Welcome to The Purse Forum.

floridasun8 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:15 AM

Has anyone else started this "ritual"

yet? I know this is about the time that most people start planning travel for Thanksgiving at least to get airfare. My in-laws and dh's huge family lives about 1,000 miles away and he is insisting to go see them this year. I get along with his parents, but as far as the rest of his family and all their kids, I dont care for.

Our trip would consist of sitting in various peoples houses for days at a time, of which I despise! I always feel uncomfortable sitting in someone elses house. Combined with the fact that they are big "family people" of which I am not (I have my parents and grandmother only...no brothers or sisters), so I feel uncomfortable with the whole situation to begin with, AND they have a bunch of little kids around, of which I dont like small kids. In other words,I would be completely miserable the entire long weekend!

One thing I told dh I would absolutely NOT put up with is staying at one of their houses overnight, so he agreed to get a hotel room, but combined with the airfare for 3, hotel nights for about 3 nights, rental car, etc. it would get quite expensive, of which we cant really afford anyway. And besides, if I was going to spend $2k on a vacation, it would be on a cruise or to the caribbean (somewhere I WANTED to go), not somewhere I felt the obligation to go to. We are going to be suffering some really huge financial problems here soon due to a business situation, so I personally feel we dont have the money. Of course dh gets mad because he hasnt seen his family in a few years. This is all in addition to the issue with leaving our dogs behind as well, of which they would not get any real exercise for 3-4 days (the dog sitter only does a dash in/dash out during busy periods) and the extra cost of having the dog sitter come in as well.

Sorry for writing a book, but I just needed to vent. I know there are others that start facing the same situation near the holidays but ours started early.
So, if you face the same problems, please chime in and tell me how you handle it. Do you just go and suck it up and be miserable for the entire Thanskgiving weekend? Or do you put your foot down no matter what and refuse to go?

Charles · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:35 AM

Of course you're gonna be miserable cause you're going into it with a negative attitude. I hate to say it, but when you marry someone, you marry a lot of stuff that you might not realize. This is one of those things. This is the man you love and these are the people he loves (which he hasn't seen in a few years). Go with him and try to make the best of it. Maybe you don't like going cause you've never gotten to really know his family and you've never gotten to know his family cause you're always so disinterested when you see them. It's kind of a catch-22 there. See if this time you can bond with them somehow and maybe future visits won't be so bad.

floridasun8 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

Of course you're gonna be miserable cause you're going into it with a negative attitude. I hate to say it, but when you marry someone, you marry a lot of stuff that you might not realize. This is one of those things. This is the man you love and these are the people he loves (which he hasn't seen in a few years). Go with him and try to make the best of it. Maybe you don't like going cause you've never gotten to really know his family and you've never gotten to know his family cause you're always so disinterested when you see them. It's kind of a catch-22 there. See if this time you can bond with them somehow and maybe future visits won't be so bad.

For the first 3 years of our marriage, we lived near them, so we were always at one of their houses because with big families, they always seem to want to have some get together for whatever reason. I did not grow up that way so it is uncomfortable to me, but I did put up with it. Not only is this ruining my holiday, but we also really dont have the money. Come the end of the year, we will either be faced with a $30-40,000 bill or have to file bankruptcy. Thats the situation we are in, not just I dont want to spend it.
I just see this is going to be a source of contention until the holidays of which I hate.

juneping · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:51 AM

agree....if your DH really want to go..i think it's better to respect his wish.

cutiepie21 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:02 AM

I don't think she should have to bend over backwards for her husband. It's not fair for her, and puts women in a sexist role. Unless her husband is always doing things he really doesn't want to do for her benefit, I don't think she should feel an obligation. Her husband should spend the holiday with his family and she should spend the holiday however she wants to.

vhdos · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:09 AM

Well, being married to someone means being a part of their family - like it or not. I'd say, buck up and deal with it or your marriage is going to suffer. I have issues with DH's family (his mom in particular) because of the way she treats her kids sometimes. Even though we have our differences, I remain friends with her and do what I can to promote harmony. As far as your finances are concerned, does your DH feel the same way? It sounds like the two of you have some serious communicating to do.
We used to have the same rituals of going home for the holidays, then we had kids. We decided it was just too much and now family travels to see us.
Best of luck on your situation.

Kitsunegrl · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:16 AM

How long has it been since DH has seen his family? If it has been more than 2 years, then I think you should make the effort to go. I understand that large family is not part of your comfort zone (it's not mine either), but I am sure that your DH has done things for you that he wasn't entirely comfortable with too.
At some point, everyone is getting older and will not be around to see "later"; if you can, go with your husband and try to have a good time. Surely in such a large family, thre is at least one person you can relate to and have a nice time with.......from there you might find out you have more in common with these people than you thought.

dallas · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:40 AM

I would certainly not refuse to go. I would put a silly smile on my face, take a bottle or two of my favourite liquid goodness and let him have a wonderful visit with his family. Your husband hasn't seen his family for years, please don't spoil this for him.

claireZk · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

I don't think she should have to bend over backwards for her husband. It's not fair for her, and puts women in a sexist role. Unless her husband is always doing things he really doesn't want to do for her benefit, I don't think she should feel an obligation. Her husband should spend the holiday with his family and she should spend the holiday however she wants to.

Are you serious??? Marriage is all about compromise-- this has nothing to do with sexism whatsoever. What if this was the other way around & her DH refused to go see her family for the holidays because it was too much of a hassle & he "didn't want to" ?!... Everyone would say he was being difficult, immature and unsupportive!

I'm sorry, but this is something I feel VERY strongly about: When you marry someone, you become part of their family too. A fair compromise would be every other year is spent with each family-- one year with DH's, the next year with DW's, and so on... no excuses.

chinahopes · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:27 AM

I'm married with 2 kids, and aside from the my closest family is 900 miles away. His family is about 700 miles away, and we spend every holiday at home, my ourselves. To me, Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what you have, and having a very comfortable day with lots of food and music, etc.

I wouldn't consider ever spending Thanksgiving away from my own home.. there's just something about Thanksgiving and I like my own food, not having to feel uncomfortable getting up for seconds, or going in the fridge, KWIM? I realize tens of millions of people are not in their own home for Thanksgiving, and I'd be more than willing to host anybody who wanted to come over, but I always want it to be in my own house, I'm weird I guess..

floridasun8 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:55 AM

Thanks everyone for your opinions so far. Chinahopes...I really envy you! lol I wish I had the ability to completely stay put on holidays....and go to NOBODYS house!

As others have mentioned, yes my dh has done things for me before that he didnt want to do, however, he wasnt happy about it and showed (dh jokes all the time and says that he will do anything I ask, but he reserves the right to b*tch about it!) , and the things that he has done for me have been about a days worth max. This is requiring me to not enjoy the holidays for 3-4 days of which only come once a year and a time that I usually greatly enjoy. It looks like I am going to HAVE to go, but I will also not be happy about it. I can enjoy hanging around his mother, however the rest of the family, particularly the kids are going to drive me up the wall....quickly! And like chinahopes said, you just cant feel comfortable in someone elses house getting seconds, going into the fridge, cabinets,etc.

My dh just has this fairy tale idea in his mind that he wants this big happy family where everyone gets along, we all enjoy all this family time together, and everyone is so lovey-dovey, and thats just not reality. I have told him this but he still doesnt understand. When someone doesnt grow up with that and doesnt understand that lifestyle, you cant just automatically turn into this happy go-lucky, close knit family type of person. Thats not me, and dh knew that when we married.

I know exactly how the "vacation" is going to go and I guess I'm just going to have to put up with it to keep the peace. A stop at the liquor store I think is going to be a definite though! lol

Charles · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:01 PM

Just curious, what don't you like about a big family get together? I'm an only child and we didn't have a huge family, but I def like getting together with a bunch of people and eating and chit chatting.
Is it his family specifically, or do you have anxiety issues with crowds? Are they boring?

I don't know, it just seems like you've already set yourself up for having a crappy time. It looks like you're going to have to go, so make the best out of it!

twin53 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:05 PM

adjust your attitude and go. your DH hasn't seen them in a few years. it's all part of life. no one promises anyone a tomorrow. you'll have fun. i always loved seeing my in-laws and vise versa. our families are a part of who we are. at least you don't have to cook!

natalie78 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:21 PM

I hate family get-togethers too. I come from a small family where an entire family gathering consists of 4 or 5 people. DH's family is a whole other story. Their family gatherings consist of no less than 15 people. I hate every minute of it. But I smile and act like I am enjoying myself. It makes DH happy and it's only once a year. Alcohol is the key.

floridasun8 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

Just curious, what don't you like about a big family get together? I'm an only child and we didn't have a huge family, but I def like getting together with a bunch of people and eating and chit chatting.
Is it his family specifically, or do you have anxiety issues with crowds? Are they boring?

I don't know, it just seems like you've already set yourself up for having a crappy time. It looks like you're going to have to go, so make the best out of it!

I've set myself up for a crappy time because I've been through this many times before and I know exactly how it will go. DH promises this and that before we get there, but once there, its a different story. i.e We cant leave when I'm tired at night because they are having fun, he leaves me alone and goes off galavanting with his brothers, he promises we'll do other things than just sit in someones house the entire weekend, but thats all we do, etc.

About large families, yes I am an only child, but I've never "gotten it". I am not a family person. I am very independent. My family has never been the lovey-dovey, huggy kissy type. I talk to my mother *maybe* once a week, but we both have our seperate lives. We get together for holidays and maybe a few times throughout the year for other events, but thats it. I never saw the reason and thought it was ridiculous that everyone in a family has to stop what they are doing to be with the rest when something is going on. My parents only live 45 minutes away from me and we are like this. Family has just never been a big deal for us. We dont get together for birthdays, annivesarys, constant parties, etc. My parents always joke that they dont even know when their own anniversary is lol but dh's family makes a huge deal out of every anniversary, etc. I've never gotten that, I dont understand it and it doesnt interest me. I do get anxiety when I have to sit at someones house for hours at a time...particularly when I dont feel comfortable there, as I've already mentioned with food, drinks, moving around, etc. Heck, I get anxiety in my OWN house when I have to sit for long periods of time lol We'll see what becomes of it. I'm just dreading the holidays this year and thats a bad position to be in.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:15 AM	#1
floridasun8 OP Member Joined: Nov 2008 Location: Under a Palm Tree Posts: 1,875	The arguments over holidays have already started Has anyone else started this "ritual" yet? I know this is about the time that most people start planning travel for Thanksgiving at least to get airfare. My in-laws and dh's huge family lives about 1,000 miles away and he is insisting to go see them this year. I get along with his parents, but as far as the rest of his family and all their kids, I dont care for. Our trip would consist of sitting in various peoples houses for days at a time, of which I despise! I always feel uncomfortable sitting in someone elses house. Combined with the fact that they are big "family people" of which I am not (I have my parents and grandmother only...no brothers or sisters), so I feel uncomfortable with the whole situation to begin with, AND they have a bunch of little kids around, of which I dont like small kids. In other words,I would be completely miserable the entire long weekend! One thing I told dh I would absolutely NOT put up with is staying at one of their houses overnight, so he agreed to get a hotel room, but combined with the airfare for 3, hotel nights for about 3 nights, rental car, etc. it would get quite expensive, of which we cant really afford anyway. And besides, if I was going to spend $2k on a vacation, it would be on a cruise or to the caribbean (somewhere I WANTED to go), not somewhere I felt the obligation to go to. We are going to be suffering some really huge financial problems here soon due to a business situation, so I personally feel we dont have the money. Of course dh gets mad because he hasnt seen his family in a few years. This is all in addition to the issue with leaving our dogs behind as well, of which they would not get any real exercise for 3-4 days (the dog sitter only does a dash in/dash out during busy periods) and the extra cost of having the dog sitter come in as well. Sorry for writing a book, but I just needed to vent. I know there are others that start facing the same situation near the holidays but ours started early. So, if you face the same problems, please chime in and tell me how you handle it. Do you just go and suck it up and be miserable for the entire Thanskgiving weekend? Or do you put your foot down no matter what and refuse to go?

Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:35 AM	#2
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,182	Of course you're gonna be miserable cause you're going into it with a negative attitude. I hate to say it, but when you marry someone, you marry a lot of stuff that you might not realize. This is one of those things. This is the man you love and these are the people he loves (which he hasn't seen in a few years). Go with him and try to make the best of it. Maybe you don't like going cause you've never gotten to really know his family and you've never gotten to know his family cause you're always so disinterested when you see them. It's kind of a catch-22 there. See if this time you can bond with them somehow and maybe future visits won't be so bad.
	__________________

Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:51 AM	#4
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,311	agree....if your DH really want to go..i think it's better to respect his wish.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:02 AM	#5
cutiepie21 Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 2,174	I don't think she should have to bend over backwards for her husband. It's not fair for her, and puts women in a sexist role. Unless her husband is always doing things he really doesn't want to do for her benefit, I don't think she should feel an obligation. Her husband should spend the holiday with his family and she should spend the holiday however she wants to.
cutiepie21 Member Joined: May 2006 Posts: 2,174	__________________

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:09 AM	#6
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	Well, being married to someone means being a part of their family - like it or not. I'd say, buck up and deal with it or your marriage is going to suffer. I have issues with DH's family (his mom in particular) because of the way she treats her kids sometimes. Even though we have our differences, I remain friends with her and do what I can to promote harmony. As far as your finances are concerned, does your DH feel the same way? It sounds like the two of you have some serious communicating to do. We used to have the same rituals of going home for the holidays, then we had kids. We decided it was just too much and now family travels to see us. Best of luck on your situation.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:16 AM	#7
Kitsunegrl Cartier in 2009! Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Cajun Country Posts: 7,741	How long has it been since DH has seen his family? If it has been more than 2 years, then I think you should make the effort to go. I understand that large family is not part of your comfort zone (it's not mine either), but I am sure that your DH has done things for you that he wasn't entirely comfortable with too. At some point, everyone is getting older and will not be around to see "later"; if you can, go with your husband and try to have a good time. Surely in such a large family, thre is at least one person you can relate to and have a nice time with.......from there you might find out you have more in common with these people than you thought.
	__________________ Lorretta

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:40 AM	#8
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	I would certainly not refuse to go. I would put a silly smile on my face, take a bottle or two of my favourite liquid goodness and let him have a wonderful visit with his family. Your husband hasn't seen his family for years, please don't spoil this for him.
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	__________________ Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:27 AM	#10
chinahopes Luckiest. Joined: Oct 2008 Location: the Beach, SC Posts: 985	I'm married with 2 kids, and aside from the my closest family is 900 miles away. His family is about 700 miles away, and we spend every holiday at home, my ourselves. To me, Thanksgiving is about being grateful for what you have, and having a very comfortable day with lots of food and music, etc. I wouldn't consider ever spending Thanksgiving away from my own home.. there's just something about Thanksgiving and I like my own food, not having to feel uncomfortable getting up for seconds, or going in the fridge, KWIM? I realize tens of millions of people are not in their own home for Thanksgiving, and I'd be more than willing to host anybody who wanted to come over, but I always want it to be in my own house, I'm weird I guess..

Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:55 AM	#11
floridasun8 OP Member Joined: Nov 2008 Location: Under a Palm Tree Posts: 1,875	Thanks everyone for your opinions so far. Chinahopes...I really envy you! lol I wish I had the ability to completely stay put on holidays....and go to NOBODYS house! As others have mentioned, yes my dh has done things for me before that he didnt want to do, however, he wasnt happy about it and showed (dh jokes all the time and says that he will do anything I ask, but he reserves the right to b*tch about it!) , and the things that he has done for me have been about a days worth max. This is requiring me to not enjoy the holidays for 3-4 days of which only come once a year and a time that I usually greatly enjoy. It looks like I am going to HAVE to go, but I will also not be happy about it. I can enjoy hanging around his mother, however the rest of the family, particularly the kids are going to drive me up the wall....quickly! And like chinahopes said, you just cant feel comfortable in someone elses house getting seconds, going into the fridge, cabinets,etc. My dh just has this fairy tale idea in his mind that he wants this big happy family where everyone gets along, we all enjoy all this family time together, and everyone is so lovey-dovey, and thats just not reality. I have told him this but he still doesnt understand. When someone doesnt grow up with that and doesnt understand that lifestyle, you cant just automatically turn into this happy go-lucky, close knit family type of person. Thats not me, and dh knew that when we married. I know exactly how the "vacation" is going to go and I guess I'm just going to have to put up with it to keep the peace. A stop at the liquor store I think is going to be a definite though! lol

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:01 PM	#12
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,182	Just curious, what don't you like about a big family get together? I'm an only child and we didn't have a huge family, but I def like getting together with a bunch of people and eating and chit chatting. Is it his family specifically, or do you have anxiety issues with crowds? Are they boring? I don't know, it just seems like you've already set yourself up for having a crappy time. It looks like you're going to have to go, so make the best out of it!
	__________________

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:05 PM	#13
twin53 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,177	adjust your attitude and go. your DH hasn't seen them in a few years. it's all part of life. no one promises anyone a tomorrow. you'll have fun. i always loved seeing my in-laws and vise versa. our families are a part of who we are. at least you don't have to cook!
twin53 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,177	Last edited by twin53; Jul 3rd, 2009 at 12:09 PM.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:21 PM	#14
natalie78 Dave's not here Joined: May 2008 Location: Texas Posts: 1,654	I hate family get-togethers too. I come from a small family where an entire family gathering consists of 4 or 5 people. DH's family is a whole other story. Their family gatherings consist of no less than 15 people. I hate every minute of it. But I smile and act like I am enjoying myself. It makes DH happy and it's only once a year. Alcohol is the key.

Welcome to The Purse Forum.

Our Purse Forum, or TPF, is the #1 online social network for everything designer handbag related. Join over 200,000 enthusiastic members in this friendly community and start engaging in the discussion today.