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gina2328 · Oct 15th, 2009, 06:18 PM

The only way to stop her from talking badly about your Mother in front of you is to say something to her! Frankly it is offensive. Say something along the lines of "Excuse me, but I am offended, please don't say bad things about my Mother in front of me" Ask her to stop instead of stewing about it. Or if you don't want to, ask your Father to say something to her about the matter.

Why do you think she has asked your Father to phone you less? If she has and he is doing it, then this is a problem with your Father, not her. You can also phone your Father more often if you would like to speak to him, if he does not call you. Don't let her prevent you from speaking to your Dad. Honestly there are solutions to all these issues she is causing.

If she makes negative remarks about "foreigners" ask her to elaborate. Ask her if your nationality is included. Then you will know if she really is racist or not. Then you have something to really be offended about. If so, time again to say you are offended or have Dad talk to her.

NLVOEWITHLV · Oct 16th, 2009, 12:41 PM

I agree with others, it does sound like you are kind of jealous that this woman has a special place in your dads life. I am a MAJOR daddys girl, when I got married my dad and I had a LONG talk (I was 19 so still kind of a kid) he told me that because I was now married he had to take a step back. When I was a newly wed my mom had to explain to him in "kind" terms that he couldnt just pop up like he used too for obvious reasons LOL!!! I would give you the same advice, you should take a step back. You cant have the exact same relationship as you did before, just be happy for him, some people dont find someone to share their lives with a second time around!!!

one fifty · Oct 16th, 2009, 03:46 PM

IMO the part about the heart attack bothers me, seems like a GF of 4 years should do a bit more than leave him at the hospital to fend for himself?

my DH's parents are divorced and ex #2 a woman of little marketable skills took him to the cleaners and tried to direct all the resources towards her 2 boys instead of DH. The current GF also doesn't make much but we have observed that she does care about him including about his health and so forth, is a nice decent person. the difference is difficult to explain online but IMO you know it when you see it.

since you can't really say anything to your dad without it probably backfiring at least talk to him about getting more of a support network, is there a plan in place if he gets another heart attack, if he were incapacitated would anyone notify you?

nataliam1976 · Oct 17th, 2009, 06:29 AM

Lets see - so your dad´s girlfriend tells him not to talk to you so often because its annoying you (WTF) and wont let you meeet him on his own, couldnt be bothered to go to the hospital after he had a heart attack and offends you and your mum in his presence.

I honestly dont understand how other posters can read this and say you are overreacting or being jealous. Yes, when parents are in new relationships the dynamics changes, but that doesnt mean that parents should not have a good relationship with their kids anymore.

I am in her shoes now in a way, because my SO has a 11 year old son who lives with us every second week and let me tell you, if I ever pulled a stunt like she does, the relationship with my SO would be over. He would never let me influence badly his bond with his kid, nor would I ever dream of doing that.

And if my SO had a heart attack, I would be at his bed day and night.

I dont really know what to advise you as it seems like very often men avoid confrontation and prefer ignoring such issues ( I wont even count how many times in threads here it was said that husband/SO/boyfriend needs to grow a pair and face the reality), but I would at least ask your dad to spend some more quality time with you - explain that as much as you have nothing against his gf, she is not your parent and its normal you just want some extra alone time with him, see what he says. Even if he doesnt start meeting you on his own ( he probably wont, so that he has peace and quiet at home), at least you said it and he knows.

Good luck and I am sorry you have to go through this.

Bella · Oct 17th, 2009, 01:45 PM

Natalia, lol.. From the way OP describes it, this woman doesn't sound like an angel, particularly talking bad about the OP's mother and the father being in the hospital. But as I've learned very often people see situations differently and there could be more to it.

You hit the nail on the head with saying typically men avoid confrontation. But, I agree with you, if this were me I would not be afraid to ask him for alone time in the most positive way I could. All we can do is communicate, reach out with what we're looking for and then it's up to the other person to reciprocate.. or not.

Some people change when they are in relationships and not always for the best. I have someone close to me who I feel has become someone different. I was hurt and angry for a while, feeling much of it is who this person has chosen to be with, but have come to terms with it is what it is. I don't want to alienate this person because I do love them, so I focus on our relationship, trying to love w/o judgement and have stopped letting certain choices they make affect me. I no longer have expectations therefore the disappointment isn't what it once was.... and jealousy isn't part of the equation.

risingsun · Oct 17th, 2009, 05:06 PM

I have a very different opinion on this situation, based upon OP's description of the relationships. I think that Dad's gf is jealous of the close bond that has existed between dad and daughter. GF has attempted to take on a maternal/controlling role, which limits dad's relationship with OP, denigrates Mom and other "foreigners" and has exhibited some odd and overly familiar behavior. I would not tell dad that you don't like his gf. He will likely defend her. I would discuss your feelings of losing a connection with each other. You should have the right for alone time with your dad. If the gf is limiting this, there is likely jealousy and insecurity behind this. There also seems to be manipulation going on by gf. If you have to call your dad at work and make a date to see him privately, I would suggest you do so. My uncle was married to such a wife, who gradually separated him from the rest of the family. It was a sad situation, from which he was never able to recover. After his funeral, she tried to give us each a small amount of money for attending. Now how wacky was that!! I guess she viewed us a paid mourners.

Black_Swarmer · Oct 17th, 2009, 05:50 PM

No matter what - don't tell your father you dislike her. They're adults and if they want to be together it is none of your business.

I'm quite firm on this as I have the exact same problem except it is my MIL who doesn't like me and has told her son on several occasions in very straight forward terms ... It has been quite destroying for husbands and hers relationship (luckily not to me and husbands relationship even though that was the point!) so that kind of backfired, and that is the real risk.
Of course my relationship with my MIL has also suffered - I knew she didn't like me even before she told my husband and I really didn't care if she liked me or not, but her deliberately trying to destroy our relationship has made me not like her as well - before that I just didn't care, now I'm trying to avoid her if I can, and I'm not sure it will ever get better.

So if you don't your relationship with your father to suffer, keep quiet about his girlfriend

But you could of course ask him for time alone, which I would do if I were you!

Cornflower Blue · Oct 17th, 2009, 06:03 PM

I'm with you risingsun. I'm not surprised the OP feels the way she feels about it. Tolerance and understanding is all very well and highly regarded but we are not automatons, we are humans with feelings and emotions. All I know if I was in the same situation I'd be freaking out and I think the OP has handled herself remarkably well and with dignity over a long period of time considering the circumstances quite frankly. I don't like the sound of the gf one jot and it sounds as if the OP has been more than understanding about the situation and shown a maturity sadly bereft from her Dads gf...

nataliam1976 · Oct 18th, 2009, 10:13 AM

Originally Posted by Cornflower Blue

I'm with you risingsun. I'm not surprised the OP feels the way she feels about it. Tolerance and understanding is all very well and highly regarded but we are not automatons, we are humans with feelings and emotions. All I know if I was in the same situation I'd be freaking out and I think the OP has handled herself remarkably well and with dignity over a long period of time considering the circumstances quite frankly. I don't like the sound of the gf one jot and it sounds as if the OP has been more than understanding about the situation and shown a maturity sadly bereft from her Dads gf...

welcome to the club.

cookie888 · Oct 18th, 2009, 01:41 PM

I advise you not to reveal your true feelings about the gfriend. That was my mistake.

I do not like the woman my father is married to - they married when I was 18 - and I told my dad this. Since then (it's been 10 years) life has been difficult to put it lightly.

Both my parents are idiots in the choices they've made since their divorce but I've learnt to deal with it.

Only recently have my dad and I really sat down and discussed everything. From my reasons for my not liking her to his will (she's wanting every penny. she doesn't think children from first marriage - me and my 2 brothers - deserve anything). I've caved and stopped fighting.

All I want is for my Dad to be happy and stress free. Maybe that's what you should do. Take a step back and let him live his life. It's hard to do. My story is a lot more complicated but I don't want to sabotage your thread. Just wanna say I know how you're feeling

Bella · Oct 18th, 2009, 02:50 PM

Originally Posted by Cornflower Blue

I'm with you risingsun. I'm not surprised the OP feels the way she feels about it. Tolerance and understanding is all very well and highly regarded but we are not automatons, we are humans with feelings and emotions. All I know if I was in the same situation I'd be freaking out and I think the OP has handled herself remarkably well and with dignity over a long period of time considering the circumstances quite frankly. I don't like the sound of the gf one jot and it sounds as if the OP has been more than understanding about the situation and shown a maturity sadly bereft from her Dads gf...

I'd say I agree with ya CB.

Good luck OP. I don't know if it was clear in my previous post, but I do not feel jealousy on your part is any part of the issue. I was trying to be diplomatic I guess, probably unsuccessfully. I can relate to what you're gong through. It's not easy. Particularly being your father, it must be disappointing and hurtful to have things change because of this person, but I still say tread lightly. Hopefully your father will make the effort you're looking for whether his gf likes it or not. I see risingsuns point of view. The gf doesn't sound like the most positive, supportive and encouraging influence as far as you're concerned and that's too bad. I wish you the best.

kate83675 · Oct 18th, 2009, 03:43 PM

As I read through this thread I've been amazed at how many replies said you were jealous OP or not giving the gf a fair shake. She sounds like a user and I agree with Natalia, Risingsun, Bella, and Cornflower Blue that she doesn't seem to have your father's best interests at heart; if anyone is jealous it seems to be her, not you.

The advice to not tell your father of your dislike is good, right now it won't serve your purpose but trying to resurrect a closer relationship with your father will. Eventually you may find out more about the dynamics of their relationship and what, if anything, you can do for your father.

He may very well not be as happy with her as is supposed, but that will take time to discover. Just because you don't like her does not mean you're jealous or wrong; are those the only reasons for not liking someone? She absolutely should not be trash talking about your mother in your hearing, that woman is still your mother. Why is it that if you say you don't like the person your father is involved with you are in the wrong instead of perhaps being clear-sighted enough to see the person for what they really are?

It's a tough situation, I hope you can at least find a way to be closer to your father again.

calzz · Oct 19th, 2009, 01:12 AM

Saying "I don't like your girlfriend" is a blanket statement. There are so many problems that can be addressed regarding the relationship with your father that I think go deeper than that. Like the others have said, you need to specifically address these with him. It seems like there is an issue with your communication with him that is affecting your relationship and how often you guys see each other. On the other hand, a lot of is is from the fact that you live in a different country- so naturally these lapses in communication are easier to happen.

Hessefan · Oct 20th, 2009, 03:53 AM

Thanks everyone for your opinions on this, the great support as well as the criticism!
I have decided to talk to him about us not spending any time alone, either on the phone or in person when we do see each other, and try to leave his gf out of it for the most part, although he may wonder why I don't want her around all of the time, every time.
I wil be seeing him for a week in december and bring it up then, if I can, as it's a bit awkward over the phone.
Thanks to kate83675, Bella, nataliam1976, Cornflower Blue and risingsun for your support and understanding, as I also am still convinced that I am not simply jealous, because I really want him to be happy and have a companion. The suspected heart attack issue was just the straw that broke the camel's back to me. No matter what my job is and where I am, if that happened to my husband I would tell my boss I have to leave and go. Even when our cat got run over and my husband was away, my boss heard and sent me home right away. At the time I did tell my dad that it was stupid and dangerous of him to drive home himself, adn asked why his gf didn't just picked him up (not even in an angry tone) and he got defensive about her right away, saying she was the only oone at her job and couldn't leave. But I think he knew secretly that her attitude was pitiful and neither me nor my mum nor any of his ex-girlfriends would have let him sort out his own transport at that point. Even if she had sent him a taxi or something.
I honestly believe that part of the distance between me and my dad was brought on by her requests (although I don't know what they talk about of course).
In an earlier post I admitted that I haven't made much of an effort to get to know her, like going out with her alone etc., but now am wondering why I would. I know I maybe should be the bigger person here, but these events in recent months (talking bad about my mum, the hospital thing, some other small issues) have made me feel terrible and if I ony see my parents for a few weeks a year, which is stressfull enough as they both want to see me as much as possible, I don't see why I would spend some of that time with my dad's gf alone? I tend to think that I don't need to be best mates with my parents' partners, that's what my parents are for! It would be nice to get along well and send each other cards on occasions, etc., but really I would be content knowing she wasn't trying to undermine the relationship I have with my father and that she actually cared for him and not just the lifestyle he can afford to give her.

If I phone my parents, my husband sometimes leaves the room out of courtesy (and because he is probably not that interested in what I tell them), and when his parents come by he usually has some alone-time with his mum in the kitchen or a walk alone with his dad. It wouldn't occur to either of us to demand that we are in on all the "secrets" or conversation all the time.

Part of the problem is also that I don't know how much of this is conscious on her part. She may have told him not to phone me because her sons have told her she was annoying and she wanted to help. Or trying to appease the crowd (my grandfather, dad) by talking badly about my mum.
And yes, it may well be a communication problem between me and my dad, as he sometimes seems like the instigator who wants to spend no time apart from her whatsoever.
In any case, I will try to leave her out of it and just speak to my dad about him and me.

Lastly, I just want to add that I also once dated a guy who had a daughter, so am not acompletely new to the whole step-mom concept. It might have been different, since his daughter was a child, not an adult, but it would have never occurred to me in a million years to ask him to phone her less (he phoned her once or twice a day at least) or see her only when I am there or talk badly about her mother. No, talk about her mother at all. There was no reason for it and I would have rather bitten my tongue off than do that.

Thanks again everyone for reading and all the advice. If you're left to think this over on your own it just goes in circles sometimes

nataliam1976 · Oct 20th, 2009, 05:26 AM