Should I stay with him or go on with my life

[juneping]

^^okay...lets assume certain things...
say they live together..the 3 of them.
so the bf's salary could go to his student loans/monthly bills for the house+the mom...and maybe OP could take care the montage only...?? i don't think they need a lot for the mom right? besides of feeding her and may be a fixed allowance per month?
i don't know 60K student loan isn't that much...if he's a manager...his pay can't be that low. i don't know.
i don't know....i am glad my parents do better than i do financially.

[LeeMiller]

I would probably move on. Taking care of your family while admirable, does not mean you are financially responsible. One of the most financially irresponsible people I know pays all her mother's bills. Her mother was supposed to get a job, but hasn't all these years despite being youngish and healthy -- my friend even bought her mom a condo with the understanding that mom would work --- she lasted 1 day in a grocery job and then got too "tired" to work.

I'm wondering why they don't cut down the expenses, sell the family home. I don't know maybe the mother's expenses are minimal and he's just trying to do the right thing, but it sounds like its the equivalent of marrying someone with children. And if he's paying the mortgage/house bills and the house is in his mother's name he isn't building a future for himself. If mom gets sick and needs the money, he could lose it all --- I know someone that happened too.

I really think helping your family is important, its just that I have personally seen many people support a family member who lived an excessive lifestyle and didn't contribute at all. Honestly my grandmother came from a foreign country to the US and ended up having babysitting jobs because she was so independant that even though family was supporting her she would never have not contributed or made her own money. She learned some English and even made extra money selling plants and sewing.

Then again OP you have more information so you can decide where you think this is going.

[nataliam1976]

[Vegas Long Legs]

Does the OP think his mother, a fairly young widow I'm guessing, would be happy being a financial burden to her son the rest of her life? OP called him a mommy's boy. Was this out of anger cause he stepped up to help his mom out?

My dad helped financially support both his mom & MIL when they were widowed. Other siblings did too. Of course this was the 60's when families mattered more than having stuff. Its just what people did. No one would of called him a mommy's or MIL's boy.

Everyone is assuming this will be for the rest of her life. Maybe its just to get her back on her feet.

Would the situation be different if it was her mother rather than his?

[Kansashalo]

Originally Posted by juneping

i don't understand why it's such a deal breaker to live with the mother?? it would be bad not doable if the mother hates the OP... i grew up with my grandma and b/c of language barrier, mom and grandma never had any issues. from my experience, the son/husband is the key person of the dynamic of the r/s between the two women. my dad did tell my grandma don't stir things up...and he always showed his appreciation towards my mom...my mom did put up with my grandma on some issues but my dad took care of them. all i am saying it's feasible. living with MIL sometimes is feasible...i don't understand why ppl treat their spouses' mom/father like plague to avoid. the mother hasn't worked for a long time....ppl get used to their old way. the father died...it's very unfortunate. may be it is some way to ask the mom to work but it's just very delicate to ask. i don't know if i have the heart to ask my mom to work bc my bf had a problem with me taking care of my mom.

I agree. Depending upon the situation, its not that 'weird' to have an in-law live in the same house.

Now granted, me personally - I would not do it for a boyfriend but that's because in my mind there are things I will do for a husband but not for a bf.

[lolitakali]

Tough one.

Point one, a good guy like him IS very hard to find.
You know in your gut that he would never leave you stranded for anything should you devote your life to him as he is taking care of him woman in his family (his mom for now, but you wish he could devote himself to you especially if you are the "only one", hence you are contemplating marriage; yes, he is that great...).

That 60K in debt is that a debt that he incurred when his dad is still living and was able to provide for?? Maybe his dad sacrificed his savings so that his son could go to the best schools hence the lack of savings??? Did his dad pass a sudden death, something he did not foresee???

I do not think an outsider should be that quick to judge into someone's financial health unless we know what is a fact.

From my own stand point of view, I know even if my DH is 60K in debt... the way his family is and the way he is... I will still stand proudly by his side.

Sure enough financial issues is one major key for a divorce/breakup, but is will never be one for me as my DH is more important to me than a financial blip in our life, he is my most important person in my life... now if my husband is less than that, maybe I should not have married him at all and be looking for someone else who is.

[plain jane doe]

Not sure why everyone assumes he is such a great guy for paying mom's bills. They are in a tough situation and still in grief, but at the same time, OP says the father passed away last year, so at least 11 months ago at this point. If mom and son both feel that this situation is appropriate and have made no effort or plans to transition, then I think it is fair to assume that for the long term both mother and son will be happy to put the mother first.

I understand wanting to make a parent's life easy, but this is extreme. The son does not have endless means, so he is sacrificing his life and independence, and mom thinks it's fine? Also, as good as it sounds to say your parent will never have to work again! particularly for an older person who has lost a partner, not working is NOT the best choice. To me the situation sounds emotionally more than financially bad.

[starfused]

i think you should firstly decide with what you want in your life. if you are ready to get married, ask him if he is. if it is just financial problems, then solve it out between you guys. but if he is just using financial as an excuse to delay settling down, then definitely move on with your life.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

Not sure why everyone assumes he is such a great guy for paying mom's bills.

well, the alternative will be someone who does not cares and will spend all the money on himself... no $ for his wife, none for his kids nor his children... if not for his own ma & pa why should he to anyone else??? Who would care less about sharing... not his money, not his life...

That will not be a kind of guy I would get involved with... be too into himself for one to be sharing his life with someone else.

[plain jane doe]

Originally Posted by lolitakali

well, the alternative will be someone who does not cares and will spend all the money on himself... no $ for his wife, none for his kids nor his children... if not for his own ma & pa why should he to anyone else??? Who would care less about sharing... not his money, not his life... That will not be a kind of guy I would get involved with... be too into himself for one to be sharing his life with someone else.

There are MANY alternatives, including someone who budgets money for his own future with his SO while helping his mother transition to standing on her own two feet. If he's not willing to support his mother for the next 20 years that means he is incapable of caring about another human being and would make a deadbeat husband and father?? That's a leap.

[LeeMiller]

I just think we don't know the situation. Like I said I have a friend and its admirable that she pays all her mother's bills, I'm not suggesting the guy leave his mother on the street. But if I was OP I'd want to see some possiblity of a future with that guy, and that might be making adjustments for how much he was supporting his mother. People can usually downsize. I'm not sure why there is an expectation here that he should keep his mom in the lifestyle she was accustomed too, when his father couldn't really even afford that. Isn't this really dooming him to doing the same to his own children if he goes on in his life like this?

[Squeaky00]

Sorry I haven't been back on this thread to answer questions and confusion. But I would love to thank each one of you for your op and help. Lets see where to start hopefully I can answer some questions and confusions. My bf is 29 years old and he has several brothers and sisters who are older. Who doesn't help him or his mom. They say that they can't afford it and have their own family to take care of. Which in my op that is wrong and selffish. My boyfriend has try to sit down and talk with his other siblings but they just refuse to help. Which is so sad. My boyfriend was born I would say as a mistake. His mother is 68 years old and his father died in his 70s. His mother started working a few years ago when his father start getting sick. But now since she is getting older and has alot of health issues and can barely be on her feet long. She is unable to work. Since she didn't really work for that long she doesn't really get that much from Social security. His father left nothing. Which is so sad. But it makes me and my bf realize what effects that has on life.

As far as the relationship with me and his mom. I love his mother and we have a wonderful relationship. His mother has told him in the past to go on with his life and she will try to figure it out. But a good man that my bf is he knows his mother can not make it out on her own and he will never just let his mother fall on her face with nothing. I really do understand because I would not leave my mother either if the tables were turn. But unfortunately I can live my life and take care of my mother if I was in that situation. That is the difference. My boyfriend is very responsible with his money.

As far as the ring. I really don't care about him not able to get me the ring of my dreams. We have actually looked at rings together. He wants to be able to get me the ring of my dreams and nothing less. He is just so traditional and wants to be able to put his half in, because he knows in his heart that is the right thing to do. I just want to live with my boyfriend and enjoy life together. I am tired of this high school relationship(that is just how I feel) We live 30 mins from each other. I hate when he has to go home and he does too. We are always together other than being at work or sleeping at our parents house. But my boyfriend tells me all the time that he wish the situation was different and he always says he would of married me long time ago. We are both ready to settle down and buy a house. We both are always on zillow and actually last vacation in atlanta we went to open houses which were so much fun. I am ready financially but unfortunate he is not. I guess the whole thing just makes me fustrated and upset. I am in love with my boyfriend but ready to take the next step in my life. It is to the point where I hate staying at my parents house and want to venture out on my own and have those resposibilities.

[Kansashalo]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

Sorry I haven't been back on this thread to answer questions and confusion. But I would love to thank each one of you for your op and help. Lets see where to start hopefully I can answer some questions and confusions. My bf is 29 years old and he has several brothers and sisters who are older. Who doesn't help him or his mom. They say that they can't afford it and have their own family to take care of. Which in my op that is wrong and selffish. .

Oh man, do I know how your BF feels regarding this situation. I am there as well with my older siblings so sadly this isn't unique. Somehow, if you don't have kids/aren't married, siblings think that you have tons of money and time to do everything that needs to be done in the family while all they do is offer their opinion.

Oh yep, I've been there.

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

. I am in love with my boyfriend but ready to take the next step in my life. It is to the point where I hate staying at my parents house and want to venture out on my own and have those resposibilities.

Why can't you venture out on your own? Nothing is stopping you from getting your own apartment and living your life. In fact, I don't recommend for a woman to go from their parent's house immediately to someone else's house without living on their own at some point in between those two events. You seem like a smart girl that can take care of herself. There is nothing wrong with moving out on your own away from the parents for a year or two - or at least until your bf can get his affairs in order which looks like will take some time.

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by plain jane doe

There are MANY alternatives, including someone who budgets money for his own future with his SO while helping his mother transition to standing on her own two feet. If he's not willing to support his mother for the next 20 years that means he is incapable of caring about another human being and would make a deadbeat husband and father?? That's a leap.

As you mentioned many alternatives... and also depends on the situations!

For some might not be lucky enough to have the mom even live long enough to be back on her two own feet... many a couples I know will "pass" shortly after their love partner left the world.

For some, maybe the boyfriend do not make enough (especially in this economy; even with an Ivy league degree and/or with a PHD) to support his mom, himself, the mortgage, his tuition loan, hospital bills for his dad, car insurances, car payments, credit cards. utilities, food.... etc etc..

I've seen that happen to even a doctor I know who makes $200,000 plus (yes, he is more than dead broke and eyeballs deep in debt)...
let alone a recent college grad (or maybe no grad), lone supporter for his family (him & mom; per the gist of the OP from earlier post, now that he is not... it speaks even more volume what kinda man that BF is, he is even a greater man than all his other blood siblings as there is comparisons now)...

And if one is incapable of supporting a mom/parent (especially in most Asian culture) yes, probably will not make that good of a family person. Why? If one cannot show support to someone who gave life to you and fed & house plus educate you when you aren't capable of clothing/housing& feeding yourself... there IS something wrong or off that they cannot do that (maybe from an unhealthy childhood who knows).

Because CHARITY starts at home... if you cannot show charity at home, the rest of the charity is just for show to an outside world only; as good as saying I am good to other people, just not my blood family who in the first place have given me the means to start out so today I can give to these others... only to have forgotten who have given you that support in the past.

Of course the people without a healthy family as background are the exceptions.. e.g. like people who never knew their parents, from an orphanage, without the normal family care etc..

[lolitakali]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

Sorry I haven't been back on this thread to answer questions and confusion. But I would love to thank each one of you for your op and help. Lets see where to start hopefully I can answer some questions and confusions. My bf is 29 years old and he has several brothers and sisters who are older. Who doesn't help him or his mom. They say that they can't afford it and have their own family to take care of. Which in my op that is wrong and selffish. My boyfriend has try to sit down and talk with his other siblings but they just refuse to help. Which is so sad. My boyfriend was born I would say as a mistake. His mother is 68 years old and his father died in his 70s. His mother started working a few years ago when his father start getting sick. But now since she is getting older and has alot of health issues and can barely be on her feet long. She is unable to work. Since she didn't really work for that long she doesn't really get that much from Social security. His father left nothing. Which is so sad. But it makes me and my bf realize what effects that has on life. As far as the relationship with me and his mom. I love his mother and we have a wonderful relationship. His mother has told him in the past to go on with his life and she will try to figure it out. But a good man that my bf is he knows his mother can not make it out on her own and he will never just let his mother fall on her face with nothing. I really do understand because I would not leave my mother either if the tables were turn. But unfortunately I can live my life and take care of my mother if I was in that situation. That is the difference. My boyfriend is very responsible with his money. As far as the ring. I really don't care about him not able to get me the ring of my dreams. We have actually looked at rings together. He wants to be able to get me the ring of my dreams and nothing less. He is just so traditional and wants to be able to put his half in, because he knows in his heart that is the right thing to do. I just want to live with my boyfriend and enjoy life together. I am tired of this high school relationship(that is just how I feel) We live 30 mins from each other. I hate when he has to go home and he does too. We are always together other than being at work or sleeping at our parents house. But my boyfriend tells me all the time that he wish the situation was different and he always says he would of married me long time ago. We are both ready to settle down and buy a house. We both are always on zillow and actually last vacation in atlanta we went to open houses which were so much fun. I am ready financially but unfortunate he is not. I guess the whole thing just makes me fustrated and upset. I am in love with my boyfriend but ready to take the next step in my life. It is to the point where I hate staying at my parents house and want to venture out on my own and have those resposibilities.

Thanks for the update!

He IS a good man... and good men today are very hard to find (tell me if that line is BS!) My own DH is a very wonderful good and kind man that I will count my blessings each and everyday to have met him... and also pat my own back to have a good taste in man that I chose him as my mate! He truly loves his family (and came from a very family oriented background) which is so important for me as well.

It does not hurt to believe in the goodness of mankind as it also reflects what is in one's soul = sometimes only when you are good, then can you see and appreciate what good is (mirror, mirror on the wall u know)!