Vicious Cycle- Need help, pls...

[juneping]

^^i am happy for you....

[MarieG]

Thank you, Juneping! You are always so kind and give such great advice!

I'm still following your recent advice though and am keeping an open mind until I'm sure - it will take him a while to make me trust him again. Either he continues this way or it's over.

Thanks so much again!

[Allisonfaye]

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. I think it is like a husband who cheated. He has to earn back your trust. He pulled the rug out from under you and it is natural that you feel stressed about all of it. I think you did the right thing. I hope it works out for you, Marie!

[Kittie LaRoche]

MarieG, I just read through your threads and wanted to wish you all the best. You seem like such a lovely and strong woman.

Call me naive but I'm a believer in second chances.

Sure, he REALLY messed up, he will have to earn back your trust and noone can guarantee you that it ever will be like before.

But honestly I don't see any difference between giving him a second chance or giving another man a first chance. There is always the possibility that a person is not what they seem to be and don't treat you the way they should.

Sending you from Germany!

[ProfNot]

Originally Posted by juneping

if i were you, i might step back...wait for him do all the leg work.

ITA.

Make him work to get you back.

His behavior will tell you everything you need to know.

We women like words but they really don't mean a dam* in situations like this.

Why does he think he can just phone you and slide right back into your life? He even threw a calendar date at you and expects you to accept it. Huh? Make him earn a place in it.

Don't let him move in until he gives you a ring and a date. Your home is not a free hotel for him to slide into. Your bed is only open to a man who has proven by behavior (not words) he is spending and will continue to spend his life making you happy.

He gets his own apt in your town and earns his way back into your heart.

Agree to date him, not have him move in and start getting you to do his laundry and dishes.

Don't waste another 5 years on him. Require him to make you happier than you have ever been in your life. That's what REAL men do for their GFs / wives.

I suggest you try to forget about him and get on with your life. Of course this is super hard but ACT as if he doesn't exist. Take a fun class, play with new hair/fashion looks, spend more time with girl friends, rent funny movies from the library so you don't spend $$$. Have girls friends come over for movies and popcorn on "date nights" so you don't feel left out, bummed, and all alone while you imagine everyone but you is out clubbing.

There's a great thread on the General Discussion forum right now. "How do I get to know myself" or similar. OP got some amazing responses. Let this fall be all about you having fun and becoming independent and confident.

If he comes through and treats you like a Queen, then great. If he stalls or is lazy, you have already started to move on.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I was getting really angry at him thinking how he has treated you.

Now he expects to have a couple of cry-chats with you on the sofa then simply slide back into your heart, home, and bed? I don't think so! This man is back to date one and being on probation every week.

Good luck and HUGS!

[ProfNot]

Originally Posted by Kittie LaRoche

I don't see any difference between giving him a second chance or giving another man a first chance.

With all respect to you, Kittie, I disagree.

A new guy has no history with you. You don't know if he is good or bad. You just spend a little time to see if things go well or badly.

But this jerk has shown his true colors already. I say he needs to be extra nice to get a first or second date when he gets back to town.

Marie - I know you long for his voice but don't talk to him until he arrives in town. Tell him he can send 1 email a week max and don't reply to all of them.

He's all worried because you didn't call him back for a few days when he dumped you and couldn't be bothered to end things like a man?

Puh leeze!

He needs to worry because if I were you, I would never speak to him again. Sounds like an adolescent boy to me.

Don't meet him at the airport. Don't let him stay with you until he gets an apt. He can get a hotel or bunk with a bud like any guy who thinks you might let him date you if he is nice enough.

He is distracting you from having a good life now. You need to focus on having a great life, making friends, and loving yourself.

Good luck!

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by ProfNot

Make him work to get you back. His behavior will tell you everything you need to know. Why does he think he can just phone you and slide right back into your life? He even threw a calendar date at you and expects you to accept it. Huh? Make him earn a place in it. Don't let him move in until he gives you a ring and a date. Your home is not a free hotel for him to slide into. Your bed is only open to a man who has proven by behavior (not words) he is spending and will continue to spend his life making you happy. He gets his own apt in your town and earns his way back into your heart. Agree to date him, not have him move in and start getting you to do his laundry and dishes. Don't waste another 5 years on him. Require him to make you happier than you have ever been in your life. That's what REAL men do for their GFs / wives. Now he expects to have a couple of cry-chats with you on the sofa then simply slide back into your heart, home, and bed? I don't think so! This man is back to date one and being on probation every week. Good luck and HUGS!

WORD !

Marie, you know my stance on the issue already but I couldnt help quoting the above. Please make sure you dont put all eggs in one basket, and a basket that you already know had holes in it. He needs to know his actions have consequences, for now it looks like he thinks he will just snap back into it as if nothing happened. I will keep fingers crossed for you

[rainrowan]

This guy is going to have to make up for pulling the rug out from under you... leaving one month before the wedding is a big gigantic hurt. I believe in second chances, but he shouldn't expect you to be the same person as before, that's for sure.

You didn't do anything wrong, and therefore there is nothing to "worry" about. The ball's in his court to prove to you that he's changed.

The only thing to keep in mind is not to allow him to get back in your life as if nothing happened... it's all too easy for your emotions to be hurt again if he thinks its that easy.

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice,ProfNot, Nataliam1976 and Rainrowan! I really appreciate it! I am definitely going to be distant and will see how I feel about it all and if he has really changed. After all- if he hasn't he won't make me happy for life so there's no point in pursuing the relationship then anyway. Thanks so much again. All of your responses really give me a lot of strength!