Stuck???

[ghall]

So I've been a member for a while now... and I've had an issue for a while now.. When I try to talk to my mom and sister about it, they kind of laugh it off, and don't take me seriously. So i desperately need some advice.

This is a long story so bare with me please.

I"m 26 years old. Married. Mother of 3. I am SOOO unhappy in my marriage. I have been for a while. I feel no love what-so-ever toward my husband, except for the fact he's the father of my children. I feel like we're roommates, I kind of love him like a brother. I met him when i was 17, was pregnant 3 months later, got married a year later, and now it's been nearly 8 years of marriage, and we have an 18 month old little boy.
I'm a stay at home mom.
we only have sex maybe once a month if that. and when we do- i don't enjoy it at all. i feel kind of repulsed by it, because like i said, i love him like a brother. I'm not attracted to him.
I think between 17 and 26 and 3 kids i've grown tremendously. I realized we have nothing in common and we want completely different things in life. I haven't talked to him about this because i know he'll just freak out.
So I don't know what to do. If i had my own money, I would move out, but i don't. My family lives in southern california, so i can't just leave and take the kids away from him. and my mom and dad have a 3 bedroom place, but my sister and her daughter live there. There's no where for me to go.
When i tell my family about this, they say i need to stay with him for the kids. but to be honest, that's what my parents did, and they were/are miserable. i dont' want to be miserable forever. i know i'd be happier on my own. i know that even though my kids would be sad at first, they'd know true happiness if they saw me truely happy. I'm not leaving for anyone else. i haven't met anyone else.
But i am feeling like i will always be stuck.. in this marriage.. in this life.. unhappy...
what do i do? What can i do?

[Jill]

Marriage is about communication,without it,u have nothing.
U NEED to tell your hubby how u feel and maybe u guys can work on your marriage?
I do feel that your kids come first as well...especially when u have nowhere else to go.U dont want to end up even worse off so think VERY carefully before u make a major decision.I think after8 yrs...u owe it to BOTH of u to try at least to work out your differences.
U were VERY young when u got married so i can see where u grew apart as u grew up.
its hard to say but i would at least talk it out before making a huge life changing decision....remember that your decision WILL affect your children hugely..its ALOT to think about.....and alot of factors come into play as well.
Maybe if u decide to eventually leave,u should try to work on getting a decent job first or putting money aside...KWIM?
GL....i hope it all works out for u all!

[ahertz]

Hugs. It's hard when there's no one to talk to and I'm sorry your sister and mom haven't been more supportive.

I recommend you see a counselor and I think you should take your husband. Maybe it won't work out, but you owe it to your children and family to at least try.

[domlee]

I'm sorry that you feel you are stuck. I can't tell you what to do, other than to do soul searching within yourself, and know that all actions (whether you decide on a divorce or not) will have their pros/cons.

Good luck w/ your decision.

[juneping]

i am sorry what you are going thru.

may be try talk to your DH first before any major step..
i am not saying there's anything going on...but for a guy in his 20s to have sex once a month is bit strange...were you ever attracted to him? may be finding that feeling again??
GL!!

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by Jill

Marriage is about communication,without it,u have nothing. U NEED to tell your hubby how u feel and maybe u guys can work on your marriage? I do feel that your kids come first as well...especially when u have nowhere else to go.U dont want to end up even worse off so think VERY carefully before u make a major decision.I think after8 yrs...u owe it to BOTH of u to try at least to work out your differences. U were VERY young when u got married so i can see where u grew apart as u grew up. its hard to say but i would at least talk it out before making a huge life changing decision....remember that your decision WILL affect your children hugely..its ALOT to think about.....and alot of factors come into play as well. Maybe if u decide to eventually leave,u should try to work on getting a decent job first or putting money aside...KWIM? GL....i hope it all works out for u all!

What Jill said.

What you need to realize too is even if you guys met and got married when you were 30 guess what? you never stop growing and changing. the trick is to grow and change together. I guarantee you, even if you do leave and meet someone else down the line, the infatuation stage is going to dim again. Sparks, fireworks, lust, all that brings people together. It's not what keeps people together. As you mature, you will learn that. Trouble is, some people never do and are constantly chasing that rainbow of feeling all goopy all the time. Its just not realistic. Perhaps you two can go away together (take the kids to your folks or his folks) and rediscover one another. Find the bf of your youth and remember what got you all googly over him in the first place.
Don't give up just yet and regret it later. Do all you can now and if doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Thats just life.
Good luck to you.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by Jill

Marriage is about communication,without it,u have nothing. U NEED to tell your hubby how u feel and maybe u guys can work on your marriage? I do feel that your kids come first as well...especially when u have nowhere else to go.U dont want to end up even worse off so think VERY carefully before u make a major decision.I think after8 yrs...u owe it to BOTH of u to try at least to work out your differences. U were VERY young when u got married so i can see where u grew apart as u grew up. its hard to say but i would at least talk it out before making a huge life changing decision....remember that your decision WILL affect your children hugely..its ALOT to think about.....and alot of factors come into play as well. Maybe if u decide to eventually leave,u should try to work on getting a decent job first or putting money aside...KWIM? GL....i hope it all works out for u all!

Agreed. Good luck OP everyone deserves happiness.

[talexs]

Sorry OP that you are going through this. I definitely agree with other posters, you have to tell your husband. Do you think that while his initial reaction will not be pleasant there is any way he would then see your side and try to work on the marriage, or more importantly do you want to work on it or do you feel like it's a lost cause? As others have said you are so young and have many, many choices. You deserve to be very happy and I am sorry that right now life is going the way you would like it to. GL.

[Aslan]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

What Jill said. What you need to realize too is even if you guys met and got married when you were 30 guess what? you never stop growing and changing. the trick is to grow and change together. I guarantee you, even if you do leave and meet someone else down the line, the infatuation stage is going to dim again. Sparks, fireworks, lust, all that brings people together. It's not what keeps people together. As you mature, you will learn that. Trouble is, some people never do and are constantly chasing that rainbow of feeling all goopy all the time. Its just not realistic. Perhaps you two can go away together (take the kids to your folks or his folks) and rediscover one another. Find the bf of your youth and remember what got you all googly over him in the first place. Don't give up just yet and regret it later. Do all you can now and if doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. Thats just life. Good luck to you.

Thanks, bagnshoo! I wanted to say this, but I didn't want to sound like I was being insensitive to the OP. I hope you are able to work through this, ghall.

[ghall]

Thanks for your advice everyone.
I am not wanting to leave him because i am in search of someone else. i just want to be happy. on my own. (with my kids of course) i just know that i'm not happy where i am. and i truely beleive i never will be. I don't feel that i am trying to chase any rainbows or goopy feelings. i am pursuing happiness. for myself.

Juneping- My husband will be 30 in a couple of weeks. and sex once a month is not because of him- it's because of me. and the only reason it's once a month is because he gets so frustrated and angry that i feel bad and give in and have sex with him.

i definately have a lot of thinking to do. and of course i've been looking hard for work and a job. i know i can make any decisions until i can support myself and my children.

[sarasmith3269]

were you ever attracted romantically to him, or did you get married because you thought is was the "right thing to do?" if you were attracted/in love with him, when did you start falling out of love?

do you feel like if he could just do this or that, or go back to the way it used to be things could/would be better? or do you still really really love him so much as a person, but are just coming to grips with the fact that as wonderful as he is, he's not the right one of you?

[ghall]

i was romantically in love with him until a few years ago... right before i found out i was pregnant with my second child, i found out he was cheating on me.. for sure with at least one girl he met online. i confronted him- and he still denies it to this day. but the girl knew way too many intimate details about him and my daughter and my home. and since then i haven't felt the same. i haven't kissed him (like passionately /open mouthed) for at least 3 years. he used to treat me really badly. not abusive. but he was never very considerate of me always did what he wanted when he wanted not caring about what i wanted or needed. he's change a bit since then. he's more considerate. talks to me more about plans and what not. but i just don't care. i like it more now when he's gone. and when i'm gone- i don't miss him. i don't want him to do anything. i've come to grips that he is the way he is, he'll never change. i'll never change. and as great of a father he is- he is not the right one for me ... like i'd be better off alone. happier alone.

[juneping]

oh now it makes sense. i would say seeing a therapist or couple counseling to find out what the problem is.....

[Hessefan]

I disagreed with most of the other posters, and now that you said he cheated on you I do even more. I am all for working on a relationship, but if you feel repulsed by him and don't trust him enough to speak to him, then there seems no hope of a reconciliation. You also don't sound like a naive person chasing rainbows or butterflies in your stomach.
It sounds like one of the main problems is your dependency, and that may also be why you are unhappy with him. Are you trained in anything? Did you get any qualifications, college, anything like that? Because with three kids you will need a good job to live comfortably, so the most important thing is for you to get trained in something. While you are still supported by your husband, do you think you could find something you like to do, then get an internship, even if it is unpaid? That would get you out of the house, you'd meet new people, make friends, and right away be happier I think. If you then still want to leave after a few months, you can start looking for a job in that field and tell your husband you are unhappy. I think right now you have no leg to stand on, because if you tell him you are unhappy and want to leave, and he is not understanding, it might turn worse and you may not have a chance to look for a job or undergo any training.
I am not saying you should use him and go behind his back, but having been out fo the workforce is a) a bad prerequisite for finding a job, and b) possibly one of the contributing factors of you feeling stuck and unhappy.

[legsieloveslamb]

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. It is a very difficult thing to come to when you realize that you are unhappy and that nothing can really change that. I can understand where you are coming from, not from direct personal experience, but some of it I can relate to. You say he's treating you better now- for how long has he been doing that? Some people do change for the better and for the long-run. Others though only change for a short time and then revert right back to "old ways/habits". I think his cheating on you is the issue that drove you to where you are right now. Does your husband know this?