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Charles · Sep 21st, 2009, 09:52 AM

Why do you keep asking us how you should feel?

Just ask yourself this: "Am I happy with my relationship"

What's your answer?

mrsklem14 · Sep 21st, 2009, 11:04 AM

What's it matter what other people have? You should focus on what YOU have instead of envying others. You seriously get no where by doing that, and I'm sure you realize that. If you get engaged who cares if it's not a huge gigantic sparkly ring that everyone can be jaw dropping to. It's the love that matters in the relationship not the material aspects of it. You're boyfriend sounds like an awesome person! Be happyyyyy

karmenzsofia · Sep 21st, 2009, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by lightdays

Thanks for the replies. I feel a bit dumb and embarrassed that I made that post. I am lucky in some ways and there are others who are 'unlucky' and 'lucky' than me. I have a problem of asking my boyfriend for reassurance almost all the time that he finally broke this down into pieces. He said he doesn't know yet if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Right now he wants to be with me, but he wants to wait for engagement until I get a job and move in with him. He said after he'll propose to me which is hopefully next year after all this. He's willing to wait patiently with me and of course be with me until I can do more 'adult' things in my life. He said he wants to reach to marriage with me in the future. I hope this still shows that he loves me and wants to be with me, right? If he didn't care about me or care to wait, he would've ended the relationships already? And also why am I still upset? It's because I have that doubt that the good stuff never happens to me. I have very low self-esteem after failed attempts in transferring or moving out. All of which never took place in the end. I have problems committing myself to big goals and plans and I want to fix that, but I find it very difficult to. I don't know how to have confidence that it'll work. I want to, but it's extremely difficult for me. He tells me every single day that he loves me more than 3 times and that he wants to go and try to reach it to marriage with me in the future. How do I commit myself in achieving my goals and improving myself while having confidence that it'll work out?

To answer your question, I think it would be a good idea for you to seek professional help/counseling to improve yourself before you destroy this relationship with a man you say loves you so much. These are the kind of thought patterns and emotional issues that will get in the way of any relationship you have, now and in the future.

Immi · Sep 21st, 2009, 01:02 PM

You have to really want to change the way you think, or this needing reassurance is going to go on forever. It's ok to ask for help or reassurance from the ones we love sometimes but do you really want so many of your interactions with them to be like that? Next time you feel the need for reassurance about whether your boyfriend loves you/wants to be with you, remember the last time he said it, and call that your reassurance. Because asking him if he's sure he loves you and wants to be with you, all the time, even though he tells you so 3 times a day, is going to get difficult for him.

As for goals and plans. Life is unpredictable for every single one of us. Everyone makes plans that don't work out sometimes, not just you. Make your goal, work towards it, and if/when you hit a setback you see it as an opportunity to become a stronger person and STICK to your goals despite the change in circumstances. Just because things tend to go a bit wonky sometimes does not mean it's not worth making plans and goals.

I agree with karmenzsofia on this... I think a therapist you could talk to IRL would be able to really help you too. I know we want to help you here but it's a bit difficult to do that over the net.

littlerock · Sep 21st, 2009, 01:26 PM

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? How long have you and your BF been together?
Also, you mentioned getting "SSI" to use for rent. The only person I know who gets SSI checks gets them because of a disabilty. Do you have a disabilty?

I am only asking because it could explain a lot of things. Please don't feel pressured to answer anything you don't want to.

(when I say disabilty, I don't necessarily mean Physical.. there are different types of disabilities)

Angelfangs · Sep 21st, 2009, 02:27 PM

Am I the only one who's lost here?

FashionParadise · Sep 21st, 2009, 07:39 PM

You're asking the wrong questions. Shouldn't be if you are lucky or not or if you should be jealous or not. It should be are you happy and at peace with your decisions at the end of the day. If not, what are the obstacles and how are you going to work with them to achieve the desired outcomes?

rainrowan · Sep 21st, 2009, 07:59 PM

It makes me think of the joke and my dh share with each other:

woman: (calls SO on phone)
man: hello
woman: I love you.
man: same here.
woman: tell me you love me.
man: I do.
woman: Do you love me. Tell me you love me! Tell. Me. Tell me you LOVE ME, damnit!!!

It's best not to second guess or out-guess what you should "be"... if you're happy and your boyfriend makes you happy, than you're already where you want to be. It's not a matter of you versus others... it's about what the two of you are sharing.

dallas · Sep 21st, 2009, 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by lightdays

Thanks for the replies. I feel a bit dumb and embarrassed that I made that post. I am lucky in some ways and there are others who are 'unlucky' and 'lucky' than me. I have a problem of asking my boyfriend for reassurance almost all the time that he finally broke this down into pieces. He said he doesn't know yet if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Right now he wants to be with me, but he wants to wait for engagement until I get a job and move in with him. He said after he'll propose to me which is hopefully next year after all this. He's willing to wait patiently with me and of course be with me until I can do more 'adult' things in my life. He said he wants to reach to marriage with me in the future. I hope this still shows that he loves me and wants to be with me, right? If he didn't care about me or care to wait, he would've ended the relationships already? And also why am I still upset? It's because I have that doubt that the good stuff never happens to me. I have very low self-esteem after failed attempts in transferring or moving out. All of which never took place in the end. I have problems committing myself to big goals and plans and I want to fix that, but I find it very difficult to. I don't know how to have confidence that it'll work. I want to, but it's extremely difficult for me. He tells me every single day that he loves me more than 3 times and that he wants to go and try to reach it to marriage with me in the future. How do I commit myself in achieving my goals and improving myself while having confidence that it'll work out?

I'm going to sound mean and bossy, I know I am, but I have to say it.

Darling, you need to practice giving and you need to practice gratitude. You are sabotaging your own happiness by focusing on what you do not have and you are sucking your BF dry emotionally by the constant need for reassurance. If you turn your attention to what you can give, you open a conduit for the kind of happiness that no one can ever steal from you and with that comes the wonderful feeling of gratitude ... for everything in your life.

lightdays · Sep 21st, 2009, 10:29 PM

Originally Posted by littlerock

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? How long have you and your BF been together?
Also, you mentioned getting "SSI" to use for rent. The only person I know who gets SSI checks gets them because of a disabilty. Do you have a disabilty?

I am only asking because it could explain a lot of things. Please don't feel pressured to answer anything you don't want to.

(when I say disabilty, I don't necessarily mean Physical.. there are different types of disabilities)

Sure. I'm 21. We've been together for 5 months now. I'm on SSI due to mental health problems that are bipolar, depression, and anxiety which I take medicine for. Which kind of explains the way I posted my original post. I was feeling really down and having a mood swing about it. I can get extreme anxiety issues when I'm out in public especially at school. I am in school right now and I manage to go to my classes and study there fine, but it's difficult for me than most people. My moods tend to shift often and I cry easily over it. After crying it out I feel better and not long after I am happy again and then a bit later I'd be sad again. I'm going to start looking for a job again soon even though my anxiety is still there, but I'm overcoming it. It's just a bit tough for me to cope with these problems and emotions.

I have seen several therapists and my old one helped a lot, but she's on maternity leave and not sure when she's coming back. I saw a new one, but I don't feel comfortable to tell her all my problems. Currently, I'm not seeing one.

lightdays · Sep 21st, 2009, 10:31 PM

Originally Posted by dallas

I'm going to sound mean and bossy, I know I am, but I have to say it.

Darling, you need to practice giving and you need to practice gratitude. You are sabotaging your own happiness by focusing on what you do not have and you are sucking your BF dry emotionally by the constant need for reassurance. If you turn your attention to what you can give, you open a conduit for the kind of happiness that no one can ever steal from you and with that comes the wonderful feeling of gratitude ... for everything in your life.

Thanks for the advice and you're right. I don't think you were mean about it.

littlerock · Sep 21st, 2009, 10:40 PM

^

Seems like you have a lot to work out. It also seems like you already know what's going on inside of your head and why your feel and think the way you do. What Dallas said is so very true although with the underlying mental issues going on it may be easier said than done.

I think the first thing you need to do is stop focusing so much attention on your relationship and start focusing on yourself. You need to make yourself whole again and your BF should understand this. You really should look into seeing someone new, don't stop just because you didn't like the last one. It sounds like you really need to be talking to someone regularly, we all do some times.

When you post it's almost as if we can hear the exact thought process in your head. By the time you've finished your post you've already worked the whole thing out so it's not like you don't know what needs to be done. You need to work on you! Talk to someone. Do things that make you feel good about YOU, then you will naturally start feeling better about yourself (just as Dallas said above.. it's so true!), then and only then will you truly be happy in a relationship.

As much as you may not want to hear or believe this it's true, You will never be in a "perfect" and "strong" relationship if you are not comfortable in your own skin, it just wont happen.

I wish you the best of luck.

lightdays · Sep 25th, 2009, 03:49 AM

Originally Posted by littlerock

^

Seems like you have a lot to work out. It also seems like you already know what's going on inside of your head and why your feel and think the way you do. What Dallas said is so very true although with the underlying mental issues going on it may be easier said than done.

I think the first thing you need to do is stop focusing so much attention on your relationship and start focusing on yourself. You need to make yourself whole again and your BF should understand this. You really should look into seeing someone new, don't stop just because you didn't like the last one. It sounds like you really need to be talking to someone regularly, we all do some times.

When you post it's almost as if we can hear the exact thought process in your head. By the time you've finished your post you've already worked the whole thing out so it's not like you don't know what needs to be done. You need to work on you! Talk to someone. Do things that make you feel good about YOU, then you will naturally start feeling better about yourself (just as Dallas said above.. it's so true!), then and only then will you truly be happy in a relationship.

As much as you may not want to hear or believe this it's true, You will never be in a "perfect" and "strong" relationship if you are not comfortable in your own skin, it just wont happen.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks. Reading your guys' replies really help me stop thinking negatively a bit. I am thinking of ringing up the last therapist I'm seeing again. I don't feel comfortable with in person sessions because I'm not very open to her in person. I'm way more open over the phone with my problems though and she does do phone therapy, but it is the same charge as the in person so I'm not sure if it's worth it. Let's just say you can get me more out through the telephone.

My problem is that I tend to over think and I get triggered easily. I'm extremely sensitive and whenever my boyfriend says or does something stupid, I feel like he doesn't love me or he wants to dump me. I really want to stop thinking like this.

I agree with your last statement. It is very, very true. Thank you for telling me that.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Sep 21st, 2009, 09:52 AM	#16
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,191	Why do you keep asking us how you should feel? Just ask yourself this: "Am I happy with my relationship" What's your answer?
	__________________

Sep 21st, 2009, 11:04 AM	#17
mrsklem14 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,252	What's it matter what other people have? You should focus on what YOU have instead of envying others. You seriously get no where by doing that, and I'm sure you realize that. If you get engaged who cares if it's not a huge gigantic sparkly ring that everyone can be jaw dropping to. It's the love that matters in the relationship not the material aspects of it. You're boyfriend sounds like an awesome person! Be happyyyyy
mrsklem14 Member Joined: Oct 2008 Posts: 1,252	__________________ I will never forget you. Ever. Scruffina Rose<3 Let God's promises shine on your problems.

Sep 21st, 2009, 01:02 PM	#19
Immi <3s life Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 271	You have to really want to change the way you think, or this needing reassurance is going to go on forever. It's ok to ask for help or reassurance from the ones we love sometimes but do you really want so many of your interactions with them to be like that? Next time you feel the need for reassurance about whether your boyfriend loves you/wants to be with you, remember the last time he said it, and call that your reassurance. Because asking him if he's sure he loves you and wants to be with you, all the time, even though he tells you so 3 times a day, is going to get difficult for him. As for goals and plans. Life is unpredictable for every single one of us. Everyone makes plans that don't work out sometimes, not just you. Make your goal, work towards it, and if/when you hit a setback you see it as an opportunity to become a stronger person and STICK to your goals despite the change in circumstances. Just because things tend to go a bit wonky sometimes does not mean it's not worth making plans and goals. I agree with karmenzsofia on this... I think a therapist you could talk to IRL would be able to really help you too. I know we want to help you here but it's a bit difficult to do that over the net.
Immi <3s life Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 271	__________________ The best things in life are free. Apart from OPI, cars, and chocolate brazil nuts...

Sep 21st, 2009, 01:26 PM	#20
littlerock RM & Treesje Mod Joined: Apr 2007 Location: East Coast Posts: 7,938	If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? How long have you and your BF been together? Also, you mentioned getting "SSI" to use for rent. The only person I know who gets SSI checks gets them because of a disabilty. Do you have a disabilty? I am only asking because it could explain a lot of things. Please don't feel pressured to answer anything you don't want to. (when I say disabilty, I don't necessarily mean Physical.. there are different types of disabilities)
	__________________ Last edited by littlerock; Sep 21st, 2009 at 01:35 PM.

Sep 21st, 2009, 02:27 PM	#21
Angelfangs Member Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 65	Am I the only one who's lost here?
Angelfangs Member Joined: Jan 2009 Posts: 65

Sep 21st, 2009, 07:39 PM	#22
FashionParadise Life is So Sweet Joined: Aug 2008 Location: Amongst the stars Posts: 778	You're asking the wrong questions. Shouldn't be if you are lucky or not or if you should be jealous or not. It should be are you happy and at peace with your decisions at the end of the day. If not, what are the obstacles and how are you going to work with them to achieve the desired outcomes?
	__________________ "At one time, most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I've grown old, the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe." -From The Polar Express

Sep 21st, 2009, 07:59 PM	#23
rainrowan INFJ Joined: Apr 2006 Posts: 3,934	It makes me think of the joke and my dh share with each other: woman: (calls SO on phone) man: hello woman: I love you. man: same here. woman: tell me you love me. man: I do. woman: Do you love me. Tell me you love me! Tell. Me. Tell me you LOVE ME, damnit!!! It's best not to second guess or out-guess what you should "be"... if you're happy and your boyfriend makes you happy, than you're already where you want to be. It's not a matter of you versus others... it's about what the two of you are sharing.
rainrowan INFJ Joined: Apr 2006 Posts: 3,934

Sep 21st, 2009, 10:40 PM	#27
littlerock RM & Treesje Mod Joined: Apr 2007 Location: East Coast Posts: 7,938	^ Seems like you have a lot to work out. It also seems like you already know what's going on inside of your head and why your feel and think the way you do. What Dallas said is so very true although with the underlying mental issues going on it may be easier said than done. I think the first thing you need to do is stop focusing so much attention on your relationship and start focusing on yourself. You need to make yourself whole again and your BF should understand this. You really should look into seeing someone new, don't stop just because you didn't like the last one. It sounds like you really need to be talking to someone regularly, we all do some times. When you post it's almost as if we can hear the exact thought process in your head. By the time you've finished your post you've already worked the whole thing out so it's not like you don't know what needs to be done. You need to work on you! Talk to someone. Do things that make you feel good about YOU, then you will naturally start feeling better about yourself (just as Dallas said above.. it's so true!), then and only then will you truly be happy in a relationship. As much as you may not want to hear or believe this it's true, You will never be in a "perfect" and "strong" relationship if you are not comfortable in your own skin, it just wont happen. I wish you the best of luck.
	__________________

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