[D1M3C]

I am in a sticky situation that I can't quite figure out what to do to make things better. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have already done the living together ordeal and such. I recently moved home with my mother after my father passed away, telling him that my mother really needed me home (though there was also that I could no longer stand living with him). The dilemma lies in whether or not this relationship is meant to be. For a while, I was extremely happy and we fought very rarely (only about silly things). After living together and discussing a future together I realized a lot of things about him that I never would have. We disagree on so many things that are very important to me. We disagree on the age to be married, when to have kids & what to name them (I like to plan ahead with some ideas, he shoots them down), where to live, what type of job I should have, where to vacation (I'm a lake/mountain kinda girl & he likes the ocean w/ no boat!). I know some of those are menial things that can be sacrificed by one of us, but most have meaning to me that cannot be. Lately, I have been very VERY unhappy, not just with him but with life though I think my unhappiness with him carries over to the rest of my life. He knows that I am unhappy and tells me he loves me often, though I cannot bring myself to say it back to him anymore. He's not there to talk to, our conversations are boring and dull. When I'm upset he doesn't ask why or try to help. He was there with me at the hospital when my father died, but I didn't look to him for comfort and since then have received no support from him in that aspect.

Knowing that our future has a slim chance of keeping us together causes me to question whether the present time is worth it at all. I'm wondering if a "break" is a good idea or just a complete break up?!? I really have no idea. I love his family and was happy at one and always wonder maybe that'll come back, but the other side of me says there's no way. When I think of my "ideal man" he no longer fits those characteristics, or for that matter, any of them! What am I to do? How do I find happiness again? Relationships have never really gone well with me, my first long one was abusive (sexually, emotionally, and slightly physically) and from then on I have had a hard time opening up.

[artjen]

Have you thought about going to a counselor together, or individually?

[lovinalotofbags]

You two need to put everything on the table about what you want out of this relationship. Some things you guys can compromise on. If you guys argue over little things, that is not a good sign. But sit and talk anyway. Tell him you two need time to do this. Then you will know what you need to do.

[boxermom]

If in the early stages (2 years is early to me) you are disagreeing on so much, how likely is it that this relationship has a good future? Frankly it sounds like you don't want it to continue and it's just a matter of when to end it. Couples don't have to agree on everything (it would be pretty dull if they did) but these sound like very basic differences.

Only you and he can decide where this goes, but you sound unhappy and discouraged. Your relationship should lift you up, not drag you down.

Best wishes.

[sailornep5]

Originally Posted by boxermom

If in the early stages (2 years is early to me) you are disagreeing on so much, how likely is it that this relationship has a good future? Frankly it sounds like you don't want it to continue and it's just a matter of when to end it. Couples don't have to agree on everything (it would be pretty dull if they did) but these sound like very basic differences.

Only you and he can decide where this goes, but you sound unhappy and discouraged. Your relationship should lift you up, not drag you down.

Best wishes.

Great advice!

[D1M3C]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm still unsure how to handle it. I feel like I owe the relationship a little longer to mend itself, but at the same time, I doubt it will mend itself. I'm just living life for me right now, that's the most important part.

[maddog]

Do you have a plan for how to mend the relationship? Relationships don't magically mend on their own, you need to work on them. So either you want to work on it or you don't. It sounds like you don't, in which case, it's best to just end it. You don't owe anyone anything due to a long relationship, but you do owe him the truth and not waste his time by keeping him in the dark.

Look at it this way, you know the full truth of your feelings and uncertainty and you can make your decisions based on that, whether to leave or go, and that's great. Is it not only fair that he's allowed to make his own decisions for his life based on that truth also? If he knows your feelings and decides to stay, that's his problem. If he stays with you while not knowing the truth, that's on you.

TBH, some of your issues are kinda too big to sacrifice, especially if you don't have feelings anymore. They are all big enough issues that will cause resentment, and since that's already bubbling on your side at least, and you seem very negative about the relationship already, there's no real point in waiting for something to happen on its own so everything will fall into place.

[jello_1955]

I could no longer stand living with him.

I think that says it all. Go with your instincts; I think you know deep down that you aren't happy. Don't force something that isn't there. I have a friend who married someone she didn't fully love and after two kids, intermingled finances I can see in her face her unhappiness.

I would also agree with the other poster that you may wish to see a counselor to help you resolve your other issues.

[Schmodi]

I went through something like this 2 years ago with my BF. I moved out and we took 6 weeks apart and we're both miserable. We got back together and things have been great since.

A break might not be a bad idea.

[helium]

Mmm...

I wouldn't stay. A miserable relationship is not a good relationship, and you're already arguing about 'small' things like age to get married. What happens if you do get married? You might start arguing about the bigger things and it would be more miserable.

But really, if you can no longer stand being with him, then it's a clear indication that you don't even love him anymore.

[mjlover1977]

hey hon - firstly, big hugs for you. its an awful feeling ... where you all of a sudden what you assumed to be your future isnt so anymore. But you need to be true to yourself. If you are really questioning the relationship, thats prob not a great sign.
I also think Boxermom's post was spot on. Hope you are okay and sorry about your dad too.

[VPT]

If you both disagree on so many things it means you both are not right for each other. I doubt seeing a counselor will help since both have different views and not communication problems.