*VERY LONG VENT* Sick of being the ADULT in my relationship! Am I a b*tch?

[MissLianne]

Soo some background:
DBF and I have been together 6 years next month. I am 24 and hes 25. DBF just finished school last year... he scored a great great job. This September (last mo) would of been my last year of university. But since I got offered a full time management position at my job, I took it and have decided to complete my last year of my degree part time. I did this to save money... pay off the little bit of debt I accumulated from student loans (less then $4000k) and just basically get ahead.

DBF really enjoyed his job and everything was great. He was a site supervisor and one of his workers he was overseeing started an altercation with him. I mean a PHYSICAL one... over dbf telling the gentleman in question that he would NOT be allowed to continue working unless he was wearing the proper attire and safety boots. The fellow argued... my dbf threatened to send him home... then all hell broke loose. Dbf admits to fighting back, since nobody (not one worker) helped dbf defend himself... and all the other site supers where not around at this point. The company dbf worked for gave him 2 paid weeks off to let the dust settle ie) they had to report this to their insurance and the worker's safety board. Flash forward 2 weeks... they told him that their insurance had enough of this kind of thing on their jobsite (dbf was only their for 3 mos at this point and this never happenend before). So they gave my bf a "package" to leave.... ALL THIS was at the end of July. Since then my bf has been offered a few jobs that he's declined... cause it isn't as good as his previous job. I've given him ample time to mope/be upset/loaft.... but enough is enough now.

A week later, one of dbf's previous employers asked dbf to come in on a business project he was planning on doing. Now this person who my bf worked for prior to the company above was a lousyyy boss....he still owes my bf $5000 in back wages he couldn't "afford" to pay dbf at the time. Hence, why dbf quit. BUT his boss is a very nice guy whom my bf was very close too. So my bf tells me about this project they're working on that could score my bf in the 6 six digits in a matter of a few weeks. I encouraged my bf to go after it, but not to 'put his eggs all in one basket' HENCE find another job whilst working on this in the mean time.

DBF seems to forget about WORKING and concentrates about this. Fine. I kept my mouth all of AUG... until MID Sept. Since my bf keeps saying "next week... next week" that this project will go through. In the meantime I have gotten my dbf ads I've seen on the net/newspaper but he gets angry at me saying "I'm trying to do this investment for our future! Jobs will always be there! I need to concentrate on this for now! As soon as this goes through Im going to get a job again!" *arghhhhh* Indeed, I know this is for us bc he has promised to buy us a townhome and buy me an engagement ring if all goes well..... but I dont understand how one can be unemployed in the meantime. I've NEVER been unemployed for EVEN 1 DAY since I was 16. NEVER. I've even had 3 jobs at the same time throughout school. DBF would work a few times a week, and during the summer during school.... he was more that "broke college student" label. I managed to pay tuition/books, go on vacations, buy a brand new car and shop ofcourse lol alll while being in university!

Anyways...... so the past month and a half..... I've just had to tip toe around DBF. I can't talk about anything that has to do with money... cause he's flat broke right now. He's 25 and broke! I'm a year younger and have NEVER been broke! I'm not saying this bc I want him to buy me fancy bags again or take me to expensive restaraunts...its just at 25 you should not be struggling to pay your cell phone bill! I even sat down with him and told him I dont mind "footing" the bill on our weekly dinner dates etc. He said he doesn't like when I pay but promises to make all this up to me as soon as this goes through. He still tries to be sweet and shows up at my work with Starbucks or calls in the middle of the day telling me he loves me. He's even said more then once that hes so appreciative that I'm supportive. But my supportiveness is wearing thin.... Im working my butt off to save money etc. We both have mutually agreed we want to get married next year! How are we going to do that when he doesn't have a job right now and no savings?

So this week he found out hes only going to make not even 10% on what he first thought he would make. I know its not pocket change, it's still a hefty lump sum. He's been making me resent him the past couple weeks...
1) hes always stressed and simple questions like "what do you feel like for dinner/what do you want to do tonight?" turn into "whatever you want!" then when I tell him a few places he says "just decide!" and gets all angry.
2) I resent him that he used up his savings account for day to day living expenses. It makes me mad
3) He accuses me that all I talk about is money. EVERYTHING involves money! Just bc you dont have it right now! ie. The last couple of Halloweens my bf didn't want to get all dressed up... my me and my (mostly now single) girlfriends do. Theres a big Halloween party EVERY YEAR that I've attended with just my gfs for the past 3 years... so I asked him to come with me this year. He doesn't want to go there b/c its a bunch of ppl showing off how much money they make. He wants to go to this other nightclub which I don't like since its more a smallish/casual atmosphere..... and since NONE of my girlfriends are goeing there I'm going to be the ONLY GIRL with a bunch of single guys! Ugh! I know it sounds childish but we haven't gotten dressed up together on Halloween for 4 years.... and I miss the fun we used to have.

Finally, a few weeks ago my bf told me that once all this was over he is going to go back to work in his field... but is really interested in pursuing *hold on to your bags ladies* HAIRDRESSING! ...He likes fashion is a neat freak and is obsessed with his hair... so I wasnt too shocked. He thought it would be good to have on the side. I encouraged him bc I believe you can never stop learning. And since the construction field is sometimes dead in the winter (were in Canada)... this could be a good thing to also have. Then yesterday over dinner, he told me that he met some guy who owns a music college school. He told me that they have this interesting program that teaches you to do sound mixing/editing for movies/tv/multimedia. I'm like ohh thats interesting (what was I supposed to say?). Then dbf says "Im thinking of taking it... its a 10 month program full day program (whos going to pay your bills?).... and you can make major $ doing that" ..... I told him otherwise. 1) WE LIVE IN CANADA.... where are you going to find a job doing this? 2) Its not like ^hairdressing that once you get out of school you basically have a job.... its hard to suceed in show biz/music industry. Anyways, my bf once again accused me of not being supportive. I get that your 20's are about finding yourself... but hey there are a lot of things I would "like" to do but understand they just arent realistic right now.

Bascially what I'm asking you gals:
It scares me how much he frustrates me. I miss being excited to see him all the time. Just a month ago it was like that. Now I find myself biting my tongue or turning away to roll my eyes at him. He told me yesterday that he's so "disappointed bc hes been looking forward to this $" that he wont be getting enough to put a down payment on a home for us. I told him "don't look forward to things bc they never happen". Which IMHO is true.... dont count your chickens before they hatch!! I find myself snapping on him easier/more (I usually have sky high patience).
I just want to say something to him... tell him the toll he's taking on our relationship. But I know "monday" is a big day and he will only say "Let's talk about this on Monday I have a lot of my mind). I feel so alone... and it really scares me how distant I feel from him. We just went on a trip over labour day weekend for a week down to Florida... thats the last time I felt carefree/happy with him. Am I being a b*tch? Should I let this blow over more...or should I say something?


ADVICE APPRECIATED!

[nycfashionlvr]

I understand what you're going through, I'm still in college but I feel like I'll end up being in a similar situation with my boyfriend. I would say sit down and have a serious talk with him about this all tell him how its making you feel without making him feel offended .... be casual but serious about the situation. I wouldn't let this blow over because it will just build up anger inside of you.

[gina2328]

I couldn't handle someone like your DBF. If someone is unemployed that is fine, but be serious about job hunting. Now it sounds like he is flaking out constantly and looking for alternative careers. You are the one paying for meals? I'm sorry, but he is freeloading off of you. Its only been six months and he talks of marriage. He talks about a lot of things yet never follows through on those either. Actions speak louder than words. He speaks a lot but then there are no actions.

Its easy to go on trips and have fun and be in denial, but when Monday come reality hits you hard. Who paid for that trip, it doesn't sound cheap?

For all you know you could be in this type of relationship for years and never see a ring. It is not healthy to be in a relationship where you are constantly feeling resentment. There are a lot of fish in the sea. I would let this one go, and look for someone else, that is emotionally and financially well off. Really, you have not been together a very long time. Not like a year or two years. Good luck.

[MissLianne]

nycfashionlvr
...Yes, I think I'm planning on doing that tonight.

gina2328
We've been together almost 6 yrs... (since I was 18). We don't live together... When I refer to "paying for meals" I'm referring to our weekly dinner dates. I've been paying for about a month now. I just want to let him know that this business venture has taken a toll on our relationship. I would rather him work at McDonald's then being so stressed over this investment.

[dusty paws]

hmm. i'm sorry, the 20's are hard, especially with the way economies are right now.

perhaps you can write him a note and just say something like 'i'm sorry for pushing but i just want you to be successful and happy'.

or you need a girls weekend to just destress. maybe he can see some sort of life planning adviser to work things out?

[domlee]

With the hairdressing...at least he would be able to find a location to work as a hair stylist relatively easy.

With the movie editing...as you said, you live in Canada. I'm sure there are tv studios that are located in certain parts of the country. Plus, Canada does have some tv and movie production occuring there (because it is too expensive to do in Hollywood). But you really need to be located very close to where this is occuring in Canada and you need the right contacts/network to ensure you get those jobs.

You are right, in that you are being a "realist" to the situation.

[Hirondelle]

You are a mature and independent woman - good for you.
A very usefull site for you (especially since you are in Canada look for her show on Slice TV):
http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/

And I agree with the other girls: a serious discussion is in order. Good luck

[juneping]

it just seems to me your bf is prone to that kind of investment which is also unstable in a way. i assume men in nature are risk takers. whatever he's doing...u just don't feel secure financially. u can sit down and talk to him...after all these trials, he'll look for a steady job instead of all those unstable/quick kind of return of money.
i feel your frustration...but he also got to do what he want to do for his life....even none of that make sense to you.
GL!!

[MissLianne]

THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO RESPOND LADIES

dustypaws
I feel like now that Im in my mid 20s there are so many things I want to do and accomplish there just isn't enough time of the day to do it. It's exhausting.

domlee
I completely laughed when he brought up the music thing... his friend is apparently going to do that. FYI his friend is 21, single and from a wealthy family. He can afford to sit in a classroom learning about something like that.
My bf has good experience in qualifications in construction. He's already a site super (aka a manager). It's very good money. I encouraged him to do hair dressing since it's a great skill to do on the side (ie open your own salon, or do work on the side for your own clientele).

hirondelle
Thank you for your kind compliments. DBF has some good ideas, he just needs to have a more mature perspective on things I guess. I'm no doubt a realist... I see things in black and white. My bf likes to dream... yet maybe I'm too realist sometimes? I don't "dream" anymore cause I don't think life turns out that way.

[MissLianne]

Originally Posted by juneping

it just seems to me your bf is prone to that kind of investment which is also unstable in a way. i assume men in nature are risk takers. whatever he's doing...u just don't feel secure financially. u can sit down and talk to him...after all these trials, he'll look for a steady job instead of all those unstable/quick kind of return of money. i feel your frustration...but he also got to do what he want to do for his life....even none of that make sense to you. GL!!

thanks juneping

He does state over and over that he's going to get back into is field as soon as this investment happens (good or bad). He says to me all the time it's for us... and I know if/when he got the money it would be going toward purchasing a home for us. And ofcourse a ring for me.

I just think when something is too good to be true it probably is.... I wouldn't set myself up for if PLAN #1 goes bad I dont have PLAN #2. I just feel like he's set himself up to be upset.

[SaraDK]

Hi Lianne.
As the others have said you need to talk to him again again..
My DBF is also 25 and unemployed at the moment. He's a carpenter, but he's tired of it, and wants to do photography for a living (his big hobby). "luckily" there a no jobs at all in the carpenter industry, so he can really pursue his dream. He's guarrantied(sp?) a job in feb. So thats good, but its still a few months more without his normal paycheck.

Hang in there, support him, but also give him a light kick in the a$$ meanwhile..

[keya]

Honestly, my feelings on the matter changed a bit when I learned that you don't live together. If he doesn't loan any money from you, and all you pay for are your dinner dates, maybe you should cut him some slack and let him find a career path he's happy with. It's okay to raise concerns (like how he'll be able to find a job in the music industry), but in the meanwhile maybe you can cook dinners at home together and do free/inexpensive things together where you don't have to cover the cost for him? His financial situation will hit him over the head soon enough, and he'll have no choice but to get a job. I know you dream of a townhouse, a ring and a wedding, but if you're not willing to hold off a bit you might end up driving him away. I do understand your feelings, though, and at the end of the day it's up to you how you want to deal with this. I bet he really thought that this deal would come through, and that he would make good money off it, so he's probably disappointed too.

[ZippyWho]

My husband and I went through this where I like stable job and he likes quick return dream jobs. We are 37 years young (hehehe). I have never been jobless since 16 also. When he has the money, he does the paying for everything from food/dinner to car payments to insurance, etc. When he is broke, I paid for everything. We are a team.

While he paid he everything, that is when I get to save a lot quickly. So I can see when you two are dating since he has been paying a majority or more than you, that is how you are able to save.

His idea of earning money is not the same as yours. He wants to do something that he think is worthwhile yet enjoys. Just because you can handle a McDonald job doesn't mean that is what he likes. When he is dead broke and need money, that is when his limit will end and he know he will need the daily "income" to pay his expenses. There will always be that limit that necessity where reality will hit him.

I don't think he his a freeloader as he pays for everything when he has the ability. I would support him. I supported my husband until our savings account was $0. That is when reality hits him, he had to find "regular" job.

[flashy.stems]

this sounds like such a hard situation. money can cause so much turbulence in a relationship. your bf should realize the toll his unemployment is taking on your relationship. also, his empty promises are so disheartening, i can see why you are feeling like this. i think he needs to concentrate on getting a steady, decent paying job rather than shooting for the skies. good luck, sweetie.

[dallas]

I think you are way too involved in this and you need to step back and stop trying to get your bf to look at things the same way you do because clearly, he doesn't. If I were you I would stop making myself crazy, stop paying for dinner and let him row his own boat.