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MarieG · Sep 24th, 2009, 10:48 AM

Hi ladies and gents,

I am so sorry to ask for advice again and hope you aren't sick of hearing from me yet

I just really don't know what to do. I gave my ex, who left me just before our wedding over 1 year ago, another chance and he is coming to visit me in December for one month and wants to move here next spring. Ever since I decided to give him another chance I have been on an emotional rollercoaster every day. I go from being really happy and excited about him coming and being back together to really worried that he might not move here after all or change his mind again about us. All day-every day. He is not a very vocal person and rarely initiates contact but always responds to emails/smses/phone calls. Whenever I ask if we're definitely going to do this and if he's sure that he wants to spend his life with me he sayd: yes, absolutely, but he's not the kind of guy that will just write: i love you/miss you/ etc. I know he loves me but I just don't know how long I can stay in this anxious state. I am also currently job hunting so I feel like everything in my life is so unsure at the moment and I am finding it really hard to deal with. I like feeling that I am in control of a situation and immediate future and, while this is probably a good experience for me in the long run, I am finding it very hard to deal with. I used to be very decisive and clear about what I want- people always knew me for that. Now I'm suddenly 25 years old and am not able to decide what I want and what's best for me.

I am sincerely sorry for asking for advice again. Thank you so much for reading and any piece of advice is very much appreciated!

~Fabulousity~ · Sep 24th, 2009, 10:56 AM

sounds like it may be a good idea for you to step back and think about what it is YOU really want. Just because you decided to give him another chance that doesn't mean you have to rush anything. Maybe you two could move a little slower with things this may give you a chance to regain your trust in him.

amymaria · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:00 AM

hi dear,

I hope you know what you are going through, your emotions, are entirely valid. In truth, he has "left" you once and you are subconciously afraid of him doing it again. You probably need more reassurance than a simple vocal yes. There isn't much you can do but wait and see if he will live up to his word this time around.

My bf is the same with communication. If I don't initiate contact he RARELY will...I know that sometimes it drives me crazy. I always think "is he thinkin of me?" "does he miss me?" "what if i'm bothering him?" but I also know that in the back of my head/heart (whatever it is) he loves me, thinks of me and misses me. I think if you tell him that if need to see him initiate something just because you need that reassurance now (and it's totally valid you ask for this seeing your past with him) he should be able to try to give that to you without any argument.

If you know the truth about him loving you, being loyal and committed to your future but you just need to see it instead of hear it....ask.

PurseAddict79 · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:07 AM

Have you thought about counseling? The fears you have are not irrational, IMO, because they're in direct response to what he has done in the past. BUT if you're willing to give him this second chance then you have to learn how to deal with all of the emotions associated with it. I think seeing a counselor/therapist would help you. You need to learn to focus on the 'here and now' instead of the what ifs. Living your life focusing on the what ifs is insanely exhausting and overwhelming.

I hope I don't sound like a know-it-all... I don't. The only reason I say this is because I'm in a very similar position to yours. My dbf and I were together a decade ago, split up and lost contact and got back in touch and back together in March of this year. I have worries too, about him deciding (again) that he doesn't want to be with me. But then I think about all the ways he *shows* me he loves me and I redirect my focus on that.

I hope things get better for you

boxermom · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:13 AM

I read your other posts about him and your anxiety is based on what he's done in the past. If I were you I would want a long conversation with him about what happened last year---what has he learned since then? How has he changed? If your relationship contin ues and you ever need couples therapy would he be willing to work on it or would he just up and leave as he did previously?

Once someone has broken my trust, I find it hard to relax around them--it's a defense mechanism, I guess so I won't get hurt again. True forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do (and it doesn't mean what he did was ok).

To sum it up, I would want to know what has changed since last year for him, what's different?

If you have doubts, then your intuition is telling you despite the good qualities, he's not in it for the long term.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

MarieG · Sep 24th, 2009, 11:46 AM

Thank you so much for your thoughts, ladies!

Fabulousity, you are absolutely right. I should try and take it slower- it's just so hard once you're actually in that situation because we were nearly married an living together for 5+ years so I find it quite challenging to take it slow. I feel like I need to know for sure that he's sure- pretty much every day at the moment. I know it's not the right way to go about it and I try to not let him notice but it is definitely how I feel unfortunately. But I will try my best- you are definitely right

Amymaria, I know- I agree that the only way to know for sure is to wait and see. Having a very passive boyfriend makes this a lot harder though because (maybe it's also a female vs male thing) I really need assurance even if there is no way that I can get that without waiting. Its definitely a very tough situation for me... I will try to have more patience

PurseAddict79, you definitely don't sound like a know-it-all! Thank you for sharing your similar story with me, too! I have thought about counseling but given my current employment situation it's not really an option unfortunately. I might go to one or two sessions though- just to get me on the right track. How are you dealing with your situation? Are you seeking counseling? Have you been able to trust more? How long have you guys been back together?

boxermom, thank you for your input! reading your post really made me think- I hope it's not my subconscious telling me that he's not the right one... He has changed in the sense that he doesn't sound scared of commitment anymore and is coming to Europe now. Both a really big steps for him- I just hope he goes through with it...It's a very unpleasant thing to wait for

juneping · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:05 PM

i don't think we can be in control of a situation like this. the only thing you can control is you.
i do find it a little bit odd that he doesn't do the initiation of contacting you. it's the second time around and he is proving himself....i honestly think he should have tried harder. it's not exactly pick up where he left off but he is supposed to be starting from a negative ground. do i make sense to you?
i just feel from what i've been reading, he has this notion that he can come back in your life without any effort. it wasn't exactly he asked for a break and now he's ready. he actually broke off the engagement and now begging for a second chance.
if i were you, i might step back...wait for him do all the leg work. all the talking at this moment would make things even harder. i know it's hard not to talk about feelings while all you could feel is your emotions. you on the other side should not put all your eggs in this basket. if you happen to meet someone...take it slow and hang out with them while you are waiting. "make more friends" during this wait period. i don't feel good if i were you in this situation.

~Fabulousity~ · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by juneping

i don't think we can be in control of a situation like this. the only thing you can control is you.
i do find it a little bit odd that he doesn't do the initiation of contacting you. it's the second time around and he is proving himself....i honestly think he should have tried harder. it's not exactly pick up where he left off but he is supposed to be starting from a negative ground. do i make sense to you?
i just feel from what i've been reading, he has this notion that he can come back in your life without any effort. it wasn't exactly he asked for a break and now he's ready. he actually broke off the engagement and now begging for a second chance.
if i were you, i might step back...wait for him do all the leg work. all the talking at this moment would make things even harder. i know it's hard not to talk about feelings while all you could feel is your emotions. you on the other side should not put all your eggs in this basket. if you happen to meet someone...take it slow and hang out with them while you are waiting. "make more friends" during this wait period. i don't feel good if i were you in this situation.

you've made some good points

MarieG · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:12 PM

Thanks so much for understanding, Juneping. I think that's pretty much exactly what I'll do. I did that for the past 9 months and then, after a week or two without contact, he'd suddenly write: Don't you love me anymore?/ I miss you etc.

It's just that one or two weeks is waaay to long for me to wait!I miss him all the time and waiting to hear that he misses me after a week is not very satisfying. I'll see if he will miss and write me sooner now that we're back together. It's sad but what you've written sounds like the best thing to do- thank you for that!

boxermom · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:52 PM

Good point about too much talking right away. I think my post made it sound like you two need a long convo right away, and I wasn't clear about that. There is a right time and place for things like that. I do think it's something to discuss, just not immediately.

This is why several viewpoints are helpful :-)

PinkSuadeSoho · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:38 PM

I'd make him work for what he wants and to really prove himself to you! You should be w/ someone who puts you @ ease, not someone who is giving you anxious vibes. I don't want to say I think he isn't the right one, but I think you should be feeling much more certain than you are. I really think that if this time around proves to be a no go, at least you can reflect back on it and learn from what you do and don't want w/ a man. You can also feel good about knowing you gave it another try, without ever wondering about all the "what ifs", had you not gone a 2nd round. Listen carefully to your friends and family and those around you.

PurseAddict79 · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:50 PM

Originally Posted by MarieG

Thank you so much for your thoughts, ladies!

PurseAddict79, you definitely don't sound like a know-it-all! Thank you for sharing your similar story with me, too! I have thought about counseling but given my current employment situation it's not really an option unfortunately. I might go to one or two sessions though- just to get me on the right track. How are you dealing with your situation? Are you seeking counseling? Have you been able to trust more? How long have you guys been back together?

I am going through counseling, and we also have started attending one session a month together. Its not so much to "fix" us, because I don't think we need to be "fixed". Its more about learning how to effectively communicate, and how to work through issues and insecurities we both have with our past. We've been back together for 6 months. I've been able to trust more, but I won't lie, some days are better than others. We are also in an LDR (though not like yours... we are only 2hrs apart and see each other once a week)... but I find that when I feel most insecure is when we've spent extended periods of time apart. When he's here with me, holding me, looking into my eyes I am very secure in our relationship. The distance, in my relationship anyway, is what triggers the insecurity more than anything. I think once you two are closer things will be easier. And just because he's moving closer to you doesn't mean you're obligated to go through with anything (ie marriage). If he's close and you're still feeling this way, or he's giving off funky vibes, you have every right and reason to take a step back.

(and for the record, you mentioned he isn't very expressive in way of the I miss/love/need you type of thing. Mine wasn't either up until very recently. He felt all of those things, and he showed me all of those things, but he couldn't say them... he was afraid to. I suspect your dbf is too. It will get better with time and lots and LOTS of communication)

ETA: I didn't see your comment about him not initiating contact. That would REALLY bother me. My dbf and I talk several times a day and its a two way street... I call him, he calls me... its very even/equal. The fact that you initiate all, or the majority, of the contact kind of throws up a red flag. I'd definitely talk to him about this and tell him that it's fueling your insecurity.

Roo · Sep 24th, 2009, 01:51 PM

I have to be honest and say I am disappointed you are giving this guy another chance... and that's not a personal stab at you Marie, at ALL. I say that because you are too good for him. He sounds passive aggressive and controlling to me, and the fact that he is not staying in contact in a way you need speaks volumes about the amount of effort he's putting into this.

You need this man to fall over himself to build back the trust he violated! It sounds to me like he's back to status quo again and you deserve better... and the part about him contacting you after you-- after you back away briefly-- to inflict guilt, is just a huge red flag to me.

juneping · Sep 24th, 2009, 02:01 PM

Originally Posted by Roo

I have to be honest and say I am disappointed you are giving this guy another chance... and that's not a personal stab at you Marie, at ALL. I say that because you are too good for him. He sounds passive aggressive and controlling to me, and the fact that he is not staying in contact in a way you need speaks volumes about the amount of effort he's putting into this.

You need this man to fall over himself to build back the trust he violated! It sounds to me like he's back to status quo again and you deserve better... and the part about him contacting you after you-- after you back away briefly-- to inflict guilt, is just a huge red flag to me.

agree!!
i can understand some men are not into keep calling you to report his whereabouts or what's his doing. but over a week or 2, that's not cool. and why he's under the impression that you have to let him know you miss him...?? sounds like a guilt trip my bf's mom would do.

gillianna · Sep 24th, 2009, 03:28 PM

It is a red flag for him to not contact you for a week or more. That to me says you are not important enough for his time. It sounds like you have welcomed him back in to your life witho9ut him really showing a effort of change and love towards you. Now he is supposed to come and visit for a month right???? Will he be staying at your place expect to jump to a intimate relationship like nothing happened???? I would tell him to find a hotel......let him court you, if he has chaged how has he proven it? I think his actions have just given you enough hope to accept the things he is doing and not confront his actions for what he is not. Maybe you are seeing clearer now that his no contact with you for over a week actually means something more. Is this clearly the actions of a man who is trying to make you forgive him for breaking your heart. Most men would be calling and if not that emailing a few time a week if not daily. He seems kind of like a guy who gets off in having you now be the one running back to him and telling him you need him and miss him. That is not cool........ He wants to be in control and it seems like he is back with calling the shots and make you question yourself again. Maybe you do have a little voice inside you telling you that you deserve better and it might be time to move on. You were together for 5 years, he was your life at such a young age but can you see yourself dealing with all you anxiety and questions over what he does not do worth it? Never be willing to settle for something you are comfortable with because if a person does not treat you with the respect you deserve it will only end in disaster.

Sep 24th, 2009, 10:48 AM	#1
MarieG OP ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	Vicious Cycle- Need help, pls... Hi ladies and gents, I am so sorry to ask for advice again and hope you aren't sick of hearing from me yet I just really don't know what to do. I gave my ex, who left me just before our wedding over 1 year ago, another chance and he is coming to visit me in December for one month and wants to move here next spring. Ever since I decided to give him another chance I have been on an emotional rollercoaster every day. I go from being really happy and excited about him coming and being back together to really worried that he might not move here after all or change his mind again about us. All day-every day. He is not a very vocal person and rarely initiates contact but always responds to emails/smses/phone calls. Whenever I ask if we're definitely going to do this and if he's sure that he wants to spend his life with me he sayd: yes, absolutely, but he's not the kind of guy that will just write: i love you/miss you/ etc. I know he loves me but I just don't know how long I can stay in this anxious state. I am also currently job hunting so I feel like everything in my life is so unsure at the moment and I am finding it really hard to deal with. I like feeling that I am in control of a situation and immediate future and, while this is probably a good experience for me in the long run, I am finding it very hard to deal with. I used to be very decisive and clear about what I want- people always knew me for that. Now I'm suddenly 25 years old and am not able to decide what I want and what's best for me. I am sincerely sorry for asking for advice again. Thank you so much for reading and any piece of advice is very much appreciated!
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Sep 24th, 2009, 10:56 AM	#2
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,946	sounds like it may be a good idea for you to step back and think about what it is YOU really want. Just because you decided to give him another chance that doesn't mean you have to rush anything. Maybe you two could move a little slower with things this may give you a chance to regain your trust in him.
~Fabulousity~ Member Joined: Jan 2006 Posts: 12,946

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:00 AM	#3
amymaria I is Hello Kitty? Joined: Jan 2009 Location: Toronto Posts: 1,135	hi dear, I hope you know what you are going through, your emotions, are entirely valid. In truth, he has "left" you once and you are subconciously afraid of him doing it again. You probably need more reassurance than a simple vocal yes. There isn't much you can do but wait and see if he will live up to his word this time around. My bf is the same with communication. If I don't initiate contact he RARELY will...I know that sometimes it drives me crazy. I always think "is he thinkin of me?" "does he miss me?" "what if i'm bothering him?" but I also know that in the back of my head/heart (whatever it is) he loves me, thinks of me and misses me. I think if you tell him that if need to see him initiate something just because you need that reassurance now (and it's totally valid you ask for this seeing your past with him) he should be able to try to give that to you without any argument. If you know the truth about him loving you, being loyal and committed to your future but you just need to see it instead of hear it....ask.
	__________________ Blog + Twitter www.kittypinkpaisley.com Sarcasm, Love to Hate and Hello Kitty http://twitter.com/amc_kpp

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:46 AM	#6
MarieG OP ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	Thank you so much for your thoughts, ladies! Fabulousity, you are absolutely right. I should try and take it slower- it's just so hard once you're actually in that situation because we were nearly married an living together for 5+ years so I find it quite challenging to take it slow. I feel like I need to know for sure that he's sure- pretty much every day at the moment. I know it's not the right way to go about it and I try to not let him notice but it is definitely how I feel unfortunately. But I will try my best- you are definitely right Amymaria, I know- I agree that the only way to know for sure is to wait and see. Having a very passive boyfriend makes this a lot harder though because (maybe it's also a female vs male thing) I really need assurance even if there is no way that I can get that without waiting. Its definitely a very tough situation for me... I will try to have more patience PurseAddict79, you definitely don't sound like a know-it-all! Thank you for sharing your similar story with me, too! I have thought about counseling but given my current employment situation it's not really an option unfortunately. I might go to one or two sessions though- just to get me on the right track. How are you dealing with your situation? Are you seeking counseling? Have you been able to trust more? How long have you guys been back together? boxermom, thank you for your input! reading your post really made me think- I hope it's not my subconscious telling me that he's not the right one... He has changed in the sense that he doesn't sound scared of commitment anymore and is coming to Europe now. Both a really big steps for him- I just hope he goes through with it...It's a very unpleasant thing to wait for
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Sep 24th, 2009, 12:05 PM	#7
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,355	i don't think we can be in control of a situation like this. the only thing you can control is you. i do find it a little bit odd that he doesn't do the initiation of contacting you. it's the second time around and he is proving himself....i honestly think he should have tried harder. it's not exactly pick up where he left off but he is supposed to be starting from a negative ground. do i make sense to you? i just feel from what i've been reading, he has this notion that he can come back in your life without any effort. it wasn't exactly he asked for a break and now he's ready. he actually broke off the engagement and now begging for a second chance. if i were you, i might step back...wait for him do all the leg work. all the talking at this moment would make things even harder. i know it's hard not to talk about feelings while all you could feel is your emotions. you on the other side should not put all your eggs in this basket. if you happen to meet someone...take it slow and hang out with them while you are waiting. "make more friends" during this wait period. i don't feel good if i were you in this situation.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:07 AM	#4
PurseAddict79 PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,236	Have you thought about counseling? The fears you have are not irrational, IMO, because they're in direct response to what he has done in the past. BUT if you're willing to give him this second chance then you have to learn how to deal with all of the emotions associated with it. I think seeing a counselor/therapist would help you. You need to learn to focus on the 'here and now' instead of the what ifs. Living your life focusing on the what ifs is insanely exhausting and overwhelming. I hope I don't sound like a know-it-all... I don't. The only reason I say this is because I'm in a very similar position to yours. My dbf and I were together a decade ago, split up and lost contact and got back in touch and back together in March of this year. I have worries too, about him deciding (again) that he doesn't want to be with me. But then I think about all the ways he shows me he loves me and I redirect my focus on that. I hope things get better for you

Sep 24th, 2009, 11:13 AM	#5
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,712	I read your other posts about him and your anxiety is based on what he's done in the past. If I were you I would want a long conversation with him about what happened last year---what has he learned since then? How has he changed? If your relationship contin ues and you ever need couples therapy would he be willing to work on it or would he just up and leave as he did previously? Once someone has broken my trust, I find it hard to relax around them--it's a defense mechanism, I guess so I won't get hurt again. True forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do (and it doesn't mean what he did was ok). To sum it up, I would want to know what has changed since last year for him, what's different? If you have doubts, then your intuition is telling you despite the good qualities, he's not in it for the long term. Good luck and lots of hugs.

Sep 24th, 2009, 12:12 PM	#9
MarieG OP ..loves Balenciaga:) Joined: Jun 2006 Posts: 4,017	Thanks so much for understanding, Juneping. I think that's pretty much exactly what I'll do. I did that for the past 9 months and then, after a week or two without contact, he'd suddenly write: Don't you love me anymore?/ I miss you etc. It's just that one or two weeks is waaay to long for me to wait!I miss him all the time and waiting to hear that he misses me after a week is not very satisfying. I'll see if he will miss and write me sooner now that we're back together. It's sad but what you've written sounds like the best thing to do- thank you for that!
	__________________ "A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous." ~Coco Chanel My Bal Collection Come and Visit My Blog: http://littleslicesofheaven.blogspot.com/

Sep 24th, 2009, 12:52 PM	#10
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,712	Good point about too much talking right away. I think my post made it sound like you two need a long convo right away, and I wasn't clear about that. There is a right time and place for things like that. I do think it's something to discuss, just not immediately. This is why several viewpoints are helpful :-)

Sep 24th, 2009, 01:38 PM	#11
PinkSuadeSoho I can't wait, Can U? Joined: Jul 2006 Location: British Properties,Beautiful By Nature! Spectacular by SIGHT! :) Posts: 5,155	I'd make him work for what he wants and to really prove himself to you! You should be w/ someone who puts you @ ease, not someone who is giving you anxious vibes. I don't want to say I think he isn't the right one, but I think you should be feeling much more certain than you are. I really think that if this time around proves to be a no go, at least you can reflect back on it and learn from what you do and don't want w/ a man. You can also feel good about knowing you gave it another try, without ever wondering about all the "what ifs", had you not gone a 2nd round. Listen carefully to your friends and family and those around you.
	__________________ Chanel is an institution, and you have to treat an institution like a whore – and then you get something out of her. -Karl Lagerfeld Follow Karl Lagerfeld on twitter http://twitter.com/Karl_Lagerfeld

Sep 24th, 2009, 01:51 PM	#13
Roo au courant Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Rue Roo Posts: 12,720	I have to be honest and say I am disappointed you are giving this guy another chance... and that's not a personal stab at you Marie, at ALL. I say that because you are too good for him. He sounds passive aggressive and controlling to me, and the fact that he is not staying in contact in a way you need speaks volumes about the amount of effort he's putting into this. You need this man to fall over himself to build back the trust he violated! It sounds to me like he's back to status quo again and you deserve better... and the part about him contacting you after you-- after you back away briefly-- to inflict guilt, is just a huge red flag to me.
	__________________ When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. --Willie Nelson

Sep 24th, 2009, 03:28 PM	#15
gillianna Member Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 4,093	It is a red flag for him to not contact you for a week or more. That to me says you are not important enough for his time. It sounds like you have welcomed him back in to your life witho9ut him really showing a effort of change and love towards you. Now he is supposed to come and visit for a month right???? Will he be staying at your place expect to jump to a intimate relationship like nothing happened???? I would tell him to find a hotel......let him court you, if he has chaged how has he proven it? I think his actions have just given you enough hope to accept the things he is doing and not confront his actions for what he is not. Maybe you are seeing clearer now that his no contact with you for over a week actually means something more. Is this clearly the actions of a man who is trying to make you forgive him for breaking your heart. Most men would be calling and if not that emailing a few time a week if not daily. He seems kind of like a guy who gets off in having you now be the one running back to him and telling him you need him and miss him. That is not cool........ He wants to be in control and it seems like he is back with calling the shots and make you question yourself again. Maybe you do have a little voice inside you telling you that you deserve better and it might be time to move on. You were together for 5 years, he was your life at such a young age but can you see yourself dealing with all you anxiety and questions over what he does not do worth it? Never be willing to settle for something you are comfortable with because if a person does not treat you with the respect you deserve it will only end in disaster.
gillianna Member Joined: Dec 2005 Posts: 4,093

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