[AndyB]

Hi

Just under a year ago now I broke up with my ex who I’d dated for just over 6 months. I know this isn’t particularly a long time to date someone but it’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I’m 27 and shes 24. To this day I still think about her all the time, I tried to stop contact on 3 occasions but although this works temporarily, she’d always end up e-mailing me a quick ‘Hi, how are you’ type thing and I’ve replied.

She is catholic and I’m not religious. I simply could not bring myself to agree with the teachings and possibly live the rest of my life following the rules of an organisation that I do not believe in.

Had I continued to be with her I knew I would become resentful as it would have been me that had to change my views to hers while hers remained intact.

I was also scared of some of the rules ………. Scared of something going wrong. I’m a guy, I like sex …… I don’t sleep around, I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I like sex !!. Giving up sex until marriage did enter my head. But would this bring about the possibility that I would rush into marriage to have sex? If yes, and things turned bad and we ended up divorced the consequences for me wouldn’t have been that bad. But what about her?, Catholics can’t get divorced in the eyes of god !!, can’t re-marry meaning she could live the rest of her life alone. I couldn’t carry the possibility of this happening on my shoulders.

Also a priest has to ok the marriage before it goes ahead in a catholic church. What if after we dated for say 3 to 4 years he said no? Personally if it were upto me I’d tell him where to stick it and marry elsewhere. But I was scared if this were the scenario then she would listen to the priest and simply not marry me. Then what?, no sex for 4 years? My prime years are passing me by and no g/friend or wife?

Then of course there are the anti-abortion rules. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not up for aborting babies left right and centre. But then again, mistakes do happen and I’m not sure I could ever rule that option out completely.

She really is one of the nicest, most caring people I know and I really wish we saw eye to eye on things. In a way I feel a bit sorry for her. She admits there is a serious lack of catholic guys about. Infact since knowing her I’ve discovered 2 other catholic women wanting to remain true to the church. All of them virgins, all single and all wanting to find b/friends who accept their rules.

Thanks for reading.
Andy

[mellecyn]

It looks like you did what was right for you. OK, some people convert in someone´s religion but if you don´t wish to and don´t "get" that religion there is no point, it wouldn´t work.
As for the priest, yes the couple has to do a preparation and show their faith, but it´s not like an exam ! (only to avoid couples who get married in a church bc it´s romantic)
You will find a sweet girl. For now maybe you should stop contact with her.
As for the catholic girls there are some dating sites for christians. (maybe the choice of men is limited vs. women I don´t know)
good luck, best to you

[bagnshoofetish]

wow. I commend you for being so considerate to your gf in thinking everything through very carefully. You are a good guy who seems to really love this girl. While I am a Christian, I am not a Catholic but I know they do have alot of rules as you stated about getting married in the church. Also, it sounds like she is very devout in her practice of the religion and that will certainly bring about clashes between the two of you. Unless you are willing to compromise with her on this very important life-issue, your'e probably right. It wouldn't work out in the long run. Its really a shame but there are things like this that always prove the true compatibility of a couple - be proud of yourself that you were man enough and mature enough to see it all for what it is. I think it showed great respect for your ex to have parted ways. You are a quality guy and will find someone eventually who will suit you. Till then, you probably will keep thinking about your ex but that will fade, especially if you find someone new. Just stay occupied with other things that are important to you.

[wordpast]

I agree with shoo, you seem to have really thought this out and did the right thing for both of you. The only thing that will make you get over her his time. In the mean time, try to go out and meet people, keep yourself busy, and as hard as it may be try not to dwell on the memories of her.

You sound like a good guy.You WILL eventually meet someone better suited for you.

[Traci]

Well, Andy, I want to say a few things to you.

First off, I have read some of your other posts where you mention this girlfriend and your religious differences, so that tells me that this has been on your mind for a long time.

Being Catholic yes, the church does have a lot of rules, but let me see if I can explain them to you a bit better.

1. The priest cannot tell you that you CAN'T get married. What that means is that you go to a one day class for marriage education then you get married. That's it. (Of course, you pay for this class.....)

2. Many people that are catholic get divorced. While it's true that in the "eyes of God" you are never divorced, you can still get divorced. You just cannot remarry in a church again.....unless of course, you make a donation to the church and then many people have gotten an "annulment" which means you were never married at all and then you can get married again in a church.

3. I am a catholic and believe in my faith but there are a lot of "rules" and "things" about the church rules that I do not agree with or think are not right. However, you go through your daily life with whatever is in your heart and God knows what is in your heart so that is the most important thing.

4. You have been talking about this girl for a long time and I think that you must really care about her. Perhaps more than you realize. If you do...then I think that you should talk more with her about it. It's not as black and white as you think it is. You are still talking about her and she is still emailing you...that should tell you right there. You would not be the first couple to have religious issues, there are MANY!! The trick is that if you both care about each other, then you will work it out.

Perhaps if you found out a bit more about the catholic religion and practices you would not feel as though you were entering into something that could only turn out badly.

I wish you luck with this and hope that you will decide to give it another chance with her because your heart is obviously looking for her....

[huong]

Wow. I think you are a very considerate and caring guy if you gave that much thought to her and her feelings. It probably wouldn't have worked out in the long run because of all the reasons that you stated. Just keep busy and take care of yourself. You'll eventually find someone new and when you do, this one will be only a memory from the past.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by Traci

.... you go through your daily life with whatever is in your heart and God knows what is in your heart so that is the most important thing....

Amen to this!

[keya]

I think you did the right thing, she needs to find a guy who shares her beliefs or it'll probably end up causing friction in the relationship.

[Jahpson]

religion wasnt the reason you two came together so why should it keep you apart?

[Bubble Girl]

I read all your other posts too Andy and there must be a reason why you can't forget this girl. You obviously still love her very deeply. Is she still unwilling to come to a compromise on anything?

[fiatflux]

I think it's kind of ironic that she probably won't ever find a "Catholic" guy who is as ethical or as caring in their convictions as you are. !!

[ragamuffin]

My parents were married in the Catholic church, my mom is not a religous person and my dad left the church years ago. But at that time the priest found my mother had willingness to accept the faith and raise her children in it. My fathers family is still very active with the church and we are the only ones who are not. If you are willing to adopt some of the "ways" of the faith and allow your wife to raise your children in her chosen faith I do not see it being a problem. It really seems like you love this girl, I would not give up hope on her. Maybe you have some soul searching to do. My husband and I are different faiths and it works because I have no ties to my church anymore and our children are part of his church and love going with him and his family. I've always been a wedding, funeral and Christmas type of girl anyhow. I wish you luck and hope you can find the balance that will work for you. Don't give up on it just yet.

[Ladybug09]

Andy, many of the words I want to say is expressed very well by others in this post.

The only thing I want to say is that if after all this time (a year), and through some time apart, she is STILL on your mind, it means something much. If this is someone you love and care about, and if it is your choice, I would reconnect with her and truly sit down with her and tell her your feelings AND your concerns that have held you back. We as women love a man who can speak his heart and mind.

Also, I would like to commend you on taking the break, thinking about the religious aspect of your rship with her.


And please oh, please don't step in the shallow end, if you want her back, jump into the deep end with both feet. Whatever the ending, any woman who ends up with you will get a good man.

I wish you all the best!

[Speedy]

Andy, I think you're thinking about strict Roman Catholic rules. But I've yet to hear of a priest saying two cannot marry when they've asked. It's more of a class about what's expected from a Catholic couple... and yes, you'd have to convert.

I think your concerns are deeper than just her religion... you are trying to figure out why she's contacting you now with messages AFTER you've broken up, yes? You want to know why she's reaching out to you after all this time, and you admit you still think about her. I think you need to get through the "what does she want" part before you wory about "do I have to become Catholic to marry her" part.

I'm Catholic, and been married three times. My first was also a Catholic, although we coulnd't get married in the Church back then (1973) because we'd had a child before we married. Second was an agnostic, and the last one is a Methodist. The pastor of his family's church performed the ceremony, but we held it in his Mom's backyard... because I wasn't a member of his Church, I couldn't be married IN the building, but I could be married BY the pastor. Organized religion is weird.

Best of luck to you, but first find out what your ex is up to before you worry about church rules.

[sea0fyears]

I was raised Catholic and even completed all my sacraments, although I am openly agnostic now. I was married in the Catholic church when I was 19 to a very strict Roman Catholic. I had my religious doubts at the time, but I really liked this guy so I figured what the heck? I know all the rules, I can do this. We were married for about a year when all the resentment finally built up to a head. There were just too many things I couldn't see eye to eye on. We got a divorce, and for his sake, an annulment. It was friendly, but we no longer speak to each other.. just fell out of touch. I am now married to another agnostic and couldn't be happier. We were married outdoors in a civil ceremony, deliberately omitting mention of "God."

Some info for all the non-Catholics out there...

1) You do have to go to "classes" to get married in the church. I think it depends what Diocese you belong to, but I had to do two. An engaged encounter over a weekend, and a one on one class with the priest. The encounter was in the $200 range, but it was an overnight (I bunked with another girl at the encounter.. no cohabitation allowed).

2) There was an "exam" with about 100 questions (answers were in the form of 'how strongly do you feel about children, church, etc') We were each tested separately and our answers were compared and considered by the priest so that he could give the "ok".

3) I have medical issues, and one of the key points of this "pre-screen" was could I and would I be willing to endanger my health to have children. There is a standing rule that if you have knowledge that you cannot bear children you aren't "allowed" to get married in the Catholic church. If you are not Catholic I believe you have to sign a document saying that you will raise your children Catholic. Children are a must in the church.

In my experience religion is one of the things that you MUST agree on (or at least compromise on) if you want a successful marriage. Maybe this girl is willing to meet you in the middle? DH's parents have been married for 35 years and his father is agnostic and his mother is Methodist (I think). He lets her do her church groups and just doesn't participate unless asked. It's common knowledge that he doesn't hold the same beliefs, he just doesn't call her out on it or hold it against her. Mixed faith marriages DO work, if you're willing to work at it.