Sister has ended our relationship (long,sorry)

[boxermom]

There was a thread about distancing from a sibling, but this is a case where my sister has cut off contact with me. I'm baffled and hurt beyond belief that she has decided I have made too many mistakes in our relationship and it has to end--her words.

We were so close, so I thought--traveled together, spoke and visited often. We have no one else left in our family--no other sibs and our parents have been gone a long time.

She listed all the ways I have hurt her, including me not calling a relative who she fought with to tell this other person that my sister was "right" (I wasn't present at the fight and it had nothing to do with me). In addition she was mad that one of her step-daughters came here for a short visit instead of seeing them; there are other things but they make no sense to me and would take a page to describe.

I've written letters to her apologizing for saying or doing things in a way that she found hurtful and said that I love her. After no contact for 9 months, she send a note accusing me of the same old, same old and "it has to end". In general she is fairly intolerant, holds grudges, and doesn't forgive easily.

Would you just leave it at this point or would you try again to contact her and explain things again (for about the 4th time)? I honestly have examined everything and don't think my transgressions are so terrible that I've destroyed our relationship. I'm so sad and puzzled. The mom in me wants to fix this.

Thanks for any insight.

[BagAngel]

Aw Boxermom, I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. Knowing you as I do you don't deserve it & are such a kind & caring person.
Your sister obviously has issues that she is projecting on to you. The old adage that you always hurt the one that you love is very true.
My guess is that people have hurt her that she doesn't feel able to challenge so you have become the punching bag!
I would suggest maybe giving her time to cool off & hopefully come to terms with what is really bothering her! This will be hard for you to do as I know that you love her & want to make it right but try to sit back & wait for now! In due course she will realise that you are not the big bad wolf here!
Perhaps just contact her, tell her that you love her & will always be there for her when she is ready & wish her all the best. Other than that there is little that you can do until that time, hard though it may be.
{{{{Hugs}}}

[juneping]

i am sorry to hear that.
if i were you, i'd send her another note and let her know i'd be there for her whenever she needs it. sounds like she's very angry right now and she's taking it out on you.
feel better

[dallas]

You poor love.

I would leave things as they are for now. I know you're hurt, but try to keep your heart open and give her some time.
I'm wondering, could there be more to this, some issues with her health perhaps?

[Irishgal]

Pat, I have known you here since 2006, you have been nothing but nice to me (calendar/little "thinking of you" item)..
My guess is that there is something going on with your sister, maybe depression, maybe other things, and she is simply not right at this time, and feel the need to act out and be sort of hateful to you. I really doubt that it was something you did, or did not do, that just does not make sense.
Sometimes people will cut themselves off from people they love because they are so miserable they cannot tolerate being around anyone who is nice to them. While that does not sound rational, often the human psyche is not rational.

Can we be your temporary sisters?

[PurseFanatic]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but honestly I'm at this point with my brother. It's hard as hell to track him down through work or cell, he NEVER returns calls, he lives 4 states away in a tiny podunk town making $9 an hour, I found him a job here in my city for $12 but it wasn't in his "chosen field".

He never comes to visit and it is like talking to a brick wall.

I'm so sick of trying with him I am ready to cut him out of my life. and the sad thing is we have no family, only our dad, left.

But I'm tired of trying and him just not caring.

It may not be anything you did, but maybe she just needs a break from alot of things that seem to be centered around you.

[LemonDrop]

I might send her a simple note saying, "I understand that I hurt you. It was not intentional and if you decide to give me another chance I am here. I love you."

If she is acting irrational then your rational will make no sense to her and might just make her more irrate. If she is going to come around it will be in her own time. When she is thinking straight.

good luck

[Bella]

I'm sorry boxermom.. can I give you a hug? I really don't know what advice to give. There just shouldn't be anything, if not catastrophic, that family can't work through. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[risingsun]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Pat. I know you to be a kind, generous and giving person. I'm shocked that your sister is treating you this way. I don't think you need to keep apologizing for whatever your sister has chosen to deem as "offending" behavior. At some point, you may want to write about your feelings of loss to your sister and see if she is able to connect with this. Other than that, I don't think there is much you can do, at this time. You can't fix what your sister has broken. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your truly do not deserve this!!

[BittyMonkey]

The thing that crosses my mind is that sometimes people do this because they enjoy the constant chasing around by the other person to find out what's wrong. It gives them a self-esteem boost when the other person comes begging for the relationship.

I know it hurts a lot, and it's hard to tell what's going on with your sister. None of those things you listed are worth terminating a relationship for. So it's either an internal problem she needs to work out for herself, or she's attention-seeking.

Don't give her the attention, and perhaps she'll figure it out faster. If not, at least you're not begging for love -- the worst feeling ever.

[exotikittenx]

Originally Posted by BittyMonkey

The thing that crosses my mind is that sometimes people do this because they enjoy the constant chasing around by the other person to find out what's wrong. It gives them a self-esteem boost when the other person comes begging for the relationship. I know it hurts a lot, and it's hard to tell what's going on with your sister. None of those things you listed are worth terminating a relationship for. So it's either an internal problem she needs to work out for herself, or she's attention-seeking. Don't give her the attention, and perhaps she'll figure it out faster. If not, at least you're not begging for love -- the worst feeling ever.

:( I'm so sorry this happened to you. Those things you listed describing what she finds unforgivable seem like nothing to even get a little bit upset over. It seems like something unusual about her train of thought. I honestly don't know what advice to offer to you, other than just to apologize for things you unintentionally did that upset her, but I don't know how much good that would do, seeing that she was irrationally upset at you in the first place. If that's the pattern, it is probably going to happen again in the future, too. It seems like she needs some kind of intervention herself, or maybe to talk to someone professional about why these things would make her upset. I wouldn't keep chasing her, though. You already apologized, so leave it at that and give her some time to hopefully return to her senses. I agree with what the poster above said, because these things sound completely irrational to be angry about, and there are other causes behind it that have nothing to do with you, but unfortunately you are the one being hurt here. I'm very sorry and hope it works out somehow.

[envyme]

Just sit back, be patient, and observe. You have done all that you can do to rectify the situation. I have a feeling that she is going through something that is beyond you. Do you mind saying how old she is and if she lives alone?

Originally Posted by boxermom

There was a thread about distancing from a sibling, but this is a case where my sister has cut off contact with me. I'm baffled and hurt beyond belief that she has decided I have made too many mistakes in our relationship and it has to end--her words. We were so close, so I thought--traveled together, spoke and visited often. We have no one else left in our family--no other sibs and our parents have been gone a long time. She listed all the ways I have hurt her, including me not calling a relative who she fought with to tell this other person that my sister was "right" (I wasn't present at the fight and it had nothing to do with me). In addition she was mad that one of her step-daughters came here for a short visit instead of seeing them; there are other things but they make no sense to me and would take a page to describe. I've written letters to her apologizing for saying or doing things in a way that she found hurtful and said that I love her. After no contact for 9 months, she send a note accusing me of the same old, same old and "it has to end". In general she is fairly intolerant, holds grudges, and doesn't forgive easily. Would you just leave it at this point or would you try again to contact her and explain things again (for about the 4th time)? I honestly have examined everything and don't think my transgressions are so terrible that I've destroyed our relationship. I'm so sad and puzzled. The mom in me wants to fix this. Thanks for any insight.

[boxermom]

envyme, she is 61 and married. As far as alone, she has immediate family but few or no friends that I know of.

Thank you all for your insight--you brought up some possibilities that didn't occur to me, probably 'cause I'm too close to it.

I see the general consensus is to be patient, not one of my stronger qualities. You all give me strength, and I respect your advice more than I can say. Thank you so much.

Irishgal, you all absolutely can be my temporary or forever sisters! There is so much wisdom and love here as well as a kick in the rear when we need it :-)

[boomie]

Time heals all wounds. My sister and I had a huge falling out...nasty emails, you name it. Now, we're closer than ever, even though we're 20 hours away from each other. I don't know what made things turn around...time, and we both had to learn to let things go, like your sister needs to! Life is too short to dwell on some things, and family is family. I have no patience either, and at the time, I couldn't have cared less that my sister hated me. Now, things are so different!

I hope this all works out for you in the end!

[ProfNot]

My aunt had a friend where something like this happened.

Friend's brother got meaner and nastier to her over the years until she finally had to break off all contact.

Bunch of years later brother got brain cancer. Turns out the tumor was putting pressure on a certain part of the brain that made him crazy mean to everyone. He got the tumor out but the damage to that part of the brain was done and he never got nice again.

Interesting thing my aunt told me: her friend was finally able to forgive him because his being mean wasn't his fault.

This type of tumor ONLY happens in men - it's passed down father to son.

So don't worry about your sister's health.


HUGS to you and snaps for trying and trying and trying to work things out. Hope there is a happy change in store for you both.