*VERY LONG VENT* Sick of being the ADULT in my relationship! Am I a b*tch?

[Allisonfaye]

This is simple. You are a grownup and he is not yet. I think you need some time apart.

[Rhose]

I agree with dallas. I know you're so frustrated and you want to push him (I don't blame you by the way) but it's not going to help. He just gets defensive. Since you don't live together I think you need to just let him go. If I remember correctly, you both still live at home right? Maybe he feels more secure in his 'exploring' since he knows he at least won't be out on the street. It sounds like he's having a quarter life crisis.

I really do understand where you're coming from. My ex had a personal loan debt and wasn't good at saving. It'd frustrate me because we'd talked about buying a property together, only I was saving like mad and he was way behind. It made me feel like I was being dragged down. I don't think it's wrong to feel that way either. It is wrong to put undue pressure on though. I finally made the choice to stop trying to get him to pay off his loan, to save more. We weren't married and it wasn't my problem. All I was doing was stressing him and myself out. I told him I'm saving up and when I'm ready I'll buy a place with or without him. This isn't the only reason he's an ex, but it sure contributed.

I do think you need to back off and let the chips fall where they may. He'll get through it by himself, one way or another. And spend Halloween with your girlfriends!! I can almost guarantee you'll have a better time with them given the current situation with your BF. Take some space to stop you from killing him, if nothing else, hehe.

[Hessefan]

I disagree with most people so far, and to answer the question in your title, yes you are a little bit... I wouldn't talk to him about it or make a big scene, because I think what he will remember from this is mostly that you didn't support him during this time.
This is not to say that your concerns or feelings aren't legitimate, but you two are both still young, and if there is a time to take a break and try to figure out what you really want it is now, BEFORE you have children or a mortgage. By all means, save up to get married or buy a home, but I think he also deserves your support in his current confusion and quest for happiness, since by your own account he has been a great boyfriend so far. Not all people have the same attitude to money and stability, and I think it is not just foolish, but also gutsy to try new things. It is commendable that you are so responsible and like to plan for your future together, but it doesn't mean that your attitude towards money or life is automatically right or better.Since you are not living together or married yet, I think he has every right to take risks and possibly fail, or try to find a career he would enjoy. And if his girlfriend of 6 years doesn't believe in him and stand by him, who will?
I feel so lucky that my husband has supported me all the way in every professional decision or dream I have ever voiced, and I have done the same for him, and if anything that has made our relationship stronger.
Good luck to you both.

[juneping]

i just wanted to add...your support can be very important to your bf...especially about his career.
u just need to weight the pros and cons...and if he is not changing his mind about this...you better be supportive, it'll be good for the long run if you want to marry him. from another POV, you are the person he trusts the most and you mean a lot to him and when you doubt him...can you imagine how he's gonna feel?!

[bagnshoofetish]

I think I would be more upset with him if he wasn't pursuing anything and just sitting at home playing video games.
On the "glass half full" side, he is trying to find what is going to make him happy in the long term. That takes time. And better he do it now while in his 20s than when he is 50. This all sounds like a compatibility issue to me. If he isn't progressing on your timeline, and you are unwilling to wait and carry the financial burden, then you might need to let him go and find someone who is already on the track you want him to be. Honestly, marriage (and it sounds like you guys are considering this) is not all honky dory - even if you two were gainfully employed right now, what would happen if one or both of you were suddenly out of work and could not find another job right away? marriage truly is for better or for worse and if this is a storm you cannot weather now, marriage won't make a difference. marriage is hard work and requires a lot of give and take. sometimes one of you will be the breadwinner and sometimes the other will be - sometimes you both will be - you just can't predict these things. again, as long as he is not lazy I would stay supportive if I were you.
and don't dismiss the sound mixing right away. it is something that will always be needed and these days you do not have to live in LA to do anything with music anymore because of the internet and music files. you would be surprised how many recording studios are shutting down here in LA because people are making records in their garages and bedrooms! anything requiring computer technology is not a bad way to go these days as we are going to rely on it more and more.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by MissLianne

I don't "dream" anymore cause I don't think life turns out that way.

I encourage everyone never to think like this. my hubby is a dreamer. his dream was to become a world class drummer and he did. even after his HS teachers and parents told him to "get a day job" he never did. he pursued his dream and has been one of the most sought after studio drummers for over 20 years.

never say never people!

look at me. I went from being in the music business to becoming an animal keeper.....at 39! dreams can come true.

[MissLianne]

THANK YOU LADIES
I just freak out a bit. I just feel like so much is happening. I just want to get on my (our) feet and buy a home of our own.
I'm feeling a little better about the situation:
DBF did some repairs to his neighbours cars today (he's naturally good at that stuff) and made a few hundred dollars. He took me out tonight to our fave restaraunt. We had a good night eating our fave foods (we're Italian) and sipping vino. Now were at his house and he's letting me pick any movie I want to watch (think he'll like Bride Wars? LoL)
Our convo tonight- we didn't talk once about business etc. It was nice.

I do agree w/ many of your wonderful points:
I DEF DO WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE
of dbf. He's always always always supportive of me. Even when it comes to saving for a new LV or C.L boots. He's always appreciative in my interests (ie if I'm stuck in traffic he'll turn on the Y&R and leave his phone near the speaker for me to listen to until I get home lol)
^^really stupid things... But I can't think of anything he hasn't supported me in.

I AGREE MARRIAGE IS ABOUT UPS AND DOWNS AND SHARING
Completely 100% agree. Hence why I volunteered to pay for our weekly dates (not a big deal I suppose...just thought it would be nice). Its something I look forward to all week. It doesn't bother me to pay. I don't want to discourage him on business deals- bc the greater the risk the higher the payoff? No? And IF he does benefit from this project who am I to accept a ring with this money if I didn't encourage him? He tells me everyday I'm his best friend.... And sometimes calls me to tell me he's having a stressful day but just needed to smile and hear my voice.

My girlfriends all think that I'm lucky he's doing this project for the sake of OUR future NOT him. My bff's SO made some money off stocks a few yrs ago and instead of buying her *anything* he bought himself a brand new Audi. So maybe I'm kinda lucky.

Thanks again ladies! I'll let you know how Monday goes! *cross your fingers*

[Charles]

I can't help but wonder what the advice would be if the roles were reversed and you were posting cause your bf was getting mad at you for having to pay for dinner and not having a steady job cause you're wanting to pursue your dreams. I'm betting they'd be slightly different.
It seems that men are still looked down upon for not being the breadwinner for any period of time. Here's how I see it. It's been 3 months since he's had a steady job, and you're already thinking the way you're thinking. When you truly love someone, you try to be supportive. I don't think you are. You're not living together, so he's not really shirking his responsibilities of the household, and so far, all you've had to pay for is dinner. Oh no!!! In that case, dump the lazy bum!!
Do you think you might have a bit of resentment cause you're mad that you're having to work and he's not?
From what I can gather, it sounds like he's young and really considering what he wants to do with life, and for now, as long as you're not having to support him, then let the guy figure it out. Trust me, working a job you hate sucks. Tell the guy you're sorry, and butt out. If he starts asking you to pay all of his bills, then it might be time for a talk.

[Hessefan]

I agree with Charles, he is young and just needs some time. It's not as if he has suddenly declared he doesn't want to work again, doesn't want to get married or become a con artist or join a circus and travel all year. All he's doing is trying to find a job he may actually like, as opposed to one that simply pays the bills. If there are things you would like to try, as you have said, but are afraid to or can't afford, then that isn't really his fault, that is for you to figure out.
He sounds like a lovely bf if he brings you Starbucks and phones just to say he loves you.
I would apologise as well and tell him that you have been brought up with a different attitude towards money or fiscal responsibility, but that you understand what he is trying to do and want to be there for him.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by MissLianne

I do agree w/ many of your wonderful points: I DEF DO WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE

yay!
again, if I were you, I would encourage him towards the sound mixing/editing route. there are a lot of engineers out there but like anything else, not necessarily good at it. if he has a good ear, good timing and good intuition he can make good money at it. its like picking up an instrument - you can learn the basics but you need talent to be a success. it could also open up other avenues to him as that industry has many different aspects to it.
Now what you have to consider for yourself if he does choose this route is to know the long hours sound mixers/editors keep. When there is a deadline, its not unusual for 16 - 18 hour days holed up in a studio to occur for days or weeks on end. Projects can take days or weeks sometimes months. If he's working on more than one project (which in these days you almost have to to make good money) you might not see him very often so it takes a very understanding partner. This line of work may include him traveling some too. When one is starting out, he won't be able to turn down work because when you do, its on to the next sound mixer so it takes a while to build up a reputation and become a sought after professional. But if he does, he can make good money. Then there is the feast or famine aspect. He could be busy for months at a time then go through a dry spell but thats why good mixers get a good fee for their time.
Just things to prepare yourself for in case he chooses this so there will be no surprises.
Its kind of the same as a hairdresser. I know a couple of guys who are very good therefore very much in demand and make a buttload of money but then again, they are in LA.
Hope this helps.

[MissLianne]

Originally Posted by Charles

I can't help but wonder what the advice would be if the roles were reversed and you were posting cause your bf was getting mad at you for having to pay for dinner and not having a steady job cause you're wanting to pursue your dreams. I'm betting they'd be slightly different. It seems that men are still looked down upon for not being the breadwinner for any period of time. Here's how I see it. It's been 3 months since he's had a steady job, and you're already thinking the way you're thinking. When you truly love someone, you try to be supportive. I don't think you are. You're not living together, so he's not really shirking his responsibilities of the household, and so far, all you've had to pay for is dinner. Oh no!!! In that case, dump the lazy bum!! Do you think you might have a bit of resentment cause you're mad that you're having to work and he's not? From what I can gather, it sounds like he's young and really considering what he wants to do with life, and for now, as long as you're not having to support him, then let the guy figure it out. Trust me, working a job you hate sucks. Tell the guy you're sorry, and butt out. If he starts asking you to pay all of his bills, then it might be time for a talk.

I really think that's it.
I think it bothers me that I'm the one making more money then him. Which in my circle just isn't so. It's either pretty 50/50 or the man makes more. It makes me sick how I'm stuggling to save money and pay (my personal) bills as I watch him complain about being short to pay his cell phone. While I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY trying to cut back and save money.

I def think I would want him to be supportive. I really can't think of a time when he's not.

Geesh I wish I was 16 again

[Elizabethd1012]

He needs to get a job no matter where it is!!! Even if it's at Burger King or McDonalds! He is an adult and needs to at least support himself. There's always a solution to everything but if he is acting like this now imagine what life would be life when you are married with children??? When you have a child you can't be picky about where you work if you lose your job because you have someone depending on you. He needs to grow up and you need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel! If you let him get away with everything he is going to keep doing it and then one day you will blow up and things will end up worst!!!!

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by Elizabethd1012

He needs to get a job no matter where it is!!! Even if it's at Burger King or McDonalds! He is an adult and needs to at least support himself. There's always a solution to everything but if he is acting like this now imagine what life would be life when you are married with children??? When you have a child you can't be picky about where you work if you lose your job because you have someone depending on you. He needs to grow up and you need to stand up for yourself and tell him how you feel! If you let him get away with everything he is going to keep doing it and then one day you will blow up and things will end up worst!!!!

As far as we know he is living off his savings at the moment and is supporting himself. He hasn't been off work for very long and didn't quit voluntarily. He is also looking into quite a few things that he may enjoy, so I think this suggestion is a bit extreme.
I totally disagree that the way he is acting now is any indication to how he would act if there were any kids or if he was already married. Also, what exactly is he "getting away" with??? She's his girlfriend, much loved by the sounds of it, not his mother or chaplain. Goodness me.

[keya]

Originally Posted by Elizabethd1012

He needs to get a job no matter where it is!!! Even if it's at Burger King or McDonalds!

I disagree. I felt that way when I dated a guy with kids, who were unemployed for a year, but this guy has no responsebilities beyond himself, and should be free to pursue his dreams and/or continue his education, if he wishes to do so. It's important to find a job you enjoy, and as long as he can pay his bills I don't see the issue. If he's staying with his parents and causing a financial strain on them, it's up to them to put their foot down, but as long as they're ok with it I don't see why his gf shouldn't be. I'm sure they'd rather see him persue a new career than to just give up and take a low paying job he's going to hate. To me it sounds like this is more about the OP being in a hurry to get a house and a ring, than about anything else. If the OP has long term goals with this guy, though, I think she'll be better off letting him do what makes him happy, rather than pushing him towards a career path that might make him unhappy. You're both still young, with plenty of time left to figure out what you want to do with your lives, and still have time to settle down.

[pinkinthecity]

I agree with Charles and a few other posters. I was out of a job for a few months, and my SO was nothing but supportive. He paid for practically everything we did together during those months I was out of work, and he had no complaints that I could see. He knew that I was unhappy about getting laid-off and I was reconsidering my career path because I did not want to be in the same situation again. If my SO was the type of person who pushed me to work at McDonald's just so I can say I make money even though I do not have a family to support and I can still afford my share of rent, utilities, and food, I would no longer be with him as he obviously does not care about my happiness. I think that this might be the same thing your SO is going through in terms of reconsidering his career path. Since this is not a case where your SO has never held down a job, I think that standing by his side is the best you could do for both of you.