The arguments over holidays have already started

[rainedrop1019]

Just want to add my .02 and comment on a couple of things.

First, I definitely agree with Charles about the attitude/perception. A lot of times, how you perceive things can greatly affect a situation IMO. If you're building up this entire negative experience in your mind, then yeah, you're going to have a bad time because you've been mentally convincing yourself for the past few months that you're going to be miserable.

No offense or disrespect OP but it sounds a little bit like you're almost "planning" to have a bad time. Sure it's uncomfortable to be in someone else's house and it's never going to feel like your house because, well, it's not your house but why not TRY to make it a positive experience. If you DH sees you having a bad time I'm sure it will bring him down too. It seems like going to see the fam will really make DH happy so why not try to be positive about it since you have to go anyways. If I knew I HAD to do something, I'd rather walk in with it trying to keep a good mentality than a bad one. IMO, bad mentalities only make the experience worse for you. Since Thanksgiving is with DH's family, maybe Christmas can be with your family to compromise? I think that would be fair.

Also, I have to STRONGLY disagree with the woman sexism comment. Like Claire said (and ITA Claire), this has NOTHING to do with sexism and more to do with compromise! I'm not married in the legal term but we've been living together for years and share all of our finances so I'd say we're pretty much married (except on paper). DBF does things for me that I know he doesn't particular enjoy and I do the same for him. When I do these things do I feel like I'm somehow inferior or that it's sexist? NO. I do it because I LOVE HIM and that's what a relationship is about. Relationships are no longer about ME. It's about WE. So yeah, sometimes I'd like to just focus on me and be selfish but the truth of the matter is, if you want to have a long, healthy relationship, it means sometimes that you can't do what you want all the time. Sometimes you have to do what he wants. But that's what a relationship is - giving and taking. So as long as both parties are putting their effort into it, I think that's great. There's nothing sexist about that!

[Mrs. MC]

wow, the holidays are very stressfull as it is. I think your family situation and growing up so detached and isolated and not celebrating birthdays etc. is definitely the exception and not the norm. It doesn't sound like you and DH are very compatible at all in that way if he is more family oriented and you are not. I don't see why if you don't care about the holiday why you can't "sacrifice" one weekend to make your husband happy and allow him to spend time with his family. If you can't be more flexible and accomodating ,eventually your husband may tire of this behavior so you will have to be prepared for that when that time comes.

[cutiepie21]

Originally Posted by claireZk

Are you serious??? Marriage is all about compromise-- this has nothing to do with sexism whatsoever. What if this was the other way around & her DH refused to go see her family for the holidays because it was too much of a hassle & he "didn't want to" ?!... Everyone would say he was being difficult, immature and unsupportive! I'm sorry, but this is something I feel VERY strongly about: When you marry someone, you become part of their family too. A fair compromise would be every other year is spent with each family-- one year with DH's, the next year with DW's, and so on... no excuses.

Are you serious??? Jeez, I hate the way nobody can post anything on this forum without others jumping down their throats. Calm down, claire! I understand you feel strongly. But you have your views and I have mine... and that's ok!

[natalie78]

Like the OP, I know that a visit to DH's hometown will be a disaster before it even happens. Yes, I'm going in with negative thoughts, but like she already said, past experience makes it hard to go in with a positive attitude.

Thank heavens for alcohol.

[canada's]

i have to agree with the majority.

if he hasn't seen them in ages, suck it up. if you genuinely cannot afford the trip (and it sounds like you can't), he should tell his family that. that said, it sounds like you guys are in a financial mess for awhile to come, so maybe this would be the last time he saw his family for a very long time.

[Roo]

Marriage is give and take. IMO if you have not seen the family for a while, then go and just grit your teeth. But you need to sit down and talk to your husband about these visits, how often they will be expected, etc. I think the family also needs to know that you'll be coming for holidays ever 2-3 years, etc., so there's no pressure. There would also be NO WAY I'd take that trip unless I could afford it. The family should understand this concept due to the economic climate we are living in!

It should not always be about one person's family either, there should be balance there. These are the things that cause strain and breakups of marriages, IMO.

As for charles' comments, I disagree. Just because you marry someone does not mean you should be forced to do things you hate. Sometimes that's true and there are certain allowances that a person can make for that but there is a limit.

[Roo]

Originally Posted by claireZk

I'm sorry, but this is something I feel VERY strongly about: When you marry someone, you become part of their family too.

Yes, that is true in concept. But that acceptance works both ways. It sounds like the OP's inlaws and husband aren't really going out of their way to make her visits very fun. When a situation doesn't feel very inclusive, you don't want to be there.

[emxowm]

What is the alternative if you don't visit his family? Would you be alone or spend it with yours?

I do think that if he hasn't seen his family in a few years and feels strongly about it, then you should support him. I understand your $$$ concerns and they are valid, but don't use that as the excuse not to go if your real reason is that you'll be miserable. If it comes down to money that is something that you and DH need to work out.

Personally, my in-laws all live close to us and my family is 500 miles away. So far, DH and split all of our holidays (Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other). I know DH would rather stay home and be with his family (as I would rather be with mine), but we each make the best of it regardless of where we are. I think that is just part of the deal when you get married. GL!

[redney]

Originally Posted by rainedrop1019

Just want to add my .02 and comment on a couple of things. First, I definitely agree with Charles about the attitude/perception. A lot of times, how you perceive things can greatly affect a situation IMO. If you're building up this entire negative experience in your mind, then yeah, you're going to have a bad time because you've been mentally convincing yourself for the past few months that you're going to be miserable. No offense or disrespect OP but it sounds a little bit like you're almost "planning" to have a bad time. Sure it's uncomfortable to be in someone else's house and it's never going to feel like your house because, well, it's not your house but why not TRY to make it a positive experience. If you DH sees you having a bad time I'm sure it will bring him down too. It seems like going to see the fam will really make DH happy so why not try to be positive about it since you have to go anyways. If I knew I HAD to do something, I'd rather walk in with it trying to keep a good mentality than a bad one. IMO, bad mentalities only make the experience worse for you. Since Thanksgiving is with DH's family, maybe Christmas can be with your family to compromise? I think that would be fair.

ITA with rainedrop. I agree that in marriage there is compromise and it's not all about one or the other person. I bet your husband is worried about your negativity and if/how it comes off to his family. It's fairly reasonable to say we all want our SO's families to like us at least a little bit, so aren't you a little worried your negativity is concerning to him?

Managing time with both families during holiday times is part of that. If the situation was reversed, would you forgo visiting your family because your husband doesn't like it? Sometimes you've just gotta suck it up especially since it sounds like he enjoys at least parts of these visits, as you wrote he goes off with his brothers. And part of your misery is likely due to the negative expectations you set for yourself...which become self-fulfilling. I'm sure his family senses your discomfort and negativity.

If you don't like just sitting around someone's house, is it possible for you to do anything that will get you up and about and keep yourself busy? For example, could you bring a recipe for a dessert that needs to be served immediately after making - thus you could spend some time in the kitchen by yourself and yet you would not appear "anti-social" to his family members since you are preparing a treat for all to enjoy? Or could you bring a fun game for people to play - something like Trivial Pursuit? That way, you're not just all sitting around staring at each other and the time will go by faster.

[linpaddy]

No respect to OP but it sounds like your past experiences could go both ways.

One, you didn't enjoy yourself and it showed. Did you consider that maybe your DH's family stopped making an effort because they felt that you wouldn't enjoy yourself no matter what?

I'm not sure exactly what experiences you had...maybe you didn't enjoy yourself previously but everybody else had a good time? Or everybody thought you had a great time hence they are excited to see you and your DH again?

My relatives are boisterous and at any given gathering, there would be gazillion young children screaming their lungs out and running everywhere.
The adults are also very noisy and boisterous and my poor DH gets a headache just about every time.

I understand his concerns (their smoking gives him a headache too) but I feel the need to attend at least 1 big gathering since I don't see them for the rest of the year.

Our compromise was to have DH attend every other year with the option to leave early. I'm okay with that.

I think you are very sensible to address this. You are caught in a difficult situation but perhaps you can negotiate with your DH?
Maybe stay one night at a hotel and two at his family's place?

I also think that it's important to address the financial issue. If you absolutely do not think that you can afford it, could you ask DH to postpone the trip? Maybe go during the non holiday period? that way, he'll be able to see his family but the trip would be cheaper and hopefully, not as as over-whelming.

[wisnowbird]

Originally Posted by floridasun8

we also really dont have the money. Come the end of the year, we will either be faced with a $30-40,000 bill or have to file bankruptcy.

There is no way if I was looking at a possible bankruptcy that I would plan a vacation that would cost thousands of dollars. I'd be hoarding every penny until that big bill came & I knew exactly what I was facing. Under normal money circumstances, I would suck it up & go. If he insists on going, could he go by himself & stay with family members? Thanksgiving was never a big deal in my family, so I wouldn't personally be bothered at all if my SO wanted to go spend that weekend with his family & leave me behind with the pets.

[Miss 2 A]

Originally Posted by floridasun8

Thanks everyone for your opinions so far. Chinahopes...I really envy you! lol I wish I had the ability to completely stay put on holidays....and go to NOBODYS house! As others have mentioned, yes my dh has done things for me before that he didnt want to do, however, he wasnt happy about it and showed (dh jokes all the time and says that he will do anything I ask, but he reserves the right to b*tch about it!) , and the things that he has done for me have been about a days worth max. This is requiring me to not enjoy the holidays for 3-4 days of which only come once a year and a time that I usually greatly enjoy. It looks like I am going to HAVE to go, but I will also not be happy about it. I can enjoy hanging around his mother, however the rest of the family, particularly the kids are going to drive me up the wall....quickly! And like chinahopes said, you just cant feel comfortable in someone elses house getting seconds, going into the fridge, cabinets,etc. My dh just has this fairy tale idea in his mind that he wants this big happy family where everyone gets along, we all enjoy all this family time together, and everyone is so lovey-dovey, and thats just not reality. I have told him this but he still doesnt understand. When someone doesnt grow up with that and doesnt understand that lifestyle, you cant just automatically turn into this happy go-lucky, close knit family type of person. Thats not me, and dh knew that when we married. I know exactly how the "vacation" is going to go and I guess I'm just going to have to put up with it to keep the peace. A stop at the liquor store I think is going to be a definite though! lol

I could totally understand how you feel. I think some people are better at it than others, some like the mingling and all that, others can remain neutral but some just downright can't tolerate it <<< ME so I can relate.

I can't even tolerate my family's gatherings.

Don't know what to tell you, my mother would tell me to suck it up and go, perhaps you could find a compromise ? It really depends on your husband's family, if they're traditional they'll want it to go the traditional way and probably anything you suggest would be messing with tradition.

I have issues with my SO's family but I put my foot down, most of the time I suggest a dinner at a restaurant, but in your case they're all out of town so I dont know how that would work. The hotel would really be ideal because then you'll have that little private place to escape to.

Let us know how it goes..

[coachmommyofmin]

Well, let me give my pennies to this situation as well

I am an only child, my DH comes out of a hughe family, and I actually don't mind the get-togethers with HIS family. i know how to deal with them and i actually am having fun even tho it was hard as first bkz i wasn't used to so many people either (and their ways of life). I was very reserved towards them at first, didn't like the way they acted- but i decided that I will use everything to MY advantage and it worked!!! nowdays i have a harder time with my own parents, who think they have to get togehter 4 times (or more) a week and take posession of my son and time...

I do agree, that marriage is about commitment and about compromise, so i don't think it's out of line for your DH to be wanting to see his family once in a few years, but since there is a big money issue here- I'd be a little worried as well...

This is what i think- If you are ok with spending those 2k on a vacation/cruise trip, then you should be ok with going to DH's family, bkz your husband comes first. I give him this credit bkz his family is far away and once in a few years it should be ok to go see them.

If you wouldn't even spend 2k on a vacation/cruise, then i wouldn't go anywhere period.

I would make it very clear that you don't want DH to walk away from you on this trip and leave you alone with his family, and that you want "alone time with DH" on your family trip, where you and Dh can do something "alone" as well, not just "100% his family time". This way it still can be a vacation for you and his family trip. Try to find a compromise, honestly, i'd be glad if my own family would live far away like this so i wouldn't have to deal with them as much, once in a few years sounds not too bad lol.

Try to change your attitude, no matter what, be happy and ignore all the negative things around you! You'll be amazed how things can change instantly- no matter where you are, what you do. Good Luck

[dearmissie]

My family is large but I rarely see them. Growing up it was usually just me and my mom. Then I met my DF who whenever has a family gathering has no less than 20-30 people!! But I still have fun, and if I'm not I just ask him if we could leave a bit early.

And I agree with another poster who said if ur willing to spend the money on a cruise then u can afford this family visit. If you two are really hard up fir cash I suggesting maybe selling some bags/shoes/electronics/gadgets laying around that you don't use. Hopefully then u two can afford this trip. Until then, watch every penny!!

If you're not big on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Then why are you hung up on not enjoying your Thanksgiving holiday?? It's just another day really. Shouldn't we be thankful everyday??

[UK2ME]

Is there a compromise to be made where he can go and you can stay home? One reason could be the cost, and another that you know hed enjoy it far more without worrying about whether you're happy or not. If you can honestly tell him that you don't begrudge him going, but you'd really rather not, maybe there's wiggle room.

Just a bit of background on where I'm coming from... My in-laws are very much "family" people, and I'm not - in addition to which, my family is all still in the UK so there's no immediate family obligation to my husband. Thanksgiving isn't a big deal to me; being British, I have no traditions built around it. Christmas, on the other hand, to me is a time to be with your immediate family, in your own home. So we came to the agreement that I suck it up and do the big family thing for Thanksgiving, but Christmas is for us. Yes, the in-laws think I'm a bit - well - snooty for it, but it's important to me.