sick of having the same argument over and over! (long)

[youngandclassy]

where do i begin..... ive posted here before about problems with my current SO and found the responses to be better than my friends biased opinions.

let me just start off by saying that me and my SO get along great when were not fighting. we laugh alot and genuinely have a good time together most of the time. im finding now that the more we argue the more frustrated we both get and im afraid that one day either he or I will just get sick of arguing and want to end things.

ok so what do we argue about? his lack of affection and lack of effort

my SO isnt the most affoctionate guy, which is ok but there are some days where i just feel like being cuddled. Sometimes if i try and cuddle with him he will pull away and its frustrating. i dont try very often so when i try and get him to put his arm around me and he pulls away i often get ticked because how hard is it to put your arm around someone? he mentioned the other night that hes not as affectionate anymore because hes in a very confined space all day at work (on a lift at a construction site) and when he gets home he likes his "alone time" to just chill out and have some space to himself. i get home from work 3 hours after he does so i figure thats plents of time to have your "alone time." anyways he will sometimes put his arm around me while walking down the street or whatever but i hate the feeling of being pushed away. also he tells me he loves me every day but sometimes i wish he would go deeper than that... and say something more meaningfull. i know the words "i love you" are very meaningfull but sometimes i with he would say something like "i love you so much because...(insert cute cheesy comment here)

the other thing we fight about is him not making that much of an effort around the house. i make dinner most of the time. which is ok. but i also clean up after dinner dishes etc... most of the time. if i ask him to do the dishes he says "ya sure in a bit" but a "bit" to him can mean 3 days. we share a house with another couple so i dont like leaving dishes around for 3 days which means i just end up doing them myself. also,sinse he gets home 3 hours before me i figure thats plenty of time to have his "space" and to maybe make dinner occasionally *gasp* or fold the laundry thats all over the couch. 95% of the time when i get home from work hes done absulutly nothing around the house. i understand that construction is hard work but how hard is it to wash a few pots and to tidy up a bit?? sometimes after a week or so of coming home and finding that hes done nothing to help me out i start to get pissy and we get into a fight. he thanks me for dinner everytime i cook, and sometimes he will help me by "manning the grill" but it would make me to happy is he were to make everything himself occasionally.

we argue on about once every 2 weeks. im usually in tears and contemplating weather or not to leave him. i know i can be a bit dramatic at times but sometimes a girl just wants to feel loved and appreciated. i tell him over and over again how i feel and he thinks im just "picking him appart" what he doesnt understand is that im trying to come up with a solution to our problems, not trying to tell him hes a bad boyfriend. i get so mad because i tell him what the problem is and he will say something like "well what do you want me to do about it?" like HELLO i tell you exactly what you can do but its like he thinks im trying to boss him around or something. after an argument he will agree to help me out more and to try and be a little more affectionate towards me but if i dont notice a change almost right away i get frustrated again. he says i should just calm down and stop overanalyzing everything, that he loves me and wants to be with me, even if he doesnt feel like holding hands all the time (apparently i should just know how much he loves me without him having to show me.) i really dont think im asking for that much.

dont get me wrong i love my SO very much and i know he loves me but sometimes i just want more out of him.

anyone else been in this situation? i really am sick of talking/arguing about it and so is he i just want to wake up one morning and for everything to be perfect (unrealistic i know)

[gina2328]

Have you considered moving out into your own place? I think you have done everything possible, you have talked about your feelings endlessly but he is not willing to change. You are either going to have to live with his lack of affection and accept that or you would need to make a change. I would have a big problem with initiating affection with my SO and being pushed away. Your right, he has a lot of time to decompress after work. My SO has never done that to me. I would grow resentful of being treated that way.

Also, it is a frequent problem of chores, one party does not do their half. Do you have a dishwasher? How about asking him to cook and you clean up, and see how he likes that arrangement for a change. Cooking seems to be a lot more work, IMO. I have this problem with my SO so we have not resolved it so I can't be much help there.
We tried making up a list of weekly chores and dividing them and checking them off but did not stick to that for long.

As far as him saying I love you, I think that alone is good enough, I would be happy with that, and would not need an additional reason. I would be happy hearing that every day.

[exotikittenx]

I think this guy doesn't see how lucky he is to have you. I think it is very sad that he pulls away from you, and won't help you with the shared house responsibilities.

Is there other stuff he does around the house on a daily basis for the two of you? Maybe if you divide the chores and set times when they need to be done (since he doesn't do the dishes on the same day--gross!). I don't blame you for being upset.

I think you should find a serious time to talk about these things... and not when you are pissy, because then emotions start to get in the way. Discuss it when neither of you is upset and can think more rationally. Tell him how much it means for you to have more affection and for him to pitch in with the chores.

Also, sometimes it's hard for guys to express emotions, so saying I love you BECAUSE might be a bit much to ask, because guys typically are not as expressive as women. So if he simply says I love you, then he really means that. I don't think you are unreasonable about asking for some affection though, because pulling away is very hurtful.


I agree with the above poster about moving into your own place, though. If he isn't able to help out with SIMPLE chores, and continues to push away and is inconsiderate about your feelings, then I think it's time to move out until he comes to his senses and PROVES to you that he can do these simple things (for a permanent change, and not just a short-lived one that will die out in time... ie. doing the dishes for a week then going back to old habits). Cooking is a LOT of work, and cleaning up is not fun at all, especially if you've worked all day, too.


One more thing I want to add-- if he can't "get it," then he may not be the guy for you, unfortunately. I think it would be very hard to be happy with someone who pushes you away and doesn't feel the need to help you at all with house responsibilities that he reaps the benefits of. I would be very resentful of that myself.

[exotikittenx]

Okay, I'm back LOL. I just took a look at your other threads, and this guy does NOT seem like a good guy at all. He would take off and not come home until 5am??? He really needs to grow up. He sounds like he's full of excuses, and there will always be an excuse. He needs to man up.

Sometimes, in relationships, part of the time can be great, but the other times should NOT be horrible. They should be manageable. This guy does not sound like he is very willing to cooperate and work through things with you. I really think you should try dating someone else. So sorry OP, but you deserve better. He's shown you who he really is, and people don't change THAT MUCH. I really think you should leave and don't look back. There are WAY better guys out there for you.

[gina2328]

I remember that thread now from July. He wasn't coming home, he was out drinking and not calling, no cell phone. The consensus was for the OP to move out. OP, has he changed at all? My advice would be for you to move out and move on.

[sillykitty]

OP, you're going to have to make the decision for yourself if you can handle his behavior long term. He is not going to change. So as I see it your choice is either to accept him as he is, and stop fighting about the chores and the affection, or decide to move on. For me there is a tipping point when there is more bad than good in a realtionship and it needs to end.

[youngandclassy]

Originally Posted by gina2328

I remember that thread now from July. He wasn't coming home, he was out drinking and not calling, no cell phone. The consensus was for the OP to move out. OP, has he changed at all? My advice would be for you to move out and move on.

yes we did go through a very rough patch in the summer when he wouldn't come home until all hours of the night without calling. what happened was, i packed most of my stuff into boxes and booked a flight to my hometown for a week to "think about things" i believe it really got to him because he apologized profusely and said he realized that he tends to take me for granted when we see each other every day. (he said all this before he seen all my stuff packed and before he knew about my plan to go home) i believe he meant it because he hasn't dont it sinse. if it was still going on after all that i wouldnt still be here but now if hes going out he always tells me where he will be and when he will be back.

i see that now as a problem of the past.

[youngandclassy]

Originally Posted by exotikittenx

I think this guy doesn't see how lucky he is to have you. I think it is very sad that he pulls away from you, and won't help you with the shared house responsibilities. Is there other stuff he does around the house on a daily basis for the two of you? Maybe if you divide the chores and set times when they need to be done (since he doesn't do the dishes on the same day--gross!). I don't blame you for being upset. I think you should find a serious time to talk about these things... and not when you are pissy, because then emotions start to get in the way. Discuss it when neither of you is upset and can think more rationally. Tell him how much it means for you to have more affection and for him to pitch in with the chores. Also, sometimes it's hard for guys to express emotions, so saying I love you BECAUSE might be a bit much to ask, because guys typically are not as expressive as women. So if he simply says I love you, then he really means that. I don't think you are unreasonable about asking for some affection though, because pulling away is very hurtful. I agree with the above poster about moving into your own place, though. If he isn't able to help out with SIMPLE chores, and continues to push away and is inconsiderate about your feelings, then I think it's time to move out until he comes to his senses and PROVES to you that he can do these simple things (for a permanent change, and not just a short-lived one that will die out in time... ie. doing the dishes for a week then going back to old habits). Cooking is a LOT of work, and cleaning up is not fun at all, especially if you've worked all day, too. One more thing I want to add-- if he can't "get it," then he may not be the guy for you, unfortunately. I think it would be very hard to be happy with someone who pushes you away and doesn't feel the need to help you at all with house responsibilities that he reaps the benefits of. I would be very resentful of that myself.

yes i agree sometimes he doesn't know how lucky he is to have me. i was talking to my friend about the subject and she thinks he just "doesnt know how to have a girlfriend" im the longest relationship hes ever had, his longest before me was less than a year :S hes 25 and i truley beleive that he just doesnt know how t treat a girlfriend sometimes. i beleive hes coming along slowly but i guess i just have to decide if im willing to put up with this for now.

[youngandclassy]

it seems like he has days (occasionally) where hes super sweet surprising me with little gifts and being loving/affectionate, then other days where hes just like a robot. i just wish we could find a happy medium

[karmenzsofia]

If you're sick of being unhappy with him and the relationship, then it's up to you to leave.

[exotikittenx]

Originally Posted by youngandclassy

yes we did go through a very rough patch in the summer when he wouldn't come home until all hours of the night without calling. what happened was, i packed most of my stuff into boxes and booked a flight to my hometown for a week to "think about things" i believe it really got to him because he apologized profusely and said he realized that he tends to take me for granted when we see each other every day. (he said all this before he seen all my stuff packed and before he knew about my plan to go home) i believe he meant it because he hasn't dont it sinse. if it was still going on after all that i wouldnt still be here but now if hes going out he always tells me where he will be and when he will be back. i see that now as a problem of the past.

I think it's more than a "rough patch" if he was out for all hours of the night. I've gone through rough patches before, but they didn't involve a total lack of respect for the other person. You said that was a problem of the past, but clearly he hasn't changed his attitude.

The thing that worries me is you'll decide to leave, he'll apologize profusely again and say he'll change, and it might be nice for a little while, but then he'll go right back to the way he was before. You can take our advice or leave it, but he is not a good guy. A good man would not behave that way. Just because you have some moments of happiness with him does not excuse the other moments where he behaves like a child. A good relationship means you can still have arguments while showing love and respect one another. He doesn't seem to change, even though you made it clear his behavior hurts you and he doesn't help out around the house. I would urge you to leave him for good and see what else you can find. My "worst" boyfriend did not behave that way to me ever.

[aklein]

OP -- I took a look through some of your other threads. It seems like this problem has been going on since the two of you started dating less than a year ago. There have been 4 threads posted since the start of the year with very similar underlying problems.
In pretty much every thread, the posters give you the same advice. Perhaps you should go back and re-read their advice.
IMO, it is way too soon to be having these kinds of problems in a relationship. It's the same thing over and over again. He isn't willilng to change. You have called him out on his behavior. It seems like things get better for a month or so and then it's another post about the same problem. I hate to sound harsh, but really I don't know what else the members of the forum can tell you that they haven't already at this point.
From an outsider's perspective, it seems that this issue has been there since the start of your relationship. And yes, I consider three months into a relationship to be the start of a relationship. It doesn't seem his behavior is going to change. His behavior makes you unhappy. I would just move on, at this point, if I were in your shoes.

[gacats]

OP, the longer you stay in this, the harder it will be for you to break away.
You need to decide if you want to spend all your time trying to fix this guy.
In my mind, when you care about someone, you will do everything you can to make the relationship smooth.
He doesn't seem to be trying.
I hope you figure this out.