very difficult to share...

nvmybag · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:40 AM

hi guys,

this is very difficult to share...i have never talked to anybody about this.

i have been married for almost 6 yrs. have 2 little kids ages 3 and 1. ever since the beginning, husband wanted to leave me. i begged and pleaded. and almost daily he is upset with me. anything i do upsets him. the smallest things. he wants me to change, he is a perfectionist and im not. english is not my first language, so communicating even is not easy for me. for the past 2 years it has gotten abusive. verbal abuse since the beginning, but now physical abuse. i cannot say anything to him, he will only get mad. i cannot buy anything for me or the kids. because i stay at home for the most part. even if i made my own money, he would never let me go shopping. we can be very cool, but those days never last long. i never thought about leaving, but now for the past 3 months i have been thinking about leaving. anytime we get into an argument, the first thing he always mentions is how bad he wants to divorce me. i hate this word, and it scares me to death. i dont know what to do. he says i can stay married to him if i dont interact with him at all, because that way he wont have to get mad, so i will be here and the kids get to have both parents. but whats the point? i am not happy staying like this either. i have lost all self hope and everything else that i used to be. now i am seeing that staying will only make things worse in time. he has told me many times that he has a love/hate relationship with me. he has told me many times that he would be relieved to know if i died. i dont know if i should beleive him or what? i just need advice. i have 2 little kids. my reason to stay has been them. how will i be as a divorcee and a single mom? life is scary. i have been with him since i was 18. he is all i know...and i dont know much anymore. my family is in the states. i'm thinking about starting all over again, but i dont know what to do and how to do it. i just need help. i dont have a college degree so how will i find a job? i know my parents will let us live with them for sure. so that is fine for a few months. but i dont want to stay there forever. even though they wouldnt mind. what is best for me and the kids? this relationship is just not getting any better. it will NEVER be how i want it to be.

helium · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:47 AM

I don't know about the US, but in Australia the government gives quite a large payment for single mothers who are unemployed (although i'd still suggest getting a job).

Every part of me tells me to get you to leave, but obviously financial security is a big issue for you right now. I think the other more mature women on this forum can chime in on that one, but I just know in some countries, the government does give money for tough situations.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvmybag

hi guys,

this is very difficult to share...i have never talked to anybody about this.

i have been married for almost 6 yrs. have 2 little kids ages 3 and 1. ever since the beginning, husband wanted to leave me. i begged and pleaded. and almost daily he is upset with me. anything i do upsets him. the smallest things. he wants me to change, he is a perfectionist and im not. english is not my first language, so communicating even is not easy for me. for the past 2 years it has gotten abusive. verbal abuse since the beginning, but now physical abuse. i cannot say anything to him, he will only get mad. i cannot buy anything for me or the kids. because i stay at home for the most part. even if i made my own money, he would never let me go shopping. we can be very cool, but those days never last long. i never thought about leaving, but now for the past 3 months i have been thinking about leaving. anytime we get into an argument, the first thing he always mentions is how bad he wants to divorce me. i hate this word, and it scares me to death. i dont know what to do. he says i can stay married to him if i dont interact with him at all, because that way he wont have to get mad, so i will be here and the kids get to have both parents. but whats the point? i am not happy staying like this either. i have lost all self hope and everything else that i used to be. now i am seeing that staying will only make things worse in time. he has told me many times that he has a love/hate relationship with me. he has told me many times that he would be relieved to know if i died. i dont know if i should beleive him or what? i just need advice. i have 2 little kids. my reason to stay has been them. how will i be as a divorcee and a single mom? life is scary. i have been with him since i was 18. he is all i know...and i dont know much anymore. my family is in the states. i'm thinking about starting all over again, but i dont know what to do and how to do it. i just need help. i dont have a college degree so how will i find a job? i know my parents will let us live with them for sure. so that is fine for a few months. but i dont want to stay there forever. even though they wouldnt mind. what is best for me and the kids? this relationship is just not getting any better. it will NEVER be how i want it to be.

what a f*cking pig!! i hope you get out of this unhealthy relationship. not just for the sake of you, but the children. it cannot be healthy for them to see this type of behavior. it can be damaging for them esp. at such a young age. i think starting over in the states with your family sounds great. they can be there to lend you shelter, day care, and maybe help you find a job once they're already established there. good luck darling!! i wish you the best!!

LouisLady · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:53 AM

hi nv,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and I do wish you way better because you definitely do deserve best for you & your kids!

It sounds like you already know whats best for you and now are just wanting to get that chance to get out. PLEASE DO GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I dont think that we need to tell you to leave your husband because you already figured that on your own. He definitely doesn't sound like he's even worth being with.

I think that you should go ahead & just move to the states with your parents and figure it out from there. You have to get going somehow and moving is a good start. you are lucky to know that you have somewhere to stay bc thats an advantage!

i know you mentioned you dont want the kids to stay there forever, but if your parents dont mind the stay, then why not? you're starting out again & it should give you time to figure things out.

Good luck & stay strong..

VPT · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:55 AM

Hats off to you, how could you live this way for 6 yrs?????? If I were you I would have walked out on him 6 yrs ago! I may be a patient person but when it comes to destroying my self esteem and abuse, that's where I put my foot down girl!

1. Change your insurance beneficiaries to your parents/siblings, not your kids no matter how much you love them. In the rare event anything happens to you (he kills you, which he might be capable of, since he's abusive), your children might get the money and he spends it. Not a good idea.

2. Put the kids in the hands of someone you trust... parents?

3. Get a restraining order from the police. (He may harm you when he discovers you want to divorce him)

4. Get a divorce lawyer. Try fight for your custody of kids, not joint custody.

Don't worry about the money. Money will find you in situations of need. While apart from him you can get a job.

Remember safety first. Safety for your kids and yourself. By continuing with him, you are teaching your kids the wrong thing about love and marriage. Stop getting abused, stop the kids' emotional abuse - they will feel your pain and manifest them in several different ways. Your man is controlling and outright crazy. You have a right to be yourself and nobody should twist your arm to get you to be someone you are never designed to be. PLEASE!

helium · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:56 AM

What a f*cking pig indeed... although I dare say calling such a man a pig is insulting to pigs!

I thought about your situation a bit and I am in no way mature enough to understand this situation fully, so I really want someone older to chime in, but I would definitely suggest leaving. I would go to your family's place, from there I would try to find out if there is government funding for single mothers in your country. If so, claim it so you have some income, and from there I would suggest thinking about your job.

nvmybag · Jun 18th, 2008, 06:59 AM

i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

helium · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvmybag

i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

Oh my God don't cry!

Of course it's hard, the future is scary and uncertain and you have two kids who depend on you fully. That and you've been with this guy since you were 18.

Good news is, you're not old at all! You still have a whole life ahead of you, please leave. Go home and take a course or something and start again. If not for your sake then for your kids, please.

LouisLady · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvmybag

i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

Nv, you got to realize how lucky you are to have your parents over here in the U.S. Not everyone has that as an advantage of somewhere to go.

I know it can be hard, but theres no good reason for you to stay in a condition like that.

It's a big step to get out, but I really wish you the best of courage & strength to move on.

LouisLady · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:04 AM

Another thing, since you mentioned he's abusive, I'm kind of worried what he would do if anything when you tell him you're leaving.

Is there any way you can do this without him knowing? Prepare everything and leave when he's away at work or something?

I don't think its safe to tell him you are planning to leave.

VPT · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvmybag

i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

Of course it is difficult. You have been victimized for way too long. I was formerly in an abusive relationship, screw that, I've been in abusive relationships for almost all my life, from abusive mother to abusive ex-boyfriend. As for the ex, he abused me so much that I felt like an insignificant speck of dust, I didn't know who I was nor which way's north. Leaving him took twice as long as the relationship lasted. I needed to find my bearings, get my act together and run for the hills. That was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Of course thankful to some very supportive friends. Do you have friends you can trust with secrets? Maybe they can support you emotionally and maybe take care of your kids while you sort things out.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvmybag

i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

i know its difficult when you have children involved. its like you wish so much this wasnt happening so you could provide that "perfect life" with two parents for your children, but my darling families come in all different shapes and sizes. (i know, my mother raised me herself!)

my aunt (who's my aunt in law because she was my uncle's wife's sister.. get it??) was in the same sit had two kids as well. she would call my mom all the situation, her husband was beating her for 8 years or so. it got really bad, she would call me my mom all the time (mom's a therapist) and just cry her heart out. she'd never dare talk back, who knows what he'll do to her. it got soooo bad, i remember when we were at the grandma's house and all the kids were in the living room playing and i hear my aunt her husband fighting (again) but this time it was bad. i heard him throwing things at her and she was dodging all of it. then all the sudden, BAM!! her head comes through the wall and is in the hallway of the room and living room. he slammed her head through. the look on her face was.. indescribable. she looked disgusted. embarrassed that her husband beats her, but even more so because we the children all just witnessed it. i believe that is what broke the straw on her back. she got out the room and came running into the kitchen. he soon to follow carrying a chair with it's legs faced out.. little did he know here she came with a butcher knife in her hand. she started to chase him, an he ran and ran. thank goodness my mom came into the house right then. the cops came. needless to say, they divorced.. took her many more years, but she finally remarried a couple years ago and has another child with her new loving husband.

i know it's hard, but dont wait til it get that bad please. im going to PM you now.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LouisLady

Another thing, since you mentioned he's abusive, I'm kind of worried what he would do if anything when you tell him you're leaving.

Is there any way you can do this without him knowing? Prepare everything and leave when he's away at work or something?

I don't think its safe to tell him you are planning to leave.

yes, i agree. pack only what you need in advanced, just in case. and then when he's off at work. SCRAM!!

(p.s.
not to hi-jack but i love your $30 purse louislady! what a great deal!!)

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VPT

Of course it is difficult. You have been victimized for way too long. I was formerly in an abusive relationship, screw that, I've been in abusive relationships for almost all my life, from abusive mother to abusive ex-boyfriend. As for the ex, he abused me so much that I felt like an insignificant speck of dust, I didn't know who I was nor which way's north. Leaving him took twice as long as the relationship lasted. I needed to find my bearings, get my act together and run for the hills. That was one of the best decisions I've made in my life. Of course thankful to some very supportive friends. Do you have friends you can trust with secrets? Maybe they can support you emotionally and maybe take care of your kids while you sort things out.

im very proud of you!!

i was also in an abusive relationship for 3 years. oh my god, if only i had friends like tPF to open up to, maybe i wouldnt have wasted so many years on that dead beat.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 18th, 2008, 07:21 AM

i wrote you a PM but i want to put an excerpt from the PM here for all the other ladies who may be being abused to read as well.. it may help someone.

"i want you to please be strong, for yourself, and your babies. do what you know is right, in your head and your heart. i know that you know by staying with him it is damaging for everyone involved. please protect your children. id hate for him to lash out either verbally or physically to the children. and i hate to see that they may be hearing the fighting. that is very scarring. you dont want them to think that love is abusive and painful. you want to show them a good example of what love it. sweet, enjoyable, loving... not this monster of a husband.

i think it's a great opportunity for you to go to the states. are your parents aware of what is happening? what is your husbands family like? how is the relationship between his mother and father?? how about him and his mother?? its an old saying, "he'll treat his wife how he treats his mother" and that usually a guy is looking for his mom in a marriage. thats because they only know past experiences and if his dad is abusive to his mother, its not surprising that he finds this behavior okay with you and the marriage you two share."

in addition, i wanted to link you to the sticky created by Cristina that links you to helpful resources. good luck my sweets!!

Resources, Info & Hotlines for Domestic Abuse, Suicide, Violence, Etc.

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:40 AM	#1
nvmybag Member	very difficult to share... hi guys, this is very difficult to share...i have never talked to anybody about this. i have been married for almost 6 yrs. have 2 little kids ages 3 and 1. ever since the beginning, husband wanted to leave me. i begged and pleaded. and almost daily he is upset with me. anything i do upsets him. the smallest things. he wants me to change, he is a perfectionist and im not. english is not my first language, so communicating even is not easy for me. for the past 2 years it has gotten abusive. verbal abuse since the beginning, but now physical abuse. i cannot say anything to him, he will only get mad. i cannot buy anything for me or the kids. because i stay at home for the most part. even if i made my own money, he would never let me go shopping. we can be very cool, but those days never last long. i never thought about leaving, but now for the past 3 months i have been thinking about leaving. anytime we get into an argument, the first thing he always mentions is how bad he wants to divorce me. i hate this word, and it scares me to death. i dont know what to do. he says i can stay married to him if i dont interact with him at all, because that way he wont have to get mad, so i will be here and the kids get to have both parents. but whats the point? i am not happy staying like this either. i have lost all self hope and everything else that i used to be. now i am seeing that staying will only make things worse in time. he has told me many times that he has a love/hate relationship with me. he has told me many times that he would be relieved to know if i died. i dont know if i should beleive him or what? i just need advice. i have 2 little kids. my reason to stay has been them. how will i be as a divorcee and a single mom? life is scary. i have been with him since i was 18. he is all i know...and i dont know much anymore. my family is in the states. i'm thinking about starting all over again, but i dont know what to do and how to do it. i just need help. i dont have a college degree so how will i find a job? i know my parents will let us live with them for sure. so that is fine for a few months. but i dont want to stay there forever. even though they wouldnt mind. what is best for me and the kids? this relationship is just not getting any better. it will NEVER be how i want it to be.

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:55 AM	#5
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Hats off to you, how could you live this way for 6 yrs?????? If I were you I would have walked out on him 6 yrs ago! I may be a patient person but when it comes to destroying my self esteem and abuse, that's where I put my foot down girl! 1. Change your insurance beneficiaries to your parents/siblings, not your kids no matter how much you love them. In the rare event anything happens to you (he kills you, which he might be capable of, since he's abusive), your children might get the money and he spends it. Not a good idea. 2. Put the kids in the hands of someone you trust... parents? 3. Get a restraining order from the police. (He may harm you when he discovers you want to divorce him) 4. Get a divorce lawyer. Try fight for your custody of kids, not joint custody. Don't worry about the money. Money will find you in situations of need. While apart from him you can get a job. Remember safety first. Safety for your kids and yourself. By continuing with him, you are teaching your kids the wrong thing about love and marriage. Stop getting abused, stop the kids' emotional abuse - they will feel your pain and manifest them in several different ways. Your man is controlling and outright crazy. You have a right to be yourself and nobody should twist your arm to get you to be someone you are never designed to be. PLEASE! __________________ Last edited by VPT; Jun 18th, 2008 at 07:06 AM.

Jun 18th, 2008, 07:21 AM	#15
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	i wrote you a PM but i want to put an excerpt from the PM here for all the other ladies who may be being abused to read as well.. it may help someone. "i want you to please be strong, for yourself, and your babies. do what you know is right, in your head and your heart. i know that you know by staying with him it is damaging for everyone involved. please protect your children. id hate for him to lash out either verbally or physically to the children. and i hate to see that they may be hearing the fighting. that is very scarring. you dont want them to think that love is abusive and painful. you want to show them a good example of what love it. sweet, enjoyable, loving... not this monster of a husband. i think it's a great opportunity for you to go to the states. are your parents aware of what is happening? what is your husbands family like? how is the relationship between his mother and father?? how about him and his mother?? its an old saying, "he'll treat his wife how he treats his mother" and that usually a guy is looking for his mom in a marriage. thats because they only know past experiences and if his dad is abusive to his mother, its not surprising that he finds this behavior okay with you and the marriage you two share." in addition, i wanted to link you to the sticky created by Cristina that links you to helpful resources. good luck my sweets!! Resources, Info & Hotlines for Domestic Abuse, Suicide, Violence, Etc. __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:47 AM	#2
helium Member	I don't know about the US, but in Australia the government gives quite a large payment for single mothers who are unemployed (although i'd still suggest getting a job). Every part of me tells me to get you to leave, but obviously financial security is a big issue for you right now. I think the other more mature women on this forum can chime in on that one, but I just know in some countries, the government does give money for tough situations.

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:53 AM	#4
LouisLady Member Location: south CA	hi nv, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this and I do wish you way better because you definitely do deserve best for you & your kids! It sounds like you already know whats best for you and now are just wanting to get that chance to get out. PLEASE DO GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I dont think that we need to tell you to leave your husband because you already figured that on your own. He definitely doesn't sound like he's even worth being with. I think that you should go ahead & just move to the states with your parents and figure it out from there. You have to get going somehow and moving is a good start. you are lucky to know that you have somewhere to stay bc thats an advantage! i know you mentioned you dont want the kids to stay there forever, but if your parents dont mind the stay, then why not? you're starting out again & it should give you time to figure things out. Good luck & stay strong..

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:56 AM	#6
helium Member	What a fcking pig indeed... although I dare say calling such a man a pig is insulting to pigs! I thought about your situation a bit and I am in no way mature enough to understand this situation fully, so I really want someone older to chime in, but I would definitely suggest leaving. I would go to your family's place, from there I would try to find out if there is government funding for single mothers in your country. If so, claim it so you have some* income, and from there I would suggest thinking about your job.

Jun 18th, 2008, 06:59 AM	#7
nvmybag Member	i'm crying reading your guyses responses.... it is soooooooooooo difficult to walk out... i dont know why.

Jun 18th, 2008, 07:04 AM	#10
LouisLady Member Location: south CA	Another thing, since you mentioned he's abusive, I'm kind of worried what he would do if anything when you tell him you're leaving. Is there any way you can do this without him knowing? Prepare everything and leave when he's away at work or something? I don't think its safe to tell him you are planning to leave.