So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long)

simmmchen · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:07 AM

*sigh*

Here goes my story: Mark (fake name) and I were only a couple for 6 months, but it was a very intense relationship. We had lived together for 3 months, when I had to go back to Germany (Mark and I were together while I lived in the US). We planned to stay together. You see, we were both familiar with long distance relationships and although we didn't want one again, there was really no choice for us: we were the perfect match! And with us being a bit of outcasts this doesn't happen very often.

So anyway. I went back to Germany, my home country, and we were both miserable. We both didn't cope well and I cried sometimes when we were on the phone, which made him more miserable, of course. 6 weeks after I moved back to Germany, he dumped me. He said he loved me like crazy, but he cannot function like this, us being apart, but still in a relationship. He couldn't sleep, eat, work, go to school. He was really miserable. There was no changing his mind. (Believe me, I tried. I actually booked a flight for the next day to try and save the relationship, but...)

Anyway, he tried to be friends. He would send me messages or we would chat. It drove me insane... I just couldn't do it, so I cut all ties. I blocked him on IM, facebook, deleted all phone numbers, ect. I never talked to him again. Until......

Fast forward almost 2 years... He tries to get in touch with me... sends me text messages, has other people write to me on facebook, so he could see my profile (because I had blocked him). So I think WTH and we started talking on the phone. He really wanted to talk to me and see how I was doing. He wants to come visit me in Germany and asks when I will have time. He calls me every week, sometimes more than once, and we always talk for 1-3 hrs. We tell each other how we missed each other and how we both tried to be positive about finding someone else, only to realize that what we had will be hard/impossible to top, or even come close to.

So we have these conversations over a couple of months and now I am planning a trip to the US. I always said to my friends, I want him to come and visit me first, as I do not want to be the one chasing after him again. BUT... I just cannot go to the US and not see him. I was so pumped in the last months and really got my hopes up that there will be a *happily ever after* for us after all... since we have already established that there does not seem to be a better match for us out there.

So I called him today and pushy me... I had to ask him if we will be just friends or more than that when I come visit. And he.... says.... just friends.

I feel like he has been leading me on all this time. He was a little commitment-phobic when we were together 2 years back... sooo... I don't know if it's just that or if he really just wanted to be friends with me after all this time.

I just feel like I got dumped by him all over again

. I feel so stupid... and mad... and sad... ugh... It took me a very long time to get over this guy and now I am right back where I started when he dumped me the first time around. (I know I have not been dumped this time technically, it just really feels like it.)

I know shouldn't have let myself dream about a happy end with this guy, but I couldn't help it. We're just such a good match

... I don't know why he keeps playing these games with me. I think he is the type that wants to stay close friends with his exes, but he must have noticed that all the stuff we said on the phone was way beyond *just friends*?!

I am just so sad right now... I hope I can pick myself up yet again and I hope it won't take as much time to get over this disappointment as the last time. I just feel so weak right now.

Jill · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:19 AM

UGH.MEN SUCK!!!!
LOL!
Im so sorry...Ive been in similiar shoes and I have to say its best for u to REALLY cut all ties..DO NOT go visit him and DO NOT answer his calls..letters...He sounds like he is confused and kinda playing mind games.Its NOT healthy and I think deep down...u probably know it.
I know first hand how hard it is to stay away from someone u think u really love....but in reality,its what is best in the long run.
HTH!
Good luck and u dont need him to have a happy valentines day..Go out with a friend and forget him!!!!

elizat · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:27 AM

I'm sorry about this. It's a tough spot. I agree about no contact. It will just make it harder and probably create more issues with how he acts/speaks vs. his intentions. You are not stupid. You were following your heart and your feelings. It's hard to realize too, but if all this went on, you likely were not the best match too, you know? I think a lot of us have been there. You want it to work and feel it really could, but something is off- timing, the person, ect. I'd try to focus on positive things that make you happy to help you feel more "normal" a bit quicker. There is someone else out there that is better for you and won't play games!

jellybebe · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:37 AM

Stupid men... not knowing a good thing until it's gone! I think that if the two of you broke up, it was for a reason and you don't deserve to be treated like a toy! Hugs to you, get pampered and hang out with your girls!

simmmchen · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:40 AM

Thank you for your comments, Jill and elizat!

Yes, I do know he is playing mind games... but... I guess I keep making up excuses for him. How do I stop myself from doing this? ugh!

So you both think I should cut all ties again... you're probably right. I will think about that. I definitely need to start concentrating on ME again, instead of an US that might never even happen again!

simmmchen · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jellybebe

Stupid men... not knowing a good thing until it's gone! I think that if the two of you broke up, it was for a reason and you don't deserve to be treated like a toy! Hugs to you, get pampered and hang out with your girls!

haha, thanks for saying Stupid men for me :))

I need to tell myself over and over and over again that we broke up for a reason. On one hand he treated me very very well, on the other hand... he treated me horribly sometimes! I need to try to remember that. How do the good memories always overshadow the bad ones?

I'd love to go and hang out with my girl friends, but it's exam time (this couldn't have come at a better time... but I guess it's never a good time for things like this).

Thanks for the hugs! They made me feel a bit better!

Jill · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:54 AM

^I know how u feel...I never could understand how we ONLY remember the amazing times even when the crappy times outnumbered the good ones..LOL...Strange,Isnt it?
Concentrate on your exams,throw yourself into studying and when u r done..Go out and treat yourself to a girls night out!
HUGS!

priiin · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:34 AM

^Agree with Jill..that is the best thing for you to do right now. Good luck honey and hope you feel better about this soon! Lots of hugs to you!

LemonDrop · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:01 PM

Wow! You have to take care of yourself! Focus on how smart you are and not on how much of a commitment phobe he is! You must have had a sense something wasn't quite right because you asked him if you were going to be more than friends? You got your answer and you didn't go running across the globe for a guy who didn't have the same intentions that you have. It is ok that you felt different than he did when talking on the phone, and that you had high hopes and that you believed the stuff he was saying (which like you said was more than friendly) .

What you should focus on is that you were smart enough and respected yourself enough to ask him some important questions. You don't like his answer and you don't plan to chase him all over the freaking globe. Good for you!

Try not to think of it as you have been dumped again. try to think of it as you are a woman who is going to make smart decisions. YOU don't like his answer therefore YOU chose not to go to visit him!

gillianna · Feb 15th, 2008, 12:11 PM

Move on and have no contact. You can remember the past and make it seem like there were great times and dream happily ever after will happen but reality is that it will not. At least with him it won't. Don't waste your time crying over him and pass up opportunities to meet decent guys. I mean in 5 years do you still want to be stuck with his games????? You know in your heart that it will not work out but you don't want to give up the dream. It also sounds like you may need to work on your self confidence. You come across as very intelligent and you need to realize that you are better than him and deserve better too.
HUGS. Realize you are the one in control. You are the one that can decide NOT to answer his calls, emails and anything else. He does not have the power over you. You have your own mind and are able to make decisions that will help you grow not keep you stuck in the past.
I would NOT visit him no matter what.

simmmchen · Feb 15th, 2008, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LemonDrop

Wow! You have to take care of yourself! Focus on how smart you are and not on how much of a commitment phobe he is! You must have had a sense something wasn't quite right because you asked him if you were going to be more than friends? You got your answer and you didn't go running across the globe for a guy who didn't have the same intentions that you have. It is ok that you felt different than he did when talking on the phone, and that you had high hopes and that you believed the stuff he was saying (which like you said was more than friendly) .

What you should focus on is that you were smart enough and respected yourself enough to ask him some important questions. You don't like his answer and you don't plan to chase him all over the freaking globe. Good for you!

Try not to think of it as you have been dumped again. try to think of it as you are a woman who is going to make smart decisions. YOU don't like his answer therefore YOU chose not to go to visit him!

Thank you for your reply LemonDrop!
What you said (esp what I have bolded) really makes me feel much better about myself. Before I read this, I really felt silly and pushy for asking him if we'll be more than friends, but you are right! It was not silly, it was smart! I do not plan on visiting him anymore, no matter what he says! (He still wants me to come btw)

If he makes the effort to call me, I will tell him he was leading me on and that I feel like it was egocentric on his part. Then I will cut ties again. If he doesn't make the effort to call, I will just ignore him. I have much nicer friends to visit in the US anyway

simmmchen · Feb 15th, 2008, 01:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillianna

Move on and have no contact. You can remember the past and make it seem like there were great times and dream happily ever after will happen but reality is that it will not. At least with him it won't. Don't waste your time crying over him and pass up opportunities to meet decent guys. I mean in 5 years do you still want to be stuck with his games????? You know in your heart that it will not work out but you don't want to give up the dream. It also sounds like you may need to work on your self confidence. You come across as very intelligent and you need to realize that you are better than him and deserve better too.
HUGS. Realize you are the one in control. You are the one that can decide NOT to answer his calls, emails and anything else. He does not have the power over you. You have your own mind and are able to make decisions that will help you grow not keep you stuck in the past.
I would NOT visit him no matter what.

Thank you for your kind words gillianna! I do have a tendency to keep myself stuck in the past. I really need to work on that. It always happens to me!

@all
Thank you for all of your replies! I guess I knew some of the stuff deep down inside (that we apparently are NOT meant to end up with each other, that I need to move on and cut ties, and that he is playing mind games), but I really needed the pep talk! Thank you

Now I just need to keep repeating the stuff to myself in my head, so I stop romanticizing what Mark and I had. Wish me luck

atrinioman · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:14 PM

Okay. So here goes. *Deep breath*:
You're dumping too much on this guy at once. 2 years have passed! You might have both changed. What is wrong with coming, enjoying yourself, seeing if the connection is really still there in person and then going forward from there? Have you ever explicitly stated to him during your 1-3 hour calls "I want to reconcile and take up where we left off"?
And why do you have to automatically be back in a relationship with him? REEELLLLAAAXXXX.
Guys don't think they way we do. He went to all this trouble to get in touch with you, spends all this money on long-distance charges, so I highly doubt he is just looking for some overseas bootycall. Stop trying to put a label on what it is and where it is going so fast. Did you start off as "just friends" initially? Could it be he's just falling back into the pattern that you too had the first time around?

Sorry if that seems harsh or callous. I'm just trying to give another viewpoint for you to mull over

phebe · Feb 15th, 2008, 02:18 PM

I totally agree with gillianna. i know what you feel cause i've passed through a similar situation. He'll never stop to look for you and to do his stupid stupid stupid mind games to see if you're still there for him. you are the only one who can take care of you. Not him. Don't expect him to be correct with you and your feelings. cut every contact, if he'd really want to see you and to stay with you, he'd be with you now (didn't you book a flight to try to fix things with him? Well you've done everything in your possibilities, is its tour now). It's too easy to say nice things and make promises at the phone.
Please take care of you, good luck, and lot of hughs

keya · Feb 15th, 2008, 03:59 PM

I agree with everyone, a NCP (no contact policy) makes things soo much easier. *hugs* men are stupid.

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:07 AM	#1
simmmchen Member Location: Germany	So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) sigh Here goes my story: Mark (fake name) and I were only a couple for 6 months, but it was a very intense relationship. We had lived together for 3 months, when I had to go back to Germany (Mark and I were together while I lived in the US). We planned to stay together. You see, we were both familiar with long distance relationships and although we didn't want one again, there was really no choice for us: we were the perfect match! And with us being a bit of outcasts this doesn't happen very often. So anyway. I went back to Germany, my home country, and we were both miserable. We both didn't cope well and I cried sometimes when we were on the phone, which made him more miserable, of course. 6 weeks after I moved back to Germany, he dumped me. He said he loved me like crazy, but he cannot function like this, us being apart, but still in a relationship. He couldn't sleep, eat, work, go to school. He was really miserable. There was no changing his mind. (Believe me, I tried. I actually booked a flight for the next day to try and save the relationship, but...) Anyway, he tried to be friends. He would send me messages or we would chat. It drove me insane... I just couldn't do it, so I cut all ties. I blocked him on IM, facebook, deleted all phone numbers, ect. I never talked to him again. Until...... Fast forward almost 2 years... He tries to get in touch with me... sends me text messages, has other people write to me on facebook, so he could see my profile (because I had blocked him). So I think WTH and we started talking on the phone. He really wanted to talk to me and see how I was doing. He wants to come visit me in Germany and asks when I will have time. He calls me every week, sometimes more than once, and we always talk for 1-3 hrs. We tell each other how we missed each other and how we both tried to be positive about finding someone else, only to realize that what we had will be hard/impossible to top, or even come close to. So we have these conversations over a couple of months and now I am planning a trip to the US. I always said to my friends, I want him to come and visit me first, as I do not want to be the one chasing after him again. BUT... I just cannot go to the US and not see him. I was so pumped in the last months and really got my hopes up that there will be a happily ever after for us after all... since we have already established that there does not seem to be a better match for us out there. So I called him today and pushy me... I had to ask him if we will be just friends or more than that when I come visit. And he.... says.... just friends. I feel like he has been leading me on all this time. He was a little commitment-phobic when we were together 2 years back... sooo... I don't know if it's just that or if he really just wanted to be friends with me after all this time. I just feel like I got dumped by him all over again . I feel so stupid... and mad... and sad... ugh... It took me a very long time to get over this guy and now I am right back where I started when he dumped me the first time around. (I know I have not been dumped this time technically, it just really feels like it.) I know shouldn't have let myself dream about a happy end with this guy, but I couldn't help it. We're just such a good match ... I don't know why he keeps playing these games with me. I think he is the type that wants to stay close friends with his exes, but he must have noticed that all the stuff we said on the phone was way beyond just friends?! I am just so sad right now... I hope I can pick myself up yet again and I hope it won't take as much time to get over this disappointment as the last time. I just feel so weak right now. Last edited by simmmchen; Feb 15th, 2008 at 12:33 AM.

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:27 AM	#3
elizat Member	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) I'm sorry about this. It's a tough spot. I agree about no contact. It will just make it harder and probably create more issues with how he acts/speaks vs. his intentions. You are not stupid. You were following your heart and your feelings. It's hard to realize too, but if all this went on, you likely were not the best match too, you know? I think a lot of us have been there. You want it to work and feel it really could, but something is off- timing, the person, ect. I'd try to focus on positive things that make you happy to help you feel more "normal" a bit quicker. There is someone else out there that is better for you and won't play games!

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:37 AM	#4
jellybebe Back to school! Location: Canada	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) Stupid men... not knowing a good thing until it's gone! I think that if the two of you broke up, it was for a reason and you don't deserve to be treated like a toy! Hugs to you, get pampered and hang out with your girls! __________________ Wish List: LV Farandole bracelet (WL) LV pink scuba pochette (WL) white Balenciaga City with GGH (?) Prada E/W Gauffre

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:40 AM	#5
simmmchen Member Location: Germany	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) Thank you for your comments, Jill and elizat! Yes, I do know he is playing mind games... but... I guess I keep making up excuses for him. How do I stop myself from doing this? ugh! So you both think I should cut all ties again... you're probably right. I will think about that. I definitely need to start concentrating on ME again, instead of an US that might never even happen again!

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:34 AM	#8
priiin Member	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) ^Agree with Jill..that is the best thing for you to do right now. Good luck honey and hope you feel better about this soon! Lots of hugs to you! __________________

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:19 AM	#2
Jill	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) UGH.MEN SUCK!!!! LOL! Im so sorry...Ive been in similiar shoes and I have to say its best for u to REALLY cut all ties..DO NOT go visit him and DO NOT answer his calls..letters...He sounds like he is confused and kinda playing mind games.Its NOT healthy and I think deep down...u probably know it. I know first hand how hard it is to stay away from someone u think u really love....but in reality,its what is best in the long run. HTH! Good luck and u dont need him to have a happy valentines day..Go out with a friend and forget him!!!!

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:54 AM	#7
Jill	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) ^I know how u feel...I never could understand how we ONLY remember the amazing times even when the crappy times outnumbered the good ones..LOL...Strange,Isnt it? Concentrate on your exams,throw yourself into studying and when u r done..Go out and treat yourself to a girls night out! HUGS!

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:01 PM	#9
LemonDrop Addicted!	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) Wow! You have to take care of yourself! Focus on how smart you are and not on how much of a commitment phobe he is! You must have had a sense something wasn't quite right because you asked him if you were going to be more than friends? You got your answer and you didn't go running across the globe for a guy who didn't have the same intentions that you have. It is ok that you felt different than he did when talking on the phone, and that you had high hopes and that you believed the stuff he was saying (which like you said was more than friendly) . What you should focus on is that you were smart enough and respected yourself enough to ask him some important questions. You don't like his answer and you don't plan to chase him all over the freaking globe. Good for you! Try not to think of it as you have been dumped again. try to think of it as you are a woman who is going to make smart decisions. YOU don't like his answer therefore YOU chose not to go to visit him! __________________ tPF ~ The Big Sister I always wanted

Feb 15th, 2008, 12:11 PM	#10
gillianna Member	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) Move on and have no contact. You can remember the past and make it seem like there were great times and dream happily ever after will happen but reality is that it will not. At least with him it won't. Don't waste your time crying over him and pass up opportunities to meet decent guys. I mean in 5 years do you still want to be stuck with his games????? You know in your heart that it will not work out but you don't want to give up the dream. It also sounds like you may need to work on your self confidence. You come across as very intelligent and you need to realize that you are better than him and deserve better too. HUGS. Realize you are the one in control. You are the one that can decide NOT to answer his calls, emails and anything else. He does not have the power over you. You have your own mind and are able to make decisions that will help you grow not keep you stuck in the past. I would NOT visit him no matter what.

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:14 PM	#13
atrinioman Member	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) Okay. So here goes. Deep breath: You're dumping too much on this guy at once. 2 years have passed! You might have both changed. What is wrong with coming, enjoying yourself, seeing if the connection is really still there in person and then going forward from there? Have you ever explicitly stated to him during your 1-3 hour calls "I want to reconcile and take up where we left off"? And why do you have to automatically be back in a relationship with him? REEELLLLAAAXXXX. Guys don't think they way we do. He went to all this trouble to get in touch with you, spends all this money on long-distance charges, so I highly doubt he is just looking for some overseas bootycall. Stop trying to put a label on what it is and where it is going so fast. Did you start off as "just friends" initially? Could it be he's just falling back into the pattern that you too had the first time around? Sorry if that seems harsh or callous. I'm just trying to give another viewpoint for you to mull over

Feb 15th, 2008, 02:18 PM	#14
phebe Member Location: Roma	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) I totally agree with gillianna. i know what you feel cause i've passed through a similar situation. He'll never stop to look for you and to do his stupid stupid stupid mind games to see if you're still there for him. you are the only one who can take care of you. Not him. Don't expect him to be correct with you and your feelings. cut every contact, if he'd really want to see you and to stay with you, he'd be with you now (didn't you book a flight to try to fix things with him? Well you've done everything in your possibilities, is its tour now). It's too easy to say nice things and make promises at the phone. Please take care of you, good luck, and lot of hughs

Feb 15th, 2008, 03:59 PM	#15
keya Member	Re: So my ex just dumped me all over again... on V-Day... (long) I agree with everyone, a NCP (no contact policy) makes things soo much easier. hugs men are stupid.