Should I tell my dad that I dislike his gf?

[Hessefan]

About ten years ago my parents got divorced, and since then my dad has been in three relationships. His current girlfriend is the most serious so far and they are living together and appear to be happy from what I can tell.
The problem is that I can not stand this woman, nor can my husband or my in-laws (they met at our wedding), so I don't think it is a personal dislike only I have.
My dad and I were always really close and he was very supportive of me, both financially and emotionally, when I was in college. While he was getting divorced from my mum, I got into huge arguments with my mum and eventually moved in with my dad over the summers I was home, but am now living in another country from my parents with my husband.
Since he has met this woman about 4 years ago I feel like my relationship with my dad has gone downhill, and I think it is all due to her influence. I am happy that my dad is happy nad that he has someone to be with and to grow old with, but I just don't trust her intentions and I very much resent the way she interferes with our relationship. Since they have been together, I have only once spent time alone with my dad. She works in a hospital cafeteria, and when I went to visit my dad we had to go to that cafeteria every day to have lunch there, so he could see her. I thought it was just the beginnings of love, so didn't want to say anything, but whenenver he calls, she is there in the background commenting on everything we say to each other. I have no private talks anymore with my father, because she is just always there and always butting her head in somehow. When my grabdfather trash-talked my mum while I was in the next room, she put in her two cents until I started yelling at him telling him he was telling lies (as he was very old and confused), and had a rant in the car later, but never openly confronted her, as I didn't want to upset my dad.
She is divorced and has two sons my age, and only earns very little money, whereas my dad is quite well off. Since they met he started to give me less and less financial support and even asked to suspend a savings account he had for me, which was small anyway, but which was part of my parents' divorce settlement. I did cancel it, and am not that woried about receiving any gifts or money form him, but just can't shake the feeling it is all her. She has no money, but they moved in to a large appartement together and when my dad mentioned he'd like a dog, but his gf wants to be able to go on spontaneous holidays, and it annoys me, as she can absolutely not afford them, so I know who is paying for them. It just seems that she is getting a whole lot more oput of this relationship than my dad and they do whatever she wants to do. When they came to visit two years ago it drove my husband mad that whatever we suggested and my dad was keen on, she vetoed adn therefore we didn't do it.
Whenever I phone and she picks up, she spends ages talking to me and trying to be chummy, and not wanting to be rude I talk to her, but really really dislike her. She hasn't done anything openly nasty to me, but it is just many small things. When they picked me up from my mum's house to drive me to the airport, she made a big show of getting out of the car, even though I was just putting my luggage in, to show my mum, who was watching from the balcony, that she was there I assume. My parents bought a cottage together when they were married, and my dad got it after the divorce. When they took us there she had put pictures of her sons up all over the house, and a lot of other personal touches, which I guess is normal, but just upset me, as I feel she is taking her role as new partner for granted and is trying to be too familiar and chummy a bit too fast.
Now my dad wants us to come visit for a party in my grandather's honour, as he recently passed away, and I am so hesitant, as I want to spend as little time as possible with her but also want to see my dad. My dad recently phoned me from work acting secretive and asking if I needed any money for a stroke of bad luck we have had, but it all sounded as if he had to phone from work to avoid her disapproval.
I am not good with confrontations with my dad, as we have always gotten along, and just don't know if it is my place to say anything. Maybe he just likes a bossy woman, and he seems happy with her, but I feel this is affecting our relationship. But if I do say something, the relationship might get worse and never recover? I have never had problems with his other girlfriends in the past.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Aslan]

I wouldn't. She sounds like she's been nothing but nice for you even though you don't trust her "intentions." If you believe she's influencing your father to spend less time with you and give you less money, how about taking those issues up directly with your father? He's ultimately responsible for his own actions.

[turboflgrl]

Best advice: Don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong. They are two consenting adults and his mistakes (if they are in fact, mistakes) are his to make. I really don't think you have any right to tell him anything.

[Charles]

From what you say, it seems like petty annoyances...nothing substantial. Ok, so she has an opinion...big deal.
If you want to spend more time with your dad, tell him. Try to set up some time where just you and he can hang out, and let him know you want it to be just you two. Father/Daughter time. I don't think there's anything unreasonable about that request. If he balks or she balks, then you can speak up. Until that happens, from what you're saying now, it just seems like you're a jealous daughter.

[ahertz]

If your issue is with not spending time with your dad then you need to say "I don't like how we don't spend time together" not "I don't like your girlfriend." Relationships change with our parents as we get older and they (like us) make life changes. If he's happy, stay out of it. It is his money, his time and his life to spend however he wishes.

[dallas]

If you are truly happy for your father, I would advise you to say nothing about your dislike of his girlfriend.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by Aslan

I wouldn't. She sounds like she's been nothing but nice for you even though you don't trust her "intentions."

That isn't quite accurate, she has not been outright nasty, but has told him not to phone me that often (we talked once a week, which isn't really that much I thought, considering we live in different countries), has talked badly about my mother (which isn't really any of her business, since they were divorced long before she met my father) and a few other things like this. I have never been unfriendly to her or brought any of this up with my dad, to the point where my mum got very upset at my wedding thinking I liked my dad's gf more than her.
When my dad was sent to hospital recently from work after they feared he had a heart attack and he was there for 9 hours of tests, he had to ask his friend to drop off his car, and then drive himself home, since she was not bothered enough to leave work early and pick him up.
It may sound jealous, and some of it may not be my business, but since I am his only daughter I am worried about him and do not iunderstand why he would want to let his relationship affect the relationship he has with me, as that was fairly independent from her.

I will try and take the advice to talk to him about just our relationship changing, and not mention my feelings about her, so thanks to everyone. It has just been a bit difficult, since as I said we live in different countries and they are always together, unless I call him at work, which isn't a good time or place to talk to him. I may try and send him an email though.

[juneping]

i think you dad knows what's going on...and he decides to listen to this woman. i would not say anything. sounds like he still cares about you...but you don't live his life..so let him be happy even if it's not the version you'd hope for.
i think you dad is quite smart...he's not married to this woman so...i think he knows what he's getting into.

[Roo]

As far as her telling him not to phone you-- did he tell you she said that?

Has she spoken badly about your mother to you directly or did you hear it from someone else? Perhaps she was humoring your grandfather in the discussion you overheard. I don't support the bashing of parents but your Grandfather is entitled to his opinion and may have a perspective on the marriage that you may not...

Unfortunately your father is an adult and can make his own decisions, so there is not much you can do about his choice of partner.

I am not sure what your situation is, but I've personally seen situations where no matter who the parent gets involved with, the kids do not like them....

Also you mention that your dad supported you financially when you were in college. Is there an expectation he should still be doing that into adulthood (if he is not)?

ETA: I also just read your post about your Mom's behavior at your wedding. I'm sorry, but no parent should behave like that at a child's wedding. This is a common problem with divorces- and it's not fair that your special day had added drama. She's your Mom and no matter what, she should not put you in an emotional position where you feel you have to choose between parents. That's what happens when one parent questions the loyalty of a child who likes the other parent's partner. I know this because I am a stepmom myself and have seen this in my own situation. This can't be helping your feelings about your father's partner either, IMO....... just because your dad was once married and has been divorced for a long time does not mean this woman should have to hide in the shadows and or skulk away any time she is around your dad's ex wife? Does that seem fair??

[ktheartscoach]

If she's been around for four years, she's not trying to get chummy with you too fast - that's a long term relationship. She sounds a bit insecure - and she probably senses that you don't care for her but if she's socially inept then may lack the ability to effectively communicate with you.

Instead of telling your Dad that you don't like his girlfriend, you should ask yourself what you hope to gain from having that conversation. It sounds to me like your relationship with your Dad is going through the normal changes that happen when we grow up and get married. It's not the girlfriend's fault, because it would have happened anyway - just a part of life. As we become more independent of our parents, they move into a new phase of life that doesn't involve the full-time financial and time commitment of raising a child. And truthfully...they deserve that freedom. It sounds like he was a responsible and loving Dad.

Since you live in different countries, you're married and grown, he may feel that you don't need him anymore. Try approaching things from that point - telling him that no matter how old you get or what country you live in, he's still your Dad and you need him - not financially, but emotionally - and would really like the chance to talk to just him sometimes - not trying to exclude her from anything, just that you miss the one on one talks you had in the past. He may have a hard time talking too much at work at unexpected times, but maybe setting up a "virtual" lunch where you two get on the phone and chat while you have lunch during the day could work? My Mom and I live in different states, and we'll call each other up and put the same show on so we can "watch TV together". It helps us stay connected in a fun way.

Hugs to you - it will all work out in the end.

[Bella]

If you talk to your father, I would address your relationship with him. Talk to him about things that involve the two of you, father and daughter and how you both can try to change some things to make you happier. Communication, constructive communication is key. Addressing your issues about his gf and how you feel she plays a part will probably backfire and create feelings on his part that could overshadow what is really important.

[little LV lover]

If I were in your situation, I would not mention anything to your dad about your feelings toward his girlfriend. But it would be a good idea to talk to your dad and tell him that you miss spending time with him. Keep the conversation focused on you and your dad, without making his girlfriend look like the 'problem' in the situation. Whatever you do, please do not put him in the situation of chosing between you or his girlfriend. That would be unfair to your dad, and a lil' selfish on your part.

Have you taken any effort to get to know your dad's girlfriend? Taken her out to lunch, called her to see how she's doing? When you said: "Whenever I phone and she picks up, she spends ages talking to me and trying to be chummy, and not wanting to be rude I talk to her, but really really dislike her.", it kind of shows that you're not being the 'bigger person' that you could be. IMO, I don't think she's trying to be chummy. I think she's trying to make the effort to get to know her BF's one and only daughter. By not taking the initiative to get to know her, it proves that you're part of the problem and not part of the solution.

Good luck.

[xostephie]

You and I are in very similar situations! My Dad has recently started somewhat seriously seeing a woman who I cannot stand (she was the 'other woman', so obviously you can imagine my dislike). I know that money is probably her main motivation of dating him now, but at the same time, it's very much so one of those 'he's a big boy and will do what he wants' instances, so my sibling and I just let it go. I know it's tough, and certainly if you feel him pulling away from you it's definitely something that needs to be addressed, but at the same time, if he's happy, then let sleeping dogs lie. If he intends to remarry, etc, you might want to consider speaking up, but until then, I would refrain.

[Cheetah7]

If the real issue here is your dad not spending enough time with you, I don't see anything wrong with addressing just that. However, I would refrain from giving my opinion about his gf unless he asked you.

[nooch]

Not unless you plan to lose your entire relationship with your father.

I gotta agree with Aslan & Charles here - he's a grown man and it sounds like you're jealous.