Vicious Cycle- Need help, pls...

[juneping]

OP,

you are so young and so beautiful. have confidence in yourself

[vhdos]

OP - you need to start trying to regain some control in your life.
Learn to be a little more selfish (in moderation). I know that this sounds contrary to popular belief, but being selfish means focusing on what will make you a better person.
You also need to learn to say "no." Most people who have found themselves in a position where they have lost control, have done so willingly because they haven't said no. You agreed to let this guy back into your life.
Try not to make excuses. It's easy to make excuses about how/why you lost control, but you need to stop. It sounds to me like you are making excuses for this guy. You mentioned that he is not a very vocal person and rarely initiates contact and you also said that he is, "not the kind of guy that will write I love you/I miss you, etc." To me, those sound like excuses.
You mentioned that you like feeling in control of a situation and your immediate future. In order to do this, you need to look forward not backwards. It's easy to look back at your relationship with this guy in an effort to see where things went wrong. This generally leads to overanalyzing everything, which creates all kinds of anxiety.
Like some other posters have mentioned, I'm not crazy about the fact that you've let this guy back into your life. I think you deserve better.

[turboflgrl]

I know I don't know you, your boyfriend, or your situation personally but I truly and honestly feel that you are making a huge mistake. There are huge, obvious red flags... I really don't need to point them all out. You are really treating yourself second rate as far as I'm concerned. You deserve much more than you allow yourself.

I'm sorry

[ZippyWho]

juneping makes a lot of good points. I agree with juneping and others that he is not making enough effort considering this being the second time around.
I would step back and let him do more of the courtship (easily said than done,I know but try). Try it out by keeping yourself busy, hang other with others, and whatever way you can think of to stay busy.

[msshell]

So according to what I'm reading from your post he is not acting differently than you have known him to be in the past. That is, that he is acting like himself. I guess the question is can you handle being with someone who is not that communicative? The thing is, he has told you that he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, and from his point of view, he shouldn't need to tell you everyday - he is probably operation under the assumption that unless something changes, that he is still wanting to be with you.

I agree with you and the others though - going a week or two without contact is too long. If that is really all he needs to still feel close to you, and you need a lot more, is there too big of disparity in your needs vs his needs for the relationship to be successful?

I know what you mean by wanting/needing reassurance from him at this time given what happened in the past. To me it kind of sounds like you have not completely forgiven him for what happened and that is creeping into your current state with him.

It's a tough one. I assume you've talked to him about how you feel about the lack of his initiating communication with you?

[spoiled_brat]

MarieG, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, honey

This is probably not what you want to hear and I may not be right because I don't know you/him/the situation but judging from what I know... he is not the one for you.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by MarieG

...Now I'm suddenly 25 years old and am not able to decide what I want and what's best for me.

I don't know what it is about this age but I went through it and many women I know went through it around the same age. You are changing. What passed as an acceptable existence no longer holds the same attraction to you anymore. You are coming into your own (and that may change again in your 30s) and maturing. You don't need this guy or any guy. If he works out, fine. Consider that gravy. But life is what you make it, not what you allow others to make for you. While you can take control over your own decisions, just come to grips with the fact that you will never be able to control life itself. This is a time for you to understand that you do need to make tough choices and learn to accept the outcome. And that means accepting the outcome of your decisions. That means accepting the outcome of things out of your control. You can only do the best you can using the experience you have up till now. Accept that you are going to make mistakes, accept that good things are going to happen too. Focus on what is right and good for you, let others worry about themselves, especially this guy - he is a grown man and can take care of himself, he is NOT your responsibility.
All you have is this moment, right now. Make it a good one and plan for your future the best you can knowing how quickly things can change in an instant. Take life as it comes and always do the right thing.
Take a deep breath and realize, it all really is out of your hands. Then feel the relief that comes with knowing you don't have to control anything other than your own thoughts, words and behavior in reaction to what happens around you. You'll be fine. You'll get through this. And you will gain even more experience for whatever lies ahead of you years from now.

[underthesky]

Marie, the question you may want to ask yourself is how important you in his life? When I read your posts, it sounds like you are the one who works the most to keep this relationship in one piece. You know, as time goes by, there is so much you can take too. Are you seriously going to spend the rest of your life to make sure that he is happy, he stays with you, aren't you going to be exhausted oneday? My parents always told me that relationship takes 2 people to make it work, if only 1 person doing all the work, no matter how hard you do, it will eventually sink.

You must love him so much just from reading your posts What I would do is have a talk with him and let him know that this is his very last chance, if he screws it, it will be over and you remember it. Meantime, I do know how worry you are and I am sure there is part of you worry and doubt whether he will keep things he said, but you need to let it go. Don't waste yourtime to think and worry about it. If he loves you and value you, he will show it. If he blew his chance AGAIN, don't waste your time to give him another chance. There is no point to put yourself back in current situation and believe me, he doesn't even deserve your respect.

You are a young and beautiful woman with beautiful bags collection If he is not Mr. Right, I bet that there is another Mr. Right waiting for you.

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for your thoughts, advice and input, ladies! I really mean that! I have read your responses about 5 times now and for some reason they give me strength! So I really appreciate your comments and time!

It's so bizarre how you can find yourself in a situation in life and wonder how you ever got there in the first place. I would have never expected to be in this place with this guy or any guy. I don't know where all of my confidence, esp. in this relationship, has gone. I think the break up was such a shock that it took my relationship confidence away with it. I know I have to work on this on my own and will. In context with my bf/exbf I am going to take a huge step back and just watch and see what he does. If he doesn't put his heart and soul into this we're done. This current state absolutely has to end- I am sick and tired of it.

Thank you so much for being there for me through this!

[Chanel Belle]

Originally Posted by juneping

i don't think we can be in control of a situation like this. the only thing you can control is you. i do find it a little bit odd that he doesn't do the initiation of contacting you. it's the second time around and he is proving himself....i honestly think he should have tried harder. it's not exactly pick up where he left off but he is supposed to be starting from a negative ground. do i make sense to you? i just feel from what i've been reading, he has this notion that he can come back in your life without any effort. it wasn't exactly he asked for a break and now he's ready. he actually broke off the engagement and now begging for a second chance. if i were you, i might step back...wait for him do all the leg work. all the talking at this moment would make things even harder. i know it's hard not to talk about feelings while all you could feel is your emotions. you on the other side should not put all your eggs in this basket. if you happen to meet someone...take it slow and hang out with them while you are waiting. "make more friends" during this wait period. i don't feel good if i were you in this situation.

Thumbs up!!!

[msshell]

Good Luck Marie - be strong! We are here to support you and wish you only the best!

[cafire]

I think it's telling that you sounded SO much happier, better off, confident, and secure when you updated us after being apart from him. I remember being in the middle of my divorce at that time and hoping to get to the point that you had achieved, someday.

Don't sell yourself short. If the potential relationship is causing you this much angst, and it's barely begun again....question yourself as to why you would willingly sign up for a potential lifetime of that. Again. *hugs*

[karmenzsofia]

Originally Posted by MarieG

...I just really don't know what to do. I gave my ex, who left me just before our wedding over 1 year ago, another chance and he is coming to visit me in December for one month and wants to move here next spring. Ever since I decided to give him another chance I have been on an emotional rollercoaster every day. I go from being really happy and excited about him coming and being back together to really worried that he might not move here after all or change his mind again about us. All day-every day. ...

IMO, the answer to your question about what to do is in the title of this thread -- "vicious cycle" -- and the statement above (on bold). Your own words and your body are telling you what to do.

[MarieG]

Thanks so much for your thoughts!

I haven't contacted him since the last time I wrote! Having all of your support really gives me strength- thank you so much for being there!

[MarieG]

Well, on day 3 he started calling and writing and getting all worried, wondering why I hadn't contacted him. Now he's writing and calling me every day, telling me how much he loves me and that he can't wait to see me. He also booked his flights. Men are strange...