Survivors of Mental &/OR Physical ABUSE from Spouse

[legsieloveslamb]

^^I can fully understand the forever "looking behind your shoulders" feeling. All too well.

[jackie100]

what i wish for this thread is this and any/all questions can be answered if they apply to you or even someone you witnessed go through it:

1. Was your abuser mentally abusive, physically abusive, or both?

both, physically my ex slapped me all the time, has choked me twice i think. Once dragged me by hair out of his house because i refused to leave. he also spat in my face during fights and once he spat food in my face.


2. What was your mental abuse?

he would steal from me. Once during a fight he withdrew $500 from my bank account. Another time he asked to borrow $300 to pay bills but then he ended up taking $500 as well. I was always persuaded into paying his bills, dental, cell phone etc. He lived with me for 2 years and only paid his share of the rent twice (which wasn't even half of the rent). He always guilt tripped me into buying him all sorts of stuff, electronic equipment and books etc and much more, and when i didn't want to buy it for him he would pack up his stuff and threaten to leave. I was really needy so i did anything to make him stay. He would also yell at me in public, like at a huge outdoors shopping mall. A few times he would also drive erratically during fights and speed with me in the car and break real hard almost hitting something.


3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning,

i didn't get out of the relationship. He left me. One day he just left and never came back without breaking up me, without calling or writing or anything. I was actually constantly calling him and begging him to come back and that i would change and do anything to have him back but he never responded. I think i waited for months or maybe even longer. i knew his po box and once i even sent him money because i knew he would need it.

details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say,


enough is enough- i'm out come hell or high water! (like me- the poster of this thread, but it hasn't been easy!!)

nope. I probably would have stayed if he didn't leave me.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as restraining orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?

i did not leave him, he chose to leave me. After he left i would leave messages on his voice mail begging for him to come back.


5. How did your family and friends react?

i am not close to my family. I don't talk to them and they know nothing of my life. The only friend i had was actually my ex-bf's sister and when i told her of stuff she thought i was exaggerating because she didn't think her brother was that crazy. She told her cousin (her cousin is also my ex's cousin) and her cousin has hated me since high school and claimed that i was the one who was crazy and making it all up.

As for my ex's older bro, he said he doesn't feel sorry for me because i chose to stay and give him money (which is true). I probably spent over 10k on my ex bf total. I don't know how much i spent exactly because i lost track. Later i found out he actually was homeless after he left me and was living on the streets. He is schizophrenic and during the time he was on the streets he was going into psychosis. When he was living with me he was always paranoid and thought people at his work were going to kill him etc he took my money to have his car sweeped. He even thought there were hidden cameras in the house.

His family never believed me when i said he was insane but after around a year on the streets he came back to his family and he started starving himself. His family finally saw that he was crazy and eventually had to have him committed because he was close to dying (didn't eat for 3 weeks) and hiding in his room, doing all sorts of bizarre behavior.. Now they finally see that i was right all along.

[dearmissie]

I don't like to talk about my ex, or even think about him. I'm iffy on even writing this post because I don't want to even waste my time thinking of him. However, I want to be able to maybe help someone with my story and let them know they are not alone... So well, here it gooooes.

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both? Both.

2. What was your Mental abuse? Cheating, downing me by name calling. Telling me I'm not worth it, that no man would ever love me because I'm a hoe (although I've never slept around and was completely faithful!!). He'd threaten to kill me and burn down my family's house. Seriously, a f*cking jerk.

3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? Include planning, details, or even the event that "topped the cake". Or did you simply say, enough is enough- I'm OUT come hell or high water! (LIKE ME- the poster of this thread, but it hasn't been EASY!!) I tried for 3 years to leave him, but he'd always pull a guilt trip on me. As time passed the guilt trip left, and it was just him saying, "You can't leave me. You'll never find anyone who will love you because you're a bitch and unlovable. You'll never get better than me". I believed him for a bit, but then realized, I could get so much better. He was dirt, a lazy fat unmotivated turd. I knew for sure I could get better. So I just finally left him for good.

4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity? We had some legal issues (which I prefer not to share details with) but he owed my family money and it was then the only time I had to see him was to get the money he owed us. But my Mom was always there to watch over the meeting to make sure we stayed on topic and he didn't do anything he wasn't suppose to do. With her there, I was strong and we never ever spoke about anything. Just exchanged money quick and he was gone. I wouldn't give him the power over me for me to move, change my number, etc. However later we did end up moving, but not because of him.

5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT? Most of my family didn't know. Some did and they just hated him and think of him as scum. It was them supporting me which really got me through it. I am so thankful to have them. They helped me stay strong. Most friends didn't know at the time. And my DF knows what happened, and he's been so supportive. He's shown me what it's really like to be in love and to be treated like a princess. That asshole I dated was useless. However, he did allow me to realize what being in a relationship was NOT about. He's taught me to treasure my DF and to really savor what we've got going on.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by legsieloveslamb

Thank you!! I applaud YOU for seeing the abuse that your father put you through. Have you ever confronted him about it? Yes- I do need LOTS and tons of luck! It's just very difficult to make this all "fall into place"- that places it lightly. After 13 years of dealing and almost leaving once (why did I come back? As a last-ditch effort) And because I was brought up with such strong morals that my morals took over, but my health and mentality suffered, still is, but I've had enough. I can't bear to vision myself in the situation still years from now. I see myself in a corner of a mental institution and I KNOW I am still TOO strong and too GOOD for that outcome! As more posts come- more of my story may unfold. It is hard for me to speak of all the "acts" that have been placed upon me through the years. Some of which I have documented, too.

yes, I have confronted him and my mother repeatedly. When I was 13 I left home and got on a train to my grandmother and I refused to come back unless he starts treatment. That of course didnt happen but I came back anyway, I didnt want to leave my friends and school. Even when he tried to strangle me once, my mum didnt do anything about it. Well, she said we would move out but nothing happened. The furthest I managed to do was to get her to move out for two weeks or so and then she gave up again. Finally I decided that if she wants to screw up her life, fine with me, I wont.

My father is dead now, she lives in denial, pretends most of it didnt happen and chooses to remember only good things. I love her very much but at the same time I havent managed to forgive her what she put herself and me through by not leaving him, and I feel sorry for her because most of her life she has been a very unhappy and unfullfilled person.

I think your son is very lucky to have a mom like you.

[EMMY]

This thread is compelling. I think it is a great catharsis to so many victims of abuse, as well as a moitvator to those women still strapped in these relationships. If these stories can motivate just one woman to get out of an abusive relationship it is worth it. My heart goes out to all of you who posted...thank God you got out alive and are in the process of healing.

[krisluvspurses]

Wow, this is a powerful thread! There's so many strong women here! I haven't read the whole thing yet, but just want to applaud you all for taking control of your lives and getting out of these awful situations. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment.

[Blondee178]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Thank you for starting this thread. A LOT of people out there don't even understand they're in an abusive relationship until they read stories from other women. Legsie I am so proud of you for getting out. 1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both? He was both... and more mental than physical 2. What was your Mental abuse? Name calling, cheating and blaming it on me or denying it and saying I was crazy for thinking he was, constantly comparing me to his ex, yelling, screaming, no intimacy (and by that I mean no kissing, hugging, nothing) 3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship? I had been thinking about it for some time. I was tired of worrying about where he was and what/who he was doing. The cheating hurt more than the physical abuse. But the event that topped the cake was right before Xmas. He was planning a fishing trip. He left his email open when I hopped on the laptop, and I read a message (I know it was wrong of me, but I knew something was up) where he had actually invited a girl to go on the overnight fishing trip with him. I confronted him, and he ended up beating the crap out of me... infront of my son and his 3 young kids. His mom was visiting, and had to pull him off me. I was covered head to toe in bruises. And the look in his eyes... OMG... I thought he was going to kill me. I found a place 2 weeks later... I stayed through the holidays for his kids and my son. But as soon as 2009 hit, I made a pact to move out. I bought a condo and was moved into it on 1/15... I bought it from friends, so I actually rented from them until I could officially assume the loan. I left everything with him... furniture, dishes, appliances... everything. I didn't want to touch anything that reminded me of him. My son and I started over. 4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity? After moving out, I was a sucker and still helped "poor single dad" with his children... I took them to school, cared for them while he worked nights, etc. But I'd had enough not long after that all started, and when I told him I was done he freaked out. Started stalking me and stuff. I got a restraining order, which he violated twice... the 2nd time landed him a night in county. 5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT? My family was so upset w/ me for not telling them sooner. Honestly, the reason I decided to leave (even before the physical incident) was because my bff told me if I didn't leave him she couldn't be my friend anymore because she didn't know how to support or help me when I continued to stay in such a bad situation. She was the only one who knew what I was going through... and the thought of losing her friendship really opened my eyes. I am in therapy as I have a host of problems that pretty much stem from this relationship. I have an ED because he never wanted to make love to me and always watched porn... so i thought he'd want me if I was thinner. I have major trust issues because he cheated so many times. I hold my feelings in for fear of being ridiculed or slapped for voicing my opinion. But the worst damage of all is what my son went through. He saw his mommy unhappy. He saw a man hitting his mommy. He's an only child, and his father and I divorced when he was an infant... so in a way, he has always been the "man of the house". He couldn't "fix" things, and as a result he started acting out in school; fighting, stealing, getting in trouble all the time... because those were situations he could control. The look on his face that night when my ex was on top of me... my poor little boy begging him to stop hurting his mommy... all at the tender age of 6... I'm sitting here crying as I type this because I truly believe, in some ways, I ruined my son's life because of what that relationship put him through. I'm working on re-building my son and myself. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is insanely patient and supportive... more than I could ever ask for. But the damage is there, and I'm not sure it will ever be gone 100%. I feel like an abused dog... you know? Thank you for reading...

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so proud of you for leaving him and starting a new life with your son.

[PurseAddict79]

^^ Thank you. It been almost 6 months since I left him... I feel a bit stronger every day, but at the same time I struggle with it every day as well... not the fact that I left him; that's the best decision I've ever made. But I struggle with the emotional side of things. The hurt from being treated so poorly. The blows my self esteem took. I kills me knowing I gave him the power to break me.

[Blondee178]

Domestic abuse is so near and dear to my heart b/c it's something I have experienced. I don't think about it but throughout the years, I realize that I still live with the side effects.

1. Was your abuser Mentally abusive, Physically abusive, or Both?
Both.
2. What was your Mental abuse?
He left me to be with his ex while I was pregnant with our son, I was a teenager. We ended up together again 2 years later. When we lived together I couldn’t get in the shower without him asking me why? Where was I going? He sometimes sat on the toilet just to watch what I was doing at all times. Didn't want me to have friends or even talk to his family, some of whom we lived with. We lived across the street from my family and he wouldn't let me see them. He didn’t work but took all of my money when I got paid.
3. How did you remove/get out of the relationship?
When I got a job as a waitress he would do everything in his power so I wouldn't go to work. He didn't want men hitting on me or perhaps he didn't want to lose all the control he had over me. Being out and gaining some of my independence made me realize that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I stopped loving him and eventually was/am repulsed by him. So one day, after an argument I decided to move back to my mother’s house. I told him we would still be together but will not live together anymore. It was my way of easing out of the relationship. He wasn’t allowed to visit, so I knew he wouldn’t bother me there. Eventually I told him it was over for good. I didn’t love him and wanted him out of my & my son’s lives.
4. Did you have to go to other drastic measures beyond just leaving such as Restraining Orders, shelter home, move out of state, or even totally change your identity?
I had a restraining order against him but it didn’t matter b/c he would violate it every night. He would stand in front of my building and wait for me to come home at night. He threatened to kill me and even to commit suicide, I simply told him to stop talking about it and do it already but to leave me the hell alone. He would sit in front of my door and cry night after night. Hoping I would feel sorry for him. He was a real stalker. With time he realized I was serious and left me alone. I would still get the occasional phone call, even years later, of him drunk and crying. Eventually I changed my number and haven’t heard from him since. Good Riddance.
5. HOW DID YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS REACT?
They were so happy. I can’t put into words the relief and joy they felt. They knew about the abuse and tried to help so many times but realized that it was something I had to do for myself. Nothing they said or did mattered. I stood in the relationship until I was ready to leave. Those were the hardest years of my life. I’m so glad they are gone.

[Blondee178]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

^^ Thank you. It been almost 6 months since I left him... I feel a bit stronger every day, but at the same time I struggle with it every day as well... not the fact that I left him; that's the best decision I've ever made. But I struggle with the emotional side of things. The hurt from being treated so poorly. The blows my self esteem took. I kills me knowing I gave him the power to break me.

OMG...I've been out of my relationship for 5 years now and I'm still dealing with it. This Mariah Carey song captures everything I feel...

I was a girl, you was a man
I was too young to understand
I was naïve, I just believed
Everything that you told me
Said you were strong, protecting me
Then I found out that you were weak
Keepin' me there, under your thumb
'cause you were scared that I'd become much
More than you could handle,
Shining like a chandelier
That decorated every room inside
The private hell we built,
And I dealt with it
Like a kid I wished I could fly away

But instead, I kept my tears inside
'cause I knew if I started I'd keep crying
For the rest of my life with you
I finally built up the strength to walk away
Don't regret it but I still live with the side effects

[Chorus:]
Waking up scared some nights still dreaming 'bout them violent times?
Still little protective 'bout the people that I let inside
Still little defensive thinkin' 'bout me tryin' to run my life
Still little depressed inside, I fake a smile and deal with the side effects (oh, oh)
Side effects (oh, oh)
Side effects (oh, oh)
Side effects (oh, oh)

Vacant inside, no one was there
Couldn't be real, had to keep quiet
Once in awhile, put up a fight
It's just too much, night after night
After awhile I would just lie,
You was dead wrong, said you was right
Did what I could, just to survive
Couldn't believe this was my life,
Flickering like a candle
Doin’ my best to handle sleeping with the enemy
Aware that he was smothering every last part of me
So I broke away and finally found the strength to leave

Still kept the tears inside
'cause I knew if I started I'd keep crying
For the rest of my life with you
I finally built up the strength to walk away
Don't regret it but I still live with the side effects

[JNSS]

This makes me wanna cry. Thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of strength to leave.

[Blondee178]

PurseAddict79: You gained back control and that's all that matters. You will be a stronger woman because of it.

I on the other hand became a real b*tch. I dealt with so much at such a young age that it really took it's toll on me. I became really defensive when it came to men. One example: If my bf asked me to call him when I got home, my first reaction was that he was trying to control me and monitor my every move, so i refused to do it, eventhough he just wanted to make sure i arrived safely. Etc...

It's messed up but i used to think...Karma is a bitch but i already paid in advance so now it's my time to collect. It was that mentality that almost cost me the best man I ever met.

[Blondee178]

Originally Posted by JNSS

This makes me wanna cry. Thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of strength to leave.

The sad thing is that leaving is only half the battle. We are still dealing with the effects of it long after it's over. But I'm so glad to hear other's stories and their ability to walk away from it. IT means they now believe they deserve better. Which we all do.

[PurseAddict79]

Originally Posted by Blondee178

It's messed up but i used to think...Karma is a bitch but i already paid in advance so now it's my time to collect. It was that mentality that almost cost me the best man I ever met.

That's what I am struggling with right now. My insecurities are driving us both insane. He doesn't get mad, but gets frustrated. I know there are days that I push him away... and it's not intentional, nor is it anything I can really, truly control. He knows that and he's been patient thus far... but everyone has their breaking point.

I'm in therapy... sometimes I feel like it's helping, other times not so much.

My ex never complimented me, and when he checked out girls they were always a size 0... so that was my goal. Now he's gone, but that goal isn't.

My lovely, loving dbf tells me I'm beautiful all the time... and I have myself convinced he's saying it because he's trying to convince himself, not because he believes it. I've lost about 13lb in the last 3wks because of a combination of my ED and some medical stuff I'm going through, and he keeps making comments about how I'm getting too thin. He doesn't like skinny girls... and yet I'm still obsessed with becoming one. (for the record, I'm NOT thin... I'm a size 8...)

The worst thing... the other day we got in a bit of an argument; nothing major, just a disagreement. He went to hug me, and I flinched. Natural reaction. I *know* he'd never hit me... but I flinched. He was so hurt... and I felt terrible. Again, he understands but hates that he's continually paying for someone else's mistakes.

[Blondee178]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

That's what I am struggling with right now. My insecurities are driving us both insane. He doesn't get mad, but gets frustrated. I know there are days that I push him away... and it's not intentional, nor is it anything I can really, truly control. He knows that and he's been patient thus far... but everyone has their breaking point. I'm in therapy... sometimes I feel like it's helping, other times not so much. My ex never complimented me, and when he checked out girls they were always a size 0... so that was my goal. Now he's gone, but that goal isn't. My lovely, loving dbf tells me I'm beautiful all the time... and I have myself convinced he's saying it because he's trying to convince himself, not because he believes it. I've lost about 13lb in the last 3wks because of a combination of my ED and some medical stuff I'm going through, and he keeps making comments about how I'm getting too thin. He doesn't like skinny girls... and yet I'm still obsessed with becoming one. (for the record, I'm NOT thin... I'm a size 8...) The worst thing... the other day we got in a bit of an argument; nothing major, just a disagreement. He went to hug me, and I flinched. Natural reaction. I *know* he'd never hit me... but I flinched. He was so hurt... and I felt terrible. Again, he understands but hates that he's continually paying for someone else's mistakes.

I'm glad you are in therapy. It helps to talk about it.

I can understand the insecurities b/c I felt them too. My ex told me i was ugly so much that I believed him. Then I met someone who believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. I took a step back and realized that if I could get a man like him, I must be doing something right. Out of all the woman in the world...he chose me. From that moment I tried to see what he saw. When I had doubts, I let him guide me. He was a strong man. Exactly what i needed to at such a crucial time. Whenever my insecurities started to get the best of me, he stopped me. Told me I was beautiful, to never compare myself to anyone else b/c i'm on another level. N I believed him.

I'm not saying my confidence depends on a man but at the time, it was exactly what i needed. Now, I think I'm overly confident, even with the extra lbs. LOL.

So don't be so hard on yourself. Everything takes time. From what i've read, u seem to have a wonderful man who loves u. Obviously, u landed him at your size, which means he had to like what he saw.