Survivors of Mental &/OR Physical ABUSE from Spouse

[ampeefyed]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

I cannot stress that enough. Yes, it is maybe harder and more complicated when you have kids, but staying for the kids is the biggest BS excuse I have ever heard. If you truly care about your kids, you will provide them with better than that.

uh-huh! you said that right.

^legsie, i hear you & wish you all the best.

[nataliam1976]

just hugs and to all the ladies who posted, legsie I hope youre doing ok, sweetheart, please remember we are always here for you

[legsieloveslamb]

^^Thanks- frankly, I'm falling apart little by little. I barely come on here anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but I feel like a broken record sometimes with all the whining I do and would hate to constantly post it on here. I'm just miserable!
The worst thing is; I have a friend, who's a guy, and after all of my crap started he's been very supportive as a friend and all....... but I've pushed him away. I feel horrible for it, but torn too. It's just awful. It's awful how the "scars" affect everything that is supposed to be "a good thing" for me.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by legsieloveslamb

^^Thanks- frankly, I'm falling apart little by little. I barely come on here anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but I feel like a broken record sometimes with all the whining I do and would hate to constantly post it on here. I'm just miserable! The worst thing is; I have a friend, who's a guy, and after all of my crap started he's been very supportive as a friend and all....... but I've pushed him away. I feel horrible for it, but torn too. It's just awful. It's awful how the "scars" affect everything that is supposed to be "a good thing" for me.

Whine and vent all the time, we wont mind! It does scar you for life and we all here understand it and live with the effects of itand if you dont want to post in the thread and feel like whining again and again, you can always PM me, hun.

[Jeneen]

Legsie

[Rhose]

I was very young when I got into this relationship - only 17. I stayed for a year and we lived together for most of that time. Three months after we met he tattooed my name on his arm. That should've sent me running...

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?

Both.

2. What was your Mental abuse?

Ultra possessiveness. I was still in school when we started dating, and he'd never go to work but would instead "surprise" me at the train station every morning to escort me to school. He'd wait at the school gate for me afterwards too. He was by my side every possible second of the day. He could never hold down a job, unsurprisingly, so he'd guilt me for money: "I couldn't go to work because of you".

Constantly checking my phone. Whenever I was around any other guys - especially friends of mine - he'd out of nowhere say horrible stuff about me. "Tom, did you know [Rhose] has herpes?" (NOT true.) He'd try to get into physical fights with male friends, acquaintances even. That was in the beginning though - I soon never saw any male friends.

Taking my money, ID and bank cards away from me. Alienating me from family and friends. Incredible emotional manipulation, making me feel guilty etc.

Physical stuff was punching, shoving and slapping. I remember one night I asked him to turn down his blaring music because I was studying. It escalated and he ripped the power cord out of the stereo, doubled it over, and started beating me with it.

Driving down a busy suburban street drunk at night, at literally three times the speed limit, to scare me. Leaving me alone in potentially very dangerous situations on purpose. I was a piddly 85lb teen for god's sake. Physically preventing me from leaving a place when we were fighting. That last one used to bother me the most, oddly.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship?

Something just clicked one day. Despite trying to keep me under his thumb I started study at an excellent university. I worked hard at my part time job so had enough cash to leave. I was excited about life and realised I needed to drop the dead weight. I think I was so young I fell for his crap, but still young enough to bounce back with relative ease. It makes me sound stupid, but it took me a long time to realise that the stuff he did was very wrong. In a way I think my naivety saved me - I copped a lot but it never broke me. I hope that makes sense. I'm a much stronger, wiser person now because of it.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

No. He put up a huge fight at first, but I got my parents involved. I mean, what was he really? A total loser. He skulked off once he saw I was finally letting my amazing family back me up. He knew he couldn't cajole me back too - I had well and truly snapped out of it by then.

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

They HATED him from the beginning. I know now that family are usually right. If they don't like your SO, take some notice! My parents were very relieved, although they never knew the extent of the situation.

Even now, 7 years later, all I can feel is a kind of detached hatred for him. I'm disappointed in myself that I fell for it. He's tried to contact me on Facebook in the past year, making out like everything's grand and ooooh we should catch up. Sorry but I'm not a starry-eyed clueless teen anymore, asshole.

[Green Zebra]

Originally Posted by legsieloveslamb

^^Thanks- frankly, I'm falling apart little by little. I barely come on here anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but I feel like a broken record sometimes with all the whining I do and would hate to constantly post it on here. I'm just miserable! The worst thing is; I have a friend, who's a guy, and after all of my crap started he's been very supportive as a friend and all....... but I've pushed him away. I feel horrible for it, but torn too. It's just awful. It's awful how the "scars" affect everything that is supposed to be "a good thing" for me.

sending hugs and warm wishes your way...we WANT to hear from you!

[chris7891]

Its super hard for me to post in here.
I haven't been with anyone for over 2 years, my last relationship was extremely horrible and scary. After things ended I felt like I was worthless and didn't want to go on. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. When I look back at things I don't know why I stayed and put up with things for soo long.

[rainrowan]

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
BOTH

2. What was your Mental abuse?
The bastard used to be in a cult so he learned how to brainwash and break me down. He would keep me from sleeping by throwing water over my face the moment I fell asleep all through the night. Right before he beat the crap out of me he would say "I don't need to tell you anything, guess what I'm thinking" this scared the shit out of me so much b/c if I wasn't able to tell him what he was thinking, I got in trouble; he would say "physical abuse is better than mental abuse b/c physical is temporary", every time a man looked my way, he would blame me for inciting them. He burnt my phonebook b/c of male names who were my friends, threw out my clothes, diary, break all personal affects of mine. If I had to work late, I was up to no good. Possessive to the point where I got slapped, hair pulled out in fistfuls, punched almost daily whenever he perceived a slight, all my fault he'd say for causing him so much suffering. He'd turn real scary and quiet, wait till we got home and let me have it, or he would threaten to take me to an empty parking lot and tell me he was going to maim me, or shoot my parents for bringing me into the world. There's more but it's pretty horrific. So I always felt I was in the wrong, that I wasn't a decent person, that I was worthless and in need of saving.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship?
Out of self preservation after years. I was cornered for so long I started to fight back. I was like some damn floor mop, all dirty and being used over and over on a dirty floor. The night he came home with telltale marks from another woman, was when I started making my escape out of the relationship. It just clicked and within 24 hours, I was out of there. It took years to get over it, but I managed to become a somewhat sane person again.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
Right before I moved out, he tried to strangle me with a pole across my neck. I came to my senses and found the strength of 10 men w/in me. I called the police to get a case number open in case he tried to kill me and they couldn't do a damn thing. Said I had to have physical proof I had been assaulted. So basically they would only do something if I was already hurt. I basically cancelled every single thing we shared together so he wouldn't be following me around haunting me. I left my job and got married a few years later, changed my name. He tried to find me through my last employment and thank goodness my former coworker never told him where or when I left the vicinity.

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?
They all didn't really help, they were upset I was the black sheep. My father had kicked me out of the house in a fit of anger when I was seeing this bastard so I was left on my own without support. He ordered the whole family not to have contact with me. He had always hated me, and this was like the last straw, he hated me so much he wanted the worse for me. It's been many many years and I forgave my father so I can move on. I'm still dealing with the self esteem issues stemming from the father-wounded daughter relationship. I feel that has been the root of all my issues with self esteem and identity, long before I even met the bastard.

[336]

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
Both.
2. What was your Mental abuse?
Slow and subtle. Telling me I wasn't good enough, always nitpicking everything I did, cooked, cleaned. Always just picking.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water! (LIKE ME- the poster of this thread, but it hasn't been EASY!!)
He cheated on me. Blamed me for snooping because that's how he was caught and that I was a bad person for not trusting him and snooping. I know. wtf.
4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
Nope, I was pretty devastated about the break up and stopped eating and sleeping and dropped 16 pounds.
5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?
Friends were pretty supportive. Family... Not so much.

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by chris7891

Its super hard for me to post in here. I haven't been with anyone for over 2 years, my last relationship was extremely horrible and scary. After things ended I felt like I was worthless and didn't want to go on. I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. When I look back at things I don't know why I stayed and put up with things for soo long.

I have PTSD, too. It's difficult, I know.

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

Whine and vent all the time, we wont mind! It does scar you for life and we all here understand it and live with the effects of itand if you dont want to post in the thread and feel like whining again and again, you can always PM me, hun.

Lately- I've just felt the extreme need that I need a person to be physically there. I can post and post til my eyes flood......... and not feel much better just sick and wanting to vomit. Yes, I vomit when I get too upset and I NEVER used to do that- that started actually a couple years ago. When I need to talk the most, no one ever seems to be around, have the time, ect. and that gets me down- way down. I know it's not their fault, but it still hurts- more than it should. That's why I pushed my one friend away- he wasn't there one day when I needed him and it upset me and hurt me so bad that I haven't contacted him since. I guess that's one of my other scars- lack of "normal" emotional support for 13 years.

[legsieloveslamb]

Originally Posted by Green Zebra

sending hugs and warm wishes your way...we WANT to hear from you!

Thanks. Like I said...... I could post, post, post, till my eyes flood and it feels like nothing is taking this pain and anger away from me. Sometimes I really wish that there was instant chatting on here!

[ampeefyed]

you could always call a helpline if you wanted to talk to someone & get things off your chest. i know it's better to talk to someone you know but sometimes talking to a complete stranger is cathartic.
call the guy friend you mentioned. he sounds like a good person and probably doesn't begrudge you for pushing him away.

[Coe]

When I was in that relationship, I was really young, only 16 and we stayed together for about a year.

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
Mentally and he hit me just once and that was it.

2. What was your Mental abuse?

He would tell me that I was so ugly that no one would would want me except him, that I was stupid and I would never do something good in my life, that I was a whore and a slut,tell me that he was the only person who cared about me and that I was nothing but a dog.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water!

One day we were at his parents house and I said to him that it was over, he was so angry that he took me firmly by the arm and he slapped me in the face and told me that I was nothing but a dog and no one would ever want me. So I slapped him back in the face and got out of his house and ran as fast as I could and one of my good friend (who is now my boyfriend) was driving and when he saw me he told me to get in, I got in his car and we went to his house.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

No I didn't have to go that far because he found himself a new ''victim'' but whenever he see me he always tell me that I'm a slut but most of the time I don't even listen to him, because I now know what I'm worth and what I deserve in a relationship.

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?

Actually I waited before telling my family but when I did they were so relieved that I got out before it got even worse. They were super supportive with me. My friends when they knew it they were relieved also because they knew he was no good for me but one of the person who helped me the most with that, was my friend( now my boyfriend) who helped me believe that love could be a fantastic thing also.