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Charles · Jul 4th, 2009, 02:19 AM

If you're facing a 40 THOUSAND dollar bankruptcy, then a couple of grand really isn't going to make a dent in that. I think that's just an excuse.

Seriously...go, and just try to make the best of it. Have you considered making a family game day? Organize a bunch of games for "teams" and play during the weekend. Heck, create a 3 leg race and a boiled egg relay. Do something to make it fun!

Glamfoxx · Jul 4th, 2009, 05:53 AM

OP- I understand your distaste for big family functions as I don't care for them either... I do "buck up" for lack of a better term when the holidays roll around. I don't dislike my family or my husband's family, but those long days at their houses with tons of kids and pets underfoot always leave me with a migraine if not with a full on sinus infection no matter how many Alaverts I take. Plus my husband does that same thing where he just can't end the conversation so that we can leave so we stay til 1am. Just know you are not alone in the holiday misery. Some of us are just not big on get-togethers, there is nothing wrong with that but it is only fair that we suffer every other year.

vhdos · Jul 4th, 2009, 09:29 AM

OP - I'll share a little slice of my life with you in regards to spending the Holidays with family (and this is not in-laws, this is my family!). My dad & step-mom were unable to care for their large home because of health reasons, so they moved into a mobile home retirement community. At my dad's request, we flew home and had Thanksgiving at my dad's mobile home the first year he moved there. In one mobile home, we had my family, which is my dad and his 3 girls with their 3 spouses, and two grandkids. My step-mom's family consists of my step-mom and her three kids with their three spouses, and her 6 grandchildren. Total number of people in a mobile home is 22 people!!!! It gets worse. My dad had two dogs and one cat at the time. My step-sister thought it would be fun to include their dog too. We don't all get along either. I don't care for my step-family much at all (for reasons I'm not going to go into here). It was absolute insanity with children and pets running everywhere. Not my cup of tea. But you know what? It was family and it was the Holidays, so we made the best of it and had a good time. This just goes to show that it is what you make of it.

juneping · Jul 4th, 2009, 09:51 AM

i just think if your DH is a family person who wants to spend holidays with his family, you should not stop him from doing so. especially he's not seen his family for a few years. it's family not his pals. if my bf makes up all those excuses not wanting me to spend time with my family, i'd be furious. if you keep creating all those "reasons" not to go...it is going to create more problems in your marriage.
i am just bit puzzled when you mentioned what your DH has done for you was tiny little insignificant stuff......its like he's not done enough or you are hard to please...??

floridasun8 · Jul 4th, 2009, 10:34 AM

Thank you again for all your replies. Dh and I still havent talked anymore about the trip and I'm not bringing it up again to start another arguement, so we'll see what happens between now and a few months from now. Most likely I will suck it up and go, and just hope and pray that the weekend doesnt drag.

Just a few things I wanted to address from some other posts:

emxowm - if I dont go, I would either stay home, or go to my parents house. My parents are alone as well since they dont have any family here either.

redney - his parents love me and I love them. Its the brothers and their kids who we dont get along with. 2 out of his 3 brothers have visited us here over the last few years and everytime after they head home and dh talks to his parents, all he hears is how B#1 and B#2 complained about how our lives are different (they have kids and are kid/family people...we are independent, they are cheap people that shudder to spend more than $5-10 on a meal, while we go out to nicer places, and we just have nothing in common). Even dh addresses that he and we are completely different from his brothers.

lnpaddy - I have never shown during our previous visits that I didnt enjoy the trip. I dont sit in a corner and sulk so I dont believe they have ever gotten the impression I was miserable. Even during this trip, I would never show that to his family, but dh would know in his mind that I was miserable because he just knows me

caah - my dh *says* right now that we would have alone time, we would do other things than just sit at one persons house, we would go out and see our hometown, etc. however once we get there, things change. And, if we get there and I bring it up how we need to do other things, go out, etc. he gets mad and gets an attitude. Thats just how he is and he has done it before, so I have come to expect it.

Charles - while $2k doesnt sound like it would put a dent in a $40k bill, you are right in that sense, however should we have to file bankruptcy,the bankruptcy trustee is going to want to see everything that we have spent money on over the last months/year. That will most likely only be held against us. IF we can get lucky and work out a plan with the creditor instead of filing bankruptcy, they are going to want a good $ each month of a monthly payment and that $2k will severely affect that. The money issue is not an excuse, it's reality that I am worried about.

In addition to the stress of the upcoming holiday plans, dh and I also have the stress looming over us with this lawsuit and upcoming financial problems. We are both on edge because of it and I'm sure that is not helping.

Juneping - when I said that my dh has done tiny stuff for me, I said that in reference to the fact that while dh has done stuff for me, and he does a lot, I have never demanded, nor would I put him in a situation to do something for 3-4 days in which I knew he would be miserable. I do ask him to do stuff for me at times, but if I know its something that he would hate to do, I would never make him to do it for 3-4 days straight. For instance, my dh used to HATE to shop when we first got married, and in order to make me happy he would go, however he did not enjoy it and it showed, and even when he did go with me, I would make it as short as possible. I wouldnt make him go shopping for 3-4 days in a row because I knew he was miserable doing it. I know some may say that shopping is diffferent than seeing family, but its the best comparision I could come up with right now.

We'll see what happens. Dh and I, I'm sure will discuss this further over the next few months and we'll make the decision then on what to do. I just find it funny that closer to the holidays, all you hear from people, on many different forums is how their holidays are going to be miserable because of difficult family members, traveling, etc. but I bring it up early and nobody seems to remember those other complaints during Nov/Dec of every year. We'll see what becomes of that as well as the holidays get closer....because I know for certain that I'm not the only one who dreads these things.

juneping · Jul 4th, 2009, 10:52 AM

since you have small family of your own...can you bring your parents with you??
i would if i were you.

vhdos · Jul 4th, 2009, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by floridasun8

Thank you again for all your replies. Dh and I still havent talked anymore about the trip and I'm not bringing it up again to start another arguement, so we'll see what happens between now and a few months from now. Most likely I will suck it up and go, and just hope and pray that the weekend doesnt drag.

Just a few things I wanted to address from some other posts:

emxowm - if I dont go, I would either stay home, or go to my parents house. My parents are alone as well since they dont have any family here either.

redney - his parents love me and I love them. Its the brothers and their kids who we dont get along with. 2 out of his 3 brothers have visited us here over the last few years and everytime after they head home and dh talks to his parents, all he hears is how B#1 and B#2 complained about how our lives are different (they have kids and are kid/family people...we are independent, they are cheap people that shudder to spend more than $5-10 on a meal, while we go out to nicer places, and we just have nothing in common). Even dh addresses that he and we are completely different from his brothers.

lnpaddy - I have never shown during our previous visits that I didnt enjoy the trip. I dont sit in a corner and sulk so I dont believe they have ever gotten the impression I was miserable. Even during this trip, I would never show that to his family, but dh would know in his mind that I was miserable because he just knows me

caah - my dh *says* right now that we would have alone time, we would do other things than just sit at one persons house, we would go out and see our hometown, etc. however once we get there, things change. And, if we get there and I bring it up how we need to do other things, go out, etc. he gets mad and gets an attitude. Thats just how he is and he has done it before, so I have come to expect it.

Charles - while $2k doesnt sound like it would put a dent in a $40k bill, you are right in that sense, however should we have to file bankruptcy,the bankruptcy trustee is going to want to see everything that we have spent money on over the last months/year. That will most likely only be held against us. IF we can get lucky and work out a plan with the creditor instead of filing bankruptcy, they are going to want a good $ each month of a monthly payment and that $2k will severely affect that. The money issue is not an excuse, it's reality that I am worried about.

In addition to the stress of the upcoming holiday plans, dh and I also have the stress looming over us with this lawsuit and upcoming financial problems. We are both on edge because of it and I'm sure that is not helping.

Juneping - when I said that my dh has done tiny stuff for me, I said that in reference to the fact that while dh has done stuff for me, and he does a lot, I have never demanded, nor would I put him in a situation to do something for 3-4 days in which I knew he would be miserable. I do ask him to do stuff for me at times, but if I know its something that he would hate to do, I would never make him to do it for 3-4 days straight. For instance, my dh used to HATE to shop when we first got married, and in order to make me happy he would go, however he did not enjoy it and it showed, and even when he did go with me, I would make it as short as possible. I wouldnt make him go shopping for 3-4 days in a row because I knew he was miserable doing it. I know some may say that shopping is diffferent than seeing family, but its the best comparision I could come up with right now.

We'll see what happens. Dh and I, I'm sure will discuss this further over the next few months and we'll make the decision then on what to do. I just find it funny that closer to the holidays, all you hear from people, on many different forums is how their holidays are going to be miserable because of difficult family members, traveling, etc. but I bring it up early and nobody seems to remember those other complaints during Nov/Dec of every year. We'll see what becomes of that as well as the holidays get closer....because I know for certain that I'm not the only one who dreads these things.

No, you're certainly not the only one who dreads it, but you may be in the group that dreads it and complains about it. There is a group who enjoys it, a group who is indifferent, and a group who dreads it but deals with it. You Choose which group you want to be in.

floridasun8 · Jul 4th, 2009, 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

[/B]

No, you're certainly not the only one who dreads it, but you may be in the group that dreads it and complains about it. There is a group who enjoys it, a group who is indifferent, and a group who dreads it but deals with it. You Choose which group you want to be in.

Yep and just like everyone else chooses to complain about something in the forum, ichoose to complain about this. That's my perogative. Just like it's your perogative to not read and reply if you don't like this particular complaint.

vhdos · Jul 4th, 2009, 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by floridasun8

Yep and just like everyone else chooses to complain about something in the forum, ichoose to complain about this. That's my perogative. Just like it's your perogative to not read and reply if you don't like this particular complaint.

I think you misunderstood. I think you have every right to complain and that's exactly what TPF is designed for (among other things). I'm not judging you for complaining, heck we all complain about one thing or another. My point was simply that it is what you make of it. That's all.

claireZk · Jul 4th, 2009, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by cutiepie21

Are you serious??? Jeez, I hate the way nobody can post anything on this forum without others jumping down their throats. Calm down, claire! I understand you feel strongly. But you have your views and I have mine... and that's ok!

Actually, I wasn't jumping down your throat or anyone else's. I just didn't see how the OP's DH could possibly be construed as sexist. I was literally asking if you were serious. The second part of my post was not aimed at you whatsoever. It was just an expression of my beliefs, which I stand by...

So again, NOT AIMED AT YOU, CUTIE PIE (just fyi

)....

I come from an extremely close-knit family, so that's where I'm coming from here. This idea of an only child marrying someone with siblings & then refusing to visit the extended on holidays because they 'just don't get the whole family thing' just blows my mind. Why would you even marry someone who's close to their family if you don't get along with their family?

SunnyFreckles · Jul 6th, 2009, 01:12 AM

Well...since it's not like you do this every year...I would go and I would also stay at their homes!

DH and I had the same "battle" in the beginning. We are never at my families home for any holiday EVER except a day or two around Christmas. DH's family just happens to be closer.

It freaking sucks and I hate it more than anything in the world, but you know what!? Someday his family won't be there for us to go visit so I go now...so that I don't regret it later.

Period.

As for this year...I am due with our second child on November 21. I have already said for this one year (the exception...kind of like you!) we will have no one here for Thanksgiving and we are not travelling at Christmas. I refuse to do that with a brand new baby at home.

Next year, it will be back to the same ol' routine. Life goes on!

olialm1 · Jul 6th, 2009, 02:27 AM

I would just do it. It's way cheaper if you book it in advance and it sounds like he's not budging so you might as well just go with the flow. He hasn't seen them in a few years, so instead of thinking about how miserable it'll make you feel just think about how happy he will be instead.

NIUiceprincess · Jul 6th, 2009, 04:46 PM

First of all i'm curious why your DH insists on going on this trip when you said that you guys are having financial problems. Does he not know about your financial situation? Or perhaps his family is paying for something i.e. your airfare (maybe they want to see you guys that badly).

I agree that I would hesitate to take such a big trip if I know I am having financial difficulties. If they want to see you so bad they could come over for the day or something but I think for this reason you should be excused. I mean if you guys go bankrupt are they going to offer you any assistance? Just sayin...

However if you guys are not having money problems, I would just suck it up, after all it's not like you see them all the time (a problem i have with my inlaws, we gotta go there every other weekend :P). As you mentioned it's been a few years since your DH last saw them, so i'm sure if you concede then DH will truly appreciate it.

LV Luvr · Jul 7th, 2009, 05:14 PM

Oh yes...we have begun this discussion. My parents live within driveable miles and his are 4 hrs away. However this is our 1st year with our DS so I think I'm also going to implement "stay put" for the holidays. They can come to us...however DS dad tends to extend his stays once he gets here so we will have to have a discussion with that. I'm just not up for travelling for the holidays.

Firefly32 · Jul 7th, 2009, 06:03 PM

This is a pretty selfish post in my opinion. Yes, you may have been brought up differently. Holidays are about family not making it about one specific person. To bad you don't enjoy getting together with family! Maybe if you started to think of some positives about it, the get together will be more tolerating to you.

Jul 4th, 2009, 02:19 AM	#31
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,182	If you're facing a 40 THOUSAND dollar bankruptcy, then a couple of grand really isn't going to make a dent in that. I think that's just an excuse. Seriously...go, and just try to make the best of it. Have you considered making a family game day? Organize a bunch of games for "teams" and play during the weekend. Heck, create a 3 leg race and a boiled egg relay. Do something to make it fun!
	__________________

Jul 4th, 2009, 05:53 AM	#32
Glamfoxx Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 1,391	OP- I understand your distaste for big family functions as I don't care for them either... I do "buck up" for lack of a better term when the holidays roll around. I don't dislike my family or my husband's family, but those long days at their houses with tons of kids and pets underfoot always leave me with a migraine if not with a full on sinus infection no matter how many Alaverts I take. Plus my husband does that same thing where he just can't end the conversation so that we can leave so we stay til 1am. Just know you are not alone in the holiday misery. Some of us are just not big on get-togethers, there is nothing wrong with that but it is only fair that we suffer every other year.
Glamfoxx Member Joined: Jun 2007 Posts: 1,391

Jul 4th, 2009, 09:29 AM	#33
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	OP - I'll share a little slice of my life with you in regards to spending the Holidays with family (and this is not in-laws, this is my family!). My dad & step-mom were unable to care for their large home because of health reasons, so they moved into a mobile home retirement community. At my dad's request, we flew home and had Thanksgiving at my dad's mobile home the first year he moved there. In one mobile home, we had my family, which is my dad and his 3 girls with their 3 spouses, and two grandkids. My step-mom's family consists of my step-mom and her three kids with their three spouses, and her 6 grandchildren. Total number of people in a mobile home is 22 people!!!! It gets worse. My dad had two dogs and one cat at the time. My step-sister thought it would be fun to include their dog too. We don't all get along either. I don't care for my step-family much at all (for reasons I'm not going to go into here). It was absolute insanity with children and pets running everywhere. Not my cup of tea. But you know what? It was family and it was the Holidays, so we made the best of it and had a good time. This just goes to show that it is what you make of it.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Jul 4th, 2009, 09:51 AM	#34
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,311	i just think if your DH is a family person who wants to spend holidays with his family, you should not stop him from doing so. especially he's not seen his family for a few years. it's family not his pals. if my bf makes up all those excuses not wanting me to spend time with my family, i'd be furious. if you keep creating all those "reasons" not to go...it is going to create more problems in your marriage. i am just bit puzzled when you mentioned what your DH has done for you was tiny little insignificant stuff......its like he's not done enough or you are hard to please...??
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Jul 4th, 2009, 10:52 AM	#36
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,311	since you have small family of your own...can you bring your parents with you?? i would if i were you.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Jul 4th, 2009, 10:34 AM	#35
floridasun8 OP Member Joined: Nov 2008 Location: Under a Palm Tree Posts: 1,875	Thank you again for all your replies. Dh and I still havent talked anymore about the trip and I'm not bringing it up again to start another arguement, so we'll see what happens between now and a few months from now. Most likely I will suck it up and go, and just hope and pray that the weekend doesnt drag. Just a few things I wanted to address from some other posts: emxowm - if I dont go, I would either stay home, or go to my parents house. My parents are alone as well since they dont have any family here either. redney - his parents love me and I love them. Its the brothers and their kids who we dont get along with. 2 out of his 3 brothers have visited us here over the last few years and everytime after they head home and dh talks to his parents, all he hears is how B#1 and B#2 complained about how our lives are different (they have kids and are kid/family people...we are independent, they are cheap people that shudder to spend more than $5-10 on a meal, while we go out to nicer places, and we just have nothing in common). Even dh addresses that he and we are completely different from his brothers. lnpaddy - I have never shown during our previous visits that I didnt enjoy the trip. I dont sit in a corner and sulk so I dont believe they have ever gotten the impression I was miserable. Even during this trip, I would never show that to his family, but dh would know in his mind that I was miserable because he just knows me caah - my dh says right now that we would have alone time, we would do other things than just sit at one persons house, we would go out and see our hometown, etc. however once we get there, things change. And, if we get there and I bring it up how we need to do other things, go out, etc. he gets mad and gets an attitude. Thats just how he is and he has done it before, so I have come to expect it. Charles - while $2k doesnt sound like it would put a dent in a $40k bill, you are right in that sense, however should we have to file bankruptcy,the bankruptcy trustee is going to want to see everything that we have spent money on over the last months/year. That will most likely only be held against us. IF we can get lucky and work out a plan with the creditor instead of filing bankruptcy, they are going to want a good $ each month of a monthly payment and that $2k will severely affect that. The money issue is not an excuse, it's reality that I am worried about. In addition to the stress of the upcoming holiday plans, dh and I also have the stress looming over us with this lawsuit and upcoming financial problems. We are both on edge because of it and I'm sure that is not helping. Juneping - when I said that my dh has done tiny stuff for me, I said that in reference to the fact that while dh has done stuff for me, and he does a lot, I have never demanded, nor would I put him in a situation to do something for 3-4 days in which I knew he would be miserable. I do ask him to do stuff for me at times, but if I know its something that he would hate to do, I would never make him to do it for 3-4 days straight. For instance, my dh used to HATE to shop when we first got married, and in order to make me happy he would go, however he did not enjoy it and it showed, and even when he did go with me, I would make it as short as possible. I wouldnt make him go shopping for 3-4 days in a row because I knew he was miserable doing it. I know some may say that shopping is diffferent than seeing family, but its the best comparision I could come up with right now. We'll see what happens. Dh and I, I'm sure will discuss this further over the next few months and we'll make the decision then on what to do. I just find it funny that closer to the holidays, all you hear from people, on many different forums is how their holidays are going to be miserable because of difficult family members, traveling, etc. but I bring it up early and nobody seems to remember those other complaints during Nov/Dec of every year. We'll see what becomes of that as well as the holidays get closer....because I know for certain that I'm not the only one who dreads these things.

Jul 6th, 2009, 01:12 AM	#41
SunnyFreckles ~Pure Bliss~ Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Nebraska, baby! Posts: 5,302	Well...since it's not like you do this every year...I would go and I would also stay at their homes! DH and I had the same "battle" in the beginning. We are never at my families home for any holiday EVER except a day or two around Christmas. DH's family just happens to be closer. It freaking sucks and I hate it more than anything in the world, but you know what!? Someday his family won't be there for us to go visit so I go now...so that I don't regret it later. Period. As for this year...I am due with our second child on November 21. I have already said for this one year (the exception...kind of like you!) we will have no one here for Thanksgiving and we are not travelling at Christmas. I refuse to do that with a brand new baby at home. Next year, it will be back to the same ol' routine. Life goes on!
	__________________ <>< *Sunny's Collection* (updated! page 11)

Jul 6th, 2009, 02:27 AM	#42
olialm1 windy city Joined: Dec 2008 Location: Chicago Posts: 1,540	I would just do it. It's way cheaper if you book it in advance and it sounds like he's not budging so you might as well just go with the flow. He hasn't seen them in a few years, so instead of thinking about how miserable it'll make you feel just think about how happy he will be instead.
	__________________ make a difference! free rice

Jul 6th, 2009, 04:46 PM	#43
NIUiceprincess Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 224	First of all i'm curious why your DH insists on going on this trip when you said that you guys are having financial problems. Does he not know about your financial situation? Or perhaps his family is paying for something i.e. your airfare (maybe they want to see you guys that badly). I agree that I would hesitate to take such a big trip if I know I am having financial difficulties. If they want to see you so bad they could come over for the day or something but I think for this reason you should be excused. I mean if you guys go bankrupt are they going to offer you any assistance? Just sayin... However if you guys are not having money problems, I would just suck it up, after all it's not like you see them all the time (a problem i have with my inlaws, we gotta go there every other weekend :P). As you mentioned it's been a few years since your DH last saw them, so i'm sure if you concede then DH will truly appreciate it.
NIUiceprincess Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 224

Jul 7th, 2009, 05:14 PM	#44
LV Luvr Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,292	Oh yes...we have begun this discussion. My parents live within driveable miles and his are 4 hrs away. However this is our 1st year with our DS so I think I'm also going to implement "stay put" for the holidays. They can come to us...however DS dad tends to extend his stays once he gets here so we will have to have a discussion with that. I'm just not up for travelling for the holidays.
LV Luvr Member Joined: Nov 2006 Posts: 2,292

Jul 7th, 2009, 06:03 PM	#45
Firefly32 Member Joined: Jul 2008 Location: Michigan Posts: 1,567	This is a pretty selfish post in my opinion. Yes, you may have been brought up differently. Holidays are about family not making it about one specific person. To bad you don't enjoy getting together with family! Maybe if you started to think of some positives about it, the get together will be more tolerating to you.

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