Should I tell my dad that I dislike his gf?

[plain jane doe]

Never mind.

[Sternchen]

I wouldn't...it'll likely just backfire on you. Honestly, it sounds like you're a little bit jealous of this woman because she's taking all of your dad's time and because she has become an important figure in his life. Your father knows what he is doing and if he loves this woman, then he does. I don't see what her income, his income and who pays for what has to do with anything. The only thing that matters it that she makes HIM happy. Not you.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by Roo

As far as her telling him not to phone you-- did he tell you she said that? Has she spoken badly about your mother to you directly or did you hear it from someone else? Perhaps she was humoring your grandfather in the discussion you overheard. I don't support the bashing of parents but your Grandfather is entitled to his opinion and may have a perspective on the marriage that you may not... Unfortunately your father is an adult and can make his own decisions, so there is not much you can do about his choice of partner. I am not sure what your situation is, but I've personally seen situations where no matter who the parent gets involved with, the kids do not like them.... Also you mention that your dad supported you financially when you were in college. Is there an expectation he should still be doing that into adulthood (if he is not)? ETA: I also just read your post about your Mom's behavior at your wedding. I'm sorry, but no parent should behave like that at a child's wedding. This is a common problem with divorces- and it's not fair that your special day had added drama. She's your Mom and no matter what, she should not put you in an emotional position where you feel you have to choose between parents. That's what happens when one parent questions the loyalty of a child who likes the other parent's partner. I know this because I am a stepmom myself and have seen this in my own situation. This can't be helping your feelings about your father's partner either, IMO....... just because your dad was once married and has been divorced for a long time does not mean this woman should have to hide in the shadows and or skulk away any time she is around your dad's ex wife? Does that seem fair??

Yes, my dad told me she told him not to phone me that often since it is annoying for me, which I told him wasn't true. This is probably due to the fact that she doesn't seem that close to her sons.

She spoke badly about my mother to my grabdfather when I was in the kitchen doing dishes and overheard them. I told my grandfather to stop telling lies (as he was in this instance, shortly before his death, and havinglost the plot a bit), but didn't tell my dad about it or confront her about it directly. Every time I speak to my dad about anything involving my mum, she puts her two cents in, and frankly I think that is none of her business, nor is she entitled to an opinion since she only met my mum once.

I don't expect my dad to support me financially at all anymore, the last few times he asked if we needed anything I have declined. And no, his or her income are not really the issue. I mentioned this because I feel that it was symptomatic of our relationship's decline and coincidentally or not happened at around the same time he stopped calling regularly and started seeing his gf.

Yes, you are right, my mum should not get involved and demand me to side with her, but in the last ten years I have almost always told her to leave me out of the divorce and anything to do with it. I am well aware that my mum would prefer me to hate my dad's girlfriend, but as it was the case with his previous girlfriends, and I have had no issues whatsoever with them, I don't think this is what is influencing me. I wasn't very close to his last girlfriend, but thought she was kind and nice and I was very happy for my dad. When they broke up she phoned me at college to ask for my advice, and even though that was strange, I had no problem with this or with her and was very sad for her and my dad. They were together for over 3 years as well, so it was a serious relationship and not a non-threatening fling.

About my wedding day, it was actually my dad and his gf who stayed with us during that time and the day before my wedding demanded that we go shopping again, because I had bought the wrong mineral water and jam for them, and made a huge drama about seeing my mum here for an hnour (my dad left the house for 30 minutes and didn't even say hello to my mum). My dad's gf also complained bitterly about the badly organised transport and lack of changing facilities at the hotel (nevermind that they had a room), so if anything it was them who increased my stress levels.

So, no, my dad's girlfriend should absolutely not have to hide in the shadows, but she also should not voice any opinions about my mum to me or in front of me, since she has had hardly any contact with her at all and I feel she is not in a position to do so.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by ktheartscoach

If she's been around for four years, she's not trying to get chummy with you too fast - that's a long term relationship. She sounds a bit insecure - and she probably senses that you don't care for her but if she's socially inept then may lack the ability to effectively communicate with you. Instead of telling your Dad that you don't like his girlfriend, you should ask yourself what you hope to gain from having that conversation. It sounds to me like your relationship with your Dad is going through the normal changes that happen when we grow up and get married. It's not the girlfriend's fault, because it would have happened anyway - just a part of life. As we become more independent of our parents, they move into a new phase of life that doesn't involve the full-time financial and time commitment of raising a child. And truthfully...they deserve that freedom. It sounds like he was a responsible and loving Dad.

Sorry to be unclear, I didn't mean that she is trying to get chummy now, it was right away. On the first day I met her she stayed over and walked around the appartement in her underwear, which to me is just a bit strange. When they came to stay with us for the wedding she went to the toilet for a longer session with the door wide open. That's what i meant when I said she was trying to be too familiar too soon.

Whenever I speak to my dad on the phone, right from the beginning, she chimes in from the background no matter what we are talking about and whether she knows the issue or not. This would annoy me even if it was my girlfriend's partner, say, who was constantly commenting on our conversation.

Another issue for me is that I frequently get the feeling she is a bit racist (just from comments she has made about "foreigners", and as my mum is of a different ethnicity and nationality than my dad and her I again find this entirely inappropriate. They have recently put up a flag at the cottage, which may not mean much to most people apart from a bit of patriotism, but I can't help feeling as if this is meant to be more of a statement.

Thanks to everyone for your helpful comments, I have never brought this up with anyone except my husband and one girlfriend, and have not mentioned this to my dad. It is very true that I am not being the bigger person and maybe just need to make more of an effort getting to know her properly.
Reading all of the comments has already helped me tremendously in thinking this through properly, as I had bottled it all up for the last four years.
I guess there are two main issues, one being that I don't spend any time alone with my dad anymore, as he always wants her involved (ie. only wanting to meet on days when she is off work, etc) and the fact that I feel we are not as close as w eonce were, which could just be the natural course of things and I have been blaming it on her because it started when they met.
The second main issue is that I don't quite trust her intentions and her love and devotion to my dad, as I feel he is more devoted to her well-being than she is to his, but I have rightly been reminded that this is in fact his business. I will try and tell him that I just miss him and spending time with him and would like to have a relationship with him that is sometimes separate from my husband or his girlfriend.

[olialm1]

I don't really think you're in any position to tell your father you don't like her. It doesn't really sound like she's done anything wrong and they've already been together for 4 years so how would this be fair to them? Plus, it's not like you're a kid anymore, if you were living with them and maybe 15 or 16 then I could see how you could say something but you're a grown woman, and I think you should/could handle things financially on your own. However, I don't see any harm in mentioning how you'd like to have a little one on one father/daughter time with your dad whether it's in person or on the phone. Tell him it's important to you!

[Charles]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it seems like she's just annoying rather than a mean or bad person. Ya know? There are plenty of people who I find annoying, but they probably are good people overall, so I just keep my mouth shut about them. Your dad probably sees something you don't and as long as she's not manipulative or vindictive, and as long as he's happy, just let it go.

Address the issues with your dad, and leave it at that.

[Jahpson]

Originally Posted by Bella

If you talk to your father, I would address your relationship with him. Talk to him about things that involve the two of you, father and daughter and how you both can try to change some things to make you happier. Communication, constructive communication is key. Addressing your issues about his gf and how you feel she plays a part will probably backfire and create feelings on his part that could overshadow what is really important.

co-sign.

can you not ask him why you two never have alone time anymore?

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by Hessefan

It is very true that I am not being the bigger person and maybe just need to make more of an effort getting to know her properly.... The second main issue is that I don't quite trust her intentions and her love and devotion to my dad, as I feel he is more devoted to her well-being than she is to his, but I have rightly been reminded that this is in fact his business. I will try and tell him that I just miss him and spending time with him and would like to have a relationship with him that is sometimes separate from my husband or his girlfriend.

Bravo OP! Its so refreshing to read someone come to a resolution in this forum. Just proceed with love, thats all I can offer!

[gina2328]

IMO, she does sound like an annoying person, and controlling. But, this is who your Dad wants to be with. I don't think when you call you have to talk to her for very long, keep it polite and brief, then ask to speak to your Dad. I mean, she is not even his Wife, and even if she were, she is not a blood relative to you. You don't have to like her, just be pleasant and polite. That's it, no more, no less. If she acts up in an annoying way, just ignoring her sounds like the best strategy, she sounds immature.

I agree to find an opportunity to spend time alone, but your Dad might question you, and ask you why don't you want to spend time with GF along. You are going to have to come up with a good reason. I mean, you are going to have to spend time along with him without your husband then. Its normal for families to spend time together with spouses, and I think he will realize then you don't like the GF, so tread carefully. You might just ask for an occasional lunch alone, or phone call at work.

[Hessefan]

That is exactly it! I haven't asked him for time alone in the last four years, because I don't know quite how to hide the fact that I dislike her, and yes, she is very controlling and very "in-your-face". So far I have always been very polite, send her birthday and christmas gifts and chatted on the phone. But sometimes I'd just like to talk to him without having her opinion on the matter, especially if it is family matters or about my mum.

I told my husband about this thread, and after reading it he said I didn't explain the situation very well and why I dislike her so much. It isn't just that she is annoying, but that she is pretty right-wing/racist and talks badly about my mother and is very controlling of my dad, but subtle about it. I guess my dad must know that she is bossy but not mind.
I must admit though that I haven't tried to get to know her that much, and that is my fault, so I might try to do that.
I am still thinking about ways to ask my dad for alone-time without her, which is difficult, as I only see my dad once or twice a year and she is always there whether I call or visit. I just think he would be very hurt if he knew how much I don't like her.

[natalie78]

I am also a stepmom, so I know the other side of the issue. My stepson lives with us and I initially tried very hard to make friends with him. After a while, I just gave up. We've learned to coexist and I think that is about all I can expect.

So, she's met your mom only once? What has your dad told her about your mom? I assume that you have never heard their personal conversations. What have other people told her? I've met DH's ex only twice, but I know enough about her to know that she's not a good person and yes, I have said ill things about her. Perhaps she is avoiding your mom based on something you dad told her. My stepson has told some less than flattering stories about me to family members and told everyone that he has done nothing but try to be nice to me, which has been far from the truth. Could it be that you have so much disdain for her that you are treating her badly and not realizing it?

[natalie78]

Originally Posted by Hessefan

she is pretty right-wing/racist and talks badly about my mother I must admit though that I haven't tried to get to know her that much, and that is my fault, so I might try to do that.

How can you say something so inflammatory about someone, and yet admit that you never even got to know the person well? And if she does have a different world view than you, does that make her bad? Or just simply someone you don't want to be friends with?

[Bella]

^^ Yeah. OP, some of the reactions you're getting here are not unlike what I think you'd get if you go there with your father. Some have said they think you are jealous. Maybe, but I think that is kind of normal in your situation. She could be the nicest woman on earth and do all the right things and it's still possible for a daughter to be jealous of the relationship her father has with another woman, particularly someone other than your mother. Doesn't make you a bad person/daughter. You just need to work that out within yourself.

I think you explained well enough why you dislike this woman. The issue here is that you need to focus on your relationship with your father, rather than focusing on her or her relationship with him. Talk to your father. Wish you the best.

[Aslan]

I am just inclined to think that you are not giving this woman a fair shake. She has been in your father's life for years, yet you admit that you haven't taken the time to get to know her. Let down your defenses. Her attempt at being "chummy" on the phone just might be her attempt at getting to know you. Try to approach her with a more positive attitude.

Trust me, I know how hard it is when your parents remarry/get into new relationships. Don't make it harder for yourself by rejecting her at the outset.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by natalie78

How can you say something so inflammatory about someone, and yet admit that you never even got to know the person well? And if she does have a different world view than you, does that make her bad? Or just simply someone you don't want to be friends with?

I believe I can because she has repeatedly made negative remarks about "foreigners" in my presence, knowing full well that my mum is a "foreigner", and I am half. My husband is a "foreigner" in my home country as well. I have not started any arguments about it with her, but also think that is out of order in any case, nevermind in her situation.

I just want to stress that I have never talked badly about her to anyone in my family, including my mum, and I don't have a chance to treat her particularly badly, since I don't see them more than once or twice a year.

By not getting to know her I meant I haven't been out with her alone, or that I wouldn't just phone her up to chat with her alone. And I really, really don't think it is pure jealousy, since I mentioned before that she is my dad's third partner since the divorce and I have had no issues whatsoever with the previous ones, even though the one before her was a long-term serious relationship. The previous ones have not, however, asked my dad to phone me less or be present for every single get-together/lunch/phone conversation and talked badly about my mother in front of me. If she does so when she is alone with my dad, I frankly don't care. I don't expect her to be best mates with my mum or even like her. I do expect her to keep her opinion about my mum to herself though, in front of me, since she met my mum only on my wedding day (where my mum asked her to join us for the family photos). Apart from that she has never spoken to my mum, ever.