To Tell Or Not

loveMandieLee · Oct 2nd, 2008, 04:26 PM

I have toyed with the idea of having depression. However, I don't have an event in my mind that would have triggered this. I feel like this is more laziness than depression. I don't understand how I could be this lazy though. It's not like I did terribly in HS. I graduated with a 3.43, so I'm very capable of getting good grades.

My spending is emotionally tied. I tend to buy things for happiness, but I still get happiness from other areas. An upcoming concert, seeing my friends when I go home for fall break, Monday TV night down the hall with the girls. I feel like if it was depression then I would be completely closed off from people, and would only sleep and eat. I really don't know the chicken or the egg answer.

I've talked to my advisor, and she's told me that my chances of getting into my department aren't looking very good. My workload is minimal, and yet I'm falling behind. I'm in my junior year, so if I left and came back. I'd barely have time to build on this low GPA.

mishka · Oct 2nd, 2008, 04:29 PM

Do you have a friend at school? Are you getting any exercise? I think this is a bit common actually when kids go to college and lose the structure they had at home. I think a schedule would help you and also someone to talk to.

Can you go to see a counselor at school and tell them all of this? It sounds like you are having trouble mustering up the willpower needed to be productive and make decisions. I know that when I was in college, I needed a schedule and I had to make a habit of doing what I knew I needed to do. It only takes a few weeks to make a habit into a lifestyle.

Whether you tell your parents depends on your relationship with them. If you think they can help you, then I would tell them RIGHT NOW. Because you are in a position right now where you can set yourself up to fail your whole life, or you can learn the skills necessary to succeed. It's truly your choice. You need to get back on track and learn to focus and get it together. You can do it, but you have to believe you can and you have to work for it. You might be a bit depressed. Your counselor can help you with that. Exercise can also help, and it'll give you more energy and it also helps you by knowing that you made a good decision to exercise and now you want to also make good decisions in other areas of life.

I wouldn't take a semester off from school. What would you do instead? Get a job? You could try getting a job at the 7/11 and it might scare you into finding that willpower within yourself....

You have all the tools you need inside of yourself. It might just take a little help and a little work to find them...

loveMandieLee · Oct 2nd, 2008, 05:39 PM

If I took a semster off from college, I would work at my summer job, and probably take a few community college courses.

Yes, I have friends here. I don't have a group of 50, but I've got a decent amount. I don't tend to exercise, but that's never been my thing. That's not to say that I wouldn't do it. It's not something I usually did before.

The thing is I don't see how a counselor is going to help me get motivated. If I know what I need to do, but just am not putting it into action. I don't see how they're going to give me any new information than what I already have.

I've told my parents before I'm not sure about my current career path. I'm not sure if this is the right major for me etc. I guess I'll just have to have another discussion with them.

lolitakali · Oct 2nd, 2008, 06:05 PM

Yeap, kudos for doing everything on your own!

Like you, my mother totally forbid me to have a credit card when I was in College & I am a foreign student at that... wise move by her. Although she does use the threat to cut off all funds were I to open one. But, she did give me the scenario of not ever needing a credit card (tuition, room & board, air tickets all paid for & pocket money).

To tell or not, will of course be your decision.

If you can handle the situation, don't mention it.

BUT...

If you need their help, you will need to tell them.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 2nd, 2008, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loveMandieLee

They always say when I keep things from them that they wish I had told them earlier.

But are they referring to things that involve them? There is a difference between telling them something because it affects them and telling them something just to kvetch to them about something you can fix by yourself. You say you don't feel the need for a counselor, then, take care of everything on your own. I still say, have a chat with them AFTER you have remedied the situation so they can see how you have matured.

glamgirl84 · Oct 2nd, 2008, 11:58 PM

You do realize that if you flunk out of college you still have to pay back all of those student loans that you took out to pay for the classes you don't attend, right? You can never, ever get rid of student loans (not even if you declare bankruptcy 8291082 times) so, instead of worrying about the $6,000 in credit card debt I would start worrying about the thousands and thousands of dollars in student loan debt that you have right now. if you flunk out of college you will have nothing to show for all of the student loan money you spent, and will also have to start paying back the money w/ whatever you can earn w/ just a high school degree. i hate to say this but you REALLY need to get your act together.

I dont think you need to tell your parents about your credit card debt, but I do think you should think again about talking to them about school. It seems to me that you need to know that someone is watching you and expecting something from you, otherwise you won't keep at your school work on your own. Otherwise, maybe you need to schedule weekly check in meetings w/ your guidance counselor. Either way you need help to get back on track, and you need someone to watch over you and make sure youre getting your sh*t done in order to motivate yourself to fix this problem.

glamgirl84 · Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:01 AM

And also- if you take a semester off from school interest will continue to grow on your loan debt and you might even have to start paying it back during your hiatus. Can you make enough money at your summer job to do that?

jello_1955 · Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:11 AM

If you can stop charging anything more and have a firm plan to pay the cards off, then I think you can avoid that conversation with them.

Avoiding the college thing could be tricky, especially if at some point they will be expecting to attend your graduation. I know someone who kept telling their parents everything was good -- they found out he wasn't graduating when they showed up at the ceremony!

EmmaLee83 · Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:41 AM

I agree with everyone else here about keeping quiet with the credit card debt. If you are working to pay it off and you have the problem under control then just keep paying as much as you can every month.

The school thing is a little more difficult. If you do flunk out, what are you going to tell them then? Are you going to surprise them with the fact that you failed out (and then they will undoubtedly ask you why you didn't tell them you were doing poorly before) or are you going to lie and just say you dropped out in which case they will probably find out the truth someday whether you planned for them to or not? I would say if you value your relationship with your parents, you are going to have to tell them about school unless you get your act together REAL fast.

simona7 · Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:53 AM

I agree that you don't need to discuss the credit card debt. However, you should probably cut up your credit cards until they are paid (or close to paid). That way you are taking it seriously and you will pay it off.
About school... do you think it's the subject(s) you are studying or the school or that you just aren't sure what you want to do with your life? If you aren't sure then maybe you should take off a semester and take a community class and maybe travel, get another job etc. Sometimes you need a change in your life to see what you want from life. Perhaps talk to a therapist. They might help you focus or see if you do have depression. If you do take off a semester or more than I would tell the parents. They might get upset but they should know that you need to figure out what you want from life. Good luck!

elle tee · Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:06 AM

Mandie, I'm going to share a story with you. It's one I don't like to tell very often because it's not something I'm proud of, but I hope it will help you...
When I was 18, I got alcohol poisoning. It was stupid and 100% preventable, I just stopped thinking for the span of about 15 mins while I downed 6 shots of vodka. Not a good idea when you weigh 95 lbs. I was taken to the emergency room and kept there overnight. At the time, I lived on the East Coast and my mom lived on the West Coast. I was terrified to tell her what had happened. I was scared she would be angry, or worse, disappointed. But I was also scared because I was facing a hefty hospital bill, and scared that I had lost control like that. I needed my mom. So I called her, took a deep breath, and told her what had happened. And you know what? She wasn't angry, or disappointed, really. She said, that was stupid of you, but everyone does stupid stuff, and you survived which is what counts. She did say, you're an adult, you'll have to fix it on your own- I wouldn't have wanted her to pay for it, frankly- but she offered me comfort and support when I really needed it.

What I'm trying to say is, have a little faith in your parents. Don't ask for anything other than their love. Your age (it's my age too- I'm 21) is an age when we still need some parenting, because we're transitioning into adulthood but it doesn't happen overnight. My mom understood it, and hopefully your parents will too. Good luck- and please, meet with counselors and academic advisors at your school, to see what help they can offer you.

loveMandieLee · Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:17 AM

I think I'll set up an appointment with my advisor next week. I haven't decided about meeting with an actual guidance counselor yet about my lack of motivation, possible depression.

My parents really do need to know how terribly I'm doing. It's stange I do feel like my major isn't right for me, but yet I don't know anything else I could possibly do. I don't have a drawing talent, or something specific that would point me in one direction.

GlamGirl-I know everything about my student loans, and paying them off. I've read a nice student section in my Suze Orman book. I also realize I need to get my life together. I get stressed about this affecting my entire life. The fact that I now can't get into the sorority I want, the internship I want and the job I want. What does this lead me to do? Stress so much I almost just want to crawl up and wish everything would change. This goes through my head every single day, and it actually makes things worse for me. It's what is pushing me towards my spending and more bad grades. I know it doesn't make sense. Why would being stressed over bad grades not cause me to turn everything around? I guess it's the fact that I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never get to the point that I need to be at.

Elle-Thanks for sharing your story. My parents would be completely supportive of me. However, it's just such a hard thing to be such a disappointment to my own parents. The people who would give me anything. Worse, I'm such a disappointment to myself.

bagnshoofetish · Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loveMandieLee

... I'm such a disappointment to myself.

This is a good time to learn how to forgive yourself. Your parents will, trust me. You are not so far gone that you cannot turn things around for the better. Forgive yourself, kick yourself in the ass and make some changes for the better. We all screw up. Its all fixable. Someday if you have a child of your own, your experience now will help them later. And they won't be able to say you don't know what you are talking about!

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:35 AM

I would never have my parents bail me out of debt.

That being said, you say you have a hard time getting your act together in school. You feel no motivation, so maybe if you tell your parents they will push you to get straight. I know it sucks to be under the eye of your parents, but I think if knowing that they are on you it will force you to be on top of things better in fear of the repercussions of even just a simple lecture.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:36 AM

p.s.

shoo, your link isnt working on your siggy!! :[

Oct 2nd, 2008, 04:26 PM	#16
loveMandieLee Member	I have toyed with the idea of having depression. However, I don't have an event in my mind that would have triggered this. I feel like this is more laziness than depression. I don't understand how I could be this lazy though. It's not like I did terribly in HS. I graduated with a 3.43, so I'm very capable of getting good grades. My spending is emotionally tied. I tend to buy things for happiness, but I still get happiness from other areas. An upcoming concert, seeing my friends when I go home for fall break, Monday TV night down the hall with the girls. I feel like if it was depression then I would be completely closed off from people, and would only sleep and eat. I really don't know the chicken or the egg answer. I've talked to my advisor, and she's told me that my chances of getting into my department aren't looking very good. My workload is minimal, and yet I'm falling behind. I'm in my junior year, so if I left and came back. I'd barely have time to build on this low GPA. __________________

Oct 2nd, 2008, 05:39 PM	#18
loveMandieLee Member	If I took a semster off from college, I would work at my summer job, and probably take a few community college courses. Yes, I have friends here. I don't have a group of 50, but I've got a decent amount. I don't tend to exercise, but that's never been my thing. That's not to say that I wouldn't do it. It's not something I usually did before. The thing is I don't see how a counselor is going to help me get motivated. If I know what I need to do, but just am not putting it into action. I don't see how they're going to give me any new information than what I already have. I've told my parents before I'm not sure about my current career path. I'm not sure if this is the right major for me etc. I guess I'll just have to have another discussion with them. __________________

Oct 2nd, 2008, 06:05 PM	#19
lolitakali Mira Location: Maryland	Yeap, kudos for doing everything on your own! Like you, my mother totally forbid me to have a credit card when I was in College & I am a foreign student at that... wise move by her. Although she does use the threat to cut off all funds were I to open one. But, she did give me the scenario of not ever needing a credit card (tuition, room & board, air tickets all paid for & pocket money). To tell or not, will of course be your decision. If you can handle the situation, don't mention it. BUT... If you need their help, you will need to tell them. __________________ *Best way to diet is to eat what you hate, not eat what you love.* *$$$$$ / GOLD = "my precious".* -ME to be a dragon hoarding gold-

Oct 2nd, 2008, 11:58 PM	#21
glamgirl84 Member	You do realize that if you flunk out of college you still have to pay back all of those student loans that you took out to pay for the classes you don't attend, right? You can never, ever get rid of student loans (not even if you declare bankruptcy 8291082 times) so, instead of worrying about the $6,000 in credit card debt I would start worrying about the thousands and thousands of dollars in student loan debt that you have right now. if you flunk out of college you will have nothing to show for all of the student loan money you spent, and will also have to start paying back the money w/ whatever you can earn w/ just a high school degree. i hate to say this but you REALLY need to get your act together. I dont think you need to tell your parents about your credit card debt, but I do think you should think again about talking to them about school. It seems to me that you need to know that someone is watching you and expecting something from you, otherwise you won't keep at your school work on your own. Otherwise, maybe you need to schedule weekly check in meetings w/ your guidance counselor. Either way you need help to get back on track, and you need someone to watch over you and make sure youre getting your sh*t done in order to motivate yourself to fix this problem. __________________

Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:01 AM	#22
glamgirl84 Member	And also- if you take a semester off from school interest will continue to grow on your loan debt and you might even have to start paying it back during your hiatus. Can you make enough money at your summer job to do that? __________________

Oct 2nd, 2008, 04:29 PM	#17
mishka Member Location: Lake Tahoe, California	Do you have a friend at school? Are you getting any exercise? I think this is a bit common actually when kids go to college and lose the structure they had at home. I think a schedule would help you and also someone to talk to. Can you go to see a counselor at school and tell them all of this? It sounds like you are having trouble mustering up the willpower needed to be productive and make decisions. I know that when I was in college, I needed a schedule and I had to make a habit of doing what I knew I needed to do. It only takes a few weeks to make a habit into a lifestyle. Whether you tell your parents depends on your relationship with them. If you think they can help you, then I would tell them RIGHT NOW. Because you are in a position right now where you can set yourself up to fail your whole life, or you can learn the skills necessary to succeed. It's truly your choice. You need to get back on track and learn to focus and get it together. You can do it, but you have to believe you can and you have to work for it. You might be a bit depressed. Your counselor can help you with that. Exercise can also help, and it'll give you more energy and it also helps you by knowing that you made a good decision to exercise and now you want to also make good decisions in other areas of life. I wouldn't take a semester off from school. What would you do instead? Get a job? You could try getting a job at the 7/11 and it might scare you into finding that willpower within yourself.... You have all the tools you need inside of yourself. It might just take a little help and a little work to find them...

Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:11 AM	#23
jello_1955 Member Location: California	If you can stop charging anything more and have a firm plan to pay the cards off, then I think you can avoid that conversation with them. Avoiding the college thing could be tricky, especially if at some point they will be expecting to attend your graduation. I know someone who kept telling their parents everything was good -- they found out he wasn't graduating when they showed up at the ceremony!

Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:41 AM	#24
EmmaLee83 Member	I agree with everyone else here about keeping quiet with the credit card debt. If you are working to pay it off and you have the problem under control then just keep paying as much as you can every month. The school thing is a little more difficult. If you do flunk out, what are you going to tell them then? Are you going to surprise them with the fact that you failed out (and then they will undoubtedly ask you why you didn't tell them you were doing poorly before) or are you going to lie and just say you dropped out in which case they will probably find out the truth someday whether you planned for them to or not? I would say if you value your relationship with your parents, you are going to have to tell them about school unless you get your act together REAL fast.

Oct 3rd, 2008, 12:53 AM	#25
simona7 Bag Lady	I agree that you don't need to discuss the credit card debt. However, you should probably cut up your credit cards until they are paid (or close to paid). That way you are taking it seriously and you will pay it off. About school... do you think it's the subject(s) you are studying or the school or that you just aren't sure what you want to do with your life? If you aren't sure then maybe you should take off a semester and take a community class and maybe travel, get another job etc. Sometimes you need a change in your life to see what you want from life. Perhaps talk to a therapist. They might help you focus or see if you do have depression. If you do take off a semester or more than I would tell the parents. They might get upset but they should know that you need to figure out what you want from life. Good luck! __________________ Holiday RAOK time!!!

Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:06 AM	#26
elle tee Member Location: nyc	Mandie, I'm going to share a story with you. It's one I don't like to tell very often because it's not something I'm proud of, but I hope it will help you... When I was 18, I got alcohol poisoning. It was stupid and 100% preventable, I just stopped thinking for the span of about 15 mins while I downed 6 shots of vodka. Not a good idea when you weigh 95 lbs. I was taken to the emergency room and kept there overnight. At the time, I lived on the East Coast and my mom lived on the West Coast. I was terrified to tell her what had happened. I was scared she would be angry, or worse, disappointed. But I was also scared because I was facing a hefty hospital bill, and scared that I had lost control like that. I needed my mom. So I called her, took a deep breath, and told her what had happened. And you know what? She wasn't angry, or disappointed, really. She said, that was stupid of you, but everyone does stupid stuff, and you survived which is what counts. She did say, you're an adult, you'll have to fix it on your own- I wouldn't have wanted her to pay for it, frankly- but she offered me comfort and support when I really needed it. What I'm trying to say is, have a little faith in your parents. Don't ask for anything other than their love. Your age (it's my age too- I'm 21) is an age when we still need some parenting, because we're transitioning into adulthood but it doesn't happen overnight. My mom understood it, and hopefully your parents will too. Good luck- and please, meet with counselors and academic advisors at your school, to see what help they can offer you.

Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:17 AM	#27
loveMandieLee Member	I think I'll set up an appointment with my advisor next week. I haven't decided about meeting with an actual guidance counselor yet about my lack of motivation, possible depression. My parents really do need to know how terribly I'm doing. It's stange I do feel like my major isn't right for me, but yet I don't know anything else I could possibly do. I don't have a drawing talent, or something specific that would point me in one direction. GlamGirl-I know everything about my student loans, and paying them off. I've read a nice student section in my Suze Orman book. I also realize I need to get my life together. I get stressed about this affecting my entire life. The fact that I now can't get into the sorority I want, the internship I want and the job I want. What does this lead me to do? Stress so much I almost just want to crawl up and wish everything would change. This goes through my head every single day, and it actually makes things worse for me. It's what is pushing me towards my spending and more bad grades. I know it doesn't make sense. Why would being stressed over bad grades not cause me to turn everything around? I guess it's the fact that I feel like no matter what I do, I'll never get to the point that I need to be at. Elle-Thanks for sharing your story. My parents would be completely supportive of me. However, it's just such a hard thing to be such a disappointment to my own parents. The people who would give me anything. Worse, I'm such a disappointment to myself. __________________

Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:35 AM	#29
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	I would never have my parents bail me out of debt. That being said, you say you have a hard time getting your act together in school. You feel no motivation, so maybe if you tell your parents they will push you to get straight. I know it sucks to be under the eye of your parents, but I think if knowing that they are on you it will force you to be on top of things better in fear of the repercussions of even just a simple lecture. __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!

Oct 3rd, 2008, 01:36 AM	#30
oo0ehxtahcee0oo ☺Livin the good life Location: ♥In my DF's arms♥	p.s. shoo, your link isnt working on your siggy!! :[ __________________ [Click photo to read thread!] My blog site has great FREE goodies!! (updated 11/26) www,dearmissie.blogspot.com We did it!! New Crafts Subforum celebration here!!