Survivors of Mental &/OR Physical ABUSE from Spouse

[legsieloveslamb]

I scoured several threads and didn't come across anything like what I am posting, but forgive me if it has been posted before.
Across the world, this is a serious issue among relationships. Domestic violence no matter if it's physical/mental abuse- it's still abuse! If it makes you afraid or uneasy to be with someone- then it is abuse and it is TOXIC to you, your health and mental well-being and WRONG in every sense! I know this is a sensitive subject, it sure is for me, so much that I have a hard time anymore discussing it. But I feel the need to reach out here.

I am surviving/still battling MENTAL abuse of all sorts for 13 years (manipulative talking/ head-games and threats of physical harm done by future ex-spouse). It is something that will take me YEARS to heal from and get past. I feel as if, I'm damaged for life.

What I wish for this thread is this and any/all questions can be answered if they apply to you or even someone you witnessed go through it:

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
2. What was your Mental abuse?
3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water! (LIKE ME- the poster of this thread, but it hasn't been EASY!!)
4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

Any other insightful information would help, too. And PLEASE be KIND! Do not attack or ridicule anyone. That is the worst thing you can do! Like me, I'm sure that others are more sensitive to these matters if they have been the victim and it is crucial how these matters are discussed.
Thanks!! I hope to get many responses and insight and a little "support group" here.

[nataliam1976]

legsie, I just wanted to say that the little ex next to the word spouse in your post made me very happy. I have seen your other posts and I can just applaud your decision. I havent been in an abusive relationship myself as such, but my mum and I have been abused by my father for many years. I moved out but mum never had the strength to try and get her life back. What you are doing for you and your son now is the best decision you could make. I just want to wish you all the good luck in the world

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

legsie, I just wanted to say that the little ex next to the word spouse in your post made me very happy. I have seen your other posts and I can just applaud your decision. I havent been in an abusive relationship myself as such, but my mum and I have been abused by my father for many years. I moved out but mum never had the strength to try and get her life back. What you are doing for you and your son now is the best decision you could make. I just want to wish you all the good luck in the world

Thank you!! I applaud YOU for seeing the abuse that your father put you through. Have you ever confronted him about it?
Yes- I do need LOTS and tons of luck! It's just very difficult to make this all "fall into place"- that places it lightly. After 13 years of dealing and almost leaving once (why did I come back? As a last-ditch effort) And because I was brought up with such strong morals that my morals took over, but my health and mentality suffered, still is, but I've had enough. I can't bear to vision myself in the situation still years from now. I see myself in a corner of a mental institution and I KNOW I am still TOO strong and too GOOD for that outcome!

As more posts come- more of my story may unfold. It is hard for me to speak of all the "acts" that have been placed upon me through the years. Some of which I have documented, too.

[PurseAddict79]

Thank you for starting this thread. A LOT of people out there don't even understand they're in an abusive relationship until they read stories from other women. Legsie I am so proud of you for getting out.

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
He was both... and more mental than physical
2. What was your Mental abuse?
Name calling, cheating and blaming it on me or denying it and saying I was crazy for thinking he was, constantly comparing me to his ex, yelling, screaming, no intimacy (and by that I mean no kissing, hugging, nothing)
3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship?
I had been thinking about it for some time. I was tired of worrying about where he was and what/who he was doing. The cheating hurt more than the physical abuse. But the event that topped the cake was right before Xmas. He was planning a fishing trip. He left his email open when I hopped on the laptop, and I read a message (I know it was wrong of me, but I knew something was up) where he had actually invited a girl to go on the overnight fishing trip with him. I confronted him, and he ended up beating the crap out of me... infront of my son and his 3 young kids. His mom was visiting, and had to pull him off me. I was covered head to toe in bruises. And the look in his eyes... OMG... I thought he was going to kill me. I found a place 2 weeks later... I stayed through the holidays for his kids and my son. But as soon as 2009 hit, I made a pact to move out. I bought a condo and was moved into it on 1/15... I bought it from friends, so I actually rented from them until I could officially assume the loan. I left everything with him... furniture, dishes, appliances... everything. I didn't want to touch anything that reminded me of him. My son and I started over.
4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
After moving out, I was a sucker and still helped "poor single dad" with his children... I took them to school, cared for them while he worked nights, etc. But I'd had enough not long after that all started, and when I told him I was done he freaked out. Started stalking me and stuff. I got a restraining order, which he violated twice... the 2nd time landed him a night in county.
5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?
My family was so upset w/ me for not telling them sooner. Honestly, the reason I decided to leave (even before the physical incident) was because my bff told me if I didn't leave him she couldn't be my friend anymore because she didn't know how to support or help me when I continued to stay in such a bad situation. She was the only one who knew what I was going through... and the thought of losing her friendship really opened my eyes.

I am in therapy as I have a host of problems that pretty much stem from this relationship. I have an ED because he never wanted to make love to me and always watched porn... so i thought he'd want me if I was thinner. I have major trust issues because he cheated so many times. I hold my feelings in for fear of being ridiculed or slapped for voicing my opinion.

But the worst damage of all is what my son went through. He saw his mommy unhappy. He saw a man hitting his mommy. He's an only child, and his father and I divorced when he was an infant... so in a way, he has always been the "man of the house". He couldn't "fix" things, and as a result he started acting out in school; fighting, stealing, getting in trouble all the time... because those were situations he could control.

The look on his face that night when my ex was on top of me... my poor little boy begging him to stop hurting his mommy... all at the tender age of 6... I'm sitting here crying as I type this because I truly believe, in some ways, I ruined my son's life because of what that relationship put him through.

I'm working on re-building my son and myself. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is insanely patient and supportive... more than I could ever ask for. But the damage is there, and I'm not sure it will ever be gone 100%. I feel like an abused dog... you know?

Thank you for reading...

[Jeneen]

& to everyone! Thank you for sharing your stories.

Be brave.

Break the cycle of abuse!

[legsieloveslamb]

PurseAddict79- First, your story brought tears to my own eyes. Second- thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for sharing. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes I do feel alone. Everyone around me is NOT in an abusive relationship and I get jealous- honestly. That has helped me open my eyes in a small way. I see what I deserve, too.

My abuse has been completely Mental with Threats of physical harm- I never have ever underestimated those threats.
The mental abuse has been everything from name calling for NO REASON, accusations of cheating (he's not a cheater, though but he has trust issues), making me feel like I have no opinions, undermining me, unsupportiveness, threats of leaving me at the drop of a hat, destruction of items, threats to destroy items, cutting me off from friends but not making it completely obvious that he was the cause, blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong, and admitting to being the "master of manipulation"- How can a person trust someone like that? I can't anymore and haven't for a LONG time. Has spoken HIGHLY of me to other people or put on "a show" but yet I never felt much of that between just us. Sex?- Ha! Rarely after years was I ever much in the mood- lack of love- but to keep him happy and from previous experience of how saying "NO" wouldn't go too well- I'd give in and then feel "mentally raped" which is a terrible feeling!
I'm sure there's more I can add to that list, but it is painful to recall when I'm trying to move on!

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by Jeneen

& to everyone! Thank you for sharing your stories. Be brave. Break the cycle of abuse!

Thank you, dear Jeneen. I hope for more to come forward and speak out.

[natalie78]

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?

Initially, he was just mentally abuse. He hit me once...and only once.

2. What was your Mental abuse?

He was sleeping around without even trying to hide it. But, he made me feel like it was my fault for not giving him everything he wanted. He also made sure that I knew that no other guy would want me. As a result, when he said he wanted something or needed money, I would bleed my bank account dry to keep him happy and interested in me.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water!

I was going to school out of state at the time and he had bled my finances dry. I had no money and couldn't pay my bills, but was working my butt off. Finally, he smacked me around when I refused to buy him something (I don't even remember what it was). We shared a house, but had different bedrooms, so I went into my room and called my dad. He and my mom jumped into their truck and drove through the night to come get me.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

I moved back home (three states away). He called me once and I didn't do very much talking. He tried to convince me that he loved me and wanted me to go back when the fall semester started. When I refused, he got mad and went back into abuse mode. I ended the call and never spoke to him again. He tried calling my parents' house and my work a few times, but he finally gave up.

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

I never told my family about his behavior. I would only tell them that I was home sick. A couple years later, I did tell my dad that he had stolen money from me, but I didn't get into anything else. I think my parents knew, but didn't know how to approach the subject. Now, my friends cannot imagine that I once let someone treat me that way.


In a way, I guess I should thank him. I used to be a doormat, but because of him, I swore that I would never be taken advatage of again. People like him also swayed me into my chosen field.

[legsieloveslamb]

Natalie78- One thing that I see for you- You got out pretty promptly from what your story has stated.
I, too, recall being told that "no one else would want me"- But he knew that isn't so. It's actually the reverse; No one else would put up with his mental/twisted ways. He has always had a way of turning everything that is his fault into everyone else's fault. Rarely admitting to doing anything wrong.
The pattern that I've always seen through the years is how he would quickly "turn" his attitude- just like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Also, after an "incident" how he seems to just act like it NEVER happened! No appologies or anything, while I would still be extremely hurt by the events that had taken place. I still don't understand that, and I never will, I gave up a long time ago trying to "fix him".

[Jeneen]

I think the more people talk about it - the more people will come forward - and less people will continue to suffer.

[natalie78]

Originally Posted by legsieloveslamb

Natalie78- One thing that I see for you- You got out pretty promptly from what your story has stated. I, too, recall being told that "no one else would want me"- But he knew that isn't so. It's actually the reverse; No one else would put up with his mental/twisted ways. He has always had a way of turning everything that is his fault into everyone else's fault. Rarely admitting to doing anything wrong. The pattern that I've always seen through the years is how he would quickly "turn" his attitude- just like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Also, after an "incident" how he seems to just act like it NEVER happened! No appologies or anything, while I would still be extremely hurt by the events that had taken place. I still don't understand that, and I never will, I gave up a long time ago trying to "fix him".

I consider myself lucky. I was with him for a little over a year when I left. Since then, he has been married and divorced twice. I guess HE was the problem after all...

You are so right about the quick personality changes. From one minute to the next, you just never know.

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by natalie78

I consider myself lucky. I was with him for a little over a year when I left. Since then, he has been married and divorced twice. I guess HE was the problem after all... You are so right about the quick personality changes. From one minute to the next, you just never know.

Yeah- that is sooooooooo sadly true. The main reason why I've been on meds for over 10 years, too! Mental abuse can really "mess" up a person's brain. That's why I feel like "damaged goods".

[Sternchen]

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?

Mentally abusive, he never laid a hand on me...although he did speak loudly into my ears on purpose when he knew that my ears are sensitive. I'm not sure if this would be considered abuse though.

2. What was your Mental abuse?

Mindgames, put downs, being told that I am an idiot, have no personality, that I'm basically worthless.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water!

He wasn't my spouse, just a boyfriend. I broke up with him after he laughed at a very serious situation that happened to me...that caused me to go to therapy for months. I confided my "secret" in him and he laughed. That was the last straw for me.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

No, I thankfully didn't have to

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

Nobody knows.

[legsieloveslamb]

^^Mindgames are a form of Mental Abuse! Thank goodness he was just a short-term boyfriend and how cruel to laugh at your serious situation.

[barbie_slayer]

First of all, thank you for posting this thread! I have been debating doing this as well as I just recently (April) left a mentally and physically abusive relationship. It was much easier than I thought it was going to be and am actually in the process of [trying] to press charges. If ANYONE needs any help or advice in doing the same I would be very glad to help in any way possible

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?

Both. Started off as mentally abusive, then started damaging the house when we would argue (ie: putting holes in the walls, breaking doors, loading his gun during arguements), and soon became physically abusive to me.

2. What was your Mental abuse?

He would say I am crazy, accuse me of cheating, and claim that I would never find another man who would put up with me.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water!

I had been very unhappy throughout the relationship. I no longer had feelings for him, nor was I attracted to him anymore. We were together 3 years and lived together 2 years. In January he choked me and then swore he'd never touch me in that way again. In April I decided there was much better men out there, and I was ready to move on. I broke up with him and promised to move out by the end of the month (I was living in his house) and he blew up! He became the most physically and mentally abusive I had ever seen him. He threw dishes at my legs, pulled me by the hair, threw me against our couch and finally threw me on the floor. He was on top of me screaming when one of our roommates pulled him off of me. I then ran upstairs to get dressed, because I had just showered and was still in my bathroom, called my friend who lived 2 miles away and said I was coming over. I filed a police report and my friend (who is now my boyfriend) and my parents came to my resuce and helped me move out that same week.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

I attempted to get a restraining order. I had a police report of the final incident, pictures of my cuts and bruises, and even text messages of him admitting to what he did and appologizing for it all. He had our 2 roommates testify that he never touched me, ever...and he won and I was not granted the injunction. I did move out and he does not know where I live, I forwarded all my mail to my parents address to make it even more difficult for him to discover. This month my car was stolen and declared a total loss, so now it will be more difficult for him to ever find me. I have also changed my route to school and work, and won't answer my phone to any unknown or unrecognized numbers...if it is important they will leave a message. I bought mace and will constantly look over my shoulder when in public alone.


5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

My family and friends were very supportive. I was very afraid to tell my family and waited a few days before even telling them anything. My parents drove up to help me move and have since been paying my rent and bills for my apartment. They also paid to funish my apartment. (I am a full time student with 3 unpaid internships so I have no income except scholarships and student loans). My friends called to see how I was doing everyday after the final incident and told me how glad they were that I was ok, which really helped. My friend/now-boyfriend is the one who actually helped me get the courage to leave the relationship...and then move out after the final incident.