Survivors of Mental &/OR Physical ABUSE from Spouse

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by LinaFelina

To all: I had seen this thread before and was hesitant to write until now. I'm one of the handful of males on TPF and once dated a woman in the past who was physically and mentally abused. Having seen first hand what it does to a person, it is not enough for me to say I abhor these things. I remember seeing her waking up in the middle of the night screaming, to see that someone had hurt her so much, it is a vision I see clearly when I read through this thread. I never know what else to say at this point. I never knew what to say to her but to hold her until the pain had quieted. To listen when she needed it. To make sure she knew that whatever turmoil it caused in her life, it was in no way her fault. I hold those same thoughts for you all.

So sweet of you and I think you handled things right. That's all I feel that I need too. I have many people on my side, many are also sadly against me (unbelievable how people can turn their backs when such a serious thing is going on), and I have only just a few that are "really really there" for me.

[angl2b]

So I came across this thread, and I can relate to some of you ladies. So I will share my story.

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both? Mentally
2. What was your Mental abuse?
He demeaning towards me, told me I was fat, always accused me of wanting to cheat on him, cut off my contact with my friends and family one by one, made me call my close girlfriends and ask demeaning questions, humiliated me in front of my family and friends, left me behind and made me beg, put down my family and if I had any opinions that weren't the same as his then I was against him

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship?
I am ashamed to say he moved away to a different state and I still went to see him every few months. I had to rebuild my life here in my home state.
In the end was his test to me if I was still following him like a dog. He asked me if he were to ask me to move to where he was - he would pay for a plane ticket - give me one week to break my lease, pay the penalties and move down to where he is and IF within a day he decided he didn't want me there - would I still willingly move for him. I responded with I had to think about it. When I said that he said I changed and that I was no longer living just for him, so he stopped talking to me. Did I mention he was screwing other women? He told me it wasn't cheating so as long as he was honest and told me everything. When I did visit him, I cooked and cleaned for him.
So yes, I am ashamed to say I never wanted to get out of that relationship at the time. i begged for him to take me back and to come back bring, bring me with him and that I would wait for him to come around.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
No.
5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?
They hated him. They didn't want me with him, but I couldn't see it. I felt that if you love someone you would give up everything, including your dignity and everything you believe in just for that person.
I was only 18 at the time (this went on for 4 years), he was 23.
My husband when I met him he waited patiently for the next five years while we were together for me to get over this hold my ex had over me (we've been together for 8 years now).


A part of me i guess knows that this was a very unhealthy relationship when I look back and reflect on all that had happened. My father is abusive towards my mom, myself, my siblings. So in a way I am use to it. I am use to the verbal abuse and the physical abuse. To me at the time because my ex was so educated with 3 degrees at his age at ivy league schools he MUST know better than what I was taught. He had to, he was so intelligent, right?
Looking back at all the tears I shed, and heartaches I felt, I do feel that I am okay in some ways with all that happened cause I learned something.

My husband calls it the batter woman syndrome. A man beats you, but you accept his apologies and let it happen over and over and think and feel he loves you.

You know the first thanksgiving I was suppose to spend with my ex, he went to a singles retreat with his guy friend. I went to my high school friend's parent house and being that we had just graduated from hs a few months prior it was a good reunion. Him and my other guy friend at the end of the night didn't want me riding the metro by myself and going back to my apt where I was living with my ex. After an hour ride or so, they need to use the mens room, so I let them walk me back to my apt and use the bathroom. My ex called to see if I was home and I told him so and so was over and they are leaving, they just used the rest room. My ex got so pissed. he accused me of cheating on him and sleeping around, told me if they needed to use the bathroom they are guys they can go in the alley! He then proceeded to hang up on me. I was shocked. So stunned. I wasn't even 19 yet and here I am just got home from dinner and he is at a singles retreat and I am getting yelled at? I was so upset I cried all night and cried myself to sleep. Let me just say I learned my lesson I never again ever went out with a guy friend or let them in even if he is there ever again.
He never waited for me - not once. If he has to wait 5 minutes he leaves and yells at me. This is when I am working, and can't leave cause I have to get something done. Not even 5 minutes. He watched porn over being with me and called me a B*tch if I was upset. He wanted me to do whatever he wants sexually on command. The list goes on.
I guess the bottom line is, even though I didn't get out of this by choice in the end I am glad I did. I talk to my mom about this sometimes and it is amazing how blind I was when I was in "love". A hard lesson learned and all those things my ex made me afraid of or do because he trained me to behave or be a certain way I am still "unlearning". It took me years before I started letting my husband know my thoughts and feelings in fear he would yell at me, and accuse me of things. I use to call my husband from the moment I get in the car - I call to let him know where I was and when I get there I call, then I call again to let him know I was still there, etc.
Ladies, if I am thankful about anything - and I am grateful for a lot, my husband is one of them. He has taught me and given me back my dignity, my values that I believed in, my faith in humanity, my trust in men, and opened my eyes about so much more about relationships. If there's anyone out there that doesn't think that they can trust again or meet someone that is truly good. There is hope. It takes a while to regain that hope again and I am glad there is this thread to let you know you're not alone.

Sorry if you ladies think my post is irrelevant or too long and off topic. I don't know if I explained or expressed myself as well as I should have, or I am just writing for the sake of writing.

I do want to say that I haven't lost touch with him, he doesn't have that "hold" over me like he once did. But he did tell me a while ago that since he left, he has wished he never did and did things differently between us. And that he has never met another girl/woman like me since he left.
I do feel better after all these years to know this. In some weird way it's almost like what goes around comes around, and he didn't know to appreciate what he had before he lost it completely.

[PurseAddict79]

^^ I'm so sorry you went through that . My relationship had a lot of issues similar to yours; name-calling/belittling, cheating, obsession with porn, etc.

It doesn't matter who ended the relationship; I'm just glad you got out and you healed yourself.

[laureenthemean]

I have to give this thread a bump because of something that just happened.

My BF knew this girl, a friend of a friend of his. She had been with her BF for about a year. He had always been controlling (not letting her hang out with anyone, very jealous) and her friends suspect physical abuse as well. A couple of weeks ago, she finally made the decision to leave him, and she brought her friends with her for moral support. The BF wouldn't let anyone in except her, so they waited outside the house. A little while later, he kicked his mom out (he lives with her) and locked all the doors. The friends were really worried and broke the door down. They found him bleeding, lying next to her. He had stabbed her and then himself. He survived, but she was already dead when the friends found her.

If you are in an abusive relationship and thinking about leaving, do it. It will get worse. Plan your escape, follow through, and don't look back.

[juneping]

bf's ex was pretty abusive towards him (mentally/verbally). i don't know the details...but it really destroyed his confidence. his friend told me bf used to bend over backward for her and it's never good enough. since men are less able to verbalize their emotions...it's been a very difficult time for him. when the roles/gender reverse...it makes absolutely no difference. the one on the receiving end is just very unfortunate...it really could damage a regular human being...since nobody on earth is perfect...
one thing i learned from his experience...those who mentally abuse other people, they are great manipulators themselves.