What am I to do? Very sad....r/o

Lieu · Jun 28th, 2008, 01:52 PM

Hi friends,
I'll try to make this short as possible. While I was pregnant, my MIL pawned her son around mid Dec.'07, who by the way has Downs Syn., over here for me to take care of. I had my very first child in Feb.08 (C-sec) and she did not come to pick him up until Apr.2nd!!!!!!!! Of course I could not care for him after the birth of my child, so MY MOM had to. Anyway...here lies the problem...MIL wants to bring her son here Thanksgiving until Feb. of the next year to stay with us. I'm so aggravated! How do I say "No!" nicely? My husband does not take care of him and its his brother. My MIL lives in the west coast and I live in TX. I don't want to sound or be selfish but I can't help it. I was so depressed after the pregnancy over this matter and I just kept it bottled up inside. I want to scream now!! One more thing, I am catholic and she is not, so she is against me baptising my child. My hubby is not Catholic either so he said he wants our child to wait until he is 18 so he can choose. I think he only says this to please his mom. Please give me advance on how I should approach her. Am I being unreasonable? I'm like Monica Gellar on "Friends" (always wanting to please others before myself) My MIL's reason for dropping him off here is so she can go to Buddhist retreats and do things for the temple. I feel she needs to make her son her #1priority.

eviemarie · Jun 28th, 2008, 01:58 PM

i am sorry but you have to be strong. You have to say no way to her. I cqan't belive she would expect you too. It very mean if you ask me!! I also think that the baptising issue is one you an your husband need to discuss together. if it is really important to you an you tell him this he will understand surley??
Is he scared of his mom?
x
xx

Lieu · Jun 28th, 2008, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eviemarie

i am sorry but you have to be strong. You have to say no way to her. I cqan't belive she would expect you too. It very mean if you ask me!! I also think that the baptising issue is one you an your husband need to discuss together. if it is really important to you an you tell him this he will understand surley??
Is he scared of his mom?
x
xx

He is scared of upsetting her, but he has to understand that he is upsetting me while trying to make his mom happy.

juneping · Jun 28th, 2008, 02:12 PM

i am sorry to hear that.
it's very bad that your DH is in the middle and he really can't do anything. if i were you i would tell you DH that you don't like the fact that of taking care of 2 ppl b/c it's out of your hand...you simply are not capable of doing so...after all you were not a super nanny b4 you got married and you are depressed now. if he is not going to say something to you MIL..you will. tell him that.
i don't think you are being unreasonable, you MIL is. what's up w/ her??
i am just suspecting if after you say no and you MIL still comes to thanksgiving and take off w/ out her son???...is she capable of doing so?? i also can see your MIL maybe needed a break but she seemed to pick the worst time..why?? did she just like to pick on you??

boxermom · Jun 28th, 2008, 02:43 PM

Gosh, so many questions about this situation. Does your MIL have no one else to help? Does her son attend school? How old is he? she should be looking into services for her child including respite, but expecting YOU to care for him for months at a time is completely OUT OF LINE! And your dh needs to man up and defend you and tell his mom the truth, with love.

Secondly, about the baptism issue. If you think it works to wait till a child is 18 and they will decide what religion they want to follow, the result will be NO religious affiliation because it was never a part of their lives. This exact thing happened to my dil. Her mom left the catholic church and wanted her kids to decide for themselves. Well, she and her brother knew nothing about organized religion and felt like strangers in any church and opted for nothing. She still has never been baptised but she wants her kids baptised. It's not a good route, IMO.

Lieu · Jun 28th, 2008, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boxermom

Gosh, so many questions about this situation. Does your MIL have no one else to help? Does her son attend school? How old is he? she should be looking into services for her child including respite, but expecting YOU to care for him for months at a time is completely OUT OF LINE! And your dh needs to man up and defend you and tell his mom the truth, with love.

Secondly, about the baptism issue. If you think it works to wait till a child is 18 and they will decide what religion they want to follow, the result will be NO religious affiliation because it was never a part of their lives. This exact thing happened to my dil. Her mom left the catholic church and wanted her kids to decide for themselves. Well, she and her brother knew nothing about organized religion and felt like strangers in any church and opted for nothing. She still has never been baptised but she wants her kids baptised. It's not a good route, IMO.

My brother-in-law with Down's Syndrome is 30 years old. He does not attend school. When he is in my care, I feed, bathe him, etc. When he stayed with us, we had just bought our new home, he wasn't familiar with the layout of the house, so in the middle of the night, he poo'ed everywhere in his room and bathroom. Yes, he even has a room in my home when he comes down. I just feel it isn't my responsibility to care for him months at a time. I just want this time to be with my husband and son, is that too much to ask? My husband doesn't help out with caring for him at all. Its either me or my mom.

boxermom · Jun 28th, 2008, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lieu

My brother-in-law with Down's Syndrome is 30 years old. He does not attend school. When he is in my care, I feed, bathe him, etc. When he stayed with us, we had just bought our new home, he wasn't familiar with the layout of the house, so in the middle of the night, he poo'ed everywhere in his room and bathroom. Yes, he even has a room in my home when he comes down. I just feel it isn't my responsibility to care for him months at a time. I just want this time to be with my husband and son, is that too much to ask? My husband doesn't help out with caring for him at all. Its either me or my mom.

OK, so he's an adult but needs care as if he were much younger. How on earth does your MIL and dh think this is in any way your responsibility??? It isn't! You have your own responsibilities. You are not asking too much. It certainly isn't your mother's responsibility either. what planet are these people living on?

I'm sorry, but I'm so angry for you

. Somehow you need to get your husband on your side (where he should be) and stand up to MIL. It's too much work for you. HE needs to say that too. This is so unfair.

I don't know where you live, but there should be programs for people like your brother-in-law and maybe group homes. If it's getting too much for MIL now, she'll be expecting you to take him when she can't care at all for him. Find a social services agency that deals with this type of situation and see what's available. There may be group homes where he could live in a supervised setting. They may have waiting lists and lots of paperwork. I have to think there are better ways to deal with this and plans need to be made for the future. You are not everyone's caretaker and it's wrong for mil and your husband to put you in this position.

Good luck, my dear. I think you're going to need it with the family abusing your kindness like they are.

Lieu · Jun 28th, 2008, 04:44 PM

Thank you for everyones advice.

rainrowan · Jun 28th, 2008, 08:23 PM

What is your MIL is thinking? How could she leave a disabled person in your care right after you've just given birth?! You should be the one receiving care instead.

You are not selfish. I understand your MIL's side too but it is very unfair to expect you to take on such a burden. She's had to take care of her son for the past 30 years and she's probably just emotionally spent from literally half a lifetime of caring for a child with a disability. A 30 year old man who has DS should be placed in a residential facility.

I have a small child who is special needs and cannot imagine placing him in the care of any one else right now. He has not been out of my sight for more than a couple of hours since he was born. No one from my family wants to take care of him, so I can get a break, not even for a couple of days which is all I ask for. I am mentally wiped but I have accepted it and make the best of it. I would never ask a relative or babysitter to watch my child for more than a day. I simply think it is unfair to do so. We are now applying for aid like hospice/respite and other services through our state.

The thing you need to get your DH to do immediately is to help his mother get this young man to a residential facility or another type of assistance. They should look into their state's government agency and go through the process of getting a competent hospice or respite worker to come and care for this young man, not you! I must say I am a bit disappointed in your dh's lack of assistance -- cares so little about you and your newborn's well being? I don't know your BIL, but I don't think you can handle a disabled adult male should he ever fly off the handle...

Please go here and find the services in your mother's state of residence
National Association .... Developmental Disabilities Services

or simply find the Department of Mental Retardation or Developmental Disabilities website for the particular state. If you need some guidance, please PM me...

Lieu · Jun 28th, 2008, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainrowan

What is your MIL is thinking? How could she leave a disabled person in your care right after you've just given birth?! You should be the one receiving care instead.

You are not selfish. I understand your MIL's side too but it is very unfair to expect you to take on such a burden. She's had to take care of her son for the past 30 years and she's probably just emotionally spent from literally half a lifetime of caring for a child with a disability. A 30 year old man who has DS should be placed in a residential facility.

I have a small child who is special needs and cannot imagine placing him in the care of any one else right now. He has not been out of my sight for more than a couple of hours since he was born. No one from my family wants to take care of him, so I can get a break, not even for a couple of days which is all I ask for. I am mentally wiped but I have accepted it and make the best of it. I would never ask a relative or babysitter to watch my child for more than a day. I simply think it is unfair to do so. We are now applying for aid like hospice/respite and other services through our state.

The thing you need to get your DH to do immediately is to help his mother get this young man to a residential facility or another type of assistance. They should look into their state's government agency and go through the process of getting a competent hospice or respite worker to come and care for this young man, not you! I must say I am a bit disappointed in your dh's lack of assistance -- cares so little about you and your newborn's well being? I don't know your BIL, but I don't think you can handle a disabled adult male should he ever fly off the handle...

Please go here and find the services in your mother's state of residence
National Association .... Developmental Disabilities Services

or simply find the Department of Mental Retardation or Developmental Disabilities website for the particular state. If you need some guidance, please PM me...

Thank you everyone for your advice!!

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 28th, 2008, 09:37 PM

i agree wit rainrowen, BIL needs to be in a residential facility if there is no one available to take care of him.

with the issue of baptizing your son. i feel like i lean towards what DH says. my family never pushed anything on me, and i chose myself. and i love the way i did it. i DID end up the same religion as my family, but i found it on my own. and i love it!! best of luck!!

lovinalotofbags · Jun 28th, 2008, 09:41 PM

ITA with the above. You also need to stand up for yourself b/c it looks like no one else will. That was a huge responsibility she put on you, what never. Say something and say it soon she can make alternate arrangements. That is her son to take care of.

Veelyn · Jun 29th, 2008, 02:13 PM

It is not your responsibility to care for your BIL. Period. I'm sure your MIL knows that, but you also must tell her. Plus, you have YOUR child to take care of.

BTW- Why does MIL have BIL stay there??

About the baptism- That is something that you and your DH must discuss privately. Only you two can decide that and HOPEFULLY he is not saying what he is saying bc of MIL.

galligator · Jun 29th, 2008, 02:31 PM

On the baptism. You obviously need to let DH know how important it is to you. As a former Catholic, I understand how important infant baptism is for you. A lot of Protestant faiths only have adult baptism & don't understand your belief that an infant needs to be baptised to cleanse away original sin & leave the soul clean as a protection for a baby. Catholic belief is that babies who die unbaptised are subject to a state of limbo and cannot immediately enter heaven. You might want to explain how Catholic Confirmation is much like Adult Baptism & that your child will still have a choice to confirm, or not, in the Catholic faith. If Baptism is a sacrament you feel strongly about, you need to fight for it - religious issues can be very contentious in a marriage, but if you just let other people make decisions for you, it's going to eat you up inside & affect your marriage & family one way or another. You definitely need to talk seriously about this with hubby so that you both can be happy with whatever choice you make.

keya · Jun 29th, 2008, 03:18 PM

I think it's completely unacceptable for your MIL to expect you to care for her son several for several months at a time! If I were you I would say 'NO!' politely, but firmly. Actually, it should be your husband telling her, not you! HE should stand up to her and say that the two of you have more than enough with your own family and that you cannot take on your BIL as well. Tell her that if she cannot look after him, she should get him into a residential facility, and that it is not your responsibility to care for him. If she gets nasty or tries to guilt you into doing it, I'd remind her that she left him with you while you were going through childbirth / a c-section and while handling a newborn, and that your mother ended up having to look after your BIL, which is not at all acceptable! I'm angry for you that she would even ask.

Jun 28th, 2008, 02:12 PM	#4
juneping couch potato-ing Location: NYC	i am sorry to hear that. it's very bad that your DH is in the middle and he really can't do anything. if i were you i would tell you DH that you don't like the fact that of taking care of 2 ppl b/c it's out of your hand...you simply are not capable of doing so...after all you were not a super nanny b4 you got married and you are depressed now. if he is not going to say something to you MIL..you will. tell him that. i don't think you are being unreasonable, you MIL is. what's up w/ her?? i am just suspecting if after you say no and you MIL still comes to thanksgiving and take off w/ out her son???...is she capable of doing so?? i also can see your MIL maybe needed a break but she seemed to pick the worst time..why?? did she just like to pick on you?? __________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off

Jun 28th, 2008, 09:37 PM	#11
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	i agree wit rainrowen, BIL needs to be in a residential facility if there is no one available to take care of him. with the issue of baptizing your son. i feel like i lean towards what DH says. my family never pushed anything on me, and i chose myself. and i love the way i did it. i DID end up the same religion as my family, but i found it on my own. and i love it!! best of luck!! __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!

Jun 28th, 2008, 09:41 PM	#12
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	ITA with the above. You also need to stand up for yourself b/c it looks like no one else will. That was a huge responsibility she put on you, what never. Say something and say it soon she can make alternate arrangements. That is her son to take care of. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 29th, 2008, 02:13 PM	#13
Veelyn ♥ Bill ♥ Location: The Zou!	It is not your responsibility to care for your BIL. Period. I'm sure your MIL knows that, but you also must tell her. Plus, you have YOUR child to take care of. BTW- Why does MIL have BIL stay there?? About the baptism- That is something that you and your DH must discuss privately. Only you two can decide that and HOPEFULLY he is not saying what he is saying bc of MIL. __________________ ANIMAL CRUELTY IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE!! *PLEASE HELP GET JUSTICE FOR KARLEY!* *SIGN THE PETITION TODAY!* http://justice4karley.com/upcoming_events_3.html

Jun 28th, 2008, 01:52 PM	#1
Lieu Member	What am I to do? Very sad....r/o Hi friends, I'll try to make this short as possible. While I was pregnant, my MIL pawned her son around mid Dec.'07, who by the way has Downs Syn., over here for me to take care of. I had my very first child in Feb.08 (C-sec) and she did not come to pick him up until Apr.2nd!!!!!!!! Of course I could not care for him after the birth of my child, so MY MOM had to. Anyway...here lies the problem...MIL wants to bring her son here Thanksgiving until Feb. of the next year to stay with us. I'm so aggravated! How do I say "No!" nicely? My husband does not take care of him and its his brother. My MIL lives in the west coast and I live in TX. I don't want to sound or be selfish but I can't help it. I was so depressed after the pregnancy over this matter and I just kept it bottled up inside. I want to scream now!! One more thing, I am catholic and she is not, so she is against me baptising my child. My hubby is not Catholic either so he said he wants our child to wait until he is 18 so he can choose. I think he only says this to please his mom. Please give me advance on how I should approach her. Am I being unreasonable? I'm like Monica Gellar on "Friends" (always wanting to please others before myself) My MIL's reason for dropping him off here is so she can go to Buddhist retreats and do things for the temple. I feel she needs to make her son her #1priority.

Jun 28th, 2008, 01:58 PM	#2
eviemarie www.designerclothing Location: Stratford Upon Avon	i am sorry but you have to be strong. You have to say no way to her. I cqan't belive she would expect you too. It very mean if you ask me!! I also think that the baptising issue is one you an your husband need to discuss together. if it is really important to you an you tell him this he will understand surley?? Is he scared of his mom? x xx

Jun 28th, 2008, 02:43 PM	#5
boxermom Member Location: North Carolina	Gosh, so many questions about this situation. Does your MIL have no one else to help? Does her son attend school? How old is he? she should be looking into services for her child including respite, but expecting YOU to care for him for months at a time is completely OUT OF LINE! And your dh needs to man up and defend you and tell his mom the truth, with love. Secondly, about the baptism issue. If you think it works to wait till a child is 18 and they will decide what religion they want to follow, the result will be NO religious affiliation because it was never a part of their lives. This exact thing happened to my dil. Her mom left the catholic church and wanted her kids to decide for themselves. Well, she and her brother knew nothing about organized religion and felt like strangers in any church and opted for nothing. She still has never been baptised but she wants her kids baptised. It's not a good route, IMO.

Jun 28th, 2008, 04:44 PM	#8
Lieu Member	Thank you for everyones advice.

Jun 28th, 2008, 08:23 PM	#9
rainrowan INFJ	What is your MIL is thinking? How could she leave a disabled person in your care right after you've just given birth?! You should be the one receiving care instead. You are not selfish. I understand your MIL's side too but it is very unfair to expect you to take on such a burden. She's had to take care of her son for the past 30 years and she's probably just emotionally spent from literally half a lifetime of caring for a child with a disability. A 30 year old man who has DS should be placed in a residential facility. I have a small child who is special needs and cannot imagine placing him in the care of any one else right now. He has not been out of my sight for more than a couple of hours since he was born. No one from my family wants to take care of him, so I can get a break, not even for a couple of days which is all I ask for. I am mentally wiped but I have accepted it and make the best of it. I would never ask a relative or babysitter to watch my child for more than a day. I simply think it is unfair to do so. We are now applying for aid like hospice/respite and other services through our state. The thing you need to get your DH to do immediately is to help his mother get this young man to a residential facility or another type of assistance. They should look into their state's government agency and go through the process of getting a competent hospice or respite worker to come and care for this young man, not you! I must say I am a bit disappointed in your dh's lack of assistance -- cares so little about you and your newborn's well being? I don't know your BIL, but I don't think you can handle a disabled adult male should he ever fly off the handle... Please go here and find the services in your mother's state of residence National Association .... Developmental Disabilities Services or simply find the Department of Mental Retardation or Developmental Disabilities website for the particular state. If you need some guidance, please PM me...

Jun 29th, 2008, 02:31 PM	#14
galligator Mostly Harmless	On the baptism. You obviously need to let DH know how important it is to you. As a former Catholic, I understand how important infant baptism is for you. A lot of Protestant faiths only have adult baptism & don't understand your belief that an infant needs to be baptised to cleanse away original sin & leave the soul clean as a protection for a baby. Catholic belief is that babies who die unbaptised are subject to a state of limbo and cannot immediately enter heaven. You might want to explain how Catholic Confirmation is much like Adult Baptism & that your child will still have a choice to confirm, or not, in the Catholic faith. If Baptism is a sacrament you feel strongly about, you need to fight for it - religious issues can be very contentious in a marriage, but if you just let other people make decisions for you, it's going to eat you up inside & affect your marriage & family one way or another. You definitely need to talk seriously about this with hubby so that you both can be happy with whatever choice you make.

Jun 29th, 2008, 03:18 PM	#15
keya Member	I think it's completely unacceptable for your MIL to expect you to care for her son several for several months at a time! If I were you I would say 'NO!' politely, but firmly. Actually, it should be your husband telling her, not you! HE should stand up to her and say that the two of you have more than enough with your own family and that you cannot take on your BIL as well. Tell her that if she cannot look after him, she should get him into a residential facility, and that it is not your responsibility to care for him. If she gets nasty or tries to guilt you into doing it, I'd remind her that she left him with you while you were going through childbirth / a c-section and while handling a newborn, and that your mother ended up having to look after your BIL, which is not at all acceptable! I'm angry for you that she would even ask.