Single girlfriends distancing themselves after marriage?

[ashmi99]

I just got married at the end of August. Before that, I lived with my now-husband for 5 years. I have 3 extremely close girlfriends of mine whom I have known since college (age 18, and we are now 28). 2 were my MOH's and the other, a bridesmaid. Since college, honestly, all 3 have basically been single (I don't count a couple of flings they had.)

Before I was married, I felt like the 4 of us still hung out a lot. We are so close, we will all email each other throughout the work days. I live in the suburbs and they live in the city. We'd meet up for quick dinners after work, or I would go out with them sometimes on the weekends.

Well, since I have been married, I feel like they are distancing themselves from me. For instance, I'll invite them over for dinner, and they will just tell me they don't feel like "making the drive" (which is about 35 minutes from downtown Seattle, mind you.) Or they will just say they are going to go out and do something by themselves! Anyways, I don't know if I'm being too sensitive... I will go ahead and go out with them sometimes, but they like going to happy hours and going out a lot, when I a) don't want to spend money because we are saving up for a house and b) don't really want to be away from my husband and dog. (Lame, I know.)

Oh, and the best part is, the other day, I asked my friend who has been seeing a guy pretty regularly for about a month if they were going to be talking about being exclusive soon, and I got my head bit off by the other girls and was told "just because they're single doesn't mean they need to be in a serious relationship and get married." Yikes.

Just wondering if any of you have experienced this? It's been hard for me... I didn't think much would change after I was married, since I was living with my fiance' before. I didn't get these "bad vibes" from my single friends.

[juneping]

oh sorry...wish you were my friend.
i am on the opposite end...i am single and all my married friends just glue to their DHs...it's hard for us to meet...they hardly call me back.....

i think being late 20s might add some pressure to them...they will come around...

[bagnshoofetish]

maybe they want to cruise guys when they go out and know you won't be doing that with them, hence, they go out without you? I can understand that. I have a couple of friends now who ARE married and don't ask me to go to clubs with them because they like to flirt with guys (both are in not-so-happy marriages) and I don't (I'm one of those weirdos who honors my vows! ) Now if they don't even want you around to go out for a cup of coffee, I don't know. I would just come out and ask them if I were you.

[aklein]

You did say that you would rather stay home with your hubby and dog. Maybe they think that you don't want to hang out with them as much now that you are married.
But I agree with Shoo. You are all adults, go a head and ask.

[flashy.stems]

i haven't experienced this as i'm not married yet.. but i can see why this is happening.
i agree with shoo, as well, ask! talk! communicate!

[jennalovesbags]

I'm the opposite.... single with two single girlfriends and two married ones. We were all roommates in college. Four of us in NY, one married one out of state. The three of us single gals see each other for a weekend every 6wks or so and its fantastic. We never see the married ladies though. They do married couple things and have married couple friends.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by ashmi99

Well, since I have been married, I feel like they are distancing themselves from me. For instance, I'll invite them over for dinner, and they will just tell me they don't feel like "making the drive" (which is about 35 minutes from downtown Seattle, mind you.) Or they will just say they are going to go out and do something by themselves! Anyways, I don't know if I'm being too sensitive... I will go ahead and go out with them sometimes, but they like going to happy hours and going out a lot, when I a) don't want to spend money because we are saving up for a house and b) don't really want to be away from my husband and dog. (Lame, I know.)

Im really not sure why you are having a problem with their behaviour considering the points I bolded. Maybe they can feel you would rather be home anyway?


Also, your life and priorities changed, theirs havent. They could/should be more considerate, drive up to see you, but thats life, circumstances change and unfortunately some friends come and go...maybe its time to find new ones.

[vhdos]

This all sounds perfectly normal to me. People grow and change and friends drift apart. Typically, I would suggest putting in more effort if you want to encourage the friendships, but I don't think that going out for happy Hours with single friends is very conducive to a successful marriage. Perhaps it's time to spend time with friends who share the same values, goals, interests, etc.? Which is not to say that you need to end your existing friendships, just roll with the changes.

[nooch]

It definitely sounds like the pulling away is happening on both sides to me.

[lovinalotofbags]

I was married and my best awesome friend was single. I would never distance myself from my awesome friend. After 20 years, we are still best friends. Unconditional friends. Yours seem to come with conditions you are just finding out about.

[vhdos]

Originally Posted by lovinalotofbags

I was married and my best awesome friend was single. I would never distance myself from my awesome friend. After 20 years, we are still best friends. Unconditional friends. Yours seem to come with conditions you are just finding out about.

Yes, but as Nooch said, it seems to be coming from BOTH sides. The OP mentioned that she goes out sometimes, but would rather stay home. I'm guessing that her friends sense that and are possibly hurt by it.

[vuittonamour]

omg for a second i thought this was my best friend posting who i don't know if she knows about this forum...lol she was just telling me the other day how a couple of her friends have seemed to distance themselves since she got married in september (they were bridesmaids too...) and then i open up the post and see your avatar and you have a dog that looks exactly like hers...lol too weird. okay i will read now, just had to say that. lol.

[jenniferelaine]

Interesting.....I, for one, am married & value all of my friends, the singles & the other marrieds. I don't think marrieds need to stick with marrieds & singles with singles. Just like I have friends with children too( & I don't). Each of my friends add something different & special into my life. However, not everyone (single or married) feels that way.

Other than that, the main thought that came to mind was that you now represent what they want. You get plenty of women who'll say, 'I don't care about getting married, I don't need anyone, blah, blah', but I don't believe it for a second. I personally think EVERYONE wants someone to love them. Some want it on paper, some will take it in a just relationship, there is all different kinds of love. But until you got married, even though you lived with your husband, you were still one of THEM. Until you said I DO, you were still single. Late 20s is hard for single women & no one wants to be left behind. Honestly, I think being around you just simply might be a reminder of what they don't have. Someone to go home to. Of course, I could be way off base but I've had girlfriends who've wanted babies SO badly they couldn't be around women with children, so it could be the same theory.....

[lovinalotofbags]

That is right, it goes both ways. If you want to keep your friendships, then invest in them and not complain. Relationships take work from both sides whether it is friends, marriages, or what have you.

[Bella]

Originally Posted by aklein

You did say that you would rather stay home with your hubby and dog. Maybe they think that you don't want to hang out with them as much now that you are married. .

This is a good point. I can relate to this. My best girlfriend for many years.. I used to get pretty irked (I was younger) that she would only want to get together on the one day of the weekend her husband was working, but I got over it. I understood she wanted to be with him on the other day, but often thought to myself once in a blue moon it would be nice if she called and wanted to get together not just because he wasn't around.. at least that's how I looked at it at the time. Also, for the most part, going over to hang out with both of them wasn't something I wanted to do the majority of the time. I wanted to visit with my girlfriend.