Should I stay with him or go on with my life

[Vegas Long Legs]

Think the poor guy never expected his father to drop dead & that he would have to support his mom? Going to guess his father was between 50 & 65. 60K isn't that bad for student loans. Sometimes life throws you a curve ball & you can't plan for things. The OP is 27 & I would guess he isn't that much older. Its not like this poor guy is 47 & is stuck where he is now.

Alot of us got minimal guidance on money. My father gave me some, he would of never dreamed I'd be where I am today financially. He wouldn't of had the skills to pass to me cause he wasn't in the same situation financially. We are self taught & doing fine on our own.

Your 20's are for enjoying life & making mistakes. Don't get old before your time. It'll put you in an early grave.

[gina2328]

I am also having financial difficulties in my marriage which is putting a huge strain on our marriage. I posted about it previously, and someone suggested going to the Dave Ramsey website to locate a financial counselor in my area. I think that is one way for your BF to learn how to pay down his debt. I don't see how your situation is going to work unless your BF gets his financial situation in order.

For that to happen, you might have to wait a couple of years. He might have to find a better paying job. He really needs to learn to set up a budget and cut out all expenses, and get serious if he wants to have a future with you.

[Kansashalo]

Originally Posted by olialm1

He hasn't done anything wrong in my eyes. He is an interesting place in life right now and it seems like he is trying his hardest to keep things moving. What if you were in the same situation with your family and he wanted to get married? Would you kick your mom to the curb and leave her without any support? I think you should stop being so selfish and put aside the idea of getting married right now and BE there for him.

I agree. OP, I know this may not be how you envisioned things, but you and your BF can still marry and have a life that includes his mom all under the same roof. My sister married a man like your BF and his mom came to live with them. He was his parents only child so when his dad passed away, he took care of his mom (and later they both did until she passed away). Marriage is the meshing of two families and sometimes, that means literally under the same roof.

Like someone said earlier, life will throw you a curve ball so sometimes you have to adjust.

I definitely agree that you and your BF need to sit down, be honest and talk things out.

[Vegas Long Legs]

HOw old is mom? Maybe she will go to work when the shock wears off. Even if its a low paying job, it'd be good for her to get out & function in society. Does she collect SS or did he have a pension?

Too much emphasis on money (he's young!) & not enough on what a quality guy this is. Gotta say - not surprised.

[juneping]

think about it another way....if you two get married with the mom living with you...you'll have someone take care of the kid/s. and you don't have to worry some stranger could turn out to be a physco with your kid....
the living situation can work out....did u watch "king of queens"??

[gina2328]

I cannot imagine living with my Mother, unless someday she were old and incapacitated, unable to take care of herself. I could never imagine living with my MIL. A lot of women don't get along with their IL's and to actually live with them puts things on a whole other level. At any rate, the OP never mentioned the Mother living with them, I think she only mentioned her DB supporting Mother so I think its a moot point.

There really isn't enough information to give good advice from the original post. On one hand OP states her BF is wonderful, then later on she states he is a Mommy's boy. A Mommy's boy is not wonderful because he will always put his Mother first and make her a priority over his girlfriend and his future wife. We don't have other information such as how does the Mother treat the OP, in a kind manner or standoffish? Its difficult to say how big the financial problems are and how long it will take to resolve them, especially since he is supporting the Mother. Possibly making house payments, two sets of car payments, paying all her bills, his bills. If it were me I would need to know exactly how much credit card debt there is, if the Mother is opening up credit in the boyfriends name, joint credit on cars etc. If so, he is legally responsible for all her debt. Then, once you are married, OP is responsible for this debt also. I would be very careful and find out as much as possible before getting into this type of situation.

[Rockysmom]

the ring would be the least of my concerns. the fact that mother is living with her son and doesn't appear to have any income is alarming. do you really want to get into a stressful situation like that? i think you all need to sit down and discuss.

[ami kio]

Originally Posted by Squeaky00

I am 27 years old and I dated a guy for 5 years on and off when I came to relization that he was immature and that he could never be faithful. Now I have meet a wonderful guy who I have been dating for 2 years and 4 months. Me and my boyfriend meet at work. Me and my boyfriend wants to get married but he can't afford a ring for me. My bf went to a out of state private college and now he is in 60k debt. So he has alot of bills. His dad passed away last year and he was the sole provider in their house. Which means his mom never worked and his dad never put away necessary money. Which now means my bf lives with his mom. He pays his bills and hers because he is a mommys boy and he wouldn't leave his mom stranded (which I don't blame him) As I said before I am 27 years old and I am ready to get married and settle down and have a familly of my own. I live with my mom but I am ready to buy a house. My bf wants to live with me but he can't afford to live his life and still take care of his mom. So which means we are never going to take the next step unless he wins the lottery or his mom dies(which i am not wishing death on her). I am in a point in my life where I can take care of both of us. But his pride is to high and he doesn't want me to pay for everything. He wants to do his part and be able to put his half in. Don't get me wrong but I am so inlove with my bf but I feel like I am putting my life on hold and I don't know what to do.

There's a lot of details that we don't know that would affect our responses:

• Is the mom jealous of you? This would give us an idea of how much of a "momma's boy" your SO is. Just b/c he feels responsible for caring for his mom doesn't mean that he's whipped. IMO, there's a difference between filial piety and being a "momma's boy".
• Does the mom have any mental/physical health conditions that requires someone to live with her? This obviously would impact any potential marriage. Marrying someone generally means that you have to deal with their family too. This is definitely something that should be discussed beforehand. For example, DH knows and accepts that I feel the need to care for my parents, and I fully accept that his mother may move in with us if/when his father dies first.
• Will the mother at any point be a bit financially independent, or does she depend on your SO for everything? It may be that she was the type who never worked and never even thought about not being cared for. This is common in some cultures, and it needs to be accounted for.
• Is the SO responsible with his money? Just b/c he has 60k in debt doesn't mean that he's irresponsible. Large school debt isn't uncommon nowadays, especially if he put himself through adavanced/multiple degree(s).
• Is your SO somewhat traditional? His not wanting to be supported and wanting to be the one to buy a ring indicates that he may be. Not a bad thing, IMO, but it has to be something that you want/are comfortable with.

[lorihmatthews]

I really don't see how the OP's readiness to move to the next stage in her life and her BF necessarily have to intersect.

This is 2009, not 1952. If the OP is ready to be independent, she should move out of her mom's house, buy herself a starter home or condo, and support herself. IMO there seems to be too much that is tentatively relying on the BF supporting her at this stage in the game.

[juneping]

another thing about men that i've learned recently...they will be ready when they are ready...sometimes they are just "slow"...ugh...

[mirdc]

well I am going to go against the grain here and post an opposite opinion.

I think you should move on.

60K in student debt is not insurmountable. If he's a mgr at your company - how much do your figure he earns?
Mommy is a huge obstacle. He is her golden son and the only thing she has left. Mommy is ALWAYS going to come first in your relationship. Do you really want his mother to take precedence over YOUR needs and the needs of any children you may have? Why can't mommy go and get a job? Even if she's been a stay at home mother for all of her life, she could still get a job at a place like Walmart. She could easily be working part time to help support herself.

Your BF is going to feel guilt about anything he does. Even if you bought your own ring and you bought your house, it would creat an imbalance in your relationship. For how many years would he have to put all of his money into family coffers? I'd bet that even if you two were married and living in a house you bought, then he's feel guilty that his mother was alone and would want to spend a lot of time at her place. Heaven forbid, you buy a really nice house -- is he going to feel guilty that your house is so much nicer than his mothers? What happens if his mother has health issues - are you willing to spend 20 or 30 yrs living with her?

Based on what you wrote, I think your BF is using all of these things as a crutch. It is easier to blame his lack of commitment on his mother and on $ than on himself.

Set a new standard for what you are willing to accept and find yourself a man who will treasure you.

[HandbagLuvr]

Do you get along well with his mother to the point you would be willing to live very close to her? If so perhaps you could try to get a house together that has an inlaw apartment attached to it (or nice apartment above the garage situation). That way you could keep expenses down and have some privacy as she would have her own entrance, kitchen, etc. You would have to make sure that she respects your boundaries though.

[SPOILEDkiwi]

I think some of the other posters are being a little harsh. I think it would be highly unfair for you to get married, have your MIL live with you, pay the mortgage and all of the bills, and have your SO's paycheck go towards his bills and his mother's bills. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I wouldn't be able to handle it. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with your SO. You need to find out what his mother's plans are for the long term. Does she plan on getting a job, or does she plan on living off of your SO for the rest of her life? If she does plan on finding a way to support herself, then give him some more time to help her get back on her two feet. If she doesn't plan on ever finding a job, or if your SO refuses to marry you until he has enough money to support all three of you, then perhaps you should reconsider this relationship. You should also think about what will happen if you decide to have children. Money is a huge cause of arguments in a relationship, and if you feel like you are putting your life on hold for your boyfriend and his mother, it may lead to a lot of resentment later on.

[juneping]

i don't understand why it's such a deal breaker to live with the mother?? it would be bad not doable if the mother hates the OP...
i grew up with my grandma and b/c of language barrier, mom and grandma never had any issues. from my experience, the son/husband is the key person of the dynamic of the r/s between the two women. my dad did tell my grandma don't stir things up...and he always showed his appreciation towards my mom...my mom did put up with my grandma on some issues but my dad took care of them. all i am saying it's feasible. living with MIL sometimes is feasible...i don't understand why ppl treat their spouses' mom/father like plague to avoid.
the mother hasn't worked for a long time....ppl get used to their old way. the father died...it's very unfortunate. may be it is some way to ask the mom to work but it's just very delicate to ask. i don't know if i have the heart to ask my mom to work bc my bf had a problem with me taking care of my mom.

[SPOILEDkiwi]

^^ Well, the OP never mentioned what kind of relationship she has with her MIL. Tons of women don't get along with their MIL's at all and we can't just assume that the OP will be able to easily live with hers. Also, from the OP's post it sounds like if they got married, her boyfriends paycheck would go entirely towards his debt, his bills, and his mother's living expenses, while she would be entirely responsible for paying for the mortgage and household expenses. I don't see how that's fair for the OP. And what happens if they decide to have children? Is the OP then going to pay all of her children's expenses herself while her husband continues to fully support his mother who is capable of working?