Should I stay with him or go on with my life

[Squeaky00]

I am going to try and make this short and sweet.

I am 27 years old and I dated a guy for 5 years on and off when I came to relization that he was immature and that he could never be faithful. Now I have meet a wonderful guy who I have been dating for 2 years and 4 months. Me and my boyfriend meet at work. We use to work in the same department but now for 2 years we work at the same place but different department. My boyfriend is in management now. So nobody at work knows we are dating except my friend that works with me. We decided not to tell anyone because we didn't want to mix buisness with pleasure. If we didn't work out. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable when he comes to my department for anything. Which I think this is putting a stran on our relationship because we are tired of hiding from people.

Me and my boyfriend wants to get married but he can't afford a ring for me. My bf went to a out of state private college and now he is in 60k debt. So he has alot of bills. His dad passed away last year and he was the sole provider in their house. Which means his mom never worked and his dad never put away necessary money. Which now means my bf lives with his mom. He pays his bills and hers because he is a mommys boy and he wouldn't leave his mom stranded (which I don't blame him)

As I said before I am 27 years old and I am ready to get married and settle down and have a familly of my own. I live with my mom but I am ready to buy a house. My bf wants to live with me but he can't afford to live his life and still take care of his mom. So which means we are never going to take the next step unless he wins the lottery or his mom dies(which i am not wishing death on her). I am in a point in my life where I can take care of both of us. But his pride is to high and he doesn't want me to pay for everything. He wants to do his part and be able to put his half in. Don't get me wrong but I am so inlove with my bf but I feel like I am putting my life on hold and I don't know what to do.

[sues]

If you are in love with this man and if you think he has the qualities that you value in a partner (e.g., loyalty, kindness, drive etc) then there is no reason to think that you should totally give up on him because of his current circumstance.

He is no doubt grieving the loss of his dad and feels a devotion and responsibility to be supportive of his mother - which is not a problem. But two people who are in love and who BOTH want a future with each other can problem solve.

So the issue here is working with him to decide if you both want the same thing (e.g., marriage) and if so, what time frame can work for both of you. If he doesn't want to leave his mother, it may be possible to compromise so that you and your future husband can live together but also live in close proximity to his mom. In time, she may be agreeable to selling her house for a more affordable residence.

If he seems reluctant to commit or compromise in relation to your desire to get married, then (a) perhaps that is not a priority for him at this time or (b) he really doesn't think that you are the one for him. Speak to him, get his perspective and try to ascertain what exactly he is thinking and what he wants. What he wants may or may not work with what you want. Just ensure that he is someone who you can talk to and problem solve about these things - that decision is a lifelong consequence.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

Which I think this is putting a stran on our relationship because we are tired of hiding from people. Me and my boyfriend wants to get married but he can't afford a ring for me. My bf went to a out of state private college and now he is in 60k debt. So he has alot of bills. His dad passed away last year and he was the sole provider in their house. Which means his mom never worked and his dad never put away necessary money. Which now means my bf lives with his mom. He pays his bills and hers because he is a mommys boy and he wouldn't leave his mom stranded (which I don't blame him) As I said before I am 27 years old and I am ready to get married and settle down and have a familly of my own. I live with my mom but I am ready to buy a house. My bf wants to live with me but he can't afford to live his life and still take care of his mom. So which means we are never going to take the next step unless he wins the lottery or his mom dies(which i am not wishing death on her). I am in a point in my life where I can take care of both of us. But his pride is to high and he doesn't want me to pay for everything. He wants to do his part and be able to put his half in. Don't get me wrong but I am so inlove with my bf but I feel like I am putting my life on hold and I don't know what to do.

I think a long honest conversation with your BF is in order.

1. Your work situation is putting a strain on your relationship. How big? Maybe its worth one of you changing jobs, maybe if people know at work it will be less strain than it is now? Talk about your options here.

2. I can completely understand where you are coming from regarding the settling down part and I am sorry that most likely his male pride stands in
the way of you moving on. I would tell him that his devotion to his mum makes you love him even more and the fact that he is caring and loving is important to you, not his financial abilities. He can always get you a simple ring and then replace it with more expensive one down the road, he can always take on more bills later if you pay for the house now. I dont see any reason why he shouldnt compromise, especially if he feels too that you are the one and he wants to be with you. I would make sure that this is the case here.

[olialm1]

He hasn't done anything wrong in my eyes. He is an interesting place in life right now and it seems like he is trying his hardest to keep things moving. What if you were in the same situation with your family and he wanted to get married? Would you kick your mom to the curb and leave her without any support? I think you should stop being so selfish and put aside the idea of getting married right now and BE there for him.

[juneping]

agree with all the above. i think it's better to work on the issues...instead of walking away.
GL!!

[Vegas Long Legs]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

. Me and my boyfriend wants to get married but he can't afford a ring for me.

You are right, he is a wonderful guy. Not many would show the kind of loyality he has toward his family. This loyality is ingrained in him, it won't go away.

Does all this boil down to the fact he can't get you a ring? Cause many wouldn't of even mentioned the ring when telling this story.

This guy is a keeper, someone else would see that and appreciate him. You dump him & he'll be grabbed up by someone else before he hits the ground. His kind of qualities don't come along often.

Buy your own ring if it that important to you. My perception is that your priorities seem to need a tune up.

[domlee]

Finally...a thread about a quality man in this sub-forum...(Sorry if I forgot about the other quality men threads in here).

OP...listen to the advice posted above. Life isn't perfect, and we all make do w/ the cards we're dealt.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by Vegas Long Legs

You are right, he is a wonderful guy. Not many would show the kind of loyality he has toward his family. This loyality is ingrained in him, it won't go away. Does all this boil down to the fact he can't get you a ring? Cause many wouldn't of even mentioned the ring when telling this story. This guy is a keeper, someone else would see that and appreciate him. You dump him & he'll be grabbed up by someone else before he hits the ground. His kind of qualities don't come along often. Buy your own ring if it that important to you. My perception is that your priorities seem to need a tune up.

But she doesnt mind him not being able to afford the ring at all, however he doesnt want to progress with relationship because he cant afford it. She even offered to purchase the house for them herself.

[risingsun]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

But she doesnt mind him not being able to afford the ring at all, however he doesnt want to progress with relationship because he cant afford it. She even offered to purchase the house for them herself.

ITA. The OP is willing to be extremely generous, both emotionally and financially, in order to see this relationship move forward. Her SO doesn't seem able to understand that he has options, while both caring for his mother and being in a committed relationship.

[Vegas Long Legs]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

So which means we are never going to take the next step unless he wins the lottery or his mom dies(which i am not wishing death on her). I am in a point in my life where I can take care of both of us. But his pride is to high and he doesn't want me to pay for everything. He wants to do his part and be able to put his half in. Don't get me wrong but I am so inlove with my bf but I feel like I am putting my life on hold and I don't know what to do.

Never going to take the next step & putting it on hold for awhile are 2 different things. If you seriously want to break up, talk it out with him. You are not so old at 27 that your options are running out. Maybe there is a compromise. It is a wlecome relief to hear of a quality man for a change.

He sees what not having her own money or options has done to his mom. This should be a lesson for all who reads this. No joke.

[shy*violet]

Agreed with all the posters above. I'd also add that while you may be ready to be married and start a family of your own, it's possible he's not ready to be married. Like others have said you need to talk to him. Personally, I don't think you should leave him just b/c you're ready to get married and he might not be.

[juneping]

OP,

there are so many jerks out there....hold on to a good one. u should visit the singles thread...a lot of jerks and you'll be happy you got a good one.

[lorihmatthews]

OP, you say you're ready to buy a house ... does that mean you're ready mentally or also ready financially? A house is a big investment.

I'd talk with your BF and see if it's feasible to have his mother live with both of you IF you both want to be together, get married and have a family. Like others have said he may not be ready yet.

[one fifty]

I think at this point his mother needs to be includes somehow in this conversation, perhaps after you two have talked things out.

Is she thinking at all about his future/independence? Did the father leave no life insurance, 401k, or other assets? Does she have any sort of plan to gain some skills and work at least a little bit? If not would she be okay living with you and BF together?

I am sorry to sound harsh but he sounds like a good guy and you didn't really explain much about his mother. my MIL was taking money from DH even when he was a poor starving student (she's financially irresponsible not saying your BF's mother is the same way just my own experiences) and would have happily kept on taking part of DH's pay for all his adult life! When we got engaged DH was a good "mama's boy' but also recognized he needed to focus on our future too.

you can get some fantastic rings at a steal from pawn shops too, check out the jewelry forum!

[gina2328]

Financial disputes are the biggest causes of divorce in marriage. I see several red flags here. First, your BF chose to go to an expensive private college and rack up $ 60k in debt instead of going to a cheaper public university. Why? You also state he has lots of bills.

Also, there is this story that his Father left his Mother with nothing. So they never saved a dime in all the years they were married? OK, he did not seem to learn financial responsibility from his Father. How about his Mother considers the possibility of getting a job? Doesn't sound like she wants to work. Are you ok with supporting his Mother the rest of her days, which could be the next 30-40 years? That sounds like a huge financial strain to me. I don't know his exact age, around 27 also, but anytime I see someone still living at home I find this to be a red flag, he is lacking separation from his Mother.

You also mentioned in your original post that he is a Mommy's boy. Men who put their Mother's first before their wives have it backwards and are not good husband material. There have been many threads on this forum from women on this same issue.