand why our mothers do things...
Did you ever talk to her about what your stepdad did to you???
I know people do try to talk to their mom about what is going on when it is happening and the mother blames them or doesn't believe them, so that makes it hard...and I can't identify with that because I would be so heartbroken to see my child suffering.

I just offer my love and if you need to talk more please PM me <3

boxermom · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:25 PM

Honey, this is complicated. You would think a mother would always protect her children from an abusive man, whether it's father, stepfather, boyfriend, etc., but often they choose to stay. Many reasons--fear of being alone, shame for not protecting you, fear of financial insecurity......

I would say keep your expectations low when you tell her how you feel.. I'm wishing for the best for you both.

jellybebe · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:43 PM

This is an extremely difficult situation. You should talk to your mom only if you think she is ready to talk and if you are prepared to accept whatever she is going to do. She may not leave him or even get angry at him. Many women are defined by their relationships with men and are controlled by them to some extent - it's very complex. Best of luck, sounds like you are doing much better now.

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:50 PM

Yes I tried to talk to her couple times... the time when I run off. My stephdad came to me and asked me if it was anything he did... My mom at that time run off too... we talked... she wanted to know WHAT happened... i was embarrassed. does it really mather???? in my opinion everything small or big... is discusting...

he said I was seducing him.... at age 9??? she sort of believed that...

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jellybebe

This is an extremely difficult situation. You should talk to your mom only if you think she is ready to talk and if you are prepared to accept whatever she is going to do. She may not leave him or even get angry at him. Many women are defined by their relationships with men and are controlled by them to some extent - it's very complex. Best of luck, sounds like you are doing much better now.

I really appreciate your answer... maybe part of me wants to tell her... that is okay... you don't need a man... to pursue whatever you want... I do not dislike her... I just wished she was happy too.

wordpast · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:01 PM

Honestly some women are just weak. They are so blinded by love, or feel they can't be without him, that they just ignore things.

Your story reminds be of my grandma. She remarried while my mom and her sisters was young. Her husband also came on to my mom and ALL of my aunts. My grandma didn't want to beleive it. Now my grandma is probably the sweetest person I know. She is also the weakest. For whatever reason she would/could not believe this about her husband.

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:02 PM

This is sort of therapeutic .... =I needed to think of my answer.... I can't help my mom... I tried to... SO in another subject. could I help anyone?

H&H · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wordpast

Honestly some women are just weak. They are so blinded by love, or feel they can't be without him, that they just ignore things.

Your story reminds be of my grandma. She remarried while my mom and her sisters was young. Her husband also came on to my mom and ALL of my aunts. My grandma didn't want to beleive it. Now my grandma is probably the sweetest person I know. She is also the weakest. For whatever reason she would/could not believe this about her husband.

Forgive my English...it's the magnete? The thing is AFTER I run off, he molested some other family members...

Actually I had to return to my family home, as a fire burned down everything I owned... the insurance was't paying.. I stayed with my 'parents'' I was 25 and he 'hit' me AGAIN.

candace117 · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:10 PM

HH, you just need to remember that you are a strong and beautiful woman, and mother.
I LOVED watching your part of the thread when you had Tallulah. You're classy and graceful and everything awesome.

wordpast · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:11 PM

What a real piece of Sh#t you step father is. What did your mom say about coming into her grandkids life?? Is she happy about that? Is she willing to do it WITHOUT her husband involved??

jellybebe · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:11 PM

Well there is a woman in my program who I'm good friends with and she sort of did something like this - she fell in love with a man after she divorced her first husband and moved in with him and made her daughter move in with them too. Her daughter felt very unhappy for many years. I'm not sure if the boyfriend did anything to the daughter, but she was unhappy and blamed her mother. Her life became very dysfunctional.

Now, her mom (my classmate) is in her late 50s, her daughter is 30-something and she is finally starting to see the mistakes that she made and she is sorry for choosing a man over her child. My point is that some women do end up seeing the light, but it can take a long time.

HubbaWubba · Dec 18th, 2007, 01:19 PM

First off, big hugs to you. I find very few crimes more heinous than sexual abuse to children. Which is what he did to you and others. How do you know he still isn't continuing this to other children? I know it can be a slippery slope, but you have to tell your mom and make her believe you. Your step father is a beast. Tell your mom you don't want him anywhere near you and if you can get the other people he molested to join you when you tell her, it will be better. The only place this guy should be going for xmas is jail.

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:08 PM	#1
H&H Dutch in the USA Location: USA and Amsterdam	What am I going to do This is very personal... but also it is sort of 'easy' to post here. My family is over from Holland... My mom & grandmom.. I love them dearly and want them to be the wonderful grandmother(s) for my kids... BUT... when I was young... my dad died when I was 5... my mom remarried... and he was MEAN.. capital. he hit me... he abused me.. he sexually how do you call it.. came to me... it never came to something... I run off when I was 12... I didn't see my stephdad and my mom for years... now that I have kids I want to have a family I know my mom is sweet.... so I said after I was 5 monts pregnant.. please come in my life NOT your husband, but it sort of breaks me apart... why WHY did she stay with this man?

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:11 PM	#2
H&H Dutch in the USA Location: USA and Amsterdam	Re: What am I going to do Should I confront her? It is hard thing for me to do?

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:21 PM	#3
Sweetpea83 Happy Holidays!	Re: What am I going to do I say you should sit her down and tell her...I'm sure as a mother she will come to terms what that awful man did..and maybe seperate from him. Keep us updated. __________________ The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.- Bertrand Russell

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:25 PM	#4
candace117 Pirate Trash Location: Hardcorvallis	Re: What am I going to do HH!!! <3 thank you for sharing that...what a monster of a man. It's hard to understand why our mothers do things... Did you ever talk to her about what your stepdad did to you??? I know people do try to talk to their mom about what is going on when it is happening and the mother blames them or doesn't believe them, so that makes it hard...and I can't identify with that because I would be so heartbroken to see my child suffering. I just offer my love and if you need to talk more please PM me <3 __________________ "With so much drama in the L-B-C, it's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double G."

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:25 PM	#5
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	Re: What am I going to do Honey, this is complicated. You would think a mother would always protect her children from an abusive man, whether it's father, stepfather, boyfriend, etc., but often they choose to stay. Many reasons--fear of being alone, shame for not protecting you, fear of financial insecurity...... I would say keep your expectations low when you tell her how you feel.. I'm wishing for the best for you both.

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:43 PM	#6
jellybebe Back to school! Location: Canada	Re: What am I going to do This is an extremely difficult situation. You should talk to your mom only if you think she is ready to talk and if you are prepared to accept whatever she is going to do. She may not leave him or even get angry at him. Many women are defined by their relationships with men and are controlled by them to some extent - it's very complex. Best of luck, sounds like you are doing much better now. __________________ Wish List: LV Farandole bracelet (WL) LV pink scuba pochette (WL) white Balenciaga City with GGH (?) Prada E/W Gauffre

Dec 18th, 2007, 12:50 PM	#7
H&H Dutch in the USA Location: USA and Amsterdam	Re: What am I going to do Yes I tried to talk to her couple times... the time when I run off. My stephdad came to me and asked me if it was anything he did... My mom at that time run off too... we talked... she wanted to know WHAT happened... i was embarrassed. does it really mather???? in my opinion everything small or big... is discusting... he said I was seducing him.... at age 9??? she sort of believed that...

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:01 PM	#9
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: What am I going to do Honestly some women are just weak. They are so blinded by love, or feel they can't be without him, that they just ignore things. Your story reminds be of my grandma. She remarried while my mom and her sisters was young. Her husband also came on to my mom and ALL of my aunts. My grandma didn't want to beleive it. Now my grandma is probably the sweetest person I know. She is also the weakest. For whatever reason she would/could not believe this about her husband. __________________

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:02 PM	#10
H&H Dutch in the USA Location: USA and Amsterdam	Re: What am I going to do This is sort of therapeutic .... =I needed to think of my answer.... I can't help my mom... I tried to... SO in another subject. could I help anyone?

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:10 PM	#12
candace117 Pirate Trash Location: Hardcorvallis	Re: What am I going to do HH, you just need to remember that you are a strong and beautiful woman, and mother. I LOVED watching your part of the thread when you had Tallulah. You're classy and graceful and everything awesome. __________________ "With so much drama in the L-B-C, it's kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double G."

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:11 PM	#13
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: What am I going to do What a real piece of Sh#t you step father is. What did your mom say about coming into her grandkids life?? Is she happy about that? Is she willing to do it WITHOUT her husband involved?? __________________

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:11 PM	#14
jellybebe Back to school! Location: Canada	Re: What am I going to do Well there is a woman in my program who I'm good friends with and she sort of did something like this - she fell in love with a man after she divorced her first husband and moved in with him and made her daughter move in with them too. Her daughter felt very unhappy for many years. I'm not sure if the boyfriend did anything to the daughter, but she was unhappy and blamed her mother. Her life became very dysfunctional. Now, her mom (my classmate) is in her late 50s, her daughter is 30-something and she is finally starting to see the mistakes that she made and she is sorry for choosing a man over her child. My point is that some women do end up seeing the light, but it can take a long time. __________________ Wish List: LV Farandole bracelet (WL) LV pink scuba pochette (WL) white Balenciaga City with GGH (?) Prada E/W Gauffre

Dec 18th, 2007, 01:19 PM	#15
HubbaWubba Sofa King Banned	Re: What am I going to do First off, big hugs to you. I find very few crimes more heinous than sexual abuse to children. Which is what he did to you and others. How do you know he still isn't continuing this to other children? I know it can be a slippery slope, but you have to tell your mom and make her believe you. Your step father is a beast. Tell your mom you don't want him anywhere near you and if you can get the other people he molested to join you when you tell her, it will be better. The only place this guy should be going for xmas is jail.