[Bagluvluv]

I know it but she doesnt....this is her story and I really need your help!

Brenda has 3 kids, is relatively happily married...well, so we thought. She seemed that way to us until recently. Her husband is a nagging, negative, nightmare!!! She has hidden this form us for the most part...but I think she needs help, but she doesnt!!!!!!!

The things her husband does seems really unhealthy and maliciously geared toward making her feel bad! She has told me that he complains about everything!!! First because she was cleaning the house all wrong, or working for pennies. Then when they became financially stable...when he gets in the mood, complains about every little thing that she does wrong. He hates her spending money....he always tells her to do better for herself and tells her of his friends wives who are doing so well financially. His family's women, as it turns out, financially helps the husbands out alot!!! Then he says little mean things to her infront of ppl, especially around his family. One time she told me that he told her that "she grew up all wrong and learned nothing about life" WTF???

Now the clincher is that he is also very mean to their 2 year old dog! A mini schnauzer...he is alittle bit of a pain but he keeps buggin the dog whenever I see him! Its little things but because I see it often now, I feel like he has some built up issues...he once yelled at the dog and the dog did nothing at all. When I asked him what the dog had done, because he was really upset, he tells me that the dog keeps disrespecting him...what????

Ok...so whats wrong with Brenda? Does she not see this as a real problem?! She actually keeps telling me that he is stressed....I dont get it.... Isnt it surprising what you DONT know about ppl close to you???

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

I know it but she doesnt....this is her story and I really need your help!

Brenda has 3 kids, is relatively happily married...well, so we thought. She seemed that way to us until recently. Her husband is a nagging, negative, nightmare!!! She has hidden this form us for the most part...but I think she needs help, but she doesnt!!!!!!!

The things her husband does seems really unhealthy and maliciously geared toward making her feel bad! She has told me that he complains about everything!!! First because she was cleaning the house all wrong, or working for pennies. Then when they became financially stable...when he gets in the mood, complains about every little thing that she does wrong. He hates her spending money....he always tells her to do better for herself and tells her of his friends wives who are doing so well financially. His family's women, as it turns out, financially helps the husbands out alot!!! Then he says little mean things to her infront of ppl, especially around his family. One time she told me that he told her that "she grew up all wrong and learned nothing about life" WTF???

Now the clincher is that he is also very mean to their 2 year old dog! A mini schnauzer...he is alittle bit of a pain but he keeps buggin the dog whenever I see him! Its little things but because I see it often now, I feel like he has some built up issues...he once yelled at the dog and the dog did nothing at all. When I asked him what the dog had done, because he was really upset, he tells me that the dog keeps disrespecting him...what????

Ok...so whats wrong with Brenda? Does she not see this as a real problem?! She actually keeps telling me that he is stressed....I dont get it.... Isnt it surprising what you DONT know about ppl close to you???

well im going through a rough time in my life and not one single person in my life that i can run to knows everything. i feel scared and hurt. i dont want to bother people with my troubles and stress them out. keep the stress to myself. maybe theres something more to her story, and shes not ready to share yet. thats how i am in my case, and although no one knows really what is going on, i have the support of my tPF friends. and although i know i have their support and love, im still scared and not ready to share. perhaps she feels the same way. maybe you can just tell her she doesnt have to spill the beans but that you just want to be there for her. kind words always add a little brightness to my day when i feel like the world has forgotten about me. best of luck to brenda.

[Bagluvluv]

I had to add...

My friends have told me something too...that they notice that he is such a nicer person outside compared to how he is inside the house, with her. This they know because, they run into him in certain resturants and he comes over and offers to pay for their food and spends time asking them how they are. Soo much nicer than he is to his wife, and his demeaner is very different than what they witness with our friend there....this is sad...much worse than I thought....maybe he is unhappy with her?? I always thought that he was having a bad day or something....sick!!!!

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

well im going through a rough time in my life and not one single person in my life that i can run to knows everything. i feel scared and hurt. i dont want to bother people with my troubles and stress them out. keep the stress to myself. maybe theres something more to her story, and shes not ready to share yet. thats how i am in my case, and although no one knows really what is going on, i have the support of my tPF friends. and although i know i have their support and love, im still scared and not ready to share. perhaps she feels the same way. maybe you can just tell her she doesnt have to spill the beans but that you just want to be there for her. kind words always add a little brightness to my day when i feel like the world has forgotten about me. best of luck to brenda.

I want you to be different than Brenda...please share what you can with whom you can...we all need help and a person to share their perspectives..which can help us out in certain situations....dont feel lonely....dont be like Brenda...

My heart goes out to you...pm me if you want to talk....

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

I had to add...

My friends have told me something too...that they notice that he is such a nicer person outside compared to how he is inside the house, with her. This they know because, they run into him in certain resturants and he comes over and offers to pay for their food and spends time asking them how they are. Soo much nicer than he is to his wife, and his demeaner is very different than what they witness with our friend there....this is sad...much worse than I thought....maybe he is unhappy with her?? I always thought that he was having a bad day or something....sick!!!!

maybe he had a rough childhood. maybe he's doing a reflection on his his parents relationship was. maybe his dad treated him mom this way and thats what he remembers what love is. its sad, but true. my ex was an a-hole to me, but his dad was also a meanie to his mom. so he mimicked his dads behavior because thats all he knew. it doesnt justify the behavior, and i dont condone it at all. (hence, hes my EX) just a thought though on why he's acting all weird??

some guys do have split personalities inside and outside the house. even with different social setting/groups.

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

I want you to be different than Brenda...please share what you can with whom you can...we all need help and a person to share their perspectives..which can help us out in certain situations....dont feel lonely....dont be like Brenda...

My heart goes out to you...pm me if you want to talk....

Thank you, but I'm doing better little by little every single day. It's not that my DF is mean to me like Brenda's husband. I mean yah this issue started because of an argument, but it's more of a personal battle I'm having a hard time with. (DF is in NO WAY like Brenda's husband. He is the sweetest guy ever!! And would never dare treat me like Brenda. He respects me!!) And that's the issue that I'm having a problem sharing with and coping it. But I'm slooowly doing it. Many tPFers are helping me through PMs. I am ever so grateful.

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

maybe he had a rough childhood. maybe he's doing a reflection on his his parents relationship was. maybe his dad treated him mom this way and thats what he remembers what love is. its sad, but true. my ex was an a-hole to me, but his dad was also a meanie to his mom. so he mimicked his dads behavior because thats all he knew. it doesnt justify the behavior, and i dont condone it at all. (hence, hes my EX) just a thought though on why he's acting all weird??

some guys do have split personalities inside and outside the house. even with different social setting/groups.

Yes...you might be right....he did tell me something to that nature before. I just didnt pay that much attention to it...I cant really recall exactly but I heard him say that he was unhappy at a certain time in his life...still....no excuse to take it out on anyone else...he is a jerk!

Im scared for Brenda, I really am...doesnt this sound like he can be violent? Isnt emotional abuse linked to physical? I hate him!!!!

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

Yes...you might be right....he did tell me something to that nature before. I just didnt pay that much attention to it...I cant really recall exactly but I heard him say that he was unhappy at a certain time in his life...still....no excuse to take it out on anyone else...he is a jerk!

Im scared for Brenda, I really am...doesnt this sound like he can be violent? Isnt emotional abuse linked to physical? I hate him!!!!

yes, emotional abuse is a form of abuse. and yes he may be violent. have you see any marks on her?? has her behavior changed at all?? or her clothing?? what does she say when he acts out? does she provide an excuse to try to make him sound like a good guy??

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

Thank you, but I'm doing better little by little every single day. It's not that my DF is mean to me like Brenda's husband. I mean yah this issue started because of an argument, but it's more of a personal battle I'm having a hard time with. (DF is in NO WAY like Brenda's husband. He is the sweetest guy ever!! And would never dare treat me like Brenda. He respects me!!) And that's the issue that I'm having a problem sharing with and coping it. But I'm slooowly doing it. Many tPFers are helping me through PMs. I am ever so grateful.

Im so glad that you are feeling better. Relationships are so hard!!!!!

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

Im so glad that you are feeling better. Relationships are so hard!!!!!

Yes they are. But love is a powerful thing. It can concur (almost) all things, however it can also blind you like no other.

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

yes, emotional abuse is a form of abuse. and yes he may be violent. have you see any marks on her?? has her behavior changed at all?? or her clothing?? what does she say when he acts out? does she provide an excuse to try to make him sound like a good guy??

I dont think physically anything is going on...alot of ppl go in and out of their home on a regualr basis so I dont think so....actually I doubt it.

But he does make excuses for his behavior alot, kind of blames her and makes it seem like she is just a mess. When in reality, she does so much for him and helped him financially too. I feel that he is using her to make himself look good, that I really feel from him. Because Brenda is actually looked up to by alot of our friends. The reason why I am sooo surprised!!!

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

I dont think physically anything is going on...alot of ppl go in and out of their home on a regualr basis so I dont think so....actually I doubt it.

But he does make excuses for his behavior alot, kind of blames her and makes it seem like she is just a mess. When in reality, she does so much for him and helped him financially too. I feel that he is using her to make himself look good, that I really feel from him. Because Brenda is actually looked up to by alot of our friends. The reason why I am sooo surprised!!!

You, Brenda, and her husband share the same circle of friends?

And hitting can be done in closed doors and night in the room. My aunt (through marriage because she's my step mom's sister) got beat so many times even when we were home!! It ended when my Uncle (her husband) blew her head through the bedroom wall and her head poked out to the living room where we were (i was 4 years old.) she was sooo embarressed we'd seen it (although we heard it a lot) she ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and chased him.. my mom came through the house door just in time to save the day.

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

You, Brenda, and her husband share the same circle of friends?

And hitting can be done in closed doors and night in the room. My aunt (through marriage because she's my step mom's sister) got beat so many times even when we were home!! It ended when my Uncle (her husband) blew her head through the bedroom wall and her head poked out to the living room where we were (i was 4 years old.) she was sooo embarressed we'd seen it (although we heard it a lot) she ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and chased him.. my mom came through the house door just in time to save the day.

OMG!!! That's horrible!!! How is your aunt now??


Not really the same circle...its like he came to know us through Brenda and we became pretty close at one time. Not so much anymore with him because he doesnt come out with us like he used to when they first got married. But all our friends have gone to their house, had dinner...went out sometimes. And we know that they have alot of family who are close to them, visits often. She is always saying that someone is over at their house when I talk to her over the phone.

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

Originally Posted by Bagluvluv

OMG!!! That's horrible!!! How is your aunt now??


Not really the same circle...its like he came to know us through Brenda and we became pretty close at one time. Not so much anymore with him because he doesnt come out with us like he used to when they first got married. But all our friends have gone to their house, had dinner...went out sometimes. And we know that they have alot of family who are close to them, visits often. She is always saying that someone is over at their house when I talk to her over the phone.

My Aunt and Uncle divorced. She has moved on to a new husband and her new husband has been good to her and her 2 children she had with her first husband. In addition she and her new husband have a child together. She is very happy.

Uncle has remarried and had taken on his wife and her two kids and I believe they have children of their own now. Rumors came and it's said he abuses his new wife as well.

Are there any guys in this group of friends?? Maybe next time you all hang out and he does something bad or embarrassing to Brenda when the girls go off to do their own thing a guy can go over to him and casually talk over a beer like, "Whoa bro! What's up with you and Brenda?? You two okay??" Ya know?? It's not attacking, and it'll seem like the guy is on his side so maybe he'll open up??

[Bagluvluv]

Originally Posted by oo0ehxtahcee0oo

My Aunt and Uncle divorced. She has moved on to a new husband and her new husband has been good to her and her 2 children she had with her first husband. In addition she and her new husband have a child together. She is very happy.

Uncle has remarried and had taken on his wife and her two kids and I believe they have children of their own now. Rumors came and it's said he abuses his new wife as well.

Are there any guys in this group of friends?? Maybe next time you all hang out and he does something bad or embarrassing to Brenda when the girls go off to do their own thing a guy can go over to him and casually talk over a beer like, "Whoa bro! What's up with you and Brenda?? You two okay??" Ya know?? It's not attacking, and it'll seem like the guy is on his side so maybe he'll open up??

Wow...so he hasnt changed....

A guy's perspectives would be a great thing...I wonder if we can somehow arrange that....but all the guys between our group arent close at all. Some hubby's dont even come out...just one or two...and he is one of them, thats how we know him well. I dont see how she can go on like this for long....