Weighty Issue?

orinoco · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:23 AM

My SO's gaining weight like crazy.. and its BUGGING ME... now, before you come down hard on me, this thread might not be what u think... so please hear me out, hope you would take the time to read all of this, and i would love opinions and advice

. this isn't a physical issue, more a psychological one.

i was reading Caxe's thread and i guess u can say it inspired me... well, with the holiday seasons and all, me and my SO (we've just recently decided to give our 'relationship a trial run for real, since having it on off for 3 years), we're basically looong time friends, he's also a family friend.. he was my cousin's best friend.. so, in other words, this xmas we got to visit a lot of xmas gatherings with plenty of old friends.

Now my SOs around his late 20s, i myself am turning 22 in a couple of months. He's very good looking, and have always been well built, with broad shoulders and a muscular chest. i'm not too shabby looking either

.

So the things is... i think in the last year or so, he's packed on roughly about 40 pounds. Now i can honestly say i really don't mind his physical appearance, in fact, i think he looks more loved and vulnerable this way, less of the 'player' type, and i find it more sexy, really

. However, aside from the health issue (exercise and heathy food i know), THIS is what really bugs me... his lack of self esteem.

we women (i'm sure u'd all agree) love confident men. He's always been very self assured, sometimes almost arrogant really, but now, he seems more unsure of himself. i've noticed at the parties when old friends ask why he's gained so much weight, he'd usually joke and shrug it off with a comment like "I've already got a beautiful girlfriend there's no need for me to keep that up". but i can tell it bugs him, especially when a guy gives me the eye or worse hits on me in front of him.

Sooo HE actually confronted me with it the other day (albeit jokingly, don't u just love how men always veil the most crucial discussions with bad humour???

).. he asked if i'm ever attracted to these cookie cutter jocks who hits on me. and i did my best to reassure him, that i love him the way he is, and i still find him DAMMMMNN hot! and reinforced it with a lil *ahem* session

afterwards.

Now, i'm a psych major... i did my best in trying to make things better! but it seems to have gotten worse!

he's getting clingy and more unsure of himself, needing constant positive feedbacks more and more often... i feel like i have to URGE him to do anything! AND HE's THE ONE WHO TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS FIRST NOWADAYS!!

i hate to say this... but i'm starting to get a bit turned off by this behaviour...

GUYS don't hesitate to give me your opinions!! anything at all..!!! personal experiences etc...

Wentworth-Roth · Dec 27th, 2007, 06:40 AM

Why did he gain so much weight in the first place? Was it gradual or all of a sudden? Your main post does not mention the reason(s).

Anyway, weight increase and lack of self-esteem can create a vicious cycle.

orinoco · Dec 27th, 2007, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wentworth-Roth

Why did he gain so much weight in the first place? Was it gradual or all of a sudden? Your main post does not mention the reason(s).

Anyway, weight increase and lack of self-esteem can create a vicious cycle.

i would say lifestyle change. He's a businessman.. so when we weren't dating he'd spend his free time 'networking', which usually means drinks and not much food. + he's a lazy guy, if he spent the day out and got home, it's damn near impossible to make him get out again, not even for food. he doesn't cook, so those days he just pretty much was too lazy to make an effort to eat properly.

Now either i cook, or i bring him food, i keep him fed. He's always had a huge appetite, especially if food came easily to him, but now i guess i've just made it too easy.
although his weight fluctuates... he's been steadily gaining for the last year or so...

QueenOfDa702 · Dec 27th, 2007, 07:40 AM

Hmmm, I guess Im in a little different situation. My SO is "a hefty bag, but a sexy one" as he refers to himself lol! But, when we first got together he ALWAYS came to me with questions like your SO has been asking. I reassured him that "if I didnt want to be with you, I wouldnt be here" which is the total truth.

I think if his weight gain and the self confidence issue is bothering you, you need to tell him about it. My SO and I are VERY open about his weight(and mine) and we work out TOGETHER, we eat right TOGETHER. You say that you are the one cooking, but, what exactly are you feeding him that he is gaining weight like that?

I also do most of the cooking, my meals consist of lots and LOTS of green veggies(sometimes 2 different veggies in one serving!), protein(usually steak or chicken) which is ALWAYS baked or grilled. We dont eat starches for dinner because they are harder to burn off, and they will stick with you until you go to bed, which isnt good. The main thing is changing his diet, he might not like it...but if you are the one cooking(and eating the same stuff as he is) he will have to deal with it. Tell him 2008 is a new, healthier year

I hope I made sense. I have the worst habit of posting on tPF when Im dead tired!

orinoco · Dec 27th, 2007, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by QueenOfDa702

Hmmm, I guess Im in a little different situation. My SO is "a hefty bag, but a sexy one" as he refers to himself lol! But, when we first got together he ALWAYS came to me with questions like your SO has been asking. I reassured him that "if I didnt want to be with you, I wouldnt be here" which is the total truth.

I think if his weight gain and the self confidence issue is bothering you, you need to tell him about it. My SO and I are VERY open about his weight(and mine) and we work out TOGETHER, we eat right TOGETHER. You say that you are the one cooking, but, what exactly are you feeding him that he is gaining weight like that?

I also do most of the cooking, my meals consist of lots and LOTS of green veggies(sometimes 2 different veggies in one serving!), protein(usually steak or chicken) which is ALWAYS baked or grilled. We dont eat starches for dinner because they are harder to burn off, and they will stick with you until you go to bed, which isnt good. The main thing is changing his diet, he might not like it...but if you are the one cooking(and eating the same stuff as he is) he will have to deal with it. Tell him 2008 is a new, healthier year

I hope I made sense. I have the worst habit of posting on tPF when Im dead tired!

ok i'll be honest... half the time we order in for food... but although we usually have decent healthy meals(sushi etc), i think his problems are in portions. Also, he has a very high stress job, when he's home from work, or with me, he's always 'unwinding', and its always difficult for me to start a conversation on something like eating healthier in the midst of that, KWIM?

when he's had a rough day and he asks me to bring some pizza or burgers over... its so hard to say no! like wentworth said.. it's a vicious cycle! oh and he can't stop munching!!!!!!!!!! he's constantly snacking on something!!!

QueenOfDa702 · Dec 27th, 2007, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orinoco

ok i'll be honest... half the time we order in for food... but although we usually have decent healthy meals(sushi etc), i think his problems are in portions. Also, he has a very high stress job, when he's home from work, or with me, he's always 'unwinding', and its always difficult for me to start a conversation on something like eating healthier in the midst of that, KWIM?

when he's had a rough day and he asks me to bring some pizza or burgers over... its so hard to say no! like wentworth said.. it's a vicious cycle! oh and he can't stop munching!!!!!!!!!! he's constantly snacking on something!!!

OK, it really is a life change, and its NOT easy! We went from eating at least one candy bar a day, to no chocolate in the house at all! We used to have Ice Cream and all types of crap at our house. Now, we dont keep any unhealthy foods in the house, out of site out of mind, right?

With the munchies there are alternative things to buy. We *used* to have chips and popcorn and a bunch of CRAP to munch on. Instead, we now buy nuts, the kind you have to crack open yourself(more work to get to one nut, instead of eating the whole dang can of peanuts lol), we have loose Granola, Trail Mix, hmm..I can think of anything else, but there is more. You can find a lot of great things in the organic grocery stores.

As far as ordering out, I took a LOT of heat for saying "No!" when we first started the "health kick" lol. He used to get sooo pissed at me! But, its something you gotta do(I know, I sound like a broken record

).

Also, portions arent really as much of a big deal as what you are eating. I know that sounds crazy, but its the truth. Different things work for different people, but as far as we've learned(and what his nutritionist has told us) portion control isnt really a big deal. I mean, think about it...there cant be too much wrong in eating 4 pounds(no, we dont eat that much, but I like to exaggerate lol) of veggies. Oh, and we also cut up carrots and celery to much on.

fiatflux · Dec 27th, 2007, 09:33 AM

Just change your own habits and hopefully he will follow...like, if he asks for burgers or pizza...say that you are trying to adopt healthier eating habits for yourself this year and don't want to be tempted. Definitely focus on YOURSELF and what YOU want to do rather than what HE "needs" to do (because the latter will only too likely lead to feelings of resentment). Also, even if you are getting relatively "healthy" takeout most of the time, the tendency is to eat more in quantity when you get takeout (or when you go to a restaurant). Also, exercise -- YOU join a gym or start walking every day ... and try to encourage him to come with you because you want his company.

bellafleur · Dec 27th, 2007, 03:31 PM

^fiatflux, I really like your answer about orinoco focusing on herself first. I'm sure you don't need to change much about yourself, but this a really delicate situation. I know this, because I'm on the recieving end of it now. My husband and I are going through a lot (see my thread), and one of his main complaints is that I have gained 10-15 pounds in the last few years, making me a hefty size 8. Yeah, I don't think I'm so hefty, but he makes comments about it all the time, while taking absolutely no initiative to change anything about himself. It makes me feel like absolute crap. I'm not trying to loose my self esteem over it because I know he is wrong, but it still really hurts. I think it's dangerous to tell him how you feel about his weight. What might work is to talk very lovingly with him about his self esteem, and let him tie it into his weight. If he brings it up, I think it's fair for you to be honest and gentle.

lolitakali · Dec 27th, 2007, 03:59 PM

Well... I gained 20 plus pounds because my Dad's death upsets me and I went back to SG and went bonkers on food (I eat when I get depressed).

My DH still loved me the way I am even though with that depression and weight gain, I was not my normal "pretty" self as he has to put up with my "boogers" and "tears". My DH races road bikes and is in awesome shape (athletic); his whole family (three generations) runs Marathons together... I hear not a word of complaint from him except encouragements. This last summer, he gave me a Gym membership and made it our lifestyle to be (greener, more natural) healthier for my B day. I have lost that 20 plus pounds I put on since. I felt that 100% ++ love from him when I was not even taking care of myself (0%) from my part.

He's been there, done that with me throughout...

I have a heart murmur, my DH also have heart problems when he was a baby.... just get a gym membership for the 2 of you, and tell him that it is a lifestyle that you want to up keep for that "healthier" you and him. If it is just for health, I'm sure he will understand.

devoted · Dec 27th, 2007, 04:02 PM

Be honest with him, tell him you have absolutely no problem with his weight and that you're still physically attracted to him BUT his constant insecurity is bothering you and it will only get worse unless he does something about it. Either he gets a magic self-esteem boost or he starts working out.

orinoco · Dec 27th, 2007, 05:25 PM

hm.... i DO have a gym membership... and so does he. The thing is, we don't live together, so we won't really have the day-to-day relationship for me to make that much of an impact using the 'us' strategy.
I'm in university and he's working, the usual routine is on the weekdays i drop by at this place after school and cook/or prepare food, clean up a lil bit for him and then toddle off. i don't always stay... and every other week he goes overseas on business. so basically our lives are pretty separate.

queenda, u're right... i'm going to try get him to eat healthier.

*sigh* and he's got one helluva temper too! this isn't going to be easy...

fiatflux and bellafleur maybe i'll try get us to do more activities during the weekend, and insist he accompanies me on them.

lolitakali so sorry about your dad

. i eat when i get depressed too..

but i try substituting it with working out!

but girls... i'm pretty sure he's going to notice that i'm pushing him harder to work out... wouldn't that have a negative impact on his self esteem too?

what do i say when he gets all "you're trying to change me. i thought u said u loved me the way i am"?

lv_forever · Dec 28th, 2007, 02:09 AM

If he's always been a physically fit guy, the weight gain would make him self-conscious. I think you are in a good position to help him out to get him back to shape, like others have pointed out...
As far as his reaction goes, I would just tell him straight up that it has nothing to do with his appearance. The weight gain made HIM unhappy, and because you love him, you are just trying your best to keep your man happy.

orinoco · Dec 28th, 2007, 03:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lv_forever

If he's always been a physically fit guy, the weight gain would make him self-conscious. I think you are in a good position to help him out to get him back to shape, like others have pointed out...
As far as his reaction goes, I would just tell him straight up that it has nothing to do with his appearance. The weight gain made HIM unhappy, and because you love him, you are just trying your best to keep your man happy.

OH!!! GOOD CALL...!!!

thanks!

QueenOfDa702 · Dec 28th, 2007, 07:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orinoco

hm.... i DO have a gym membership... and so does he. The thing is, we don't live together, so we won't really have the day-to-day relationship for me to make that much of an impact using the 'us' strategy.
I'm in university and he's working, the usual routine is on the weekdays i drop by at this place after school and cook/or prepare food, clean up a lil bit for him and then toddle off. i don't always stay... and every other week he goes overseas on business. so basically our lives are pretty separate.

queenda, u're right... i'm going to try get him to eat healthier.

*sigh* and he's got one helluva temper too! this isn't going to be easy...

fiatflux and bellafleur maybe i'll try get us to do more activities during the weekend, and insist he accompanies me on them.

lolitakali so sorry about your dad

. i eat when i get depressed too..

but i try substituting it with working out!

but girls... i'm pretty sure he's going to notice that i'm pushing him harder to work out... wouldn't that have a negative impact on his self esteem too? what do i say when he gets all "you're trying to change me. i thought u said u loved me the way i am"?

Hmm...what about, "No, Im trying to change myself, and my own eating habits. I just want you to do it with me, so its easier on me." I think, if you sound like the one who needs the "help" he will be more willing to change with you, rather than for you.

When we go to the grocery store, my SO sometimes tries to sneak junk in the cart(yea, like a 5 year old lol). When I catch him, I say something along the lines of, "If you get that, Im going to want one, and Im trying not to eat stuff like that" he usually says, "you're right, sorry" and takes it out of the cart. IMO it would make him feel like "less of a man" if you were to say, "Now, you know you dont need that!" although, I do have to say that sometimes. My SO and I obviously have a little different relationship than you and your SO, so its a little easier for me to "slap him on the wrist" so to speak.

So, the moral of the story is, just make it look like you are the one wanting to change. Hopefully he will want to change with you. Good luck!!

QueenOfDa702 · Dec 28th, 2007, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by orinoco

hm.... i DO have a gym membership... and so does he. The thing is, we don't live together, so we won't really have the day-to-day relationship for me to make that much of an impact using the 'us' strategy.
I'm in university and he's working, the usual routine is on the weekdays i drop by at this place after school and cook/or prepare food, clean up a lil bit for him and then toddle off. i don't always stay... and every other week he goes overseas on business. so basically our lives are pretty separate.

queenda, u're right... i'm going to try get him to eat healthier.

*sigh* and he's got one helluva temper too! this isn't going to be easy...

fiatflux and bellafleur maybe i'll try get us to do more activities during the weekend, and insist he accompanies me on them.

lolitakali so sorry about your dad

. i eat when i get depressed too..

but i try substituting it with working out!

but girls... i'm pretty sure he's going to notice that i'm pushing him harder to work out... wouldn't that have a negative impact on his self esteem too?

what do i say when he gets all "you're trying to change me. i thought u said u loved me the way i am"?

Oh crap. I just saw that. Well....that makes things a little more difficult. Ill have to get back to you on advice for that one!

Dec 27th, 2007, 06:23 AM	#1
orinoco Scrat-Nut, Rosie-Bags Location: Vancouver, BC	Weighty Issue? My SO's gaining weight like crazy.. and its BUGGING ME... now, before you come down hard on me, this thread might not be what u think... so please hear me out, hope you would take the time to read all of this, and i would love opinions and advice . this isn't a physical issue, more a psychological one. i was reading Caxe's thread and i guess u can say it inspired me... well, with the holiday seasons and all, me and my SO (we've just recently decided to give our 'relationship a trial run for real, since having it on off for 3 years), we're basically looong time friends, he's also a family friend.. he was my cousin's best friend.. so, in other words, this xmas we got to visit a lot of xmas gatherings with plenty of old friends. Now my SOs around his late 20s, i myself am turning 22 in a couple of months. He's very good looking, and have always been well built, with broad shoulders and a muscular chest. i'm not too shabby looking either . So the things is... i think in the last year or so, he's packed on roughly about 40 pounds. Now i can honestly say i really don't mind his physical appearance, in fact, i think he looks more loved and vulnerable this way, less of the 'player' type, and i find it more sexy, really. However, aside from the health issue (exercise and heathy food i know), THIS is what really bugs me... his lack of self esteem. we women (i'm sure u'd all agree) love confident men. He's always been very self assured, sometimes almost arrogant really, but now, he seems more unsure of himself. i've noticed at the parties when old friends ask why he's gained so much weight, he'd usually joke and shrug it off with a comment like "I've already got a beautiful girlfriend there's no need for me to keep that up". but i can tell it bugs him, especially when a guy gives me the eye or worse hits on me in front of him. Sooo HE actually confronted me with it the other day (albeit jokingly, don't u just love how men always veil the most crucial discussions with bad humour???).. he asked if i'm ever attracted to these cookie cutter jocks who hits on me. and i did my best to reassure him, that i love him the way he is, and i still find him DAMMMMNN hot! and reinforced it with a lil ahem session afterwards. Now, i'm a psych major... i did my best in trying to make things better! but it seems to have gotten worse! he's getting clingy and more unsure of himself, needing constant positive feedbacks more and more often... i feel like i have to URGE him to do anything! AND HE's THE ONE WHO TURNS OFF THE LIGHTS FIRST NOWADAYS!! i hate to say this... but i'm starting to get a bit turned off by this behaviour... GUYS don't hesitate to give me your opinions!! anything at all..!!! personal experiences etc...

Dec 27th, 2007, 06:40 AM	#2
Wentworth-Roth Oldtime member	Re: Weighty Issue? Why did he gain so much weight in the first place? Was it gradual or all of a sudden? Your main post does not mention the reason(s). Anyway, weight increase and lack of self-esteem can create a vicious cycle.

Dec 27th, 2007, 07:40 AM	#4
QueenOfDa702 Misunderestimated. Location: I've gone RAOKing crazy!	Re: Weighty Issue? Hmmm, I guess Im in a little different situation. My SO is "a hefty bag, but a sexy one" as he refers to himself lol! But, when we first got together he ALWAYS came to me with questions like your SO has been asking. I reassured him that "if I didnt want to be with you, I wouldnt be here" which is the total truth. I think if his weight gain and the self confidence issue is bothering you, you need to tell him about it. My SO and I are VERY open about his weight(and mine) and we work out TOGETHER, we eat right TOGETHER. You say that you are the one cooking, but, what exactly are you feeding him that he is gaining weight like that? I also do most of the cooking, my meals consist of lots and LOTS of green veggies(sometimes 2 different veggies in one serving!), protein(usually steak or chicken) which is ALWAYS baked or grilled. We dont eat starches for dinner because they are harder to burn off, and they will stick with you until you go to bed, which isnt good. The main thing is changing his diet, he might not like it...but if you are the one cooking(and eating the same stuff as he is) he will have to deal with it. Tell him 2008 is a new, healthier year I hope I made sense. I have the worst habit of posting on tPF when Im dead tired! __________________ ~Valeen~ Happy Holidays to all my tPF friends! Click HERE to visit MySpace Please help get justice for Karley! http://forum.purseblog.com/animalici...ey-385571.html

Dec 27th, 2007, 09:33 AM	#7
fiatflux Member	Re: Weighty Issue? Just change your own habits and hopefully he will follow...like, if he asks for burgers or pizza...say that you are trying to adopt healthier eating habits for yourself this year and don't want to be tempted. Definitely focus on YOURSELF and what YOU want to do rather than what HE "needs" to do (because the latter will only too likely lead to feelings of resentment). Also, even if you are getting relatively "healthy" takeout most of the time, the tendency is to eat more in quantity when you get takeout (or when you go to a restaurant). Also, exercise -- YOU join a gym or start walking every day ... and try to encourage him to come with you because you want his company. Last edited by fiatflux; Dec 27th, 2007 at 09:35 AM.

Dec 27th, 2007, 03:31 PM	#8
bellafleur Member	Re: Weighty Issue? ^fiatflux, I really like your answer about orinoco focusing on herself first. I'm sure you don't need to change much about yourself, but this a really delicate situation. I know this, because I'm on the recieving end of it now. My husband and I are going through a lot (see my thread), and one of his main complaints is that I have gained 10-15 pounds in the last few years, making me a hefty size 8. Yeah, I don't think I'm so hefty, but he makes comments about it all the time, while taking absolutely no initiative to change anything about himself. It makes me feel like absolute crap. I'm not trying to loose my self esteem over it because I know he is wrong, but it still really hurts. I think it's dangerous to tell him how you feel about his weight. What might work is to talk very lovingly with him about his self esteem, and let him tie it into his weight. If he brings it up, I think it's fair for you to be honest and gentle.

Dec 27th, 2007, 03:59 PM	#9
lolitakali Mira Location: Maryland	Re: Weighty Issue? Well... I gained 20 plus pounds because my Dad's death upsets me and I went back to SG and went bonkers on food (I eat when I get depressed). My DH still loved me the way I am even though with that depression and weight gain, I was not my normal "pretty" self as he has to put up with my "boogers" and "tears". My DH races road bikes and is in awesome shape (athletic); his whole family (three generations) runs Marathons together... I hear not a word of complaint from him except encouragements. This last summer, he gave me a Gym membership and made it our lifestyle to be (greener, more natural) healthier for my B day. I have lost that 20 plus pounds I put on since. I felt that 100% ++ love from him when I was not even taking care of myself (0%) from my part. He's been there, done that with me throughout... I have a heart murmur, my DH also have heart problems when he was a baby.... just get a gym membership for the 2 of you, and tell him that it is a lifestyle that you want to up keep for that "healthier" you and him. If it is just for health, I'm sure he will understand.

Dec 27th, 2007, 04:02 PM	#10
devoted Member	Re: Weighty Issue? Be honest with him, tell him you have absolutely no problem with his weight and that you're still physically attracted to him BUT his constant insecurity is bothering you and it will only get worse unless he does something about it. Either he gets a magic self-esteem boost or he starts working out.

Dec 27th, 2007, 05:25 PM	#11
orinoco Scrat-Nut, Rosie-Bags Location: Vancouver, BC	Re: Weighty Issue? hm.... i DO have a gym membership... and so does he. The thing is, we don't live together, so we won't really have the day-to-day relationship for me to make that much of an impact using the 'us' strategy. I'm in university and he's working, the usual routine is on the weekdays i drop by at this place after school and cook/or prepare food, clean up a lil bit for him and then toddle off. i don't always stay... and every other week he goes overseas on business. so basically our lives are pretty separate. queenda, u're right... i'm going to try get him to eat healthier. sigh and he's got one helluva temper too! this isn't going to be easy... fiatflux and bellafleur maybe i'll try get us to do more activities during the weekend, and insist he accompanies me on them. lolitakali so sorry about your dad . i eat when i get depressed too.. but i try substituting it with working out! but girls... i'm pretty sure he's going to notice that i'm pushing him harder to work out... wouldn't that have a negative impact on his self esteem too? what do i say when he gets all "you're trying to change me. i thought u said u loved me the way i am"? Last edited by orinoco; Dec 27th, 2007 at 05:28 PM.

Dec 28th, 2007, 02:09 AM	#12
lv_forever Member	Re: Weighty Issue? If he's always been a physically fit guy, the weight gain would make him self-conscious. I think you are in a good position to help him out to get him back to shape, like others have pointed out... As far as his reaction goes, I would just tell him straight up that it has nothing to do with his appearance. The weight gain made HIM unhappy, and because you love him, you are just trying your best to keep your man happy.