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RaeBelle · Jul 7th, 2009, 06:12 PM

If you're looking at bankruptcy, there is no way you should be going. I don't think a bankruptcy judge would look favorably on that kind of expense.

My DH often visits his family without me (it's a drive not a plane ride). They make a big deal out of every holiday. I wasn't raised that way. Holidays were simple and really just us. We might visit family within driving distance near the holidays, but never on the holiday. I don't understand the large get to gethers of his family. It doesn't help that I really don't like a nice chunk of his family. I may have married into his family when I married him. I might visit around a holiday, but the actual day is off limits.

tater_tits · Jul 7th, 2009, 06:17 PM

Originally Posted by clairezk

are you serious??? Marriage is all about compromise-- this has nothing to do with sexism whatsoever. What if this was the other way around & her dh refused to go see her family for the holidays because it was too much of a hassle & he "didn't want to" ?!... Everyone would say he was being difficult, immature and unsupportive!

I'm sorry, but this is something i feel very strongly about: When you marry someone, you become part of their family too. A fair compromise would be every other year is spent with each family-- one year with dh's, the next year with dw's, and so on... No excuses.

ita!

Sternchen · Jul 8th, 2009, 04:52 AM

Originally Posted by charles

of course you're gonna be miserable cause you're going into it with a negative attitude. I hate to say it, but when you marry someone, you marry a lot of stuff that you might not realize. This is one of those things. This is the man you love and these are the people he loves (which he hasn't seen in a few years). Go with him and try to make the best of it. Maybe you don't like going cause you've never gotten to really know his family and you've never gotten to know his family cause you're always so disinterested when you see them. It's kind of a catch-22 there. See if this time you can bond with them somehow and maybe future visits won't be so bad.

this

shaurin · Jul 8th, 2009, 04:45 PM

OP I totally feel your pain! I start to get a knot in my stomach once the holidays roll around. We currently alternate thanksgiving and Christmas with our families and if we miss Christmas with DH's family, we celebrate Christmas with them the following weekend (i.e., new years). My family lives 10 min. away so when we visit them we don't have to stay over night. Additionally, my family is small, none of our extended family lives close by, so it is always rather relaxing and enjoyable to me.

His family lives about 3 hours away, so the trip involves staying overnight. The first thing I dread are the animals...they have 3 dogs and 2 cats. I am DEATHLY allergic to cats so I have to take benadryl the entire time I am there so I don't break out into hives, which just means I am EXHAUSTED the entire time. The second thing I dread is all of the family...his extended family lives close to his parents so they all come over and there are SO many of them and there is always DRAMA...who isn't talking to who, etc. The final thing I dread is the cleanliness situation...sheets are rarely washed since our previous visit, bathrooms aren't cleaned...it is just gross all around and an utterly impossible situation to deal with cause if I start cleaning or bringing my own sheets it will create even more DRAMA.

When we first starting getting serious, I would complain to my now-husband non-stop before we would visit his family, so much so that once he actually turned the car around during our drive up and said we weren't gonna go since I couldn't stop complaining! Now I've learned to complain less and while I will never enjoy myself there EVER I at least try to look at the positives...they make great food, I get to see my college friends, etc. Plus, I've found that because DH knows my complaints are at least reasonable (i.e., the cat allergy thing), he is very accomodating when I am there (much more so then when we are home).

My advice to you is to just suck it up and try to keep the complaining to a minimum cause it isn't like you can't go cause if you don't it will seriously affect your marriage (or at least it would mine). I have told DH that when we have kids everyone is coming to us and his parents have to leave their animals at home!!!!

LeeMiller · Jul 8th, 2009, 04:59 PM

shaurin, can't you guys stay in a hotel? I mean especially since at least you could sleep without the animals there.

op, are you my sister-in-law? J/K!!

Well you know every year I spend several days or weeks of vacation with my DH's family and he does with mine. I WISH we only went every couple of years, sounds like you're getting off light honestly. I'd just put it out of my mind and have a glass of wine or something while I was there to chill out. It also seems to me to be a really normal part of marriage to switch out on holidays, but maybe another issue is that your husband complains when he does things for you. Maybe you've both gotten in the habit of complaining so that the other person feels bad and doesn't really get to enjoy themselves or appreciate the effort. Personally, I'd rather have someone not around or not help then complain, but that's just me.

shaurin · Jul 9th, 2009, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by LeeMiller

shaurin, can't you guys stay in a hotel? I mean especially since at least you could sleep without the animals there.

op, are you my sister-in-law? J/K!!

Well you know every year I spend several days or weeks of vacation with my DH's family and he does with mine. I WISH we only went every couple of years, sounds like you're getting off light honestly. I'd just put it out of my mind and have a glass of wine or something while I was there to chill out. It also seems to me to be a really normal part of marriage to switch out on holidays, but maybe another issue is that your husband complains when he does things for you. Maybe you've both gotten in the habit of complaining so that the other person feels bad and doesn't really get to enjoy themselves or appreciate the effort. Personally, I'd rather have someone not around or not help then complain, but that's just me.

^Geez, I wish! My MIL would find that extremely offensive, so if we did I would get whispers of...she doesn't think my house is good enough for her, etc. So, in order to avoid more drama, I just suck it up! Ah, the things we do for love!

ShopGirl647 · Jul 9th, 2009, 04:10 PM

DH and I now think ahead before going to any of his family's gathering for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We predict what each of his siblings will "try" to do or make trouble and if it doesn't happen, then it's a sign of relief. But if whatever does happen then we will take a drink, relax and observe everyone else's behaviour. The funny part for us within the past few years was that his family would notice they are out of line whenever DH and I are silent at a party all of a sudden. We usually aren't but somehow it worked so far cuz they know we are judging them without meaning to. We USED to be the one on the short end of the stick all the time. No more ... Apparently trying to be polite doesn't work at all for his family. The notion of silence seems to work better and then they will step back with a look of embarrassment.

Missing a major holiday family get-together is a big no-no especially the family you marry into. You will never hear the end of it. The only legitimate excuse is if there is definitely a schedule conflict like a wedding happening on the same day or something that is equally important. Choosing not to go will result in major gossip on the other side of the family and will make DH look bad. Also, even if you don't like certain people on the other side, still go just to be polite cuz you will never hear the end of it. From my personal experience, big family will pool together and gang up on you. Here's what happened with #2SIL (married to DH's brother so same situation as me - no blood relation):

She and I got into an argument about DH's friend who broke her hubby's ladder and fell off our deck when we were constructing it (had to admit that DH's friend was a little bit on the chubby side). Long story short, all she cared about was her ladder and did not once comment to make sure DH's friend was ok. So I asked her how much the ladder was and she said $50 and I said, you're fretting over $50 instead of being concerned whether he was hurt or not? I embarrassed her in front of DH's family. Others thought it was funny I attacked her but I was being serious. Next thing you know, she decides to put together a party and EXCLUDE DH and me. Which was fine, I always dread going to their parties anyways cuz they are soooo cheap. Guess what, everyone boycotted her party. I thought it was so hilariously funny that DH's family would gang up on a non-blood related family member. We didn't even do anything at all, heard it from MIL and FIL. FIL was the one who started the boycott. LOL I learned from this incident never to do something #2SIL did.

queenvictoria2 · Jul 9th, 2009, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by shaurin

^Geez, I wish! My MIL would find that extremely offensive, so if we did I would get whispers of...she doesn't think my house is good enough for her, etc. So, in order to avoid more drama, I just suck it up! Ah, the things we do for love!

You are a much better DIL then me, LOL! I would never do this in a million years if I were in your shoes

debsmith · Jul 9th, 2009, 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by LeeMiller

shaurin, can't you guys stay in a hotel? I mean especially since at least you could sleep without the animals there.

op, are you my sister-in-law? J/K!!

Well you know every year I spend several days or weeks of vacation with my DH's family and he does with mine. I WISH we only went every couple of years, sounds like you're getting off light honestly. I'd just put it out of my mind and have a glass of wine or something while I was there to chill out. It also seems to me to be a really normal part of marriage to switch out on holidays, but maybe another issue is that your husband complains when he does things for you. Maybe you've both gotten in the habit of complaining so that the other person feels bad and doesn't really get to enjoy themselves or appreciate the effort. Personally, I'd rather have someone not around or not help then complain, but that's just me.

Jul 8th, 2009, 04:45 PM	#49
shaurin This Girl Hearts RM Joined: Dec 2007 Location: C-Bus Posts: 1,401	OP I totally feel your pain! I start to get a knot in my stomach once the holidays roll around. We currently alternate thanksgiving and Christmas with our families and if we miss Christmas with DH's family, we celebrate Christmas with them the following weekend (i.e., new years). My family lives 10 min. away so when we visit them we don't have to stay over night. Additionally, my family is small, none of our extended family lives close by, so it is always rather relaxing and enjoyable to me. His family lives about 3 hours away, so the trip involves staying overnight. The first thing I dread are the animals...they have 3 dogs and 2 cats. I am DEATHLY allergic to cats so I have to take benadryl the entire time I am there so I don't break out into hives, which just means I am EXHAUSTED the entire time. The second thing I dread is all of the family...his extended family lives close to his parents so they all come over and there are SO many of them and there is always DRAMA...who isn't talking to who, etc. The final thing I dread is the cleanliness situation...sheets are rarely washed since our previous visit, bathrooms aren't cleaned...it is just gross all around and an utterly impossible situation to deal with cause if I start cleaning or bringing my own sheets it will create even more DRAMA. When we first starting getting serious, I would complain to my now-husband non-stop before we would visit his family, so much so that once he actually turned the car around during our drive up and said we weren't gonna go since I couldn't stop complaining! Now I've learned to complain less and while I will never enjoy myself there EVER I at least try to look at the positives...they make great food, I get to see my college friends, etc. Plus, I've found that because DH knows my complaints are at least reasonable (i.e., the cat allergy thing), he is very accomodating when I am there (much more so then when we are home). My advice to you is to just suck it up and try to keep the complaining to a minimum cause it isn't like you can't go cause if you don't it will seriously affect your marriage (or at least it would mine). I have told DH that when we have kids everyone is coming to us and his parents have to leave their animals at home!!!!
	__________________

Jul 8th, 2009, 04:59 PM	#50
LeeMiller Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 3,305	shaurin, can't you guys stay in a hotel? I mean especially since at least you could sleep without the animals there. op, are you my sister-in-law? J/K!! Well you know every year I spend several days or weeks of vacation with my DH's family and he does with mine. I WISH we only went every couple of years, sounds like you're getting off light honestly. I'd just put it out of my mind and have a glass of wine or something while I was there to chill out. It also seems to me to be a really normal part of marriage to switch out on holidays, but maybe another issue is that your husband complains when he does things for you. Maybe you've both gotten in the habit of complaining so that the other person feels bad and doesn't really get to enjoy themselves or appreciate the effort. Personally, I'd rather have someone not around or not help then complain, but that's just me.
LeeMiller Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 3,305	__________________

Jul 9th, 2009, 04:10 PM	#52
ShopGirl647 Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,197	DH and I now think ahead before going to any of his family's gathering for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We predict what each of his siblings will "try" to do or make trouble and if it doesn't happen, then it's a sign of relief. But if whatever does happen then we will take a drink, relax and observe everyone else's behaviour. The funny part for us within the past few years was that his family would notice they are out of line whenever DH and I are silent at a party all of a sudden. We usually aren't but somehow it worked so far cuz they know we are judging them without meaning to. We USED to be the one on the short end of the stick all the time. No more ... Apparently trying to be polite doesn't work at all for his family. The notion of silence seems to work better and then they will step back with a look of embarrassment. Missing a major holiday family get-together is a big no-no especially the family you marry into. You will never hear the end of it. The only legitimate excuse is if there is definitely a schedule conflict like a wedding happening on the same day or something that is equally important. Choosing not to go will result in major gossip on the other side of the family and will make DH look bad. Also, even if you don't like certain people on the other side, still go just to be polite cuz you will never hear the end of it. From my personal experience, big family will pool together and gang up on you. Here's what happened with #2SIL (married to DH's brother so same situation as me - no blood relation): She and I got into an argument about DH's friend who broke her hubby's ladder and fell off our deck when we were constructing it (had to admit that DH's friend was a little bit on the chubby side). Long story short, all she cared about was her ladder and did not once comment to make sure DH's friend was ok. So I asked her how much the ladder was and she said $50 and I said, you're fretting over $50 instead of being concerned whether he was hurt or not? I embarrassed her in front of DH's family. Others thought it was funny I attacked her but I was being serious. Next thing you know, she decides to put together a party and EXCLUDE DH and me. Which was fine, I always dread going to their parties anyways cuz they are soooo cheap. Guess what, everyone boycotted her party. I thought it was so hilariously funny that DH's family would gang up on a non-blood related family member. We didn't even do anything at all, heard it from MIL and FIL. FIL was the one who started the boycott. LOL I learned from this incident never to do something #2SIL did.
ShopGirl647 Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 1,197	__________________ RANDOM TWEET/BLOG http://twitter.com/mzshopgirl Last edited by ShopGirl647; Jul 9th, 2009 at 04:27 PM.

Jul 7th, 2009, 06:12 PM	#46
RaeBelle The Commish Joined: Jan 2008 Location: hockey-gasm Posts: 3,763	If you're looking at bankruptcy, there is no way you should be going. I don't think a bankruptcy judge would look favorably on that kind of expense. My DH often visits his family without me (it's a drive not a plane ride). They make a big deal out of every holiday. I wasn't raised that way. Holidays were simple and really just us. We might visit family within driving distance near the holidays, but never on the holiday. I don't understand the large get to gethers of his family. It doesn't help that I really don't like a nice chunk of his family. I may have married into his family when I married him. I might visit around a holiday, but the actual day is off limits.

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